Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

IN LAWS moving nearby... need some ground rules

109 replies

catinhell · 19/05/2011 20:46

My inlaws are soon moving house and will be living very close to us. they are retired and seem to want to be very involved with us and the dc. sometimes their level of involvement can be a bit intrusive- although i know that their intentions are good.

DH and I had a massive row this weekend as his inlaws invited themselves round on sunday afternoon, thereby sabotaging any chance of us having a family outing before dh and i go went back to work.

now, theyve been round at our house loads lately and i just snapped. suddenly couldnt handle them being here yet again. the thing is dh, didnt wnat them to come any more than i did, but just can never say no to his mother.

i ended up storming out before they arrived and left him and the ds's to contend with the inlaws on their own.

i'm so worried about them 'popping round' all the time when they move here (3 hours on a sunday afternoon is not 'popping' in my book!)

i just couldnt bare them ever turning up unannounced either.

dh's mum is very sensitive and we've had 2 bust ups in the past where she has gone ballistic about things that we have done to 'upset' her.

so... with this history of over sensitivity, and a dh with no balls, how do i set some ground rules???

advice please!

OP posts:
Didyouever · 19/05/2011 22:00

I would try and imagine the future:

You're not allowed to go and visit your son and GC without an appointment, and then made to feel pretty unwelcome.

I assume this is some sort of territorial thing.

And anyone can do my washing and house work.

freddy05 · 19/05/2011 22:01

I guess catinhell that i wouldn't mind so much if they ever came when DH was here!! It is all just about keeping an eye on me and making me aware that, given i'm a student on maternity leave, the house and the rights over it belong to their son and therefore them.

Just to point out DH doesn't see it that way and is fully supportive of me telling them to get lost when they ignore a simple request to use a telephone.

Original poster
catinhell · 19/05/2011 22:01

usualsuspect... um... if you work then you have less time to youreslf so weekends could seem more precious. the drama arose from dh being unable to tell them thayt we had plans. this is why i need advice, usualsuspect. telling ME to say 'we're just going out' and not make a drama is slightly missing the point of the thread.

chunk, i agree that its v different for him but i also know that he really really didnt want to see them either, on this ocassion. there is a real history in the family of no one ever saying how they really feel. its a hard one to crack...

OP posts:
Tolalola · 19/05/2011 22:05

dh arranged it on the phone without me knowing

I can understand that you don't much relish the thought of your in-laws camping on your doorstep, but it really seems that you're getting cross with the wrong person.

If your DH organised or agreed to a visit from his parents without talking to you then it's really him that you should be having it out with. You need to explain to him that he should not arrange things without running them past you first.

Original poster
catinhell · 19/05/2011 22:09

skiinggarder, youre actually very close to the truth.

i am a private person. i cannot bear even my best friend popping by unannounced. maybe its one of my shortcomings, but none of are perfect.

i appreciate my inlaws and am fond of them, but like millions of DILs out there, find them hard work at times.

i do not belive that i am a DIL from hell who needs to look into the future to see my own destiny so that i can discover the error of my ways and develop some empathy with the ILs!!!

i just want us to be able to say if we want visitors or not.

OP posts:
Ishani · 19/05/2011 22:09

I intend to be a Ma Boswell type of MIL they will be at my house fir Sunday lunch once a month unless they are on life support, that way everyone knows where they stand before they've married my children.

Original poster
catinhell · 19/05/2011 22:11

the 'seeing into the future' comment was aimed at DIdyouever, btw.

OP posts:
catinthehat2 · 19/05/2011 22:15

"I wish someone would do my washing when I was at work"

er no
not in real life
my dirty laundry is personal not public

catinthehat2 · 19/05/2011 22:17

DH needs to have regular 3 hr appt with his parents, taking the kids, & leaving you at home. Sat am?

You can join in as you see fit - ie not every week

Chunkamatic · 19/05/2011 22:18

Ok, so he didn't want to see them, but he wanted to upset them less. And upsetting you is better than upsetting them in your DH's eyes. I suppose because he feels he can explain himself to you then it is easier not to be honest with his mum, he obviously feels a bit protective of them in some way (I come from a family who never, ever say what they really feel so I can kind of see it from your DH's side).
It sounds as though these family habits are going to be very hard to break if that's the culture that they're all used to, but essentially you're not part of that as you haven't been brought up by them so I would still say it is easier for you to bring up the subject of them coming over when it suits you. I also agree with the other poster who suggested telling them in advance of the week ahead what your plans are so that they know when you will be out (even if this means lying a bit sometimes and saying you're doing something when you're really not!)
I don't know if you have any of your own family nearby? I think if you can manage to strike the right balance it will be a positive thing to have them close by, it does sound like they are just trying to be a part of your lives in a helpful way, it is just for you to guide them a bit.

usualsuspect · 19/05/2011 22:18

I'm not bothered about who sees my dirty washing

Original poster
catinhell · 19/05/2011 22:24

chunk, you are SO right re it being easier for dh to upset me than upset them.

but... it does need to him that sets these boundaries as she would be more offended and hold a grudge more if it came from me.

last time i decided to tell her how i felt, she ostracised (sp?) me for weeks... i was 8.5 months PG Sad

OP posts:
2rebecca · 19/05/2011 22:27

It's not "making an appointment" it's arranging a mutually convenient time, not going round when it suits you and is a pain in the bum for the other person.
It's called being considerate.
Thankfully my family and DH's all arrange mutually convenient times.
If I had arranged to do something with my husband and his parents then invited themselves round and he daren't say no I would be telling him that either he phone them and tell them we had made plans he'd "forgotten" about and it wasn't convenient or I would.
I think nearby relatives is only bareable if you are firm about when is a convenient time to see them and when isn't, otherwise you'll end up hating them and your husband.
You have to be clear with them that you don't want to visit and be visited every week.
Your husband seems the main problem here though. There seem an awful lot of wussy blokes on mumsnet.

shmoz · 19/05/2011 22:28

Ishani lol @ Ma Boswell type

I would have loved my MIL to pop round and see her only DGS but sadly she died 2 years before he was born, she would have got so much pleasure from spending time with him. FIL lives in a different country so has little contact anyway due to logistics and is is also now almost blind so will not 'see' his DGS grow up.

Having said that, if my mother and step dad (who are alive, not blind and live locally) had popped around unannounced just as we were going out we would have simply invited them along (and been bloody grateful for the extra assistance quite frankly).

Each family is different I guess.

HansieMom · 19/05/2011 22:29

My PIL used to appear unannounced on our doorstep on a Sunday morning at 8 a.m. They had a two hour journey to get there! I worked the 3 to 11:30 shift, then wound down for a couple hours and I hated being awakened early by unexpected people.

I was telling my DIL this story and she agreed she wouldn't want unexpected visitors either. We both call first. We used to live a country apart but now live less than half an hour apart, and it is good to have such agreements so you don't offend each other.

Besides, then I can have GC excitedly waving or jumping up and down when I arrive!

Original poster
catinhell · 19/05/2011 22:30

exactly rebecca

OP posts:
Original poster
catinhell · 19/05/2011 22:32

hansie, nice to get a grandparent'sperspective... how should i phrase things,do you think?

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 19/05/2011 22:34

I would hate it too. My mum lives just 4 or 5 miles away and there is no way she would ever just 'pop in'. Much as I love her I would hate it if she did. Luckily she would never be so rude.

So OP I don't think you are being at all unreasonable to be miffed by this kind of behaviour.

Did they consult with you before they moved?

AllDirections · 19/05/2011 22:36

I'm with you shmoz, I would have just invited them along too. TBH I don't get needing 'nuclear family' time.

Original poster
catinhell · 19/05/2011 22:37

dueling, they did not consult, but we have been here only 18 months, and we knew they also liked this area when we moved here.

OP posts:
ItsGrimUpNorth · 19/05/2011 22:38

What's all this "appointment" rubbish? I've never heard such nonsense.

It is common courtesy to check if it is convenient to visit someone. To just turn up is extremely bad manners and arrogant. It states, "I am here. I do not care what you had planned. I demand you attend to me."

Op I pity you. For me having my in laws move nearby would be "we want to be involved with our grandchildren vwe are going to make them our sole focus and aim in our lives. We will come over whenever we want because you can't stop us.". My sil moved to a different city because her parents - my in laws - wouldn't let her have any family time alone with her children.

Get those boundaries established now and don't be afraid as coming across as a cold fish because believe me, you can't win so make sure you get the family time you need.

usualsuspect · 19/05/2011 22:38

I popped in to see my DD and grandkids this evening

I cooked the kids tea , bathed them and hung her washing out

She was grateful for the rest

Original poster
catinhell · 19/05/2011 22:42

alldirections, if you had somebody who's company you found slightly hard work, would you want to see them frequently and without warning, or would you prefer to plan and be mentally prepared for a visit?

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 19/05/2011 22:42

usual suspect, would she feel the same if you did that several times a week every week?

My FIL comes to visit us every 2-4 weeks. It's ok, although he has only started doing this since I had a baby; before that he never visited. It's OK but we have had to tell him to call and check with us first because he was just calling and saying 'I am in town, come and pick me up' without considering that we might have other plans or that we might just want to sit around in our pants picking our noses instead of making conversation about trains!

WinkyWinkola · 19/05/2011 22:43

That's your dd usualsuspect. Perhaps you have a very strong relationship. Perhaps she would like more space. Have you ever asked her? If you have then brilliant.

S