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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So my DH kind of prefers men, ...

118 replies

NotADudeExactly · 16/05/2011 20:51

New name - for obvious reasons, though I mostly just lurk on here.

The title says it all, really. Said to me during a heart-to-heart yesterday. He assures me he loves me, feels attracted to me, that there is nobody else. I don't blame him, it's alright, really. And, as cliche as it sounds: some of my best friends are in same sex relationships. It doesn't bother me in the least - though it admittedly bugs me majorly to even think of it in the case of DH.

I'm just kind of in shock, I suppose, and feeling like curling up in a ball and crying. We've been together going on nine years and were planning to have a baby next year. He seems to think that's all still on. On the one hand, I hope so too - on the other I am just finding it hard getting over this right now.

Not sure what I am looking for, really. I just really needed to share this with someone and I have promised DH I would not utter a word to anyone in RL.

:(

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 16/05/2011 20:54

Do you mean he is bi but happy to be monogamous with you, or that he wants to sleep with men too?

FabbyChic · 16/05/2011 20:55

If he is attracted to you then he does not clearly prefer men. He would have a hard time performing with you if he wasn't turned on.

Is this something he has just begun to think about? A side of him he wants to explore? Why has he told you? Does he want permission to see if he would prefer a same sex relationship?

Im not sure how you deal with this to be honest, but you certainly need to talk about things, because nobody wants to be the person someone settled for.

AnyFucker · 16/05/2011 20:55

how does he think this is going to pan out ?

does he want you to allow him to have relationships with men as well as you ?

why has he told you now ?

what are you going to do, love ?

I'm so sorry...what a godawful shock

MsToni · 16/05/2011 20:55

I dont know what to say. Just wanted to send hugs and say take care of yourself. You are in shock, and sound so forlorn. I'm sorry you are going through this. Just take your time, talk with him and make a decision which you are comfortable with, in your own time. Good luck.....

ManicAnnie · 16/05/2011 20:58

What a huge bombshell.

How long has he known? What has prevented him from telling you earlier? What does he want in the future?

I hope you are OK. I feel very sad for you.

JamieAgain · 16/05/2011 20:59

Of course it bugs you. It's a different matter saying you are OK with homosexuality in the abstract, and in the case of friends, but this is your husband. What led to him telling you? Have their been problems in the relationship, or with his mood? On the one hand, it's good he can confide in you, but on the other, I think there's a lot more talking and decision-making for him to do before he can say that nothing's changed.

I hope more experienced people come along - sure they will- didn't want to leave this un-answered

JamieAgain · 16/05/2011 20:59

there not their

JamieAgain · 16/05/2011 21:02

Realised above I mentioned homosexuality,. Of course that's not necessarily what we are talking about here. Sorry I jumped the gun a bit

whomovedmychocolate · 16/05/2011 21:02

If he said to you: Actually I love you and I intend to stay with you forever but I really fancy Fiona and Claire. You'd be equally miffed. Is he asking permission to be unfaithful? If so you have to make a choice and if you say 'absolutely not' he may well leave eventually or be very unhappy because it's who he is.

I'm sorry you are going through this. :(

Definitely rethink the baby, elastoplast babies rarely staunch marital wounds.

Original poster
NotADudeExactly · 16/05/2011 21:12

Thanks for the replies. I know this is going to sound seriouslt tacky (not me at all ususally) but it's just so good to be able to tell someone!

I'm honestly not sure how exactly he expects things to pan out. I suppose he has sort of known for a time. It's complicated in that DH's family is VERY conservative (and religious) - sort of the polar opposite of me. I'm not really clear on how familiar he even is with the entire concept of straight/gay/bi/etc. I don't think this ever came up at home. MIL thinks we're thoroughly weird for being married all this time and not having a zillion kids by now. (DH is one of seven.)

He says that he loves and adores me, that I am the only one for him and, no, I don't think he wants me to allow him to have relationships with men as well. He did tell me that he's had an experience with a man in his youth. Just before he dropped the bombshell.

TBH I'm not entirely sure about what he thinks/feels, as I was frankly a bit too shell shocked to really ask any rational questions when he told me. I do believe him when he says he loves me. It just feels so, ... weird all of a sudden.

I'm normally a very cool, analytical type of person but this doesn't really appear to work as an approach right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotADudeExactly · 16/05/2011 21:14

Sorry for the typos!

OP posts:
JamieAgain · 16/05/2011 21:43

What led to you having this heart-to heart?

whomovedmychocolate · 16/05/2011 21:47

Having had a gay experience when a teen does not make someone gay. Lots of teens try things out.

You are appalled and probably a bit nauseated because it threatens your relationship - that's an entirely normal reaction. But if he does not want to act on this, just wants to tell you, then I don't think you have to be overly worried. Lots of men are attracted to men, lots of them don't do anything about it, or use gay porn to masturbate to, privately. It's a spectrum, IMHO.

Give it a bit of time and then talk about it.

AnyFucker · 16/05/2011 21:59

of course it feels weird

I don't really understand what he wants you to do though

if my DH told me this, I would expect him to say he was leaving me to have relationships wih men

he "prefers" men ?

so you are second choice then, and he is settling for you so he can hold onto to his social status as a hetero man ?

well, I would not settle for it, that is for sure

in your situation, I would be making plans to part amicably so that I could find someone for whom I was number one

Original poster
NotADudeExactly · 16/05/2011 22:00

whomovedmychocolate: You're of course completely right. I have kissed a woman before (and in front of my boss, too. I was young and REALLY drunk).

The bit that really gets to me is him saying he prefers men. Ugh!

I guess what I actually feel really threatened in right now is my femininity/identity. It just feels wrong! It's not rational, I know, but a part of me just wonders that, if the man who says he adores me prefers other men, what kind of a woman does that make me?! And, yes, I know that's bullshit, objectively speaking.

I'm also really wondering what this means for my relationship. If this is what I want.

We need to talk, so far so clear. Unfortunately, this is not something DH is very good at.

Jamie: Ironically, we were talking about how I had slept with more people than DH before our relationship when this came up. You'd think that he'd be the one ending up feeling hurt at the end of this. Confused

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/05/2011 22:02

but he prefers men...

to me, that is like saying I prefer Sandra the secretary from work and I would rather be shagging her

my response:off you fuck then

AnyFucker · 16/05/2011 22:03

fuck...there was not meant to be a smiley there

my sincerest apologies

tadpoles · 16/05/2011 22:04

OK quite a big deal I think....I would be very careful about bringing children into the relationship unless you are completely comfortable with being in a realtionship with a man who is bi/homosexual.

AnyFucker · 16/05/2011 22:04

my response : off you fuck then

that is what I meant to type, sorry

AnyFucker · 16/05/2011 22:06

he doesn't like to talk ?

you must force him to talk, if he thinks there is any chance at all of forging a different kind of relationship with you

he forfeited the right to silence by dropping this bombshell, I am afraid

whomovedmychocolate · 16/05/2011 22:09

I like anyfuckers: Grinff you fuck Grin

Is this like a preference as in 'if I was a single man and starting again I would probably go for one with a dong rather than a double D set'? Or 'I would prefer to be with men, but I'll settle for you'

If it's the latter, I'd kick him out. Sorry but I would. You don't need to settle for being considered second best.

whomovedmychocolate · 16/05/2011 22:12

and what would you prefer OP. Would you prefer him to go if he's not able to commit fully to you, or would you prefer to have a lavender marriage where it's just not there sexually but everything else is pretty much okay. Either choice is fine if you are fine with it. Lots of people are married to spouses whose interests lie elsewhere and they just get on with it. But for many, it's totally untenable.

If he's had a strict upbringing, he may just need to get it off his chest with someone he trusts (you) and then that'll be the end of it.

AnyFucker · 16/05/2011 22:12

I would bet my house there is more to this than he is telling you

Original poster
NotADudeExactly · 16/05/2011 22:14

AnyFucker: Cross post, but your post just above my last really gets to what I am worried about.

For the record: if DH is bisexual but happy to live in a monogamous relationship with me I don't think it's that big a deal. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

In fact I told DH that if he'd prefer to separate amicably I'd be fine with that, that I'd even be happy to visit his parents with him every year as we've been doing and not say a word (ILs are lovely but a bit speshul, I'm afraid). He says he doesn't want that.

I guess the bit that really has me so confused is that I genuinely believe that he loves me. He is attentive and caring and, despite all his faults and all the issues we occasionally have, not only my lover but also my very best friend.

I've never really thought that we have issues in the sex department either. Sorry if this is TMI, but we do have sex on an almost daily basis, even after all this time. He always tells me how sexy I look, what a nice figure I have, etc.

Bottom line: If it weren't for the fact that he said what he said I'd actually consider this a really good relationship. Hence the reason why I feel I'm having a massive cognitive dissonance moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotADudeExactly · 16/05/2011 22:18

As for what I want: I'm still trying to figure that one out. Which is why I'm so grateful I can at least post this here and hear other people's thoughts.

OP posts: