It seems DH is doing things on purpose so I'll nag him, and then we'll have a big row

[mmebovarycestmoi]

DH is overweight (technically obese now), doesn't exercise at all, eats whatever he fancies. I did what I could to help him eat healthly/exercise/take care of himself, took him to GP (who said he had high cholesterol and should go back in 6 months - 3 years ago), stressed myself a lot.

So, after years of that, I decided (over a month ago) to let him to it. He's an adult, after all (he pays the gym every month and never puts his feet there, and we are not that comfortable financially at the moment). It feels good not to have to worry about this, to tell the truth.

He sleeps very late everyday, which affects the way he functions. I used to nag him about this as well, but not anymore. I just leave him to it as well. He is always tired.

He's got a cold for weeks now, spends his days feeling crap. He says his immune system is weak. Of course it is. (he wants me to pity him and take care of him, and make teas and so on, but I'm not doing this, not this time)

But the point is. I decided to let his eating and sleeping habits to him, as well as his health. I've always taken care of him, but he refuses to be taken care of and says I'm bossing him around, and simply doesn't do what I say. Fair enough, I should have realised he's an adult years ago, but better late than never.

Since we started living together, over 6 years ago, it has always been agreed that we always have a shower before going to bed. He used to have his shower at 4 in the morning (just to prove that he does it when he wants, and not when he's told).

But now, since I don't nag him because of sleep/food, he has decided to skip the shower altogether. It seems he wants a reason for a fight! I pretended I didn't notice once, then twice. Yesterday he lied he had showered (he knows these little lies are reason for big, huge fights, as I take them very seriously - so it's two reasons for a fight).

It seems I have a 37yo teenager at home, who wants to prove I don't tell him what to do and/or wants to pick up fights so he can see he's loved! Really? We have a 1yo DS and I'll have to deal with a teenager when the time comes. I don't want this right now.

(BTW, I've told him several times, if he doesn't like any of the "house rules," we can discuss it and change the rule - instead of him simply ignoring it, which is stressful to me and not a good example to DS, who will soon start to understand these things).

I'm not sure how to deal with that. We sleep in the same bed (DS as well) and I'm not putting up with him sleeping there without showering (even if I did, I'm sure he would pick some other thing after that, just to piss me off).

I shouldn't be worrying about this when there's work to do, a child to take care of, housework to be done, etc etc.

What does DH want from me? He never says things clearly so I'm left to trying to guess what he wants and how he feels.

This is a really sad thread. It seems to me that you two people just exist in the same house, you are both unhappy (you by your own admission, he appears to be by his actions) but both seem unable to see things clearly.

My mother micromanages my Dad and has done for as long as I can remember. Their relationship has always seemed to me to be about 'surviving the trials of life' rather than enjoying it, having fun, developing and changing, being spontaneous. She nags him about everything, and everything has to be done her way because that is the only way. He puts up with it for a quiet life, and when he does on occasion rebel, she says that it is evidence of him being difficult, she doesn't understand how utterly wearing it is to live like this.

Maybe you are not like this, maybe he is as controlling as you. Of course, on here we are only shown a snapshot of your life. Either way, you have to consider what is a healthy example of a relationship and living, to show to your child.

Quodlibet, thanks for the suggestion, I've never heard of TA and think it's definitely worth a look. And your analysis makes a lot of sense, however, I don't know what to do next.

Newname, yes, I agree.

Snorbs, it's hard to be understanding when you are resentful. But I think things have improved in the last few weeks.

Linda, I don't get the point of your comment (try to hurt me? Didn't work, sorry) but yes, he can't do anything right. I can't either. I'm very demanding with myself as well and I frustrate myself. That's why I'm in therapy! Not because I'm a perfect person!

Inertia, I've tried to talk to him, but he doesn't like to talk too much. If we discuss some specific behaviour that's fine, and sometimes we get somewhere. But trying to discuss big things like "how to deal with the relationship" or "what are your ideas about parenthood" are usually a waste of time.

If he's not happy about DS in the bed (I don't he is unhappy about that, btw), he can talk to me about that. He doesn't speak clearly about the things that bother him.

Tortoise, I think he is a good husband. I know I could compliment him and so on. I'm trying really hard. But the thing is that he appreciates me by, for example, buying me a massage, when what I really wanted was for him to take DS to the park for a couple of hours in the weekend, for example. He doesn't pull his weight with the childcare (he feels uncomfortable, and then I just step in). But his negative behaviours are all directed towards himself (which end up reflecting in me, as he's health is not that good, he's unattractive, he is tired all the time...)

Didyouever, thanks, that's what I meant :)

Thinktoomuch, you see? House rules don't mean you live in an institution. It's just something lots of houses have. They may be unreasonable or perfectly fine :)

Scareofcows, that's a bit the same model I have from my parents. That's why I'm trying to stop micromanaging DH - because I've seen where it leads 30 years down the road. And you may be pitying your dad, but believe me, it's exhausting for both! My mum doesn't like the situation she put herself in. My dad doesn't take responsibility for his things, because she's there to manage everything.

Of course it's not healthy for DS (or for us!), but the point is that I don't know any other model. And at the same time, I don't what exactly DH wants and thinks about daily life, so it's hard to see where we agree and where we don't. And of course, there's no point asking, as he never answers (because maybe he doesn't know). He, otoh, has only his parents model to copy.

Forgot to mention, although it's a bit obvious. DH has been having problems with self esteem for a while. It affects his work. He buys books about this, but doesn't read them. I have no idea how to help him. I'm not even sure if I can. (see? here I am, trying to control this...)

A couple of things - you say that your DH doesn't do his share of childcare. Could that be because he feels he won't be able to do this to your standards, so is wary/scared/unwilling to try?

WRT my parents - they've been married for 45 years (I'm in my forties) so I can also see where it leads to in the long term, which is why I couldn't live like that myself. My mother was just as controlling to me when I was groing up - only part of the reason why we have such a crap relationship now. I take on board your comment that it is exhausting for both parties (probably why my mother finds no 'joy' in her life?), but really, apart from leaving, what else can these men do? Being told they can't do anything right becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in time.

I suppose the thing I am trying to say is, you have seen that model, you have seen it isn't good and doesn't lead to happiness and equality. Don't worry about the little, unimportant things. So, he comes to bed without a shower - so what? Couldn't you just give him a cuddle instead of giving him disapproval? Make him want to share your bed, not put it off until 4 in the morning.

I agree this is a sad thread. It's interesting that you say he's started to do lots of things that he knows will annoy you since you backed off with the 'nagging' (god, I hate that word. So fricking sexist as it only ever gets used re: women). It sounds like over time he has unconsciously come to equate your 'nagging' and micromanaging behaviour with an expression of your love for him. Now that you've withdrawn it he's attempting to provoke a reaction so that he can get your attention (love) again.

Is there a way you can let him feel loved without the controlling behaviour? Your response to an earlier question about sex was rather negative, but kisses, cuddles and kindness could really help. You may have to force yourself at first (I did, I can tell you all about the coldness/distance that DH & I experienced after DD was born) but it will feel more natural with time. Couldn't hurt to try?

How does he feel about co-sleeping, by the way? Have you discussed it properly with him? Doesn't need to be a serious talk, just a question in passing while you're doing something else. He might feel more comfortable with that and open up a little more.

Scaredofcows, it is probably one of the reasons he refrains from doing childcare. So, it's partly my fault, but I can't help thinking that if he really wanted to spend time with DS he would find a way / be more assertive. He finds ways to do the things that are really important to him.

("forget about about unimportant things" - I'll repeat it to myself)

pinhead, the "feel loved" thing has been discussed several times. He has said he does feel loved when I "take care" of him. But then he has also said that sometimes I'm so controlling he does the opposite just to piss me off.

I feel relieved you understand the distance thing. I feel we've been growing apart.. I'll try to be more affectionate.

Co-sleeping: we've talked about that. He understands it's not the perfect solution, but it's the only way I can get some sleep. We gave up trying to put DS in his own room (would make my nights miserable!) and since we decided to keep his cot by our bed we have slept better, since DS spends at least part of the night in there. DS's sleep is slowly getting better, I'm optimistic.

When I first stared reading this I felt differently to the way I do now. OP you seem like you are very self aware and sensible and very open to listening and wanting to change things.
I really hope with the continued counselling that things will improve for you

Bigbuttons, thanks for the comment, I'm self aware, but it doesn't make be a better person. I think the same can be said of DH! :)

Things have been better the last couple of days, that's all I know. How long it's going to last? No fecking clue.

The comments here have definitely been helpful (even some of the bitchy ones).

being self aware doesn't make you a better person, whatever that actually means BUT without self awareness you could never hope to change.
Being self aware makes change possible.