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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My new boyfriend doesn't want to be bothered with my toddler so I have put her in to care.

135 replies

TheOriginalFAB · 12/05/2011 20:31

He said I had to chose so I chose him. Sometimes I have her back but I get fed up after a while and send her away but if someone else shows interest in her I get her back again. When no one else wants her I can't be bothered either.

-----------

I am the toddler.

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 13/05/2011 13:57

It's brilliant that they take you for granted, though. Imagine the luxury, the security of being able to do that with someone. That's what you have given them. Just as maryz said! - and you confirm it - they even know that they can get away with saying that they don't love you, knowing full well that they're utterly secure in your love for them. That's the voice of a child with a strong bedrock.

Next time they say that, feel proud as well as sad - it's actually a testament to your loving parenting.

The Fab family only exists because YOU are 50% of its founding generation - 50% of its genetic material - without your choices in life it quite simply wouldn't exist.

ShoutyHamster · 13/05/2011 14:01

What has DH's handling of MIL on this been like?

Because, not to derail this into a MIL-bashing thread, but she is so incredibly out of order here, to the point of causing serious heartache not only to you but to your whole family.

Has it been spelled out to her that she risks losing you all HERSELF by interfering so horribly? Because if not, maybe it needs to be. You simply don't need anxiety on that front too, and the feeling that you are under attack from within, if you see what i mean.

ChippingIn · 13/05/2011 14:13

Your MIL is bloody lucky she has any access to the DC and that you still speak to her - it's much more than she deserves.

Sort your wills out with the lovely MumbleChum and make sure your friend you are appointing guardian knows (or knows where to find) everything she needs to know about your mother.

Hugs FAB
x

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 13/05/2011 14:17

Are my children really secure? I have never had anyone I can take for granted.

My MIL knows how hurt I was but her reaction to me made me scared that she would shout at me tbh. I don't think that DH has told her it was over if she did anything else. It just makes me feel she will get better at hiding things. I am ashamed to say I look around at her house, things on show, to see if there is anything to do with my mother. I also have to confess if ever I was alone in her house I would look.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 13/05/2011 14:21

I don't blame you - I would too.

Whether DH has said that to her or not doesn't matter too much, all that matters is what he would do if she did.

I don't know if your kids are really secure or not, but from what you say about them they act like they are :) [not bothered about answering back, making demands - essentially being normal kids]

BsshBossh · 13/05/2011 14:46

Big hugs from me too, FAB. What a thing to have gone through, and what a thing to be still going through. I wonder what lies your mother must be saying to your MIL to make MIL behave like this - your DH must talk to her sternly.

missmelo · 13/05/2011 15:02

Hi FAB, I read your post and down through this thread and I'm so sad for you. To carry around that sense of abandonment is enormous, and I can fully understand how you don't want to speak about your mother in therapy, like another poster said you must feel scared of what you might encounter when you start to explore. My DH is in a similar situation to you and is in agony over his birth mother, only now, 35 years on has he started counselling. I hope you find the strength inside yourself to reclaim your past. You sound like an immensely strong woman and a wonderful mother from your posts. My heart goes out to you. xx

nickelbabe · 13/05/2011 15:22

Of course your children are secure. and of course they can take that for granted :)
you and your DH have given them a loving, caring, secure home.

they've got no worries on that front - you know that.

ShoutyHamster · 13/05/2011 15:25

Well, maybe a good way to tackle the anxieties you (quite rightly) still have over your MIL's behaviour would be to talk to your DH and ask him to speak to her.

It is relevant, as it's clear that this is ongoing for you - which is an absolutely reasonable reaction to what she's done!

Would it be an idea to sit down with your DH and spell out to him that you now know, now that time has passed, that what she has done has actually driven a huge wedge between you. You feel on edge and cannot trust her. This is only compounding the ongoing anxiety you feel, the out-of-your-control aspect of the whole situation. This is wrong. At the time you felt so awful about it that you couldn't confront her properly, but you now know that for things to have a chance of being right between you all, you need to KNOW that she understands a. that what she did was seriously, majorly bad and b. that she is actually now lucky to be in your lives and that further contact with your mother would result in you having to cut her off.

If your DH would now (not in anger, but calmly, now that time has passed) be able to sit down and make this clear to her, maybe this would not only help your anxiety but give you a bit of the 'power' back in this situation.

You could also ask DH to ask her why she would want to hurt you all like that, to put her own grandchildren in touch with an abuser. Shock her, make her think about that.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 13/05/2011 15:38

I have been going to a weekly psychotherapy group for almost a year and a half now, for treatment of the depression that I have suffered since I was a teenager. I have been on antidepressants for years, and can finally feel the black fog lifting slowly, little by little. For some people in the group it has taken months and months for them to be able to talk about the thing at the centre of what has hurt them - and I have such huge respect for you, FAB, for being able to talk about it here - that is a big step, I think.

One thing I have found is that I don't know how the group therapy is working - I can't pinpoint anything I have really resolved, but I am just feeling better. I think that some of it has come from talking to people who understand how depression feels, and don't just tell me to 'get a job - that's what you need to get you out of the house'. Plus it is space that is for us, the group members - no outside demands or interruptions - and I think it also helps to listen to other people's experiences and to offer them support and advice.

Sometimes it bothers me that I can't see what it is that is actually helping, but I am getting to a place where I can just trust that I am feeling better and it's going to carry on.

I hope that you can find the right help for you, FAB, and that you find peace and happiness.

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 13/05/2011 16:06

I know DH would back me 100% and cut all contact with his mother. If either of us spoke to her she would be all hurt and think I hold a grudge and why am I bringing it all up again. I just want her to like me. Rest assured if ever I find out she has done anything then that is it. DH is sure his father would tell him if there was anything but he would have to know to do that. If ever my MIL and I talk about anything remotely related I will bring it up. I told her at the time I felt like my heart had been ripped out and she did look shocked.

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 13/05/2011 16:18

maybe it would be worth explaining that to MIL - that you love her and want her to love you, but you find it very difficult whilst she's supporting someone who abused you, and quite clearly hates you, even now?

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 13/05/2011 16:59

She says she is not. Well, she has said she has heard nothing from her.

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 13/05/2011 17:08

I don't know what to say. :(

All I can assume is that she just can't fathom that a mother would do that to her child, and is hoping for a reconciliation>
Which obviously is not the best route now. :(

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 13/05/2011 17:43

She has read my file. She knows what I have been through and what it has done to me. Yet some how "mother to mother" of the same generation) means more than my wishes.

OP posts:
Maryz · 13/05/2011 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScaredOfCows · 13/05/2011 18:38

So sorry for your appalling childhood FAB, and the way that it has inevitably spilt over into your adult life. But you sound like you are doing so well - happy, secure children and a husband who loves you so much. The thing you said about not feeling part of the family? Always remember that your husband, your life partner, CHOSE to be with YOU, because he loves, respects and cherishes the person that YOU are.

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 13/05/2011 18:39

My children never say they don't love me, they say they don't know how much I love them. My mother has never said she loves me, only in a letter in amongst mentions about what she has done for me, how she has rights to my kids and how she will kill herself if I don't invite her to my wedding.

I could never show this to my MIL. She wouldn't look at it anyway. I will just have to bide my time.

I don't want this to be about her really as she is great with the children and generous with her time and money. I was just explaining some of the things I have had to deal with.

I appreciate every ones posts.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 13/05/2011 18:40

Scared - thank you. Yes, DH is amazing and he is my prize for all the shit that went before. He has stood by me through an awful lot.

OP posts:
NorthernGobshite · 13/05/2011 18:49

FAB have you had any counselling about your childhood trauma?

It may help you. It's very hard for children who have been in care to resolve their feelings of abandonment and rejection when they have children and feel overwhelmingly protective of them. It makes the rejection by their parents even more raw.

I am so sorry your mother wasn't a good mother. It doesn't mean you were a bad child or unworthy of love. She failed, not you.

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 13/05/2011 19:05

I have had counselling but it came about from a diagnosis of PND and a lot of it was based around my children and also a past relationship. I think I am scared about talking about my mother Confused.

OP posts:
NorthernGobshite · 13/05/2011 19:11

Thats understandable FAB. But it really sounds like you might need to?

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 13/05/2011 19:13

Yikes. I think I need time.

OP posts:
Maryz · 13/05/2011 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missmelo · 13/05/2011 19:32

Hi FAB I already mentioned my DH had an experience not too dissimilar from yours and it took him 30+ years to go to therapy and talk about it, imo it was neither too late nor too early for him, it was the right time because it felt natural for him, he had some coping skills built up, but it is a very painful and slow process for him. You will know yourself when the time is right. x