So my DH kind of prefers men, ...

[NotADudeExactly]

New name - for obvious reasons, though I mostly just lurk on here.

The title says it all, really. Said to me during a heart-to-heart yesterday. He assures me he loves me, feels attracted to me, that there is nobody else. I don't blame him, it's alright, really. And, as cliche as it sounds: some of my best friends are in same sex relationships. It doesn't bother me in the least - though it admittedly bugs me majorly to even think of it in the case of DH.

I'm just kind of in shock, I suppose, and feeling like curling up in a ball and crying. We've been together going on nine years and were planning to have a baby next year. He seems to think that's all still on. On the one hand, I hope so too - on the other I am just finding it hard getting over this right now.

Not sure what I am looking for, really. I just really needed to share this with someone and I have promised DH I would not utter a word to anyone in RL.

:(

I keep typing long posts and getting bumped off (MN is playing up), so sorry if my posts seem a bit terse

have to keep typing and posting really quickly, or lose everything

grrrrr

No worries - same here. I thought it was my connection.

lots of peeps having problems with connection

ok, my stupid connection won't allow me to suggest this with too much tact

but have you considered this confession may have been prompted by a recent encounter with a man ?

that is what I would be thinking in your situation

I don't believe this "one teenage experiment" cover story, tbqh

I am a cynical cow though

I really feel for you. This happened to my best friend, she was married for nine years when the subject of children came up and he told her the same thing. That she was his best friend, the only woman for her but that he thought he preferred men. Also from a conservative manly homophobic family. My friend didnt take it as calmly as you and was heartbroken, devasted. Couldnt tell anyone about it as she was too ashamed, thought it was her fault. In the end it turned out he didnt just think he preferred men but had been having an affair with one for a year. They never parted amicably.

Im sorry to tell you that story but, are you sure that he hasnt been experimenting? it seems a strange thing to come out and say after nine years.

My thoughts are with you because the pain she felt, I wouldnt wish it on anyone.

I agree with AF. Cross posted.

I'd advise that if you love him (and not some fantasy of what a husband should be) then you work with him on this. In the past gay men generally married, had kids and could not be themselves - except in secret and hidden from family. it seems like your DH might fallen into that trap because of his own family system. I have no doubt that he loves you dearly, but he may need to express his sexual identity with other men (assuming he is gay and not truly bisexual).
I had a friend whose husband (after decades of marriage) came out and fell in love with another man. They never divorced, but he did set up home with the other man and she found someone else to share her life. When she died, sadly of cancer, her partner, husband, his partner and her beloved dog were all there with her at the end.
The reality is he might be gay rather than bi. He may want children and you are his best hope of that - you have to talk to him and really work out what you want - you may end up with a relationship that is not conventional but works perfectly for you!
good luck:-)

'I guess what I actually feel really threatened in right now is my femininity/identity. It just feels wrong! It's not rational, I know, but a part of me just wonders that, if the man who says he adores me prefers other men, what kind of a woman does that make me?! And, yes, I know that's bullshit, objectively speaking.'

Not BS at all, that is the crux of it really isn't it? If he prefers men, then what is he saying - that he would rather be with a man than with you?

Some friends of mine were in a relationship long ago. Adored each other, but had an incredibly bland, vanilla sex life that tailed off as time went on. Transpired that he was gay and he just couldn't keep the lie going.
I find it odd that your DH could be gay, and yet make love to you so frequently.

I would want a LOT of answers in your position. He can't say he won't talk about it, he owes it to you.

so sorry to hear this notadude.
I have the same problem - i had been with my dh for over 20 years, with 4 children before discovering that he was bisexual.
He said it was a great relief when i found out - sadly i have found it has fundamentally altered our relationship - until he told me we were still having lots of sex, but gradually since he admitted it he has gradually stopped having sex with me - he won't really discuss it and says i never make advances towards him any longer which is totally untrue but i get rebuffed all the time.
I've stayed with dh because i enjoy his company, he is a good dad to the kids, my own parents were divorced and it was bit shite etc etc but hand on heart - if i had found out before we had the girls, would i stay with him - I doubt it.
I do appreciate for my dh, like yours, it was probably really hard to even admit it to himself - his dad would have a fit if he know which in part explains why it took him so long to tell me.

Loiner, that actually made me sob, right now. Pretty pathetic, I know, but it's really sweet.

I suppose what I will really have to figure out is whether DH is actually gay or simply bi. As stated above, the latter is not really an issue - the former I'm honestly not sure how to deal with. "Mum, can I move in with you, my husband is shagging men back at my place" is really not something I ever pictured myself saying.

Incidentally, I am as sure as I can be that my DH is not cheating on me. We have always been open with each other, including about any crushes we may have had. I have access to his phone, e-mail, facebook etc. He also doesn't seem to show any of the usual "signs"; no late work, no change in our sex life, no secrecy. In fact, DH recently cut his hours (for his studies) and has been spending most of this extra time at home with me.

stillnotuptoowningupaboutit: Hi, my name is NotADude and my DH likes men. Is there a 12-step programme for this at all?

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It's admirable that you're still together. The fit thing I completely get. I'm pretty sure my MIL doesn't know any other word for "gay" than "abomination".

Sad to say, my DH has not exactly gone off sex so far. I have, though.

you will have to figure out if he is bi or gay ????

how will you do that if he won't talk to you ?

do you think he won't be honest with you ?

can't you just ask him?...surely this is for him to figure out, then for him to tell you the whole truth so that you can decide whether you want to stay together or part

I guess he'll have to talk to me. As for the figuring out part - I'm really not that sure if he knows what exactly he is - hence the me bit. Of the two of us, I'm definitely the more analytical one.

My wish is that this ends in a way that is okay for both of us. I care deeply for my DH and I am positive that he feels the same way about me.

The bit that scares me is that, should we end up parting, I will have to do the whole thing over again. I do desperately want to have children. And I'm now going on 30, I've finally finished a good engineering degree and am in a position where I could make it happen without it being a major inconvenience for all concerned. I so don't want to do this whole thing over again, the dating, the disappointment, the assholes the guys I fancy regularly turn out to be.

Not to mention the coming home to an empty place at night and having nobody to rant about my day to.

"going on 30"

you have loads of time

please don't panic and push ahead with ttc

there are so many unknowns here, who knows what else your husband will spring on you

could you trust him again, after he has lived a lie with you for so long ?

having a child makes you very, very vulnerable

please think very carefully what you might be letting yourself in for/settling for

I have no problem with "alternative" relationships, but only when all concerned are totally up front from the beginning

this man has narrowed your choices with his lies and deceit

why aren't you more angry ???

I would be beyond furious, seriously

Also: Yes, I am scared he'd lie to me. Because, out of experience, I know he will do anything to avoid hurting me - even if it makes him unhappy. DH being what he is, he'd probably quite happily tell me whatever he thinks I want to hear and keep on pretending.

I couldn't live like that

truly

I would not trust him not to decide in a couple of years time, when you are busy looking after new baby, that he is going to move the goalposts again

he holds all the cards here...

I will leave you to it now, because I suspect I will just keep repeating myself

all the best and I hope you can find a way to sort it out between you that makes you happy

Well, he's never really lied, though, has he. He never came up to me and said "Hi, pretty girl, my name is NotADude's husband and I'm a straight, cisgender male who only likes vanilla sex".

Knowing DH's background I suppose he told me this now because he only just told himself this. Pretty sure I will get mightily pissed off at him, though. Once I'm over the "I'm a robot" phase.

Frankly, the character I can most relate to at this very moment is Bree from Desperate Housewives. As in "let's not be unpleasant". This is not my normal self at all - I think I've kind of gone into survival mode for a bit here.

I think you are getting to the truth now.

I hate to harp on about my friend but she was her husbands world, we were all quite envious of the exotic holidays, the fact that she never had to drive anywhere, had a beautiful house etc but, it was all a charade.

If it makes you feel better she was 35 when they split and a year later she walked into a pub, her eyes met with a fit 27 year year old. Two years later they have an adorable ds and her new husband worships her also. You are never too old to start again!!

Sadly, our friendship ended because it was me who guessed her husband was gay but thats another thread altogether.

Be brave.x

lying by omission is lying

and deceitful

he let you believe you were number one, that you were in a hetero relationship

he has actually betrayed you abominably. Just because he was also trying to fool himself doesn't make it any less of a betrayal

see ?

best I go, seriously

Sorry if someone's already said this - I need to go to bed so have only read half the thread.

Bearing in kind your Dh's conservative, religious family background, it may be that part of his hesitation is down to fear of their reaction. I think he may need a fair bit of time to sort out what's in his head and heart.

This is so hard on you. A friend of mine went through a similar thing some time ago and they initially split but got back together after her DH realised that what he wanted was her. So very very painful.

Actually, the people who deserve your anger, Notadude, are your H's fuckwitted homophobic family. This is their fault more than anyone else's. Had they been rational people, your H would have been more likely to be able to be honest with himself - and you- much earlier than this.
Yes, your H has to an extent lied to you and been cowardly, but he did so with good intentions - wanting to 'make' himself straight and presumably thinking that you would be the answer to his dilemmas because he likes you, loves you, cares about you and does find you sexually attractive. Sexual orientation is a sliding scale for many people.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, obviously, it is an awful blow to feel that you might be losing your partner. You do sound like a terrific person, compasionate, free from bigotry, ioepn minded etc - so I would rate your chances of coming through this and finding a solution that works for both of you. Whether this is parting as friends, him committing to a monogamous relationship with you and finding he can do so know that he has acknowledged his bi side rather than hiding it from you (bisexual people are just as capable of being monogamous as gay or straight people, thouhg not every bi person is inclined towards monogamy any more than every hetero or homosexual person is), or the two of you agreeing to be an 'official' couple and perhaps co-parents but* both of you getting your sexual needs met elsewhere, well that something for you and him to sort out, and it will take you a while. Best of luck.

Can I throw in a bit of a different perspective?

I probably prefer women, all in all. In that, out of 100 women and 100 men, I'd probably fancy more of the women, and most of my fantasies involve women, in fact, until about the age of 17, I was almost certain I was gay totally, although that might be more down to teenage boys than anyhing else :)

HOWEVER, I have only ever had boyfriends. I have slept with probably about equal amounts, but I only seem to get to the "relationship" bit with men. And I love DH and fancy him much much more than any other person, male or female.

I suppose I am bisexual - I wouldn't rule out having a relationship with a woman, it has just never happened, and I intend to stay married to DH, so I suppose it never will. I suppose you get more choice with the opposite sex or something, so you have more chance to find someone you love, or maybe it is just easier in general, maybe I don't want to rock the boat, who knows.

Having a label for my sexuality just has never really come up - the people that would care just assume I'm totally straight when they see my husband and kids, and before I settled down I moved in circles where I actually knew more gay and bi people than straight. In fact, at one point I counted up, and I knew more transexuals than fully straight people in my close to medium friendship circle. In fact, I remember being really surprised by someone referring to me as "bi" in conversation - I'd not really considered it before. DH is aware of my tastes, but it's not really relevant, beyond a "ooh look at that fit woman on telly" kinda thing.

I see it as about the same as the fact that I tend to fancy pale skinny dark haired men, but have had boyfriends who were muscley, tanned and blonde. Doesn't mean I fancied THEM any less, just that they weren't the usual type I went for.

So...could he have meant that?

AnyFucker: Don't go! I'm actually hoping to get to the stage where I get fucking pissed off at the wanker angry some time sooner rather than later. I'm just not quite there yet, but I'm bloody well working on it. Just clinging on to the denial bit for a wee bit longer, I suppose.

And, yes, I know that 30 isn't old. But it probably hasn't helped that this revelation has co-incided with the bit where I was panicking about the big three-oh anyway.

Add to that the fact that all my family are abroad, that I've spent the last eight years working insane hours (while also doing a full time degree for the last years), that for this reason I don't exactly have any close friends (and am not very good at making them) and you get panic that I might be getting old all by myself, childless, lonely and having to live in a fucking bedsit because London is so bloody expensive.

Actually, forget about the stupid denial bit. I'm fucking terrified!!!

Run for the hills, take whats left of your heart and your sanity with you. You sound like a beautiful, intelligent person.

I am angry for you, but the last 2 posters have shown maybe it isn't the best response ?

You won't get balanced and thoughtful posts from me where lying and deception have been involved, I am afraid

sgb is your girl here