Emotional abuse

[NosyRosie]

I am an educated, fairly intelligent woman but I only recently discovered that I have been living in an emotionally abusive marriage.

I thought it was just the way he was and that I had to be understanding and try to keep him calm and happy in order to live a half normal life.

I never dreamed of telling my friends or family what he was really like because it was important to me that they liked him.

The last straw came on 15th April (his birthday incidentally) when his behaviour was so shocking that it was the last straw. I genuinely thought I was going mad (seeds sown by him) and phoned my HV in a state. She asked me if I was being harmed and mentioned Women's Aid.

In my mind Women's Aid = domestic violence = physical abuse. I have since found out that emotional abuse can be more damaging than physical abuse.

I feel so stupid. How can I have not realised what was going on? Why have I not been aware of the dangers of emotional abuse? So much is said about DV but it always seems to refer to the physical attacks and I always told myself "at least he doesn't hit me".

Does this sound familiar to anyone? I really feel the need to sit down and talk to other people who have been through the same thing and tried to get hold of a local support group but no one got back to me.

How easy would it be to start an awareness campaign? I keep thinking about how many other women could be going through the same thing without realising the damage it's doing.

Thanks if you're still here!

JellyK: I don't mind at all if you show them my post. In hindsight, I was very upset, probably gabbled on more about how upset I was at striking H, than about what he'd done to me; I think I was just so freaked out that I'd done something so out of character. But, still, a wee bit of gentle questioning would probably have put all that in context....

Simplesingledad, I am worried that that I would be asked by the court to move back to where we currently live. I don't think he'd take the children, and I don't think they'd willingly go with him. They have both said (unprompted by me in any way) they are frightened of his bad temper, they don't trust him to keep his word; they find him confusing. However I also feel terrible that I'd be taking the children away, and realistically, he'd only see them every other month or so; he's still their dad, and they do love him.

But thank you for your reassurance, and for reassurance from others on this thread,it's made me feel like it might be possible to leave...

NosyRosie I hope you and your DD have a nice break at your parents' house, and you get a chane to relax there. I think it will be a real sign of healing and moving forward when you (and me, and I'm sure others on this thread) , are able to do things, like housework, as and when we feel like it, and for our benefit, rather than because we are anxious about things not being 'good enough' for our partners. I know I do the same; mind you, whatever I do, there is always something that he notices, that hasn't been done, and that's what he will notice and remark on!

Nosy - can you imagine if HV / SS acted on every blatantly malicious report of a badly cut finger nail / scraped knee / obviously accidental bruise?

They'd be even more inundated than they are now, or have to triple their work force...

In my own case, the ex used to constantly complain to SS that DD was "covered" in bruises and scratches - DD is very physically active and always has been, and so often falls and bumps / scratches herself. In one meeting I asked the HV for her opinion, and she said in front of ex and SS that the bruises and scratches were entirely normal for a toddler.

Still, the ex batters on about it, even now (a year later). I get occasional remarks in the contact diary like "She has bruises / scratches on legs. NOT HAPPY". Said bruise will be smaller than DD's fingernail. Once upon a time I was so messed up and paranoid I'd be taking photos as counter evidence .

So these days I tell her, every so often, that if she's that concerned then she can take DD to walk-in GP or A&E. Wish I could be there if she ever does - partly to watch her make an idiot of herself, but mainly to re-assure DD.

In short, see it for what it is - just another way for him to have a go at you, another attempt at him transferring the anger he has for his train wreck of a life and his many inadequacies onto you.

He may mean it to be personal, but it's not about you, it's about him, so there's no reason for you to take it personally. He sees that you're doing fine, and that pisses him off too.

And finally - make the nob wait outside your house. There's plenty ways of setting that up, a good one is having dc's ready to run out to him and then saying bye and locking the door...

Snail - leave.

Make a new and better life for yourself and for DC.

If he sees them once a month, there's more chance they'll get the better side of him.

You deserve to be happy, your DC deserve to see and have you happy.

You are not this present abused you. You are good, strong, and kind. That is what the abuse has played on and how it has kept you there. Now use that to do the right thing for the majority, instead of doing what only one (abusive nob) person wants.

The Court won't ask you to move back, they would only want there to be reasonable contact arrangements in place, so long as those arrangements are for the good of the DC. And no, that doesn't mean you taking the kids half way.

Thank you SimpleSingleDad. It sounds like you've really been through the mill with your ex. It's that mindset they get us into isn't it? Until you've had enough time and space to come to terms with what's been going on it's difficult to shift those feelings of inadequacy and needing to make sure they're happy.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow...

Ah great Betty, Nosy and Snail, i'll show my WA this on Thurs, they'll be shocked and saddened by your experiences i'm sure.

Nosy, Good luck for tomorrow.

Stay strong, try and remember hes just a twat, with faulty wiring x

Thanks SSD.

Nosy, thinking about you today, hope you and DD are OK.

OP, I can relate totally to your original post. Thanks to being an avid lurker on mumsnet and reading many of the suggested books, I managed to negotiate the hellish process of ending a 15 year emotionally abusive relationship.

I think the only positive thing about living such an existence is that you need fantastic reserves of strength and courage just to make it through a 'normal' day and these attributes serve you well in the end.

Good luck xx

I've just come out of a mentally abusive relationship... I am in a positive place now but I am sad to say my experience reporting to the police was an absolute let down.

I am told that domestic abuse legislation has been ramped up to specifically address mental abuse but in reality this new law (in my experience) has absolutely no application. The police pressed me wanting to give an example of a specific message to prove the abuse but it's not that simple. The very nature of grooming and mental abuse is it is subtle, intricately done and carefully woven over time...then there's the reverse psychology and double meaning messages which really can't be interpreted by an officer or anyone as a stand alone message. It's just not tangibly pinned down in a specific message but rather understood in the context of a period of time. Sure, I appreciate police have limited resources and this type of investigation could end up time consuming but I still feel utterly disappointed ... it took a lot of courage on my part to file charges. I have previously been in relationships where I was subject to physical abuse and quite honestly if I was forced to choose id sooner have taken a guy who belted the shit out of me than the mental abuse ive endured.
I was told "No crimes been committed" yet when I queried the officer who called me (to inform me no further action would be taken) about the new legislation she actually read out the criteria of this crime - I ticked EVERY BOX.
He would physically trap me in corners pawing at me against my will, he financially controlled me, hid my passport, hid my bank card, emotionally blackmailed me faking cancer, bullied me, tried to convince me I was the one who had mental issues eg "I told my friend about your space issues" in reference to him trapping me in corners.

The worse for me was how he groomed everyone around me.... more so after I finally escaped... and many of my friends believed him over me! He's so charming, always plays the victim card making people feel sorry for him and scarily manipulative but the abuse was truly sinister and sick... much much worse than any examples ive given here.

I hear nice stories where some police do act appropriately and deal with this crime well..... so I guess there's some good ones out there. But my thoughts are for most police this is too time consuming and best swept away as "just another domestic"

The way I feel though... he never won. I did. Because I won my freedom back.

Hi all. I am new to mumsnet.
I am35 I have 6 kids 2 in my first marriage and 4 in my current marriage of 11 years.
My husband has over the years been abusive not all the time but it was happening. He had pushed pulled and kicked me pulled out my hair and spat in my face he uses terrible language and calls me a whore a slut and many other names. I always stayed cause it happened far and few between . I was never allowed to work and he is very controlling. He hates my family and we have no friends. He accuse me of every man.
I am financially dependent on him and loved him so much I use to make excuses for his behaviour.
5 years into our marriage he had a affair while I was 8 month's pregnant and when I found out he was very impressed by what he has done.
It was a terrible time.
I forgave him he kept telling me I'm useless and stupid and no one will ever want me.
In his opinion he is the greatest man alive.
So after 10 years of marriage a man at a restaurant we frequent showed some interest in me. Told me I was wonderful, smart and amazing. I felt so great for the first time in a long time.
Nevertheless I had a affair with him it lasted about 2 months till my husband found out. He went crazy calling me unthinkable names and hurting me.
It's now been almost 2 years since the affair came out an he is verbally abusing me almost everyday morning till night.
He says I am the biggest slut around and makes up vile sexual stories about me and then believes himself he says I deserve to be treated like the whor# I am.
Trough all this my kids witness it all he doesn't care he even tells them that their mother is a cheAp slut.

My kids stops him when he want to get aggressive. They aged 11,9,6 and 5.
He also spy on me and follow me if I go anywhere. If I leave the house he makes trouble.
My 11 year old told me I must not leave he rather choose us living this way rather than breaking up.
In all this I feel so guilty for wanting to leave and I am so scared that I am making a bad decision.
I fear what my kids will be like if I stay and also fear the impact splitting up might have.
I don't want the kids to hate me.
Financially I have no plan. And i can't do anything while I'm with him.
He says he will take the kids from me because I was a bad mother who has affairs with hundreds of men.
Leaving feels so right when it is going on. Then when I am alone and think about it it feels wrong.
I am also scared that as a Christian I will be punished not only for having a affair but for leaving my marriage.
I'm so lost in all this.
When my husband don't fight he is the best human around . And that makes it harder.

SERA you might be better starting a new thread of your own... but in the meantime, is so sorry you're feeling so trapped. There is ALWAYS a way out and it sounds like you're trapped in a living nightmare. First of all I would contact women's aid. They will help you understand that your husbands treatment of you is abusive and they will help you to make plans for the future. Ring them when it is safe to do so when you are alone.
Children are scared of the unknown...I have recently left my dh after many years of domestic abuse (mostly verbal and emotional although used to be physical) and my ds 10 said the same thing to me, that he would prefer for us to stay together even if that meant his life was shit, because he is a child and he needs me to manage this situation and eventually he is coming round to things being better. He doesn't know any different does he? The unknown is a frightening thing for a child.
Your h will use ANY ammunition he has over you in order to keep you under his control and abusive husbands always say that they're gonna take the kids because they know that's how they can hurt you the most.
Go to your GP, ring women's aid and tell them everything. You have power, start reading about the freedom program... knowledge is power. Your husband sounds absolutely vile.

Hi all. I am new to mumsnet.
I am35 I have 6 kids 2 in my first marriage and 4 in my current marriage of 11 years.
My husband has over the years been abusive not all the time but it was happening. He had pushed pulled and kicked me pulled out my hair and spat in my face he uses terrible language and calls me a whore a slut and many other names. I always stayed cause it happened far and few between . I was never allowed to work and he is very controlling. He hates my family and we have no friends. He accuse me of every man.
I am financially dependent on him and loved him so much I use to make excuses for his behaviour.
5 years into our marriage he had a affair while I was 8 month's pregnant and when I found out he was very impressed by what he has done.
It was a terrible time.
I forgave him he kept telling me I'm useless and stupid and no one will ever want me.
In his opinion he is the greatest man alive.
So after 10 years of marriage a man at a restaurant we frequent showed some interest in me. Told me I was wonderful, smart and amazing. I felt so great for the first time in a long time.
Nevertheless I had a affair with him it lasted about 2 months till my husband found out. He went crazy calling me unthinkable names and hurting me.
It's now been almost 2 years since the affair came out an he is verbally abusing me almost everyday morning till night.
He says I am the biggest slut around and makes up vile sexual stories about me and then believes himself he says I deserve to be treated like the whor# I am.
Trough all this my kids witness it all he doesn't care he even tells them that their mother is a cheAp slut.
My kids stops him when he want to get aggressive. They aged 11,9,6 and 5.
He also spy on me and follow me if I go anywhere. If I leave the house he makes trouble.
My 11 year old told me I must not leave he rather choose us living this way rather than breaking up.
In all this I feel so guilty for wanting to leave and I am so scared that I am making a bad decision.
I fear what my kids will be like if I stay and also fear the impact splitting up might have.
I don't want the kids to hate me.
Financially I have no plan. And i can't do anything while I'm with him.
He says he will take the kids from me because I was a bad mother who has affairs with hundreds of men.
Leaving feels so right when it is going on. Then when I am alone and think about it it feels wrong.
I am also scared that as a Christian I will be punished not only for having a affair but for leaving my marriage.
I'm so lost in all this.
When my husband don't fight he is the best human around . And that makes it harder.

SERA - sorry i meant start a new one, so click on the option to 'start new thread' not 'new post'

Hi thank you for helping me along.
I can't seem to find that option. And keep logging out so scared my husband sees.

Go to the main screen where you'll see all the titles of other people's posts, there's an option there for 'new thread'. I just think you'll get far more responses if you start your own... my advice stands... ring women's aid when you get an opportunity.. there's loads of women on here in similar situations to yours x

Thank you xxxx

Why is it so difficult to leave an emotionally abusiving relationship?

If I tell people things, it all sounds so petty

27 years of being treated as a housekeeper he can have sex with whenever he likes has left me feeling so alone. How will I ever be able to trust another man?

I read the stories of the other brave ladies who posted years ago and it is all so familiar

I have just visited this site after being advised to by a friend. The last post was in May of this year on this subject. I am staggered at how many women are going through something this invidious. I also didn't fully realise for many years.i denied my gut instinct , and if I did question or challenge I was belittled or told I was imagining the issue in question. I am an intelligent, social person , or I thought so. I would like to tell my story, but I must wait for a legal situation to be resolved. My partner died, you see, it was after his death that I Came to understand the depth of financial abuse towards me . He made out I was unworthy to inherit any of his money or even to continue to live in his home. The shock of his actions has been profound, but to learn of the money he actually was hiding whilst he was always (cash broke) and taking mine, so leaving me with little cash capital to lIve now he has gone. How does one ever come to terms with this . The behaviour of a financial , sexual and emotional abuser, is very subtle, it is a drip drip situation and bullies like this are very adept at being believed to be good kind people,.

He has never given physical abuse, just verbally and emotionally
What I endure is mainly belittling me, criticising me, making me feel inadequate, demoralising me, making me feel worthless. the evil in his face as he snarls when he’s annoyed or angry at me makes my stomach in knots, and I shake with nerves.

He never ever compliments, but can quite easily criticise.

He has free reign to do what he wants, when he wants and with as much of his money as he wants, ( none of it is mine as he’s earned it.
But, As he is unable to read or write properly, can only just work his phone, doesn’t know how to use a computer, never done an email..hasn’t got one.
He makes a lot of money buying and selling cars. He buys the car and I take all pics, do all the descriptions, list them on multiple sites and answer and reply to all messages, he can’t even write a receipt out... but I do fuck all and don’t bring any money in (he keeps all the profit and I get paid £50 which gets spent on extra household bills.
the only money I am allowed is tax credits, which covers the weekly shopping, broadband bill, phone bill and 11yr sons expenses, School etc which happily for him has me penniless by the end of the week. Mortgage free, he pays the electric/gas/Water, Ctax/ and the car...
I take care of ‘his' house, his Kids, his meals, his washing and making his life as easy as possible, 'servicing his needs' when he wants regardless of what I need or want..

I fetch and carry, do whatever he tells me, go n get that, fetch me those etc etc.
run up stairs get me that...
Make me a brew.. make me another... put my flask up...
Will walk past his ‘made brew', sit down, and wait for me to pass it to him...
What’s that on the floor, have you cleaned today? (house is spotless)
Windows are filthy (grandsons handprints)
If I’ve not got round to hoovering all through (very rare as it gets hoovered every day) he’s huffin n puffing doing it himself, saying floors full of shit.
We all have to wait till he’s finished work, had a bath, gone back out again (to sort something or see someone) then when he’s ready I’m to make tea then so it’s freshly cooked? Usually 8 ish onwards.
I end up cooking twice so son can have his tea at a decent tea-time time. He doesn’t cook anything, never has....
All the above...Just to keep in good books with him

Lately I have been trying to stick up for myself, arguing back, he says the most hurtful things I know aren’t true, I end up so upset and frustrated because he won’t listen to any reasoning, just goes on to something else.. then the nutter words come out, then it’s all about me always being the same, a waste of space.(me screaming and crying how horrible he is to me is a sign of being mental and a nutter?)

I honestly don't think I can do any more or any better.

and I can finally say "its not me being over sensitive, its not me having a sense of humour failure. Its him being a controlling joy-sucking thoughtless bastard"

Only conversation we have is about money and 'him' earning all the money..
I find myself walking on eggshells everyday not knowing what mood he is in, or even trying my hardest not to put him in one!!
I live in his nice house, Drive his nice car, Have a holiday each year, the bills get paid and he is well off....
SO REALLY I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL ????? Oh and I’m on a good number ....

NARC...
Everyone of these is him...
Lack of empathy
Grandiosity - thinks they are terribly important and unique
Lack of accountability - blames everyone else for everything
Rage just beneath the surface
NEVER says sorry ever
Very exploitative of people in their life
Very little in the way of conscience - they are too special to adhere to normal codes of behaviour and morals
Hot and cold behaviour, push-pull dynamic
VERY controlling, they have to control anyone with whom they are personally involved with. Everything is on their terms
They expect compliance
Vengeful, vitriolic, spiteful
They have to win at all costs
Very manipulative
No real depth of feeling

He has always been very controlling. We watch what he wants to watch on the TV, his opinions are always right, nothing is ever good enough. The house is never tidy enough, the kids are never quiet enough, EVERYTHING is my fault. I have been reduced to a anxious, miserable, self doubting emotional mess. All locked away inside as I don’t show it..
It’s like an army/prison camp not a loving family home....and I’m literally his personal slave.
We’re both 49, 3 children (2 grown and 1 who’s 11
Spent 30 yrs together, left him in 2011 went back in 2016... first yr was good, then went down hill from then on and now back to ‘normal'
He isn’t diagnosed as a Narcissist, but from all these people’s posts. I know I have to leave for the final and very last time. I haven’t a pot to piss in, but I want peace and freedom, this is the only way left.
If any of the people on here previously, going through the same, please let me know and update your situations. All your posts are reassuring 💕

Hi I was just wondering if anyone is still here? I have found this thread SO helpful, thank you so much to everyone who has posted xx

My first ever proper boyfriend was 16 when I was 14. We where very close as a couple and he was one of my only friends. I loved him a lot and i think that blinded me to who he actually was. He was sensitive about the serious issues going on in my life but if I did something he didnt like I got told of for it. If I did the slightest thing wrong then I would get ignored and he would let me cry and have panic attacks, to the point where I was hurting myself by scratching up my arms and banging my head on things. He would just let me do it and be on his phone. Then a bit later he would pull me into his arms and say "i love you, that's why I do it". I had an ex before who cheated on me so I was very cautious about it. One time I was playing on his phone and a message popped up from a girl so I just clicked on it to see what was up, its shitty I know but my curiosity and fear got the better of me, and he saw me. He proceeded to tell at me and then ignore me for around 2 hours while I cried and begged and he made subtle hints that he might want to break up. Then, even after he forgave me, he would make "jokes" about it that where really just hidden digs ylto make me feel small and upset and even when I asked him to stop he said I was being too sensitive. There was more things like this. The reason I'm only noticing it now is because I woke up from a dream I was having about my boyfriend now, who is the sweetest most gentle boy, in which he was making me feel bad and belittling me for something I had done wrong even though I had apologised a thousand times. I even woke up with a sore throat and having a panic attack from the dream because I was screaming and banging my head in it so much. It was then that I realised, I was trying to make my new boyfriend into my ex. I was just so used to being treated like that. The only reason I realised it is because in the dream he said something I had only ever heard my ex say before. "Why am I being so mean to the girl I'm going to f*?" And then he laughed. I called my boyfriend crying and told him everything, the first person I've ever told. But im still not sure if it really was abuse or it's just how some people treat their partners? Feel free to comment.

I work in domestic abuse and i didn't notice it in my own home! x

The trouble is that it creeps up on you and sounds petty when you try telling anyone

My ex still insists he was a good husband as he never hit me

Since leaving my ex has been a lot lot worse. He's quite clever and even though it's clear to see he's controlling its hard to prove its abuse. It's more cohesive control, he pushes his behaviour right up to the bar but never quite crosses it. Hes been threatened several times with a restraining order but still its hard to prove.

Hi everyone,
I am new here and I have joined here as the mother of an emotional abused daughter. I have a letter my daughter wrote in an effort to ask for help but sadly still doesn't have the confidence to reach out as she thinks no one will believe her.
I thought I'd post her letter and see if anyone had any advice I could give to her to help her take some control back of her own life.

I’m writing this because I am very Nervous and anxious. I am used to people direspecting me because of my past, I feel ashamed of what I was before. I feel worthless and still don't believe that I am deserving of help or support from anyone.
My story is very long and complicated, it’s very hard for me not to jump back and forward and try to make sense. My head is crammed full of all the horrible things my ex partner did to me and how he's taken everything from me. . I find it difficult to try to deal with agencies that would back up my claims as my low confidence makes me go blank and make a fool of myself and I end up just leaving things undone.
I was an unruly teenager when I met my ex and he was ten years older than me.
I know today I was emotionaly abused by me ex partner and at a time when emotional abuse was not a crime, if it was my situation would have been very different today.
My ex is very clever at showing me to be a monster and him to be an upstanding citizen. He told me he was smarter than the law and I have to say up Untill now he has been!
I have been at court for 4 years trying to get access to my daughters. Eventually two years ago I got access to my youngest daughter but my older daughter did not want to come see me. My access has not progressed much as my ex still opposes me at every turn.
At court my ex accused me of some things that did not happen and twisted other things that did happen to support himself. I was told by my lawyer that my job was only to prove that I was in an improved position to see my daughters, I was not allowed to say that my ex had done anything or told lies about me. In court I had to accept that i had done what he accused me of while he was viewed to be a caring father that was a victim of me.
In my mind I thought if this is what it takes for me to get to see my daughters then so be it . All I wanted was to see my babies.
My situation with my ex has not change, he told me when I left him that he would take my children off me and since I was totally ground down and on my knees he easily did this.
He is still determined to keep me out of their lives and while he has achieved this with my older daughter he is now stepping up a gear and my youngest daughter is slowly growing away from me. I fear that soon she won’t come to see me anymore.
As hard as it was for me to accept I was abused by my ex partner I know today that I was! There was social work interaction along with addiction services that knew I was being controlled and abused by my ex, a plan was made to try to get me away from him as he was sabotaging my efforts to get well, It was then social work knew he was abusing me using my children. Sadly when I did finally leave him I was a bigger mess and my road to recovery was to be a long one.
I know what Neil did to me and I was no match for him and my daughters even less so. My youngest daughter was so strong and brave to keep coming to see me as she would quietly tell me some stuff and she’d ask questions about other things. She said she wanted to fix things but her dad didn’t want to. She said that Kayla my oldest would come to see me if she ever got the courage to say she wanted to. I see that my daughter is totally controled, it breaks my heart every time and I could do nothing to help her. , she is always quiet and sad when it was time to leave me.
Even though I’m not with my ex I am still being controlled and abused, I know my daughters are being controlled and turned against me and I have evidence of this in court reports and contact reports.
I can see the damage being done to my daughters through his ongoing abuse.
I an not looking for sympathy but I have done nothing so bad that I should not ever have contact with my children or them me. I believe that myself and my daughters are victims of my ex and that it can be proven in court.
I have never spoken about the abuse because I did not know it was a thing, even though I now know it was abuse it is still very hard to speak about some of the things he did to me.
I need someone to help me show that I am a good person and that I would have a positive impact on my daughters life’s. I love them so much, I miss them every minute of every day, my heart breaks as I long to be in their life’s, I’ve missed so much that I will never get back. I am indeed well punished for being me and for leaving my ex.
I want to know if I can go to court and prove that my ex emotional abused me when I was with him and that he used this depredations of that abuse to make me look crazy and bad and to take my babies from me only because he lost his control over me. And to the fact that he has used and still is using my children to continue his control and abuse which is causing ireversable emotional damage to my children. I have the evidence with agencies to easily prove all of this and I have all the people that were there at the time of his abuse and told me time and time again that I should leave him.
I know my children are older now and the only life they know is their dad, I don't want to take them away I only want them to be free to have me in their life and their emotional abuse to stop.
I have been told that if I think my daughters are being used for emotional abuse I should be reporting it as it is a crime. I'm so mixed up and I don't know where to turn.
I want to deal with this so that I can finally move forward with my children in my life with support as opposed to control.
I am a good person, I am kind, I am stronger, I could be a fantastic mother as I have so much love to give them. I've worked really hard to change the negative impact of the emotional abuse that left me hating myself and thinking my children were better off without me.

Yours Kindly
Lindsey