Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

IN LAWS moving nearby... need some ground rules

109 replies

catinhell · 19/05/2011 20:46

My inlaws are soon moving house and will be living very close to us. they are retired and seem to want to be very involved with us and the dc. sometimes their level of involvement can be a bit intrusive- although i know that their intentions are good.

DH and I had a massive row this weekend as his inlaws invited themselves round on sunday afternoon, thereby sabotaging any chance of us having a family outing before dh and i go went back to work.

now, theyve been round at our house loads lately and i just snapped. suddenly couldnt handle them being here yet again. the thing is dh, didnt wnat them to come any more than i did, but just can never say no to his mother.

i ended up storming out before they arrived and left him and the ds's to contend with the inlaws on their own.

i'm so worried about them 'popping round' all the time when they move here (3 hours on a sunday afternoon is not 'popping' in my book!)

i just couldnt bare them ever turning up unannounced either.

dh's mum is very sensitive and we've had 2 bust ups in the past where she has gone ballistic about things that we have done to 'upset' her.

so... with this history of over sensitivity, and a dh with no balls, how do i set some ground rules???

advice please!

OP posts:

ballstoit · 19/05/2011 22:43

catinhell, the issue is with your DH not your PIL. They DID ring and check first and were told it would be fine to come over. Perhaps you and DH need to make a compromise as you seem to have different views on what's ok and what's not...neither of you has sole rights to make these decisions.

However, I agree that making a plan on a Thursday for the weekend is a good idea, particularly if you vary the routine.This plan needs to be made with your PIL and your DH, it is a joint decision what you do and who you see when.

WinkyWinkola · 19/05/2011 22:46

Some people prefer different levels of privacy, tome with their nuclear family etc. They are allowed that. It is perfectly ok to have that preference just as it is ok to want to be closely involved with wider family if that is what you want.

usualsuspect · 19/05/2011 22:47

Oh she would tell me ..theres no doubt about that

AllDirections · 19/05/2011 22:48

usualsuspect, I wish you were my DM :)

usualsuspect · 19/05/2011 22:48

AllDirections You could moan about me on MN then

Original poster

catinhell · 19/05/2011 22:51

usualsuspect, now i can see that you are a grandparent... which explains some of your hostility towards me. you could have offered a helpful insight into a granparent's perspective, but instead have been a oddly defensive/ agressive.

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 19/05/2011 23:05

Well that's great usualsuspect. You evidently have a close relationship with your dd. What about your son in law? He would tell you too?

What if your dd actually said she would prefer it if you came round less often? Would you be able to accept and understand that?

I get the impression that grown up children are simply not allowed to have privacy and visitors when they want just because their parents feel their needs come first in someone else's life and home.

It amazes me.

Original poster

catinhell · 19/05/2011 23:10

winky that is how i feel, i guess. you put it so well.

i represent that 'adult child' who is saying 'no' which is why US doesnt like me

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 19/05/2011 23:19

I am a DIL and a MIL. So my views are from both perspectives.

Didyouever · 19/05/2011 23:24

I've never heard of a son-in-law having much of a say in how often his Mil visits.

And if it was posted on here he would get a right kicking.

WinkyWinkola · 19/05/2011 23:31

Didyouever, I don't think that's necessarily true if he was being reasonable.

blackeyedsusan · 19/05/2011 23:33

catinhell, you are you, not one of the numerous posters who like people popping in unannounced. different peopl like different things... i am with you on the not popping over without notice thing. when you don't get much time away from work, the little bit you have is precious, especially as a lot of non work time will be spent doing housework. it can be a territorial thing too, doing dils/s's housework, ok if welcomed and the relationship is good.. not if not and somepeople just like things done their own way (sil flooding my new worktops with water whilst washing up was not kind, it could have cost hundreds of pounds to replace and months of work as they were not sealed at the back yet and water could lift the surface... ) (never mind water runnuing onto the floor with the potential to ruin the man downstairs ceiling... )

and breathe..

dp needs to stop being such a coward, he is damaging your relationship by letting mil intrude....

livinginazoo · 20/05/2011 08:21

You have to tell your DH to grow a pair, particularly as his mum is 'sensitive'. Tough not your problem, if she has a hissy fit because he is setting boundaries with her, that is her problem. Otherwise resentment will just grow between you all. He is not saving his mother's feelings by staying out of it, but causing stress within the different relationships. Not everyone can cope with or wants their ILs (or parents) popping round unannounced the whole time, that is why phones were invented. If I were in your shoes what I would do, next time she does it go and have a shower and walk through the house naked. That will give her a hint.

2rebecca · 20/05/2011 09:19

I find "sensitive" is usually an inappropriate term for people who like their own way. It's usually more selfish and sometimes personality disordered. To me a sensitive person (not that I use the term much) would be sensitive to the needs of others and empathetic, and not wanting to come round uninvited in case it was inconvenient for the other person, and would prefer to be told a visit is inconvenient than come when the visited people had other plans and there is a bit of an atmosphere.

FlappyBaps · 20/05/2011 09:52

Catinhell - I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from as we had a similar situation while I was off on maternity leave and my inlaws seemed to be over all the time - and would turn up unannounced, or make it plain they were staying for dinner when that wasn't the original plan, or (best one) dropping in on Easter Monday after my DH had been on call and working all weekend so the Monday was the only time I got to see him.... I ended up initiating visit conversations so I could keep tabs on when they would be around and head them off at the pass by saying when we wouldn't be in. What worked was giving them regular "slots" that they could take or leave. Also my DH FINALLY spoke to them to ask them to tone it down a bit, although it did go in one ear and out of the other....

Before anyone says anything along the lines of "but would you do the same to your parents" - I wouldn't have to because they have sufficient manners and consideration to appreciate that an unannounced visit, never arriving on time (and by that I mean usually horribly early often when I'm not even dressed) or outstaying their welcome - which is a practical issue in terms of having enough food on the table! - is simply rude. I don't do that to my parents or my friends and I don't think it's too much to expect others to do the same.

Of course grandparents should be close to their grandchildren if at all possible, and if (like me) you're not terribly keen on some of them then yes it means gritting your teeth while they are over and never letting on to your DC that it's anything other than a pleasure to see them etc etc, but being a grandparent does not (in my view) give someone carte blanche to expect an open house. Not if that was never the case pre-grandchildren, anyway.

Ooops - sorry - can you tell that's been brewing for a while?! Bottom line - what Inertia said.

FlappyBaps · 20/05/2011 10:00

PS - forgot to say that I took the lead in making arrangements because my DH (love him) was so rubbish at it! I think part of the reason their visits were a bit out of control was because he would never suggest that they came over. Just being a typical son - nothing sinister. Things improved hugely when they were invited and kept in the loop but it took alot of reminders from me to get him to engage!

livinginazoo · 20/05/2011 12:08

Quite agree with the sentiments on the word 'sensitive'. There is absolutely nothing worse than an adult woman having a hissy fit, with tears and shouting because she doesn't get her way. Or not accepting the word no because it doesn't suit, so feet are stamped. I don't even find that endearing in a 3 year old, and they can be cute at least!

yomellamoHelly · 20/05/2011 12:21

Would having a chat with your MIL that she should call you about coming round as you hold the family's social diary work? Also allows you to stop her at the doorstep if she hasn't run it by you. Make a joke about how your dh can't organise a p*-up in a brewery if need be / how women are always better at sorting out these things etc......

ItsGrimUpNorth · 20/05/2011 13:26

I wonder if many gps who visit like this rely on the fact that they know their son or daughter is unable to say anything to stop them.

I know my mil would go round every single day to visit her gcs whilst her daughter, my sil, quietly seethed in the kitchen or would simply be out a lot. I mean, it's the daughter's fault for not standing up to her mother but the mother claimed all innocence and started crying, saying her gcs were her life etc. Yawn. The kids were starting to be of an age where they didn't really want to hang with granny so they were getting annoyed with her being around all the time too.

Sil moved away very soon after that and my mil simply cannot pop around when she likes anymore. It ruined their relationship, apparently permanently.

It's not a nice feeling when you think you might get visitors at any time who won't leave, who will get offended if you dare suggest you've got other things to do or even if you just want to be alone with your dh and dcs. I'd feel slightly stalked and will always always keep a distance from my in laws who insist they have absolutely no other interests in life apart from their gcs. Smashing.

LuluLozenge · 20/05/2011 14:00

I would hate this - I love my own space. My PIL live quite a way away and I love seeing them. But if they moved around the corner there would definitely need to be ground rules - just like there is with friends.

My idea of 'popping round' is when I have to drop something off or pick something up from a friend. I would never dream of 'just popping round' and staying somewhere for three hours!

Completely with you on the washing front, too. Yeuck.

Wamster · 20/05/2011 14:36

While I believe that a person should try to get on with their mil, I think the whole point of marriage is that a person leaves their parents to form a new family of their own.
You are not being unreasonable - your Sunday afternoons are precious time for your family and, to be honest, your husband and children come first and, if you've got time for you in-laws, fine, if not, they come second.

I do not find the 'Ma Boswell' post funny, I find it fucking chilling.

Having said this, your husband should set your mil straight.

A close male friend has him mil -literally- living around the corner, it would drive me fucking insane- not matter how nice she is, having them popping around every single bleeding day ain't healthy!!

Wamster · 20/05/2011 14:38

She sits on the sofa at 7pm every bloody night for an hour. Without fail. Jeez. Not even every other day.

NanaNina · 20/05/2011 19:21

Oh god I don't know why I go on these threads - I am one of those creatures unfit to roam the earth - yes a MIL but i am also a partner, a mother, a grandparent, an aunt, friend etc etc. I have 3 dils and am lucky enough to have good relationships with all of them, though dil no. 3 is a bit tricky and I have to walk on eggshells a bit, but I think she is a little insecure and I still am very fond of her.

I just hope some of you poster on these MIL threads stop a moment to consider that if you have sons you will in all probability have a DIL of your own some day! Wonder how you'll feel then if she turns you away on the doorstep, or says you have to make an appt to see your grchdrn, or if your son doesn't "grow a pair" and doesn't like to cause conflict with you.

It's a 2 way street you know, most of my women friends are MILs with DILs and I could tell you some horror stories of dils being so rude and dismissive of their PILS. Strikes me some MILs can't do right for doing wrong - some of you complain they never visit, don't offer to help, are selfish, some say they visit too much, want to help too much etc etc.

Maybe we should all just dig a hole and jump in it!!

Original poster

catinhell · 20/05/2011 19:29

nina, you sound lovely.

i have to say, though, Usualsuspect and Squeaky have not been such good ambassadors for your cause

OP posts:

Original poster

catinhell · 20/05/2011 19:33

nina, can i ask you an honest question?

do you think you want to spend more time with your DILs and GCs than you would have wanted to spend with your own inlaws when your own dc were tiny?

i have a theory, that just as you are saying my generation has no empathy with the ILs, one could also argue that the grandparents have forgetten what its like to be younger and not want the old boot around (am totally sure YOURE not an old boot,btw)

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5