It seems DH is doing things on purpose so I'll nag him, and then we'll have a big row

[mmebovarycestmoi]

DH is overweight (technically obese now), doesn't exercise at all, eats whatever he fancies. I did what I could to help him eat healthly/exercise/take care of himself, took him to GP (who said he had high cholesterol and should go back in 6 months - 3 years ago), stressed myself a lot.

So, after years of that, I decided (over a month ago) to let him to it. He's an adult, after all (he pays the gym every month and never puts his feet there, and we are not that comfortable financially at the moment). It feels good not to have to worry about this, to tell the truth.

He sleeps very late everyday, which affects the way he functions. I used to nag him about this as well, but not anymore. I just leave him to it as well. He is always tired.

He's got a cold for weeks now, spends his days feeling crap. He says his immune system is weak. Of course it is. (he wants me to pity him and take care of him, and make teas and so on, but I'm not doing this, not this time)

But the point is. I decided to let his eating and sleeping habits to him, as well as his health. I've always taken care of him, but he refuses to be taken care of and says I'm bossing him around, and simply doesn't do what I say. Fair enough, I should have realised he's an adult years ago, but better late than never.

Since we started living together, over 6 years ago, it has always been agreed that we always have a shower before going to bed. He used to have his shower at 4 in the morning (just to prove that he does it when he wants, and not when he's told).

But now, since I don't nag him because of sleep/food, he has decided to skip the shower altogether. It seems he wants a reason for a fight! I pretended I didn't notice once, then twice. Yesterday he lied he had showered (he knows these little lies are reason for big, huge fights, as I take them very seriously - so it's two reasons for a fight).

It seems I have a 37yo teenager at home, who wants to prove I don't tell him what to do and/or wants to pick up fights so he can see he's loved! Really? We have a 1yo DS and I'll have to deal with a teenager when the time comes. I don't want this right now.

(BTW, I've told him several times, if he doesn't like any of the "house rules," we can discuss it and change the rule - instead of him simply ignoring it, which is stressful to me and not a good example to DS, who will soon start to understand these things).

I'm not sure how to deal with that. We sleep in the same bed (DS as well) and I'm not putting up with him sleeping there without showering (even if I did, I'm sure he would pick some other thing after that, just to piss me off).

I shouldn't be worrying about this when there's work to do, a child to take care of, housework to be done, etc etc.

What does DH want from me? He never says things clearly so I'm left to trying to guess what he wants and how he feels.

He sounds in a bad way....but i dont think making an adult shower everynight is reasonable unless they stink.

Maybe he's actually not trying to provoke you to nag - maybe he genuinely can't be arsed to have a shower and so time drags on until 4am.

It seems that you want him to change and you always have. He is rebelling and fed up. He sounds very depressed. Are any of you sleeping well if your DS is in your bed and waking several times a night. Sleep deprivation over long periods makes me go loopy and I can't put things in perspective.

It doesn't sound like this relationship is going to work in the long term. I would find a job pronto to put youself in a financially secure position.

I don't nag my DH, I have learnt in past relationships nagging is a sure sign that something is majorly wrong for me. DH has a tendency to nag me and it does make me feel resentful and childlike. Just hold your tongue, nagging doesn't work, do it yourself if you want it done your way and when you want it.

I would go out in the evenings to yoga/gym/keep fit class. Cancel your DH's gym membership, he won't notice and spend the money on yourself.

OP, it sounds like a difficult situation for you both and you are both pretty unhappy. You have become his mother which is very wrong and he allowed you to which is also very wrong.

I think the whole showering business is worrying tbh. Although all I have is this glimpse here you sound like you have some quite major 'issues' that counselling could help you work through.
It's not normal to insist someone showers before bed not is it normal to insist that you can't sit on the bed with work clothes.
I think you have control issues which are affecting your relationship with you dp.

I meant use the counselling you already have to explore your need for cleanliness and control.

ladyword, yes, he can't be arsed and ends up sleeping in the sofa, until he wakes up and goes to bed. But well, there are lots of things I wish I couldn't be arsed, but I do these things anyway.

Fiddledee, that's one of the reasons of the counselling - to try to make things work better - otherwise it will be hard to stay together in the long term (although he thinks there's absolutely no reason to think about separation at all, and I'm making a big deal of that).

I'm trying really hard not to nag.

I can't go to yoga/gym in the evening because DS is a bad sleeper and doesn't settle with DH for nothing. I haven't been out at night for a year (But please, we don't need to discuss that now. It's been discussed before)

That's the thing, though. This isn't about him refusing to take showers, it's about the bigger picture and I don't think you'll solve one bit without addressing it as a whole. Without more information, we're all just stabbing around in the dark trying to help you.

I think you need professional support on this, which hopefully, you are getting. Cognitive behavioural therapy may be useful.

Why do you assume that his motivation for not showering in the evening is solely to piss you off? Do you always assume that he does or does not do things in a deliberate attempt to make a point with you, or is it possible he does and does not do things for his own reasons that have nothing to do with you?

snorbs, because he only stopped showering once I stopped nagging about other things!

I don't think he's doing it to wind you up or rebelling. I suspect he's thought thank goodness she's stopped nagging, now I can do things my way for a bit.
you sound very difficult to live with

MMebovary, you have no right to impose these "rules" on another adult. The whole tone of your OP suggests a very weird dynamic - he "doesn't do what you say" etc. Very odd. I reckon your DH is ground down and that you need to give him a break and turn the focus to your own behaviour, rather than his.

If you were on MN complaining that your DH was requiring you to shower twice a day, change outside clothes before sitting on the bed etc.

Clearly you have serious issues about cleanliness, but you are taking these out on your DH. That is not his fault. I'd suggest that

(a) you quit couples counselling and take up individual counselling which will address these problems - you might find your problems with DH falling away as you attach less importance to cleanliness etc;

(b) you recognise that these are your problems and ensure that you are the only one who has the fallout - ie if your DH hasn't showered before bed, you sleep somewhere else without nagging him etc. If he breaches one of your "rules", you put it right; and

(c) agree that there are no rules. Most of us survive without them.

I think you need to take a massive step back and let your dh do his own thing. You seriously need to relax here, I think someone mentioned earlier OCD, you say therapy? What kind are you receiving?

maybe he has just stopped showering because he doesn't want to shower at night.. it may be nothing to do with your reaction.
Or it may be because he has noticed you have stopped nagging about other things and now feels he has the freedom to make his own choice about showering.
Giving him a hug whenever he comes to bed even if he hasn't showered will probably do more to encourage him to come to bed earlier than anything else.

Yes, he's not happy, I'm not happy. I try to do something to change this is he starts to do something that he knows pisses me off. And right now I'm in a foul mood, after wasting several hours trying to put DS to nap, with no success, messing up big time a work deadline in the process.

seems like you are always trying to do things to change things. That would massively piss me off.
From what you describe of your dp he doesn't like you very much.

Sounds to me like he has decided you are too controlling, and has decided to say well fuck it sod ya. Which in turn makes you pissed.

Maybe it is time to sit down and rework your rules, I must admit they do sound pretty lame.

How can it take you hours to put DS who is one for a nap? Sorry the sleep thing you need help with. You "settle" a 3 week old baby not a 1 year old. Have set nap time, set bed times - put child in cot, give a cuddle, close door, child goes to sleep. You go and do an evening class or get on with some work. You are controlling of your DH but cannot put down even simple rules for a one year old that is mucking up alot of other aspects of your life.

All the things you are mentioning are symptoms of depression.

Not about trying to piss you off.

fabby, I offered to "discuss the rules". DH can't be bothered. He prefers to ignore what I say.

Fiddledee, yes, of course. You cuddle, leave the baby. Baby stands, jumps in the cot up and down. Baby can't keep his balance when is asleep. Baby hurts himself bumping his head badly. Been there, done that. Any other suggestion?

...baby (unless unusually dim) eventually works out that hitting your head hurts?

and chooses not to jump?

Just hoping.

Sorry but hooted at 'are you farm workers'?
The 2 shower thing a bit weird but no matter.

The weight thing would bother me enormously.
Does he eat loads in addition to regular meals.
Do you have sex?
The thought of sex with a fat bloke really wouldn't do it for me, however much I loved them.

Why on earth would you have a rule between adults in a house anyway.? Rules are for children not a husband and wife.
OP seems to me you are struggling to get your dp to do what you want him to do and you are struggling to get your ds to do what you want him to do.
One of them is a child and one isn't, however you treat them both them same. You might not boss you dp around any more but the attitude you have in your head is not that he is not your equal. You sound utterly contemptuous of him and no doubt it spills out.
I'm starting to feel very sorry for the bloke. He's depressed that much is bloody obvious and I can't say I'm surprised. If I had to live with someone who wouldn't allow me into my own bed unless I showered every night it would be hideous. God knows why he puts up with it. What does the bloke do roll around in mud all day?

I don't see the issue with rules as long as decided together
We've got lots of things we don't do- no shoes in the house, eating anywhere but the table, that sort of thing.