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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So my DH kind of prefers men, ...

118 replies

NotADudeExactly · 16/05/2011 20:51

New name - for obvious reasons, though I mostly just lurk on here.

The title says it all, really. Said to me during a heart-to-heart yesterday. He assures me he loves me, feels attracted to me, that there is nobody else. I don't blame him, it's alright, really. And, as cliche as it sounds: some of my best friends are in same sex relationships. It doesn't bother me in the least - though it admittedly bugs me majorly to even think of it in the case of DH.

I'm just kind of in shock, I suppose, and feeling like curling up in a ball and crying. We've been together going on nine years and were planning to have a baby next year. He seems to think that's all still on. On the one hand, I hope so too - on the other I am just finding it hard getting over this right now.

Not sure what I am looking for, really. I just really needed to share this with someone and I have promised DH I would not utter a word to anyone in RL.

OP posts:

kitkatya · 16/05/2011 23:41

you do need girlfriends at times like this. Has your world just revolved around you and your dh and his family for all these years? You need to change that asap. Where are your family?

AnyFucker · 16/05/2011 23:42

I will lurk and spy on you

kitkatya · 16/05/2011 23:43

TBH Im glad you are getting angry OP. I would be wanting answers, only because Ive seen this first hand and I know the hurt you are going to feel

Original poster

NotADudeExactly · 16/05/2011 23:45

Springchicken & watchout: Thanks for that! It really helps to get some different perspectives!

I agree about PILs, by the way. Not just about DH's sexuality but about a lot of other stuff, too. Religion, gender roles, heaven knows what. In fact, one of the things that make me love my DH is that he has always managed to look at people and see them for what they are - in spite of what PILs' idiotic social standards have to say re. them!

I also completely get what you're saying re. labelling sexuality, watchout. The issue is, I suppose, that DH is not quite as good at this stuff as I am (see above) and that it's a hell of a lot harder for him to be rational about this kind of thing than it is for me. Which kind of leaves me in a bad place - because telling DH about sexual identities will probably only get me a blank stare.

Waiting for him to come home now. I think I'll have to open that bottle of white and have a talk. How does one do that? "Darling, can we speak about your sexual preferences and their implications for our relationship" sounds better in theory than in practce, I guess.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 16/05/2011 23:46

the two posters I meant were sgb and dailyfail, they are giving you great advice if you want to make a go of it with your husband

I couldn't

it's just not in my nature to be anything other than number one where my relationship is concerned

even if he is bi, I would always wonder, and it would sour things for me

not necessarily that he was physically cheating with a bloke, just even that he was wishing he was

AnyFucker · 16/05/2011 23:48

btw, I would be equally unable to settle for being second best if I thought my husband was secretly hankering after Sexy Sandra the Secretary

Original poster

NotADudeExactly · 16/05/2011 23:53

I can tell I'm getting great advice from these two, yes. And I appreciate it lots!

If all else fails: My DM had a poster on her bedroom wall: "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." (And, yes, my Dad was also sleeping in there until the divorce for entirely unrelated reasons, ...)

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 16/05/2011 23:56

well, of course

you are a clever, sorted woman

at the end of the day, you could manage without this man

he is just one man

never forget that fact

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 17/05/2011 00:18

It really could be that he intends to stay with you and remain monogamous, but that acknowledging his bi side exists is what matters to him (even if he hasn't got the words to explain that properly yet). He does need to keep talking, you both do. It will take a while to sort this out - remember you do have choices and it's OK to ask and tell him what you need to make the relationship work, if you think it can be made to work.
I just did a quick google and found this which might be helpful to you.

Original poster

NotADudeExactly · 17/05/2011 01:37

So, ... DH came home and we had a talk. Which was tough because, as mentioned, he's not that much of a talker. I got some answers and, I'm afraid, have some more questions.

DH says he does not want anything to change between us. He also says he loves me and I'm the only one he wants. And that he occasionally does fantasize about women that are not me.

But I also asked him where he'd place himself on a scale of 0 (totally straight) to 100 (totally gay). He says he's a 70, which is fair enough. He also says the remaining 30 is for me, which for one reason or another makes me sad rather than happy, ...

I talked to him about different relationship models and how this could be for us. He says he just wants us to be a normal married couple in love with a normal sexual relationship. That he wants me to feel secure as a wife should be. He also swears I'm not a second choice.

Ironically, it's me who's gone off the straight sex at this moment. I feel (and told him) that if he wants and desires me I might just need to be treated a bit more like some girl he has the hots for and less like a long term partner for a while.

I'm still not sure where we stand, exactly. But I did tell him how much I respect him for being honest and how, on a personal level, I love him more for it. And that I only ever suspect him of lying because I know he has this absurd tendency to want to spare me, ...

My gut feeling is that I somehow ended up being the much beloved wife of a gay guy. But then DH is right when he says that I tend to over-analyze stuff.

Also wondering whether there can be such a thing as gender indifferent sexual love.

Would really appreciate your thoughts on all this.

OP posts:

Rannaldini · 17/05/2011 02:27

This is part of a process on his way to coming to terms with coming out completely imo

Please think carefully about all the implications of this revelation on your relationship and what would and would not work for you.
My advice would be to move on and wish him well with the rest of his life

FreudianSlipper · 17/05/2011 06:10

poor you really feel for you must be a terrible shock :(

he does not want anything to change but everything has changed you had no idea that your husband has repressed his sexuality and wants relationships with men too, that is not something you can over analyze he is telling you what he wants, you have to decide is that what you want in your marriage and from you husband. i do not doubt that he loves you at all but he has not been totally honest until now. this is not fair, you do not wake up one day and suddenly realise that although you have a wonderful wife that you actually prefer men.

if you are happy with an open marriage then great but i think this is something you agree on well before you get married. i think staying with him will destroy your confidence, you will constantly be questioning where he is who is he with (would you accept him wanting to sleep with other women) and is it me he is thinking of when we make love

you are still in shock and to early to probably think of moving on, you have lots to talk about and you deserve some answer, not sure you will get them.

AnyFucker · 17/05/2011 08:10

how naive he is to say "nothing has changed"

bi relationship models can work, of course they can (there is a poster called TobyLerone where both partners are bi and in a happy monogamous relationship, I hope she turns up soon)

my own issue would be with the years of lying and deceit and the fact that he has narrowed your choices so profoundly (bearing in mind you want a baby very soon)

ScaredOfCows · 17/05/2011 08:17

I've just read through this thread - what an awful situation to be suddenly dropped into.

"He says he just wants us to be a normal married couple in love with a normal sexual relationship. That he wants me to feel secure as a wife should be. He also swears I'm not a second choice." - I think this is very telling. He wants this, probably because his model of 'relationships/family/love' has been very much based on this in his upbrinding. He can probably no more imagine himself in a gay relationship than he can imagine himself flying to the moon.

BalloonSlayer · 17/05/2011 08:26

"DH says he does not want anything to change between us. "

So, why did he tell you this, then?

To me, that's the bit that doesn't fit, the worrying bit.

If he told you, then he must want something to happen. What?

Reality · 17/05/2011 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MilkandWine · 17/05/2011 08:34

Just been reading your thread NADA, so sorry to hear hwta you are going through.

Your husband cannot possibly believe for a moment that "Nothing has changed". He has rocked the foundations of your relationship and I cannot see how you cn be expected to just carry on as normal.

I'm sure he does want you to be a normal married couple but there are many gay men throughout history who have wanted the same and it has failed. I do not believe it is possible (or healthy) to repress your sexuality in such a way. He will end up feeling frustrated and you will end up full of resentment.

Whether he likes it or not he has lied to you about who he is and to say nothing has changed is simply not good enough.

As others have said you need to keep talking and you need more answers, he cannot realistically expect you to just go "Ok fine" and carry on.

Also you are still very young you know. At 30 you still have years ahead of you and time to find a partner and have children. Please do not make the mistake of thinking this man is your 'last chance' because he so isin't.

Best of luck with whatever you both decide to do.

bronze · 17/05/2011 08:39

I would be worried.

Mainly because of mens (yes i'm generalising) tendency to dripfeed info and I would be worried what the rest of the story was.

My gut reaction is very much like AFs here

and if he doesn't want things to change, if he is bi but plans to stick with you for life as he vowed he would then why has he told you this now.
When 'shocking' information comes out I always assume there will be more

mummytime · 17/05/2011 09:08

I think you need to get him some professional counselling. If he has come from a background where gay=abomination then he has a lot to work through, and some professional help will enable it.
If he gives you up to "live a gay life style" he will be giving up all his dreams of wife and family, he will suffer consequences from his family, and so on. It may be totally terrifying for him, and something he is not ready to face himself yet. But is that the direction in which he is moving? For your own sake you need to get him to explore these ideas, and see what he really wants.

Elton John recently said in a interview; that when he was married (to a wife who he still respects, did love and fancy) that he would sometimes think during sex that he should be with a man, not her. Do you want your husband to be feeling like that?

BalloonSlayer · 17/05/2011 09:10

Could he be planning to suggest a threesome?

There seems to me to be something cruel about his telling you this. Taking sexuality out of it, if you were very slim and he said "I've always preferred voluptuous women, but I love you, am attracted to you, there's no one else" you'd be destroyed.

Someone stating that their preference is something that you are not and never will be is stating that you are not enough for them, and seeking, IMO to make you feel inferior, lacking in confidence, and on the back foot. Then comes the "suggestion" of what you can do to make up for what you are lacking . . . let him see other blokes, have a threesome with another bloke.

Hopefully he is not like this. But why tell you?

yomellamoHelly · 17/05/2011 09:16

I'm confused by your dh saying he doesn't want anything to change. If you start a family together everything will change. Cynical me is wondering if he saying he doesn't want children because it'll change your relationship and that if your relationship does change (i.e. you have kids) he'll start exploring this side of himself that he's kept under wraps.

AnyFucker · 17/05/2011 09:34

like I said last night, he has all the cards here

because he kept this secret for so long

not a situation I would be at all comfortable in and yes, I do absolutely think there is more "revelations" to come

either something(s) he has already done or something(s) he is moving towards and if you have kids with this guy, you will be inexorably drawn along with him

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 17/05/2011 10:20

Hmm. What he wants, of course, is not to be bi/gay and he thinks that with you in tow he can fake it till he makes it. However, suppressing one's sexuality entirely doesn't work in the long run. And the more someone like your H, who has been brought up by fuckwits, tries to swallow a part of himself because he hates and fears it, the more confused and unhappy he will becomeand the more desperate he will be to actually have sex with a man.
Because what you are doesn't go away. Sometimes acknowledging it to someone else, saying it aloud, actually robs the longed-for/but-taboo fantasy of much of its power, sometimes it doesn't.
I am sorry for your H who must be in torment, but you are a person too, and your feelings matter just as much as his.
What do you want, what could you live with? Never mind what's 'normal' or what the average mundane would say, have a think about what you want.

kallima · 17/05/2011 11:11

i just think it is one thing for a person who has already had bisexual experiences/relationships to decide to settle down in a hetero relationship, and another totally different thing for someone who has never fulfilled this side of their sexuality to do so.

the feeling i am getting from this is that he has finally reached a place where he can now openly admit to himself that he desires men - enough for him to tell you. admitting this to himself is the first stage of learning to accept it. and i believe that as he learns to accept this, this desire in him for men will go stronger and stronger until he can no longer ignore his desire to have sexual relations with a man.

he thinks he can control it at the moment because it's only the early stages..

i dont think i could go through like knowing i fancied the opposite and NEVER fulfil it. could you?

kallima · 17/05/2011 11:13

*grow
*life

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