IN LAWS moving nearby... need some ground rules

[catinhell]

My inlaws are soon moving house and will be living very close to us. they are retired and seem to want to be very involved with us and the dc. sometimes their level of involvement can be a bit intrusive- although i know that their intentions are good.

DH and I had a massive row this weekend as his inlaws invited themselves round on sunday afternoon, thereby sabotaging any chance of us having a family outing before dh and i go went back to work.

now, theyve been round at our house loads lately and i just snapped. suddenly couldnt handle them being here yet again. the thing is dh, didnt wnat them to come any more than i did, but just can never say no to his mother.

i ended up storming out before they arrived and left him and the ds's to contend with the inlaws on their own.

i'm so worried about them 'popping round' all the time when they move here (3 hours on a sunday afternoon is not 'popping' in my book!)

i just couldnt bare them ever turning up unannounced either.

dh's mum is very sensitive and we've had 2 bust ups in the past where she has gone ballistic about things that we have done to 'upset' her.

so... with this history of over sensitivity, and a dh with no balls, how do i set some ground rules???

advice please!

Well my MIL was well meaning and a kind woman, but she did become very overbearing when I was a young mum with my first baby. She was forever telling me how she did things etc. and what I should be doing. I didn't need her advice cus I had my own mum and 3 older sisters, all of whom had children. But I just let it ride over me cus I thought she might have felt a bit left out as us 4 girls were all very close. I often had to bite my tongue but always did, and maintained a good relationship with her all through the years, even though we had little in common. The PILs actually expected us to visit them, rather than the other way round, because this is what had happened with their parents. So the inter-generational thing is interesting. They lived quite near and we used to visit them (as far as I can remember - am going back over 40 years) quite frequently and we also had a few holidays with them. One of my sons wrote on the funeral card when my MIL died "thankyou for a lifetime of happy memories" - just wish she's have been able to see it.

So to be absolutely honest I was glad that my MIL didn't visit all the time. I had my own mum and dad very close and lots of friends with babies. My parents never really came much, because I was over there most days.

As for now, with 1 of my DILs (who lives nearest but about 12 miles away) I know we don't have to wait for an invite, but see them 3 times a week as we pick up the gr/chdrn from school. I also do the ironing and clean the bathroom now and then. I also cook tea for everyone. With DIL no 2 who is also quite close - she's a SAHM and we don't have to wait for an invite but I always phone beforehand and say "don't worry if you're busy" etc etc. Dils 1 and 2 are very friendly and often dil no 2 will be visiting dil no 1 when we are there. We also get to see our sons too! We are on good terms with Dils 1 and 2's families and have all holidayed together several times.

Son no 3 and dil no 3 lives much further away so visits have to be arranged, and I have to be a bit careful with dil no 3 as she is a bit insecure and sometimes makes unnecessary comments, that I ignore. She is to be fair fine for most of the time, and I'd never dislike any woman who made my sons happy.
Has than answered your query?

Nina, I suppose it always comes down to both sides respecting the others boundaries. If the two families have very different ways of being you have to find some middle ground. The sad stories I hear, on both sides, seem to be because one side is saying "Do it my way or else" and there is no discussion.

It always strikes me that having that kind of attitude really is cutting of your nose to spite your face!

I'm not aiming that at you BTW, just responding to the point you made

Why? because I like my family and they like me?
Is that wrong then?

OP your DH sounds like a bit of a knobber

I would have said 'oh I had not idea you had planned to see DH, we're all just off out, but you have a fantastic time' and bogged off out actually.

My MiL is moving close-ish to me in a few months. I plan to make plans to see her twice a week and gently encourage her to get a life meet new people once she's settled so she doesn't have enough time to bug me.

thats really interesting, nina. you have clearly illustrated that the dynamic between individual relationships can vary hugely.
you seem a thoughtful, level headed person, who has some very successful IL relationships, and some which are slightly less 'fluid'- due to individual dynamics.

US, the problem that i've had with your posts is that you dont seem to acknowledge that not everyone 'clicks' like nina does with 2 of her dils. you seem to be taking lots of credit for being liked by your daughhter and want to blame the likes of me for not having 'chemistry' with my mil.

relationships are complex, US .

you are also comparing your relationship with your BIRTH daughter, with mine/ others' relationships with MILs. not the same at all. my mum and me have a totally different relationship and are very very close.

So why can't your dp and his mother be very very close?

Is that not allowed?

"I just hope some of you poster on these MIL threads stop a moment to consider that if you have sons you will in all probability have a DIL of your own some day! Wonder how you'll feel then if she turns you away on the doorstep, or says you have to make an appt to see your grchdrn, or if your son doesn't "grow a pair" and doesn't like to cause conflict with you"

I have a son. I will not turn up on his doorstep un-announced unless there's an emergency. I get fed up with this 'if you are the mother of a son just you wait' kind of mantra. The MILs posted about here are often at the extreme end of awful or at least they are often quite badly behaved. Why should perfectly normal DILs with perfectly normal requests (like asking for a bit of notice) be so badly judged? Not all of us like to have unannounced guests, even if they are close family.

There is nothing wrong with a husband being close to his mum, but when all is said and done, his wife should now be the number one woman in his life and to be frank, if it comes to spending time with his wife and family and not spending time with his parents, his wife and family come first (if he can keep them BOTH happy, fine, but if not, wife comes first).

I honestly do not know why some men (and women) bother getting married if they are going to be mummy's boys/daddy's girls all their lives.

I am an atheist, but the biblical saying, 'leave and cleave' makes perfect sense to me.

YOu have to say to them that can they give you a call before they come round just in case you aren't in or have plans, that really is all you have to say.

If they do come round and you are going out then say have to be a quick visit we are off out in half an hour etc.,

Exactly Fabby

No need for big dramas or ground rules

Ok you outlaws sound like mine (thou thank god they dont pop arround just yet! thank god for phone entry systems).

What we have is one day a week that they have "family dinner" which is to say swapping places each week us, SIL and the outlaws have dinner. Makes them feel like they get there family time and we get the "if you want x we'll come to dinner early" and gets us out of spending all our free time with them at the weekends. Both us and SIL have had to put down our feet and if they want to "pop in" its on our terms and it seems to have worked.

yes US they can be very very close, but not in my house, on my last little chunk of weekend.

wamster, you are so right. when dh behaves like he did last wkend, he just seems like a big mummy's boy... which is frankly... off putting.

I had similar problems with my MIL so I decided to turn the tables. I pre arranged a regular time to visit them - I could then leave when I'd had enough. They regularly saw DD1 and then had no desire to 'pop in' - especially as I made it clear during my visits that we had a packed schedule. This worked well enough until DH fell out with his mother and we haven't seen her for 5 years.

cat you have my sympathy. I could have written your OP.

It's even worse now that inlaws have split after 36 years (!). We have become their 'hobby' and we see them both separately - hence, more often.

It is driving me crazy too.

And Usual Suspect, I think you clearly have a lovely relationship with your daughter. But that really has no relation to this situation.
The OP is asking for advice. Not a lecture.

I live 10 minutes away from my daughter and son in law, and my grand-daughter is with me on weekdays while they work, so I'm very much a part of the family, but I always ring before I go to their place to make sure it's convenient, I have a key but I always knock if I know they're home. It's just common courtesy.

Catinhell we lived within walking distance of both my DM and PiL for several years. On the whole it worked well my mother is (like me) an arrangements type of person. PiL were 'poppers' and for a while would just walk straight in through the back door(!). We solved this issue by DH building a gate and then we fitted it with a padlock. Ostensibly this was to stop DD1 from getting out (she wasnt even walking!) in reality it was to stop PiLs from just walking in.

I think that the best trick for us was using the children as the reason why we needed notice. 'Sorry PiL, we are taking DCs to '. 'Sorry PiL, we are trying to get

I don't get it.
This whole thread is about inconsiderate in laws just turning up without warning and intruding on your family time and how worried you are about it happening more often when they live closer
BUT they did call and ask 'is it convenienient to come and visit?' and your dh said 'yes, will be lovely to see you'
what more do you want them to do???

To speak to them about ground rules for not dropping by unannounced when they move will be rude and uncalled for.
What you actually need to do is set ground rules with your own dh about him not changing your family plans and making new plans without telling you!

I think that Catinhell is looking for advice on how to sort things out with PiL when they move closer. I think the example of the parents calling in on Sunday was more an example of OP's DH not being able to say 'no' to his parents.

I live very near to my inlaws and my own parents.

My in laws are fabulous, they wouldn't dream of intruding into our lives. They are really busy people with their own lives and interests (retired tho), and we usually visit them. We see them several times a week and get on well. We help them out and they help us too. They have said (unprompted) they understand the need for privacy in your own home, and the need to just be yourselves, without the oldies! They only come over if invited or if necessary. Basically, they know where to set the boundaries!

My parents on the other hand were always calling round and staying for hours (at least every other day). I told them they had to ring first, they would ring and then come even if no one answered. If I answered no excuse would be good enough - if I said 'we are going out', they say 'where? we'll come too!' They won't be put off, even by an outright 'NO!'
We gave them lots of hints but they didn't get it, though would get upset at not being welcomed! We nearly moved away because they wouldn't leave us alone.
I have had to explain to them that we need time alone and though it is great to see them when we have arranged something, we don't always want them turning up and tagging along. Like you Catinhell, sometimes we make vague plans for things we want to do and don't want the plans hijacked!

My parents are currently NOT turning up uninvited and have stopped ringing daily and we have some breathing space.

They seem to be making an effort to enjoy their own lives more.
However, they are very huffy with me still and seem to think every moment I spend away from them is a snub.... oh well... better than being stalked!

I do think if your inlaws have different ideas from you about boundaries, you need to make it clear before they move so you don't have to tell them every time they intrude. Try and make a joke out of it, maybe talk about so and so's inlaws who turn up uninvited alll the time - 'thank crap you're not like that (haha)'. And give them a clear example of how you'd like them to behave. If all else fails, tell them outright you want to have a good relationship but you need boundaries to make it work if they are living nearby and these are x, y and z. I second the earlier advice to go round theirs so you can leave when you like.

Also, give dh a kick up the bum - he should be doing this, not you!

"No need for big dramas or ground rules"

I suspect the big dramas will be from the pil when they are asked to come round when it's convenient for the op and her family.

I don't think the op is not wanting her dh to be close to his mother. I am very close to my mother and she lives 200 miles away. I fail to see the connection.

I think there are some brilliant sounding mils and gps around especially on this thread but there are also those who are overbearing, intrusive and who consider their gcs to be a second opportunity at parenting.

Those are the thick skinned ones who do need ground rules.

To instantly spring to the defence of all gps as if they were the same kettle of fish, is really daft. Because they're people, with their own failings, just like dils, sils, mothers, uncles etc. And sometimes things just don't run as smoothly as one would like so chats need to be had.

I just hope the OP has the same ground rules for her own parents

because to treat her PILs as second best is not on really is it?

Lets hope she runs it by her dp when her own parents want to visit

No, it's not really on treat anyone as second best but if they don't get the notion that the op's home is not theirs to come whenever they want and stay for as long as they want, then she may have to be firmer with them than other more considerate, polite relatives.

It's not difficult.

Yes, to be fair the OP must now run it past her dh when her parents wish to visit. I agree with that.

If only in-laws would get it into their heads that their children's home is not their home there would be no need for any of this.

I think a lot of the trouble stems from the past when extended families were the norm -my ex-mil had her mil living with her (and her own mother, too) . They had a mansion-sized house to accommodate them all and she expected me to see her in the same way. Which I could not, all felt too claustrophobic and unnatural. (yes, my former dh and I split but nothing to do with his mother, other things went wrong). She still lives a stone's throw away from her own daughter and son-in-law. I couldn't bear it if I were him but perhaps men do not mind their mils so much.

Well, I'm not convinced about it all being a generational thing. Besides, I bet in those days all that family living together was really really hard for those members who had relatives who were domineering and interfering. Hellish!

My pil insist that in their day, their gps were always around but my mil loathed her mil and did everything she could to exclude her from family events, asking me to lie about those events to her mil and even tried to stop me and dh from visiting the old lady in the last year of her life.

Dh is still quite angry about it - as a child he was allowed to see her one hour a week - but of course he would never say anything. Besides, what's the point now she's dead.

But when it comes to not being able to skype pil or have them to visit when it suits them, you'd think mil was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Dh feels very guilty and upset whenever it's just not possible. It's really pathetic and emotionally controlling.

I think people, gps whoever, just need to show some common courtesy to other people's time, privacy and priorities.

Also perhaps detach a bit from their grown up children and recognise that sometimes it's just not always feasible to do things the way they want them.

And I am amazed that there are people on here who think it should all be roses and that grown up children should just roll over and let their parents do whatever it is that they like, regardless of their own grown up children and partners' preferences. No way. What's the point in growing up then?