So my DH kind of prefers men, ...

[NotADudeExactly]

New name - for obvious reasons, though I mostly just lurk on here.

The title says it all, really. Said to me during a heart-to-heart yesterday. He assures me he loves me, feels attracted to me, that there is nobody else. I don't blame him, it's alright, really. And, as cliche as it sounds: some of my best friends are in same sex relationships. It doesn't bother me in the least - though it admittedly bugs me majorly to even think of it in the case of DH.

I'm just kind of in shock, I suppose, and feeling like curling up in a ball and crying. We've been together going on nine years and were planning to have a baby next year. He seems to think that's all still on. On the one hand, I hope so too - on the other I am just finding it hard getting over this right now.

Not sure what I am looking for, really. I just really needed to share this with someone and I have promised DH I would not utter a word to anyone in RL.

:(

Just to say good luck OP. Sorry youve had this bombshell and glad you are considering counselling.

I just wanted to say that he may not either have been aware of what he felt - or else been able to be honest with himself.

1. You arent truly aware of everything in yourself. There is a useful model called Joharis window which gives a diagram of that such as here en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johari_window. THere is a lot in your unconscious which you may not know or come to know over time

2. He may not have been able to be honest with himself in the past-therefore he couldnt be honest with you.

It is a very good sign (and very rare) that he could tell you. Hope you can find a happy outcome after this tough time.

good luck OP:-)

on the 70/30 thing - depends what he means really - I've always seen sexuality on a continuum, with very few people at the 100% end. When talking to my DCs about it I've always said I'm 80/20 straight/gay - by which I mean I am attracted to far more men than I am women, I've never had a sexual relationship with a woman but I recognise that I find a few women attractive and it might be possible for me to have a relationship with them. But by that I don't mean that when I was in my marriage 20% of me was not 'involved":)

I have a male friend who has a male partner - they've been together over 15 yrs, he says he's not 'gay' he just happens to have fallen in love with a man.

Maybe your DH is just coming to terms with the fact that he is attracted to men, but the reality is he fell in love with you. He could be gay and he may need to have a relationship with a man - but it's not inevitable IMO.

I may be able to add something to this question. I'm very happily and lovingly married to a wonderful dh, and have been for 25 years. But on any scale of attraction to males v females I come out as almost totally lesbian. My dh knows this, and yes there's a tiny part of him (he says) that worried initially that I might make off with a woman....but it's no different to me worrying that he might make off with one either .

Neither of us would, it seems. We love each other and are committed to one another, and still share that love and respect every day. Talking to each other and knowing each aspect of each other has helped us trust one another more, not less, we found.

An admission of being a part of the LGBT community in some form - whether from past life or from natural preference - doesn't mean that we are definitely going to cheat or leave. Or that our love for our other-gender partner isn't real, or is second best. It's different, but different doesn't have to mean worse.

It can just be sharing of something with a partner we trust. After all, otherwise in theory he could have been worried that I'd make off with a man, since I have close male friends. They're safe with me

That's only our own situation, not something that could apply to everyone, but it can and does work for some couples and works very well.

Thanks for all your responses - some of them are a true inspiration!

Saffy:
I'm really sorry to read about what happened to you. The lying, deceit and your X's way of dealing with your pregnancy would be deal breakers for anyone, I guess. They certainly would be for me. I hope you're doing okay now - sounds as though you definitely deserve some happiness.

want2sleep:
That's interesting about the guy you mentioned - I suppose this may really depend on what your approach to loss of a partner is. As mentioned somewhere on this thread, I used to date a guy who was bi (which I knew from the get go) and who ended up cheating with several other women. Personally, I always felt that this was worse, exactly because there was someone of the same sex "in competition" with me. My take on this at the time was that, if it were men, at least I would have known exactly what they had that I did not.

Springchicken:
And I would add, as someone else did, that there are basically no guarantees that anyone's partner will not fall in love with someone else and leave. That's true of straight, gay and bi people in monogamous relationships.

I think this is a really sensible, great way to look at this. Planning to adopt it ASAP. Thanks!

Loiner/Amber:
Thanks for your input - being able to form some sort of an impression of what something like this might feel like from another perspective has really been food for thought. Yes, I'm still a bit shaken and a bit insecure. Knowing that I have a partner who loves and adores me and who makes it very clear every day of my life that he finds me incredibly sexy really, really helps. And so does reading that sexual orientation may not be the only factor in determining whether or not one develops these feelings for another person.

DH has in fact been great about this - to a much larger extent than I had previously considered him capable of. As mentioned somewhere he's not much of a talker usually. His family basically don't do feelings at all ("I'm fine" and "I'm fucking pissed off" being pretty much their whole range of acceptable emotions for males). I am still asking questions and he is answering them honestly.

Some of you have wondered what triggered his telling me. I think Mumfun has pretty much hit the nail on the head re. self-awareness there. DH says that it took him a long time to recognize and then admit to himself he even had these kinds of feelings (I blame you, PIL! ). He also admits that, once he had figured it out he felt scared shitless of telling me and of how I would react. Which, I suppose is no good excuse but somewhat understandable given that he did tell me after a relatively short time.

For what it's worth: DH insists that he would not dream of leaving me or cheating on me and that I will have to be the one doing the walking if I want "us" to be over. At the moment, I honestly don't think I do. I'm still coming to terms with how the premises on which I thought our relationship was based.

I reckon DH makes kind of a good point when he says that if he hasn't cheated in the last eight years - even when he met some women he found stunningly attractive - he doesn't see why he should start doing so now.

Still working out lots of stuff in my head and nowhere near done. I'm still feeling insecure like hell. Still thinking about a whole range of things to do with us.

The good news is, though, that I am starting to feel confident that somehow we will end up in a place where both of us are happy - whatever the final outcome of this.

NotADude, I agree with watchout's perspective.
Going against the grain, could his revelation be a positive one? He clearly adores you and fancies you, and just maybe his admitting to fancying men too was therapy for him? He's obviously been brought up to feel terrible about same-sex feelings, so may have built up that one early experience with a man into a shameful monster in his mind.
I think what I'm trying to say is that he has confided in you, albeit in a clumsy way, and not considering your feelings, and that there is every chance that you can work through this and his male fantasies will remain just that.

NotaDudeExactly... It's all a bit 'off', isn't it? Why would he need to say it at all? He's married to you and not planning to be unfaithful to you with a man... so why say it? Gay or straight, if he's married and faithful, whom he would prefer is really irrelevant... but?

I'm thinking about AF's post up there, where she wondered whether this confession might have been brought on by an incident. I had experience of this when I was in my twenties. A boyfriend whom I'd been with for three years broke down and told me that he preferred men... he swore that he hadn't done anything - yet. He was lying. I'm hoping that your husband is truthful and that he's telling you ALL of it. I'd hate to think that you're hearing what is essentially the thin end of the wedge, that he's testing the waters with you somehow. How honest is he? That's a question only he knows the answer to.

I read all the time about men who leave their partners, all the while having somebody 'in the wings'. I've come to the conclusion that it's rare for people to leave a long relationship to just go and be alone to get themselves together.

I agree about the baby too... I wouldn't have one with this man. He might be using the baby to cover up who he is to his mother, or he might be wanting to try having a child to see how that works. If he's not fully committed to you, your relationship and your life together, then it wouldn't be fair to you or to the baby.

In your position, I'd make absolutely certain that I didn't get pregnant for now. So sorry, NotaDude, it must have been a hell of a shock for you. :(

I agree with SGB. His background meant he had to repress his homosexuality. Of course sexuality is on a scale but he thinks he is much more into men. I've no doubt he loves and adores you, but I do doubt that he can repress his homosexuality for a lifetime.

Think of the long haul. I've met two women in their forties whose husbands decided they just couldn't carry on repressing themselves. Those women both ended up shattered. Easier for you to rebuild now, younger, sans children.

Not sure. 25 years and I've never been tempted to stray and still love my dh very much.

I told him not because I had done something wrong, but because it's part of my life and part of me, and not meant as any sort of threat to him. More to the point, my friends also know and it would have been weird for him not to.

For what it's worth, he was entirely unbothered by the info and it's not impacted on our relationship in any way. Again, just a personal perspective, but I don't think an admission of innate orientation has to mean guilt or abandonment or a lack of love. If anything, it gave my dh confidence that my male friends were absolutely no threat to our relationship, and that I can be trusted around women too, because my commitment and love is for him.

It's possible to love someone as a person, not as their gender, and truly enjoy a physical relationship with them. Very possible, and very wonderful.

THere's repressing and repressing, though. It really is possible that the OP's H needed simply to acknowledge that he isn't 100% heterosexual and that just saying it out loud, particularly to a partner as wise and kind as the OP sounds, will relieve the pressure on him, whereas keeping his feelings a secret might have led to the feelings festering and him leaving the marriage or it all going horribly wrong because the OP knew there was something but not what it was, and the two of them drifting further and further apart.

And I do think that some of the heteronormative mundanes on here really Just Don't Get It.

Thanks Bronze, and thanks OP. Most days I don't think deeply about it, but if I am truthful, it is always at the back of my mind. Some days I cannot imagine trusting another man ever again, but I guess at some point you have to take a leap of faith don't you? (Wish I had the opportunity at this point but there you go!). x

'I reckon DH makes kind of a good point when he says that if he hasn't cheated in the last eight years - even when he met some women he found stunningly attractive - he doesn't see why he should start doing so now.'

I don't think that is a good point, he has admitted that he is not predominantly straight, so the risk/reward ratio woud not add up. If he were to meet a man, not a casual encounter, but someone he would initially form a close emotional bond with. He has told you the scales are not weighted in your favour.

Again, not sure, PilgrimSoul. The point of faithfulness to someone applies whether we find men, women, transsexual or intersexual people attractive - we can choose not to follow that desire, and someone who is gay is not more likely to be a cheat than anyone else.

I feel that being honest with a partner about the way a brain is wired up is not at all the same as saying he's likely to be actively dallying with an attractive man. Everyone finds someone else attractive in life sooner or later (whether they admit it ot nor), but it's what we do about it. I'd have more worries if my dh pretended that he's never once thought about how attractive another woman is. I think an honest and open set of gentle conversations is hugely important, as is huge respect for the person we love and have chosen to spend our lives with Again, just a personal opinion.

amberlight pretty much summed up what I was gonna say. I think I am very attracted to women and I know DP is attracted to men too. Seriously does that mean one of us will stray? Not any more than if we were completely and utterly straight.

Some more time now since the big revelation. I think I'm in a good place - and so is DH.

Some of you have already said this but I'm starting to think that really it's a good thing I have been told. I can't imagine spending my life keeping a part of myself hidden from my long term partner and I'm actually glad DH doesn't feel he has to.

Many thanks to the posters here who have been able to talk to me a bit more about sexual orientation, relationships where orientation is mixed, etc. I've always considered myself an open minded kind of person - but there are, as usual, tons of things I have simply never considered or spent much time thinking about. Great to hear from people who are happy to share their experiences with me. It's an inspiration.

FWIW: I've decided to hang in there. I realize that there's no guarantee that I will not one day be the mum whose husband left her and the kids to be with another man. But, as some of you have quite rightly observed, I could also end up being the woman who was left by a husband who prefers to shag his younger secretary. No such thing as a lifetime warranty on monogamy, is there?

I guess some people might find this hard to comprehend - but my take on it is this, really: Like a lot of women, I've been in a number of relationships. Some were okay and others, erm, not so much. There was the guy who lived on my money, wrote shit poetry and then got so pissed off when I critiqued it that he decided to shack up in my(!) flat with a gentler critic while I was abroad for work for a couple of months. There was Mr I-tell-lies-because-I-want-to-see-how-worried-you-will-get-about-me, who never understood why I considered this fucking creepy rather than endearing. And so on.

However, there has never been anyone who drove across town at 3am to get me Ibuprofen for my period pain - even though I should have remembered to get some for at least three days. Nobody who ever provided me with a steady supply of home cooked food/strong coffee while I was cramming for my finals for several weeks in a row. No person who has ever told me he loves me and finds me sexy at least five times every day. Or who, most crucially, has dared to leave the house in one of my sewing projects before I became halfway proficient. My DH has done all that and lots more - which I sometimes think is way more than I deserve.

Okay, this is getting slightly cheesy now. Guess I'd better stop before I get any offers from chick lit publishers in my inbox.

I suppose my point is this: Yes, I'm running the risk of being left for/cheated on with a man some time in my future. If I were with a man who's 100% straight I'd be risking being left for another woman. I'd love to know for certain that this will never happen - but that's simply not a realistic option, whoever I am with. Hence, I pick the guy who I know loves, respects and fancies me and whose feelings for me I completely reciprocate. I guess that kind of makes sense.

I would suggest counselling. They will help both of you. Blokes don't always understand how a revelation such as your DH's can affect relationship and other person as much... After all, he said he wants to be with you

I have been there got the t-shirt

NotADude, sounds like you've got a lovely man there, and, (as you say) even if he were a hopeless heterosexual there'd be the chance that he would make off with another woman, or you might meet another man in a few years and fall in love and make off with him. No relationship is ever 100% fireproof but goodness me if he hated you and wanted to leave you, I feel it'd show in some other way. I have two friends whose husbands made a declaration of being gay/trans and who immediately left the marital bed (where things had been seriously wrong for a good while) and made it plain that they were not in love with their wives any more and wanted to take up a new life. That's only one of the possible outcomes, as you're finding out. Others have made wonderful marriage partners, truly loyal and lovely.

Well worth reading round sexual fluidity issues and the stats that show that there's hardly a person on this earth who is 100% hetero. Just some are more honest about it than others.

Yay, I'm glad you are in a good positive place, NotaDude.

All the best to you both, NAD