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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My son and cannabis

241 replies

LynAnn · 11/05/2011 14:46

Really just letting off steam this damn drug. Has taken my son away, started at 13 and the habit grew and he slowly disappeared. Meddled with other drugs had two kids hit and mental abused me his ex partner and now his current partner. He now has pure ocd (bad thoughts) severe paranoia and anxiety. And has pushed every one away from him. He has no one. He hates me I know as he tells me this but sometimes I can see the old son. But it is hard to want him near me I love him but I dont like what he has become.
This drug is a menace andshould be banned.

OP posts:
missmelo · 11/05/2011 22:45

Its not an attitude Any Fucker, believe me I don't have an attitude, just an opinion based on years of experience, you are finding this difficult to reconcile I can see

wineisfine · 11/05/2011 22:46

mrsgmhopkins that's an interesting question. Many of the people I went to school with (still leading very privileged lives), take drugs recreationally still. It's become a life-defining thing in only a few, but then again with access to money and similar resources it's easier to stop things getting desperate.

I wish I knew what parents could do - talk about things. I have three sons and my eldest (who is 9), is already aware that there are illegal drugs and about the dangers of alcohol.

I think something useful would be to accept that teenagers often do experiment - with drink (god knows I puked up enough stolen gin, can't stand the taste now), cigarettes (ditto silk cut, ergh), sex and drugs. Accepting that rather than going mental or insisting your PFB would NEVER is probably a good start.

Generally if the child has self-confidence they will be okay with saying no. I remember a girl saying she'd stopped taking cocaine for her GCSEs(!) - awful that she was taking it regularly at that age, but that decision to stop and that exams were more important, I dunno, it feels like that was a good sign.

As with most people who use substances to self-medicate or as a social crutch (and I did this with alcohol for a time), there are usually issues under the surface. But to say parents could stop their children experimenting is just not true. The most together, sorted teenager in the world is probably going to do something illicit at some point. Probably years before their parents would consider it even a vague risk.

thumbwitch · 11/05/2011 22:48

good on you, missmelo - I can see that all your training has made you a real empath. It shines through in your utterly judgemental posts. way to go - kick the woman when she's down.
I agree totally with AF - hope I never have to deal with a professional with your attitude.

OP - sorry for your troubles with your son and the drug. And while I have no direct experience of this, I was also at a privileged private girls' school, where drug use started (to my certain knowledge) at around 15 - one of the worst offenders was one of the teacher's own daughter, and one of the other teachers lost her son due to drug-induced paranoia at a party held by this girl. Shocking that these teachers "weren't there for their children" Hmm. Load of shite. Teens will do what they want, in secret, and cover it up very well.

AnyFucker · 11/05/2011 22:49

I am finding it difficult to "reconcile" that someone with your judgemental, rigid stance has the priviliged position of working with such vulnerable families

frankly, I am finding it terrifying

wineisfine · 11/05/2011 22:51

I should add that although my nine-year-old is very prurient about alcohol and the concept of drugs (in that special nine year old way), I am under no illusions that he is going to be encouraged to try them at a terrifyingly young age.

DH has a slightly different perspective as his mother was a 'soft' drug user (70s commune), and he has tried most things once but only once, and has inherited a disdain for people who use injectable drugs/crack etc. Whereas many of my peers were desperate to try everything and anything having been told their brains would explode and most drugs were instantly addictive (we were told this in school!)

thumbwitch · 11/05/2011 22:52

Oh I meant to add that I only knew about the drug use at 15 - it probably started before that. I wasn't in the "in" crowd so didn't really see much of it going on until I was 15.

Maryz · 11/05/2011 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LynAnn · 11/05/2011 22:53

Yes great he is clean but at what expense. Thanks for all the kind words. I didn't expect this reaction, It has caused much heartache for my oh and two other boys. But we will get there.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 11/05/2011 22:54

IMO missmelo should possibly be grouped with SWMNBN in terms of "I know how to do this better than parents of relevant children, even though I have no actual personal experience"

Thornykate · 11/05/2011 22:57

missmelo what agency do you work for? Must say your opinions are contrary to what I have come across from health, social, justice & charity sectors?

OP teenagers is a good board to post on :)

AnyFucker · 11/05/2011 22:57

lyn, I have realised that the red mist obscured my view for a moment and I forgot to address you directly

I am sorry for the way your whole family has been devastated and I absolutely say you must not ever blame yourself x

Maryz · 11/05/2011 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missmelo · 11/05/2011 23:02

I'm truly not kicking Lyn Ann, and it is great that he is clean now, not everyone comes through it. LynAnn seemed to have lots of support around her but that all failed and her son went down a different path, thats truly sad. Hopefully nobody on this thread will ever need to be referred to me but when people are I can assure you that they are treated with respect, dignity and understanding. It is clear in Lyn Ann's situation she did what she was capable of doing to try to prevent this but the wider point should be made on this thread that if thirteen year olds are smoking cannabis or if there is any suspicion at all then parents have to act immediately to stop it.

MavisEnderby · 11/05/2011 23:04

What if they try everything they can and it continues,then???

thumbwitch · 11/05/2011 23:05

missmelo - everyone here apart from you thinks you are kicking her. Perhaps you should get some re-training in empathy if you truly cannot see how shockingly judgemental you are being. Seriously.

Maryz · 11/05/2011 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thornykate · 11/05/2011 23:15

missmelo do you work in isolation for example as a private therapist?

Or do you work in the public sector?

Sorry for going off topic OP but it might discourage other parents still living with a child on drugs from seeking help if they think they will be met with such negativity so I do feel it is important to point out that missmelo is not representative of the public sector.

missmelo · 11/05/2011 23:16

How could I judge this lady? I can imagine there was heartache and pain. She seems to have done everything she could have done, in her original post she didn't say anything except he started at 13 and the habit grew, I asked, how could your 13 year old use drugs. She explained later on that she engaged different authorities to help her. Her son still spiralled downwards, thats tragic but all too common, LynAnn tried very hard, and she explained that in a later post. I am not judging her, I am pointing out a very obvious consideration, based on the name of this thread that parents should be responsible for their children and drug taking. Lyn Ann tried and tried and she pointed that out later on, not in her original post. I find is unbelievable and terrifying that mners are verbally bashing someone for pointing out the obvious (not towards you LynAnn you clarified in a later post you did everything and yes you have gone through the mill and you have my sympathy, I assure you)

AnyFucker · 11/05/2011 23:17

How often do you do update training, missmelo ?

Check your calendar, I think you missed a few

Since about 1962, I reckon

AnyFucker · 11/05/2011 23:19

thorny, no, missmelo is very much not representative of the public sector, you are soooo right

thank God

Thornykate · 11/05/2011 23:19

Am seriously intrigued as to what action parents take to stop cannabis use in teenagers. Up until tonight that answer has been as elusive as the cure to the common cold.

I am genuinely all ears as to how parents can stop this.

thumbwitch · 11/05/2011 23:20

missmelo - as an "empathic" professional, perhaps your first post should have asked the OP what she did before you piled in and told her that she should have stopped him from taking the drugs, "end of", and taken responsibility. You cannot take back your original judgementality, based on incorrect assumptions, just because the OP then explained that she had actually tried everything she could. You should have asked.

MavisEnderby · 11/05/2011 23:20

Miss Melo,please could you address Maryz postings,and mine if you are feeling charitable.Thank you kindly,Mavis x

AnyFucker · 11/05/2011 23:20

back tracking now, MM ?

disgusting

thumbwitch · 11/05/2011 23:24

worse - "unbelievable and terrifying that mners are verbally bashing someone for pointing out the obvious " - we are having a go at the way in which you have gone about it and casting doubts on your empathic abilities, given the way you have addressed the poor OP. Perfectly legit thing to do under the circumstances of your posts.

What is unbelievable and terrifying is the thought that any families who are referred to you might meet with this attitude of yours - condemn first, ask questions later - and be thoroughly distraught by your "it's all your fault you know, you should have stopped him/her" take on the situation.

FFS.