IN LAWS moving nearby... need some ground rules

[catinhell]

My inlaws are soon moving house and will be living very close to us. they are retired and seem to want to be very involved with us and the dc. sometimes their level of involvement can be a bit intrusive- although i know that their intentions are good.

DH and I had a massive row this weekend as his inlaws invited themselves round on sunday afternoon, thereby sabotaging any chance of us having a family outing before dh and i go went back to work.

now, theyve been round at our house loads lately and i just snapped. suddenly couldnt handle them being here yet again. the thing is dh, didnt wnat them to come any more than i did, but just can never say no to his mother.

i ended up storming out before they arrived and left him and the ds's to contend with the inlaws on their own.

i'm so worried about them 'popping round' all the time when they move here (3 hours on a sunday afternoon is not 'popping' in my book!)

i just couldnt bare them ever turning up unannounced either.

dh's mum is very sensitive and we've had 2 bust ups in the past where she has gone ballistic about things that we have done to 'upset' her.

so... with this history of over sensitivity, and a dh with no balls, how do i set some ground rules???

advice please!

Haven't read through all of these so sorry if this has already been said, but I would preempt drop-ins by arranging a time for them to come around for a visit in advance. And when you are going to visit them, always ring first to let them know you are coming and check that it's OK etc well in advance. Basically show them the boundaries you expect, if that makes sense.

I know what you mean about Sunday afternoons being precious when you work full time....

Agree!

l agree with PP about being her being sensitive Is really her throwing a strop if she doesn’t get her own way.

Your DH needs to toughen up...it is certainly not right that he feels more comfortable pissing you off than his mother.

You’ve probably posted on here, as they’ve popped around a little too often over the festive period and this last visit was the straw that broke the camels back!

Let me start by saying that my MIL cannot do enough for us as a family, and is a doting grandmother to her grandchildren. I recognise this and am grateful for her support, because really they have helped us out so much with childcare and seem to want to do more and more.

BUT she is interfering beyond words. She tells me i shouldnt call my son 'my baby' as it encourages him to want to be with me all the time? He never wants to sleep over at their house because she always ends up lecturing him about something - he is only 6 and i have to say the easiest child. He is calm, polite and kindness personified but he is very shy and quiet. She forces him to do things he doesnt want to do and he gets upset and doesnt want to go again. Everytime i broach the subject she says its time for him to grow up. She tells me he is the way he is because i am too attentive, too mollycoddling, too soft etc. She called my husband once to say Id made a meal but id not washed the tomatoes before throwing them in the pan. Why? My husband once gave her the key to our house and though he has asked for it back repeatedly, she finds an excuse and then turns up (once at 8.30am on a sunday when we were all in bed watching a film). She judges our choices, she blames her sons stress on me (he has an extremely stressful job) and once asked the headmistress at our childs school what to do with my sons 'shyness' and even consulted a child paychologist behind our back.

She has told me that they will be moving within 3 minutes of our house and I have gone into a panic. We see them twice a week as it is. I dont want her close to me to scrutinise my life and judge the life we have built for our children. We have a wonderful family unit, and our kids are loved, happy and healthy. When she walks in through the door my kids will give her 10 minutes (because ive drummed it into them that they cant be rude) and then they disappear upstairs. My husband listens to one of her hour long conversations judging someone or something and disappears too leaving me to listen and take any criticism she can give behind my husbands back.

He said we cannot control where she lives and nor should we, but he cannot stand up to her and so setting boundaries wont work. How can we say 'yes please pick up kids for us but dont come over'. Its not fair, its hurtful and it is using her. But i dont want the stress of knowing she can turn up any moment. A five minute visit is always 2-3 hours of her complaining about me/someone else/ her husband (whom i adore by the way).

Has anyone else experienced this? Any advice?

We all have the right to privacy. To run our own lives and make our own decisions. It is inherent in us to challenge and evolve.

It is not fair for your in-laws to influence your lives and impact on them to the extent they do. It’s not right for you and that’s enough.

There is only one option and it will be tough. You have to sit down together and get it out. Before they move. You don’t need to pull any tricks, just tell it how it is for you. Don’t spare an inch. Your husband needs to be there and you need to be open and honest with him before hand. Whatever hits the fan you can recover from, and I mean all of you. But you need to create an ambient environment to have this discussion. Make sure the kids are in bed and you won’t get disturbed.

If you PIL are decent they will reflect on what you say. They may even learn a thing or two. They may even decide not to move. If they react negatively, you then have to decide what’s next, but never surrender your right to live your lives how you wish to.

But you need to have the discussion or it will fester and the wound will be deep if they have by then made life plans they cannot undo.

Your DH is pivotal to this. He needs to get what you feel and he does need to see and respect your point of view. The change may be greatest in him, then your MIL. But it’s part of life stuff, so you need to get on with it.

Plan what you want to say in advance and exactly what you want to say and how to say it. Be smart about that.

However hard it may seem, it’s a hell of a lot easier now than it will be later if the wound festers.

Op I feel for you. I've said several times to my mother in law not to turn up unnannounced. She DOES not listen and it causes issues, because she does it when we are trying right cook dinner, or when we are watching live sport on a Sunday afternoon. We just want to chill.
They make us feel really uncomfortable if we leave it on. I have no wise advise but am sympathising with you lots!

Is there any reason they couldn’t come on the outing with you? I’d personally say to try and make lemonade out of lemons? If they pop round why do you and DH have to be in? You’ve got a huge opportunity here. What I would have done today when they turned up was say to them “as you’re here, are you ok if me and DH go see that new movie we’re keen on” then go out! Out out. Lucky you! Go bowling, see a movie, go to the pub....everytime they turn up, get a few hours childcare out of them. Go for a meal and a mooch round the shops. Win win. Try and not be stroppy about it all but use the situation to your best advantage. That’s what successful people in life/business do.

@Winniepops12
Move. Have a serious chat with your dh, it’s up to him to tell her to back off. Change the barrel of the lock, it’s like £7.