It seems DH is doing things on purpose so I'll nag him, and then we'll have a big row

[mmebovarycestmoi]

DH is overweight (technically obese now), doesn't exercise at all, eats whatever he fancies. I did what I could to help him eat healthly/exercise/take care of himself, took him to GP (who said he had high cholesterol and should go back in 6 months - 3 years ago), stressed myself a lot.

So, after years of that, I decided (over a month ago) to let him to it. He's an adult, after all (he pays the gym every month and never puts his feet there, and we are not that comfortable financially at the moment). It feels good not to have to worry about this, to tell the truth.

He sleeps very late everyday, which affects the way he functions. I used to nag him about this as well, but not anymore. I just leave him to it as well. He is always tired.

He's got a cold for weeks now, spends his days feeling crap. He says his immune system is weak. Of course it is. (he wants me to pity him and take care of him, and make teas and so on, but I'm not doing this, not this time)

But the point is. I decided to let his eating and sleeping habits to him, as well as his health. I've always taken care of him, but he refuses to be taken care of and says I'm bossing him around, and simply doesn't do what I say. Fair enough, I should have realised he's an adult years ago, but better late than never.

Since we started living together, over 6 years ago, it has always been agreed that we always have a shower before going to bed. He used to have his shower at 4 in the morning (just to prove that he does it when he wants, and not when he's told).

But now, since I don't nag him because of sleep/food, he has decided to skip the shower altogether. It seems he wants a reason for a fight! I pretended I didn't notice once, then twice. Yesterday he lied he had showered (he knows these little lies are reason for big, huge fights, as I take them very seriously - so it's two reasons for a fight).

It seems I have a 37yo teenager at home, who wants to prove I don't tell him what to do and/or wants to pick up fights so he can see he's loved! Really? We have a 1yo DS and I'll have to deal with a teenager when the time comes. I don't want this right now.

(BTW, I've told him several times, if he doesn't like any of the "house rules," we can discuss it and change the rule - instead of him simply ignoring it, which is stressful to me and not a good example to DS, who will soon start to understand these things).

I'm not sure how to deal with that. We sleep in the same bed (DS as well) and I'm not putting up with him sleeping there without showering (even if I did, I'm sure he would pick some other thing after that, just to piss me off).

I shouldn't be worrying about this when there's work to do, a child to take care of, housework to be done, etc etc.

What does DH want from me? He never says things clearly so I'm left to trying to guess what he wants and how he feels.

asleep = sleepy

Lacelottie, maybe someday I'll try and see if baby learns it.

Moondog, let's not even go there, IYSWIM...

To whoever mentioned contempt, I have no idea how he would talk about me. Sometimes I think in that an equally contemptuous way...

I have rules for myself, so I don't think they are for children. I can't function without them. But of course, people are different.

"it's bloody obvious he's depressed" Really? Well, not for him. I tried to say it to him, but he either disagrees or is too proud to get help.

The "poor bloke" is not easy to live with either.

OK, you had a particular relationship dynamic up till recently.

It seems weird to others but it worked for you.

You then decided to change it without apparently involving your DH much other than trying to get him to agree to 'rule change'.
You also had a baby and understandably turned your controlling ways attention to your baby.

Your DH doesn't know or understand what's changed.You both need counselling.

Hope you work it out

moondog, that exactly that about the rules. I like to have a few rules, I just would like him to discuss them with me and, once agreed, he would follow them. I wanted him to shower when he got home, but settled in "showering before bed." And then years after he decides to ignore that.

Well I'm afraid he's an adult, and he has decided that he doesn't want to shower before bed after all....what you gonna do?

pictish, he never told me so. yesterday he lied he had showered.

Look he is rebelling against your rules for a reason, you need to find out what that reason is, it might have worked before but now it doesn't. So you have to reassess the rules.

He lied about the shower because he wanted you to shut up, you aren't his mother he wants to shower when he wants to shower not when you tell him too.

Why should he have to shower because you want him to? he's not a kid. You don't get to decide when another adult should clean themselves. No way. Let him decide when he wants to wash.

You know it's usually the depressed person themselves who is the last to recognise what is going on.

Rules, rules, rules. Honestly I don't think they are needed in a normal, healthy and loving relationship.

You sound like you are making each other miserable. You need to reconnect and remember what it was that made you fall in love in the first place.

Counselling? Somehow I think that may not work if you have to be in control 100% of the time. Would you really listen to the counsellor and listen to your partner?

Personally I think the marriage is over, he has had enough.

I'm just speechless.

You sound very much like my father's partner.

Control freak central.

My father sadly has got used to the nagging and her 'rules'.

He thinks that not he is forbidden going in the fridge after 9pm even if he is hungry, is a normal 'rule'.

Hoover, that's I'm trying to do. And I'm trying to listen to the counsellor and DH, honest.

And to the others who are having fun stoning me, go on. Of course I know I'm a control freak, and I'm difficult to live with. Tell me something new. The bitchy comments are not helpful at all, but since I can't control them (hahaha) feel free to try to slash me. I'm trying to get better, that's what I know.

(btw, I'm rofl'ing at the "no fridge after 9pm" rule. Think I'll try to establish it here at home. No, wait... I have to learn to control less, not more, that's the whole point of the thread. Humpf. Shame, that's a pretty good rule...)

Ithink, the fact that I decided to stop nagging him about lots of things shows that I'm finally treating him like an adult, or at least trying. I'm letting go of most of the rules, and trying to be less controlling. It's not something you can do overnight, though.

I'm struggling with my new roles, and probably he is as well. Some days are just crap, and today was one of these. These days I feel really depressed. Usually it gets a bit better later. But I'm frustrated with a lot of things.

Anyway, I'm just rambling. Better go rest a bit, before DS wakes to feed or anything like that.

is this DH the guy who had some dirt that looked like shit in the sink not long ago?

(sorry if it has already been asked, i read page 1 and 4 only)

boxinghelena, no! :) DH never did that, not that I'm aware. That was someone else's husband

OP, haven't read all the comments so someone might have suggested this, but have you read 'Games People Play' by Eric Berne? Because it sounds like some understanding of transactional analysis might be helpful to you.

It sounds very much like you're playing out the parent/child relationship, and now that you are trying to shift that dynamic (by attempting to control him less - has this coincided with the birth of your actual child?), he is increasingly trying to provoke the same 'transactions' with you (eg being told off). Often we fall into these patterns subconsciously.

Anyway the book's worth a read.

Quodlibet - I think you've hit the nail on the head.

It's like setting up new rules with a toddler/child.
In the beginning they keep pushing to see if the new regime is actually for keeps.
OP - it sounds as though your dh is doing something pretty similar - you say you've relaxed on many issues and he's 'pushing the boundries' just to see whether you really mean it.

"I'm letting go of most of the rules, and trying to be less controlling. It's not something you can do overnight, though. "

Absolutely. But by the same token it's unreasonable to expect your DH will instantly gain the ability to 100% reliably work out which of the rules have now been let go of and which ones haven't.

You changing how you approach your relationship is going to be a process that will take time. In doing so it will make big changes to the dynamic between you. It will also take time for your DH to recognise and adapt to this new dynamic.

You are expecting him to give you time to let go of the rules and to rein back the control. You are expecting him to realise that it's not easy for you and that you won't always do it right. Does he not also deserve the same concessions and understanding?

This is like unreasonable by stealth in the opposite direction - everything you reveal makes you sound even more unreasonable and demanding. Your first few posts made it sound like he never showered!

I just don't get the impression from what you've said that you love him, respect him and care for him at all.

Mmebovary, how do you think your husband would respond if you asked if you could discuss the communication issues in your relationship, rather than discussing 'the rules'? It seems as though the fuss with rules is obscuring deeper issues that you both need to address.

I kind of disagree with some other posters in that I do think that lying to your spouse is a big deal. Regardless of how many showers a day we all think everyone needs, the bigger deal here is lack of honesty and transparency. And , though I can see why posters have said you're coming across as controlling, it sounds as though both you and your DH are exhausted, possibly a bit resentful, and you're both setting up a confrontation / blame dynamic when really you need to be working together to find solutions.

You've said that you don't want to discuss the issue of DS sleeping in your bed, and that your DH says he's fine with it, but his actions- leaving you to do deal with all night wakings, staying on the sofa until 4am- make me wonder whether he could be harbouring a bit of resentment about either the impact on sleep, or possibly the degree of intimacy you are able to share. Could the lack of showering be a clumsy way of making a point about this?

Because I can be a bit obsessive about getting things done myself, I can see why it can be annoying to feel as though you have to manage everything and there is simply not enough time in the day, let alone have to deal with carrying somebody else. But the solution is to talk with your DH , find out his ideas to help run the family and household effectively and work as a team. He has to have the chance to take some responsibility. And you're right to let him take responsibility for his own health. But you need to talk, and you both need to accept that you might not like what the other has to say but you have to find a way forward.

MmeBovary, the more you say the more I really feel for you, actually. And of course you don't want to lovebomb, I said that you probably wouldn't in the above post. God, I wouldn't want to lovebomb a sulky husband who never does any night wakeups, needs at least three hours a day to 'relax' and insists on his own house rules being followed but not yours. You're going to counselling, he's not bothering, etc. I was only saying that it's difficult because the solution for a toddler is not the same as for a grown man. Quodibet said the same as me, far more succinctly.

I think a lot of people are missing that the 'rules' are just a few things that the two of you decided, at the start of cohabiting, were non-negotiable. Some were your idea, some were his. And you both agreed that they were always up for re-negotiation later. My husband and I didn't have that conversation when we moved in together, but I can think of a lot of couples for whom that would be a brilliant idea.

You didn't answer something I asked above - all the behaviours that are causing this issue are, ostensibly, self-directed behaviours. How does he behave towards you? Does he show you affection, compliment you, appreciate you? If you set aside the issues with his own health, and the house rules (I know that reflects on how he relates to you, but let's ignore it for a second), is he a good husband?

I reckon there would be lots of MN's who have rules in their house.

Going by the, which is the correct way to hang toilet paper and do you empty the iron type threads.

So I though I think you do sound a bit controlling I think there are a lot of households with similar issues.