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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My new boyfriend doesn't want to be bothered with my toddler so I have put her in to care.

135 replies

TheOriginalFAB · 12/05/2011 20:31

He said I had to chose so I chose him. Sometimes I have her back but I get fed up after a while and send her away but if someone else shows interest in her I get her back again. When no one else wants her I can't be bothered either.

-----------

I am the toddler.

OP posts:
WobblyWidgetOnTheScooper · 12/05/2011 20:49

Oh Fab :( I'm so sorry.

When I saw the title I thought WTF, must be a wind up, nobody would be so cruel... But I guess they are. Just horrible.

You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about, I'm damn sure I'd feel bitter. Have you had therapy? I was abused, and although it will always hurt that my parents didn't protect me (because that is the worst part IME - the fact the people who are supposed to love you most let you down?) - it really helped me move past it.

I haven't read about her trying to get your DCs, FFS how awful, I hope nothing comes of it.

DandyGilver · 12/05/2011 20:51

It is big.

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 12/05/2011 20:51

My DH and I wrote to her and said we wanted nothing to do with her or her us and our children. She said she would leave me alone if she heard it from me. I haven't heard anything since. she was in touch, secretly, with my MIL who didn't tell us. DH is sure she isn't now, I don't trust her tbh.

OP posts:
SpeedyGonzalez · 12/05/2011 20:51

FAB, have you ever spoken to a psychotherapist about this? You are carrying a massive weight which no person should ever have to deal with.

headfairy · 12/05/2011 20:52

oh fab, that's so sad. Don't be silly for posting this. Sometimes it just has to be said out loud for the full reality to be felt. What an awful experience you went through.

It never ceases to amaze me the cruelty people inflict on innocent little children :(

MadamDeathstare · 12/05/2011 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 12/05/2011 20:53

I have never wanted to talk about my mother in therapy. Not really sure why.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 12/05/2011 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 12/05/2011 20:54

My MIL says she has no contact now but as I said, I don't believe her. My grandmother told my mother weeks before she died so I had to let it go. I couldn't have a row with a dying woman.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 12/05/2011 20:55
Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 12/05/2011 20:56

We do need to do our wills. DH would never in a million years let my mother near the kids but I can't say the same for his mother though she says not. She knows what pants my life was yet still told her about my baby. A school friend offered to take all my children if DH and I died but there is nothing legally in place.

OP posts:
trixymalixy · 12/05/2011 20:57

Oh Fab, you've made me cry. What a cruel way for you to have been treated!

I agree with others that you need to speak to someone trained to help you deal with this v

AnotherFineMess · 12/05/2011 20:57

I am a therapist and many clients tell me that they have avoided talking about the main source of their pain becuase they are terrified of what will happen if they start to explore it. A totally understandable, totally reasonable response to emotional pain, but fortunately, most people do start to feel much better after some good support - not immediately maybe, but certainly over time.

Does the fear of bringing all of this up put you off therapy?

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 12/05/2011 20:58

Oh shit. I am sorry trixymalixy. Sad

OP posts:
SpeedyGonzalez · 12/05/2011 20:58

Fab, I'm not that surprised. You'll have to dredge up an awful lot of raw stuff, and it will be a very long journey. But right now the legacy of what your mother did is dominating your life. It doesn't need to rule over you for the remainder of your years.

ChinnityRhino · 12/05/2011 20:58

x

travellingwilbury · 12/05/2011 20:59

I am sorry .

You will talk about your mum in therapy at some point I am sure . It is like the bit you tell your dr when your hand is on the door handle , that is the important bit , just sometimes it takes a while to get there .

Be kind to yourself , and I hope your dh is too .

WobblyWidgetOnTheScooper · 12/05/2011 21:00

You've not wanted to talk about her, FAB, because you are probably very scared of being vulnerable. It is hard, and actually quite terrifying, to open up to a therapist. It's like you've locked up the bad feelings in a box in your brain, just so you can get on with daily life. You may be worried that if you open the box (by talking) it'll all come flooding out, Pandora-style, and you won't be able to handle it.

But a good therapist will not let that happen. It's like they open the lid a tiny bit, and take a small piece out. You talk through it until it's dealt with, and you don't take the next bit until you are ready. Step by step. It's slow, but it works, and you will be safe.

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 12/05/2011 21:00

AFM - I have had several therapists but haven't got very far as I don't feel they have any clue what I have been through. I was reluctant to talk about some things as well. One did help me understand why I was still thinking about an ex but it still took another year before I finally cut all ties. he was not happy. I am dealing with some other stuff at the moment and it is scary as the book I am reading feels like I was written for me as it is all about me.

OP posts:
SpeedyGonzalez · 12/05/2011 21:01

Fab - I'm sure trixy didn't mean for you to take responsibility for her feelings after reading your posts.

ChinnityRhino · 12/05/2011 21:02

Its Trinity here btw

and I'm still holding you
x

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 12/05/2011 21:02

Sorry, lots of cross posts there.

I am not in therapy at the moment. I did see someone about hypno-analysis but it didn't feel the right person/thing to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 12/05/2011 21:02

I guessed it was you, Trin. Thank you. How are you?

OP posts:
SpeedyGonzalez · 12/05/2011 21:03

Just a thought - have you read 'Counselling for Toads'? It's a good introduction to how counselling works, told in story form. It might be a good first step to helping you decide how to help yourself out of this.

ChinnityRhino · 12/05/2011 21:06

I'm ok, got my first psych app tomorrow

no idea what I;'m going to say

its a new psych, my old one retired....gutted

should be good though

and tomorrow morning I'm babysitting my friends little baby girl (the one that I drove her up to the hospital to be with and she told the nurses I was her sister so I could see her and she was teeny tiny, really prem and I cried) whilst she has a her hair done Grin

but enough about me, I love you

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