My new boyfriend doesn't want to be bothered with my toddler so I have put her in to care.

[TheOriginalFAB]

He said I had to chose so I chose him. Sometimes I have her back but I get fed up after a while and send her away but if someone else shows interest in her I get her back again. When no one else wants her I can't be bothered either.

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I am the toddler.

It sounds as though you are very wisely taking things at the pace that is right for you, and you are the expert on what you are ready for or not.

I am sorry that your previous therapist expressed a judgment about your relationship. As others have so eloquently said, you will know when you are ready to start looking at the issue in depth 'taking the lid off the box'- your post here signals some movement towards this and when you feel ready I wish you all the very best in finding someone sensitive and caring to help you work through this.

Congratulations on all you have survived through and are doing to prevent your children from experiencing what you did. My hat goes off and my heart goes out to you.

thank you.

Good luck for your appointment, Trin.

Fab, there's no need to apologise to me!!!!! I didn't mean to make you feel bad!!!!

trixy.

I am sorry you had such a terrible time. WOuld it help, for the moment, to concentrate on the practical? IE talk to a solicitor about legally keeping your mother away from you and your family. She has no legal rights over you or your DC; grandparents do not have access rights in law (unless you were a totally unfit parent ie off your head on drugs and beating the children to bits - even then, if the grandparent was not deemed a good carer s/he wouldn't get custody).
If you had injunctions in place it might help you feel stronger.

We are going to do our wills at half term.

I am going to feel so stupid when I see this thread tomorrow.

Don't ever feel stupid Original, all your feelings are perfectly valid. I take my hat off to you, despite what this 'mother' inflicted on you, here you are, a wife and a mother, a great mother. She will never bring you down. She is the loser.

I like SGBs suggestion about dealing with the legal things first, until you feel able to have the therapy.

You are some woman, inspirational. x

Fab x

Fab

Definitely not stupid to start this thread!! You've had some good advice.

Fab have sent you a pm. Sending you virtual ((Hugs)). Please do not allow yourself to feel stupid about the thread tomorrow. What you suffered was very real & you have every right to feel the way you do ((Hugs))

Hugging you too FAB. You are strong, you will get through this.

Can't believe anyone would be so cruel to a child
Some people aren't meant to be parents. You cant understand it because you are a good mother.
Do you think she regrets it now?

Don't feel stupid for posting this thread, if it helps you, if it gets the bad stuff out of the way that you cannot talk about in therapy, you might be able to get better and move on with your life without this constantly hanging over you.

What your mother done is shameful, she ought to be ashamed.

I do hope no one is in contact with her she doesn't deserve it or you.

SPB - I don't know. I wouldn't have thought so. She said every thing she ever did was for me. I was selfish. She definitely paints everything as my fault. Mostly for being a girl.

I am off to bed.

Thanks everyone for being so kind.

Hope you can sleep x

Fab, do you think you are maybe taking a few baby steps towards being ready to talk about what your mother did to you? Starting this thread is a good start - and you must never feel silly or bad for doing that.

I think SGB is right. See if you can take legal steps to prevent your mother from contacting you - can you document her letters/phone messages/threats etc? Then you might feel safe and strong enough to start really addressing this with a counsellor.

I really feel for you Fab. You have been so close to crisis point and you always drag yourself back from the brink. The thing about really healing is sometimes you have to let yourself get to rock bottom so that the only way is up. It is well documented that when people really start to tackle the issues which are causing such severe depression, they do get worse before they get better. It certainly happened that way for me, but I am so much happier and stronger since I dealt with a lot of the crap I had with my own mother (nowhere near as bad as you - but I was still suicidal at one point).

original - love and hugs to you . I found a person centred counsellor worked best for me. All at my pace and I always felt safe about what was happening.
You are so strong and brave to have got to where you are already. Remember two things -1, your mother has already had more of your energy and attention than she deserves and 2. It is never to late to be who you should have been. Take carexxxx

"It is never to late to be who you should have been"

This will sound so stupid but I find that thought really scary. Like when I wonder about being well and and not having depression any more. Scared to be well as then I will know how much of my life could have been better and I have wasted by being ill.

I have been scared to think/talk/tackle so many things but are dealing with one huge thing at the moment and it is helping so much as I truly feel the book was written for me and it gets me.

One thing at a time.

I must go to bed now. I am shattered.

Thanks so much everyone.

Lets hope you sleep well tonight FAB. You may feel better after being well rested.

Your mum chose her BF over you. You can change that by choosing your DC's over her every time. Sounds like she's annoyed by you being a shit-hot fab mum when she was a complete failure. She may see this as you pointing this out rubbing her nose in it. A kind of "Ha, you abandoned me, so I'm deffo going to exactly what you didn't do - be there for MY kids". Not many people want to have their failures/shortcomings brought to light.

Going to bed now, but hope youe have a good rest. Tomorrow's another day . Take care.

FAB, the hurt and loneliness coming across on the thread from your memories as a toddler have made me cry , even without direct experience of a situation like this- I cannot comprehend how much this must still hurt you. I'm so sorry that this was your childhood, and that your family have conspired to allow this woman to carry on attacking you.

It feels like a huge thing in your head because it is a big deal. Being parentless is the biggest deal imaginable to a small child. This isn't you making a fuss about nothing- this is facing up to a truly appalling thing that happened to you (and more awful things too, from your second post).

I hope you manage to get the legal issues ironed out smoothly, and I'm amazed that your DH's mother is willing to risk her own contact with the children by giving info to your mother. Frankly, your mother sounds self-absorbed, unhinged and dangerous.

Sleep well FAB.

Thank you everyone.

I feel so much better for telling someone. There is so many bad secrets in my head that I can't tell anyone. I have had such bad reactions in the past that now I daren't tell anyone in real life.

My DH agrees that if his mother has any more contact with my mother that is it for us seeing her. He thinks she has stopped but I don't believe her. It is just a question of when I will catch her out. She told her stuff because it was mother to mother and lied to us about it. I had to find out what she had done from a letter sent to my solicitor by my mother. What about me being the mother of her only grandchildren?

Dearest Fab, there is so much I want to say to you, but you have been in my thoughts through the night and I am so deeply sorry that life has dealt you such a shitty hand.
Whilst there may be things about which you can never talk, getting them out of your head is like removing festering splinters. And talking about the same pout or incident over and over is part of a healing process.
I can not begin to imagine how profoundly this affected you but my Ex gave me this ultimatum over our DS and I know from first hand what affect it had on my poor boy.
It is unimaginable to most people
That you function at all is actually something you should be proud of and how you feel is actually a normal reaction to what you went through, you are not stupid, like another poster said, it is big.

It is OK to want to heal not just how it affects you now, but the 'inner child', so when you read this today, you should again be proud that you are taking steps to repair the damage.

You will be in my thoughts and I hope today brings you some peace lovely, take care and keep on using Mumsnet as a crutch, Mittzy xx