It seems DH is doing things on purpose so I'll nag him, and then we'll have a big row

[mmebovarycestmoi]

DH is overweight (technically obese now), doesn't exercise at all, eats whatever he fancies. I did what I could to help him eat healthly/exercise/take care of himself, took him to GP (who said he had high cholesterol and should go back in 6 months - 3 years ago), stressed myself a lot.

So, after years of that, I decided (over a month ago) to let him to it. He's an adult, after all (he pays the gym every month and never puts his feet there, and we are not that comfortable financially at the moment). It feels good not to have to worry about this, to tell the truth.

He sleeps very late everyday, which affects the way he functions. I used to nag him about this as well, but not anymore. I just leave him to it as well. He is always tired.

He's got a cold for weeks now, spends his days feeling crap. He says his immune system is weak. Of course it is. (he wants me to pity him and take care of him, and make teas and so on, but I'm not doing this, not this time)

But the point is. I decided to let his eating and sleeping habits to him, as well as his health. I've always taken care of him, but he refuses to be taken care of and says I'm bossing him around, and simply doesn't do what I say. Fair enough, I should have realised he's an adult years ago, but better late than never.

Since we started living together, over 6 years ago, it has always been agreed that we always have a shower before going to bed. He used to have his shower at 4 in the morning (just to prove that he does it when he wants, and not when he's told).

But now, since I don't nag him because of sleep/food, he has decided to skip the shower altogether. It seems he wants a reason for a fight! I pretended I didn't notice once, then twice. Yesterday he lied he had showered (he knows these little lies are reason for big, huge fights, as I take them very seriously - so it's two reasons for a fight).

It seems I have a 37yo teenager at home, who wants to prove I don't tell him what to do and/or wants to pick up fights so he can see he's loved! Really? We have a 1yo DS and I'll have to deal with a teenager when the time comes. I don't want this right now.

(BTW, I've told him several times, if he doesn't like any of the "house rules," we can discuss it and change the rule - instead of him simply ignoring it, which is stressful to me and not a good example to DS, who will soon start to understand these things).

I'm not sure how to deal with that. We sleep in the same bed (DS as well) and I'm not putting up with him sleeping there without showering (even if I did, I'm sure he would pick some other thing after that, just to piss me off).

I shouldn't be worrying about this when there's work to do, a child to take care of, housework to be done, etc etc.

What does DH want from me? He never says things clearly so I'm left to trying to guess what he wants and how he feels.

who does the shopping?

why doesnt he work?

" would you mind sleeping in the spare room if you decide not to shower? Thanks" {change subject/leave room}

But also, 'House Rules' seems a little bit, um, controlling. I think I'd probably rebel/act like a teenager if my spouse kept mentioning these.

Hi

I'm assuming your partner doesn't work then if he sleeps late everyday? Is there a reason for this?

I appalud your decision to decide not to 'look after' him anymore. As you rightly point out it is not your place to take care of him like he is your child.

Does he not worry about or realise he is putting his own health at huge risk? Does he not care.

I'm a bit puzzled by the shower thing though. Why does he have to have a shower before he goes to bed? The word house rules seems a bit of a controlling thing to say about a partner. It is something you would use with a child not an adult (or so it seems to me anyway)

Having said that your partner sounds like he needs a good kick up the arse. Could he be depressed? overeating and sleeping late can both be symptoms of this, maybye a visit to the gp is in order for him?

ILoveTIFFANY, he does work. He has a f/t job, he pays the bills now (I work as a freelance just a few hours a week and don't make much money). That's why he's so tired. (and he doesn the shopping and does things in the house. Doesn't pull his weight when it comes to DS, but that's another story).

KateMiddletonsEyebrows, he'll go to bed at 4am, and it's a bit hard to force him to the sofa at this time. I'll try this, but it's not that easy (specially with a baby in the bed and with him lying that he had a shower).

I am controlling, I admit. But I used the term "house rules" just to make it clear. There aren't that many rules around here and as I said, I'm open to discuss them. But I don't see how we can have children and not have at least a few rules. (and some of them it was him who invented, btw)

holyShmoley, no, he loves her, but she wasn't the sort of mother who would micromanage children. That's why in the first few years I was happy to arrange his doctor appointments, worry about his food and so on. But if I'm doing that only to be told I'm bossy, then I'm just stopping.

The odd thing is that he doesn't say I don't love him. I've been nasty to him since DS was born and he never complained in these terms. I'm doing couples counselling - but most sessions I go by myself. When he goes he doesn't say anything useful (he's really not into talking therapy)

MilkandWine, as I said, he works, in a f/t stressful job. That's why he's so tired all the time.

I don't want to sleep beside someone who hasn't showered :)

"Having said that your partner sounds like he needs a good kick up the arse. Could he be depressed? overeating and sleeping late can both be symptoms of this, maybye a visit to the gp is in order for him?" --> that's what I think! I've taken him to gp, to therapy, nothing works. And he won't take antidepressants.

So is he showering at all?

hahaha, he showers in the morning. But he has always showered twice a day, nothing new here.

You sound pretty difficult to live with, I'm afraid. Is solo therapy an option for you?

Cockney, can I just ask why exactly? (I'm not disagreeing. Even I find it difficult living with myself)

What other house rules do you have?

If he is showering every day surely that is enough, unless he has a health problem that causes him to smell/sweat excessively.

If my husband told me that I had to shower at night as well as in the morning, and I worked fulltime and was in poor health and was tired, I'd be very pissed off with him. That's an unreasonable 'rule'.

Possibly he's staying up late because he feels nagged and controlled and is trying to avoid having an argument every night when he gets into bed - easier to hope you're asleep then to be interrogated about his cleanliness.

In fact, not many rules that I remember now. Taking the shoes out when we come into the house - but DH takes this one more seriously than I do, and nags me if I walk around in my shoes.

Putting the shop in the fridge/cupboards as soon as we get home (we nag each other when someone forgets that).

Turning off the TV when we're having a meal.

Not sitting on the bed with the clothes we've used outside (this one has been ignored on a regular basis by both of us in the last few months).

These kinds of things. As you see, nothing very strict or absurd.

not sitting on the bed with clothes on you've used outside??? what does THAT mean

Tortoiseonthehalfshell, you may think it's excessive, but it was never an issue, until now. Why after 6 years it has started to be a problem? More specifically, when I stopped nagging him about other things? You see? I have a feeling he wants to be nagged (or he wants to piss me off)

You really sound like you're parenting him, and he's rebelling. It's the use of "I've told him", "I took him" etc in your post. I'd assume this were a child if I hadn't read otherwise. You seem intent on controlling him.

It's a strange dynamic and I'm not surprised it's not fostering intimacy between you. Why do you say you have you been nasty to him since your ds arrived?

Ok, DP is the most anal person I know (borderline OCD) re being tidy and clean. His place is spotless. He has never ever requested I take a shower before bed, or avoid sitting on his bed in clothes which have been outside.

Do you both thrive on nagging each other? Sounds exhausting.

tiffany, I mean not sitting on the clean linen with the clothes we used for work, because they are full of dust and whatever. I usually change when I come home. (it may be a bit OTT but I like to sleep in clean linens, and I only change them every fortnight. Anyway, it was never a problem for both of us).

Well, but it has always been an issue, if he used to shower at 4am to make a point about you not controlling him, right? And now is when he has a one year old, a stressful fulltime job, does housework and shopping and has had a cold for several weeks. He's chronically tired and says his immune system is shot. Perhaps the twice-daily shower has just become one thing too many to comply with.

He doesn't want you to pick fights with him, I don't think. He wants you to show that you love him, and he might not be going about it the right way (acting childish and needy) but I think that's it.

are you both farmm workers or something? and whats the point in that 'rule' if he sleeps IN the linen unwashed/showered??

carly, that's the point!!! We nag each other all day, and that IS exhausting.

So, I stopped nagging him re food and sleep.

Then, he decided to do something that he knows I hate, apparently only to annoy me, since eating a lot and sleeping too little was not doing the trick anymore.

It seems he wants to rebel, like a teenager. And that he wants me to nag him (if not food/sleep, then the shower). Where do I go from here?

Well I think the point is that he doesn't sleep in it unwashed/unshowered, Tiffany! The two rules go together.

I think some of your rules are strict and absurd. I would be thoroughly pissed off if DH demanded that I shower before bed.

You took him to the GP? I have been known to accompany DH to appointments if he wants a bit of support, but I've never taken him.

His weight and health are his business. You can support him by buying and cooking healthy food, or by eating the same as him without complaint if he is cooking, but nagging him about it is very unlikely to help.

Tortoise, so you think he needs to feel loved. Well, I used to do that trying to take care of him. Maybe that was not what he needed, but that was the only way I knew. Anyway, it pissed him off, so I stopped (took me many years to stop, but I did it eventually).

I really don't know what to do now.

(tiffany, we live in London, take the tube to work, this sort of things)