Emotional abuse

[NosyRosie]

I am an educated, fairly intelligent woman but I only recently discovered that I have been living in an emotionally abusive marriage.

I thought it was just the way he was and that I had to be understanding and try to keep him calm and happy in order to live a half normal life.

I never dreamed of telling my friends or family what he was really like because it was important to me that they liked him.

The last straw came on 15th April (his birthday incidentally) when his behaviour was so shocking that it was the last straw. I genuinely thought I was going mad (seeds sown by him) and phoned my HV in a state. She asked me if I was being harmed and mentioned Women's Aid.

In my mind Women's Aid = domestic violence = physical abuse. I have since found out that emotional abuse can be more damaging than physical abuse.

I feel so stupid. How can I have not realised what was going on? Why have I not been aware of the dangers of emotional abuse? So much is said about DV but it always seems to refer to the physical attacks and I always told myself "at least he doesn't hit me".

Does this sound familiar to anyone? I really feel the need to sit down and talk to other people who have been through the same thing and tried to get hold of a local support group but no one got back to me.

How easy would it be to start an awareness campaign? I keep thinking about how many other women could be going through the same thing without realising the damage it's doing.

Thanks if you're still here!

Annie, that cognitive diequilibrium was me. I used to ask myself "how happy is it reasonable to be?" and "Who is really happy anyway?". "If I left I would be exchanging one set of problems for another set of problems". I talked myself into accepting being treated like shit because 'happiness' was ..... (?) a self-indulgent unrealistic expectation!!!!!!? WHAT state of mind was I in?

Something that pierced my cognitive dissonance if you like was a chat about my grandmother. She had more freedom than I did, she was 'allowed' to keep all the money she made from her dress designing and dress making and my Granddad was apparently really proud of her and used to tell people how fabulous a dress maker she was! I think that realisation that my Grandmother had more freedom, happiness and money than I had really went some way to piercing the web or rationalisation I had spun around myself.

I had 3 friends who totally stood by me.

One who hated my Ex from the day she set eyes on him.

The other two were just always there.

Nosey Rosie- I agree with what others have said about friends not being able to warn us would you have taken any notice of them???? I think you need to let go of those feelings-you dont want to end up resenting your friends-they are really important to you now. Maybe you are feeling like this to protect yourself from the pain of shouldering the shame and embarrasment. I really really relate to you there. At the moment that is my prominent emotion. I remember someone once saying after leaving their own abusive relationship; that they had to learn to forgive themselves. It wasnt relevant to me at the time , but I must have stored it away- i think thats what you/I/we have to do.

I also am very grateful for this thread- thank you

Bibi that is Soo true!!!

I was also conditioned from a young age and trained to be a 'GOOD WIFE' as that was the ONLY purpose to my life.

I was not allowed or encouraged to continue my studies or do ANYHTHING that I wanted to do.

I kick myself for not leaving him earlier on in the relationship. What a waste of so many years of my life and my youth.
But if only I knew what i knew, about him and about the help that was available out there.
Thank God for the Internet....if only it was around back then. maybe me and my dcs would have been saved from his shite!"!!!

know now* that should read

Internet went down at work minutes after my last post on this thread today

T'was horrid not being able to distract myself from the dullness of work with a quick MN peek

Anyway, apologies if I'm wrestling attention back to me but since we could do nothing at work today I re-read the Patricia Evans Verbally Abusive Relationship in e-book form today.

I forgot I had that book actually, remember speed reading it when I was really doubting my last relationship and looking for answers left right and center before I found MN.

Then I remember thinking oh, none of this applies to me apart from the odd one or two sentences, on to the next book.

Well, I've had quite a shock today as this time around I recognised so many things in that book that my ex was doing/saying.

Up to now I've just been glad to have had the strength to end it and send him packing (five months ago) but now it's my turn to feel like an idiot.

It seems that, despite my convincing myself he was just an ineffectual, harmless, weed smoking bumbler he was anything but.

A part of me still wants to think I'm over dramatising and seeing these things where they didn't exist but I know it's not.

Bit of a shock to the system to realise that the excuses I made for his coldness, blanking, stonewalling, arguing black was white, ignoring etc were just that (shy, doesn't know how to communicate, never had a proper relationship, too sensitive etc etc)

No wonder I felt like I was invisible for nigh on ten years while he had almost all of his needs nicely covered by me.

That's the second abusive (find it difficult to even type that word tbh in this context) relationship I've had in a row.

17 years in total wasted on two total twats of men - so glad it's not happening any more and that my eyes are now open to this sort of stuff rather than feeling I'm defective/lacking.

As I say, sorry for going on about me me me but this did knock me sideways slightly today

That must be difficult to cope with Bibi. I too believe at the moment that I'm over-dramatising or imagining a lot of the stuff that went on. I'm convinced that if I tell people they'll just say "oh that's not too bad".

I need to read the books to help myself but I also really want my friends and family to read up on emotional/domestic abuse so they can understand my side. I think lots of them will wonder why I didn't do anything sooner and I don't want to have to feel I'm trying to justify myself.

Does anyone have any suggested reading for friends and family? My sister sent me a couple of links today but I haven't had a chance to look yet.

I'll be ok soon enough Nosy just a bit frightening to me how much I deluded myself while being convinced I was seeing things clearly.

At the risk of sounding a bit harsh, I think you need to take the focus off other people, be they friends or family.

What's important is that you realise and acknowledge what happened to you.

I mean, it's not for you to give books to your nearest and dearest in an almost sort of 'see, I told you' sort of gesture.

It happened, it doesn't make you any less of a person, in fact more so since you have realised what was going on AND found the strenght to do something about it.

Let people wonder all they like, if they want to know what happened let them ask you outright and if they choose not to put any weight on the story coming from your own lips and experience, then frankly, let them go forth and multiply!

You're not obliged to justify yourself to anyone, think that's a remnant of the emotional abuse you suffered.

I would concentrate on reading all you can lay your hands on for your own understanding for the time being and don't worry about anyone else.

Rosie, listen to bibi, she is wise (unfortunately)

< hope you are ok, bibs >

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I understand the need for validation, but these emotional abusers are just brilliant at presenting a different face to the world. Wanting to convince everyone else what he is really like is futile and a waste of your energy.

Some of them will already know (or sense it). Some of them will have had their twat radar pricked immediately they met him. Some of them will never face the reality for reasons of their own which are not yours to struggle with

look out for yourself (and any dc of course) and no-one else

like bibs said, wanting outside validation is a symptom of how beaten-down your self-esteem has become and a clever, clever way he has kept you in place until now

offload the need to make others, and most importantly him understand how you feel or it will hold you back

Thank You for that much more eloquent post on the subject AF.

I'm still a bit clumsy and unsure when it comes to giving a forthright opinion :)

It's funny, one of my friends was really harassing me the other day saying I ought to give talks on being abused in a relationship.

Now, I'm no public speaker and can't invisage me doing that but Rosy is so spot on in her OP when she says there just isn't anywhere you can go and told/educated/warned about the perils of especially emotional abuse.

I mean like physical meetings and by nowhere I mean my local area but I really think theres a desperate need for it.

I know that, if I had someone say to me 'you know what he's doing is not right' (and god knows I moaned to enough to real life people about ex's twattish ways) I might have got out sooner.

Not blaming other people but the 'correct' reply in society still seems to largely be 'oh, he's a man, what do you expect, a nice meal and a blow-job will sort him out'

Sorry but that's how it feels at times and it needs addressing and changing.

I'm going to have a good think about what I could do to be of help.

Not blaming other people but the 'correct' reply in society still seems to largely be 'oh, he's a man, what do you expect, a nice meal and a blow-job will sort him out'

You are absolutely right bibs. That is the default position for many sections of society, including, most worryingly, other women.

You are perfectly eloquent, m'dear.

The "Freedom" programme, look here has lots of resources and training programmes around the UK for women and men. Just having a quick look at the "resources" and "books" tab on the website, there are clearly set-out "ways to spot Mr Wrong" and stuff like that. It is very clear also that domestic abuse is not just about being battered, which is a sadly common misconception.

The Women's programme is recommended by Woman's Aid. I have heard some mixed reports about the men's programme, however.

See what you think.

"offload the need to make others, and most importantly him understand how you feel or it will hold you back" ... Brilliant AF

This is what I struggle with. This need to feel heard, or validated, or waiting for him to grovel on the ground and apologise profusely for all the times he made a fool of me (in public and in private).

I just want to let it go, and be OK that its over and that he will never apologise sincerely. Even if he did, it wouldnt change that it had happened.

NosyRosie - I so understand the rewriting of events, in ones mind, as opposed to how they ACTUALLY occurred. I have had times when I felt I must be mad to have gotten that upset over something - of course this is after he would tell me I am overreacting and/or how I was to blame for the behaviour he chose.

BTDP, a good individual counsellor could help you make great strides with that

I'm so grateful for such wise, well-put advice

I have a slight obsession about what people think of me, having been told repeatedly over the last 5 years 'it's no wonder nobody likes you'.

My sister is also being really protective. She told me this morning she wants people to understand what happened because she doesn't want anyone to think that I was in any way to blame for the breakdown of my marriage.

My parents seem to think I should be talking and telling them everything. They're imagining all sorts of things and think that I'm hiding something from them. They don't seem to get that it's a) hard to talk about it and b) not one specific incident but years of that drip drip effect and therefore very difficult to put into words.

"she wants people to understand what happened because she doesn't want anyone to think that I was in any way to blame for the breakdown of my marriage"

Good as her intentions may be it's not 'peoples' business i.e other than your immediate family.

I get the impression there is quite a bit of emphasis on placing blame in your family!?

Fair enough, your parents have an interest in what happened but again, I think not to the 'micro' level and having to repeat yourself over and over.

What you need most of all now (again, only my opinion) is people around you who are willing to listen on YOUR terms.

In the immediate short term it may well be worth telling your GP what you've been through and ask if you can be referred for counselling or even find a councellor yourself.

I used to be very very reluctant to go and tell what I perceived to be a paid stranger my life story but eventually did.

Went for a year and it was really helpful. It's a good, neutral supportive place to talk if nothing else :)

I don't think it's about blame, but there's definitely a culture of worrying about what other people think within my family.

I saw a counsellor a few months ago. Told her almost everything about the last few years and she didn't say a word about the chance that I might be being abused. I don't know if that was intentional but looking back she must have realised what was going on from what I told her.

She charged £30 per session and (while I wouldn't go back to her) I just don't have that kind of money. My HV keeps telling me to see my GP too so I think I will make an appointment and see if she can suggest anything.

I've felt that really unless people have been in an abusive relationship, they find it difficult to understand exactly what it does to you. Years of brainwashing is very difficult to explain.

I was simply met with 'Well why did you put up with it?' etc..So i gave up trying to explain.

That's why attending the 'Freedom Programme' is so helpful, just to be in a room with others who know so completely, what you went through, without necessarily needing to say a word.

I'm now on 'The Recovery Toolkit' programme, still with WA, but it focuses on us 'moving forward', instead of it being all about the XP. At long last i can speak, be heard and understood.

When my ex sent me unanswered texts 5 days ago, telling me that i was juvenile for not communicating, and that 'everybody will now understand', my initial reaction was panic about 'everybody' blaming me, and thinking i had problems, but because of the what i've learnt with the above programmes, i was able to turn my thoughts around by the following morning, and not let it effect me emotionally.

I recommend it NosyRosie.

The abusive spouse is abusive to anyone he/she is in an 'intimate' relationship with.

All of us who have lived with someone like this must remember that the abuse is not because of us or what we do.

Thanks Jelly, I've been reading about it today. There are no courses coming up in my area at the moment but I'm going to give them a call tomorrow.

The need to talk to people who understand is immense.

Nodding along in complete agreement to every sentence of your post Jellykat.

Had a look at the Freedom Programme link AF posted earlier and it does sound good, might book myself onto a course actually.

The most improtant thing I've learned the last few years is that I cannot change my XH. No matter how much I wish too. No matter how hard I want him to understand what he did to me, to apologise to me. he will never do it. I spent a long time after we split up, being angry, trying to reason with him, explain to him, be nice to him.
But in the end, I realised I cant change him, and I dont care to anymore. All I can do is change me, change how I react to him, respond to him, interact with him. I mostly ignore him nowadays, which is much healthier for me. I have to have some interaction because of the children, but I started cultivating an air of disinterest which eventually became real :)
I used to mutter over and over in my head "ignore him, ignore him, ignore him", eventually it worked.

http://www.mind.org.uk/ do free, open-ended counselling.

I've been seeing my MIND counsellor for about 18 months now. At first it was just a safe place to rant and off-load, and slowly it's becoming a place to start to explore the reasons why stuff has happened.

You're so right there. I wasted about 18 months wanting my x to acknowledge that he'd treated me badly. Obviously it was never going to happen. He just doesn't see it like that. He was entitled to treat me like a resource in his opinion.

My mum even said to me about a year after I'd left him "look he wasn't a reasonable man when you were with him, he's not going to see reason now!". And it was just the right comment at the right time and it made me stop trying to get him to understand.

I can't believe I tried so hard now. He's just a randomer now. I have that detachment now that I can think 'oh think what you like'. But I still don't want to come into contact with him.

That was to MacDoodle!

Talk TO me not AT me; a phrase I repeated many times to my H.

Waste of time.

H used to make me feel physically ill. I spent hours just 'treading water' to stop myself from breaking down with the unending pressure of his next verbal attack upon my inadequecies. When his mates came round for the evening or there was his favourite sporting fixture on TV I felt utter relief that his attention would be totally diverted from me - sadly that made me happy.

My mates never came round as he didn't like/told me they used me; blah blah blah