Emotional abuse

[NosyRosie]

I am an educated, fairly intelligent woman but I only recently discovered that I have been living in an emotionally abusive marriage.

I thought it was just the way he was and that I had to be understanding and try to keep him calm and happy in order to live a half normal life.

I never dreamed of telling my friends or family what he was really like because it was important to me that they liked him.

The last straw came on 15th April (his birthday incidentally) when his behaviour was so shocking that it was the last straw. I genuinely thought I was going mad (seeds sown by him) and phoned my HV in a state. She asked me if I was being harmed and mentioned Women's Aid.

In my mind Women's Aid = domestic violence = physical abuse. I have since found out that emotional abuse can be more damaging than physical abuse.

I feel so stupid. How can I have not realised what was going on? Why have I not been aware of the dangers of emotional abuse? So much is said about DV but it always seems to refer to the physical attacks and I always told myself "at least he doesn't hit me".

Does this sound familiar to anyone? I really feel the need to sit down and talk to other people who have been through the same thing and tried to get hold of a local support group but no one got back to me.

How easy would it be to start an awareness campaign? I keep thinking about how many other women could be going through the same thing without realising the damage it's doing.

Thanks if you're still here!

I used to go to bed at about 7.30 - 8pm to avoid him as well and because he made me feel so fucking tired

That strikes a chord with me too merrywidow, the being relieved when his attention was completely off me.

In the end i felt like i was encouraging him to sit in front of the playstation for hours as it meant he wasn't whining at me for sex for one or talking at me about stuff only he was interested in.

While at the same time I was resenting being ignored and not having anyone to talk to - totally schizophrenic really!

I always felt ill.

I even managed to get a NHS counsellor for depression. Stupid though, as he always used to pick me up afterwards, and i used to tell him what we'd discussed, as he'd asked out of 'concern'. Looking back, it wasn't - it was checking up on whether i'd worked out he was the cause..

I never did during that time, i talked about everything but him, he was my 'best friend', but my counsellor did suggest MN for a bit of female company during the last session, and here is where i began the process of realization!.

Thank god for MN.

Wow - your counsellor told you about MN Jellycst? That's amazing. I knew it was therapeutic here but still :)

Womdering if that's what was going on in ex partners head when he wanted to know what I'd talked about in my counselling (does she know it's meni mean)

He was far too self centred to keep his attention on me for longer than one sentence of any conversation though.

I used to dream of hearing such simple things as 'how was your day?' what do you think? 'Would you like?.......' etc

Oh and having him be interested in the answers of course. Never happened of course.

I ask myself now and I have to say I find myself suprisingly caring and interested in my answers most days

Well, I'm off to squeeze my self inflated head up the stairs to bed now.

Goognight all and thanks for allowing me to tap out my essays today :)

Meni? Damn gadgets who know better, should be me of course.

Bibi - to be fair it was her secretary who told her about MN.. seems she'd found some good advice on here

When i look back now, it astounds me how differently i see nearly every little thing that happened. Everything was done for completely different reasons to what i'd previously thought. It's shocking, and i'm reminded of things nearly every day.

Sleep well Bibi

I can't really talk about 'stuff'. I just cry. There are very few people who know what he did.

I want to move on. I can't see how I can move on because I cannot trust another man. I have a relationship but allowing him to get into my life is just dead dead scary. How do I do that? or am I just safest not doing it

Sorry....leaping in but first few posts from OP could have been me

I'm approaching 50 and realising that I lived most of my life as a lie with a man who abused me. It's left me financially distressed and emotionally crippled. I'm terrified my DD will make my mistakes.

I went through this when I was 19. Wore me down with insults and attacks on my character, stirred up trouble between me and my friends and family so I became more and more isolated, threatened and perpetrated varying degrees of violence, but never actually "hit" me. I too suddenly woke up - and look back on it and can't believe how I let it all happen - I too am an intelligent, educated and a strong-willed person, but he was a master manipulator. Glad you have seen the light and I really hope you find the strength to remove him form your life, or as close as you can to it if you have dcs with him.

I've been in two emotionally abusive relationships, one whereby I never even met the person but spent four years on the telephone talking for 18 hours a day, and the other my childrens father that lasted ten years, and that had me stuck being with someone I detested.

We always think it is us that causes the problem but it isn't, when someone calls you a slag because you breath it isn't because you are it is because they are an emotionally abusive wanker.

It's good to talk and get things out in the open with people you know, bear in mind though that some won't ever believe it.

I wish you luck in your endeavours and hope you are able to change the course of either your relationship or your life.

I'm nearly 48 Betty, the thing is we know now, we can recognise the signs- the 'red flags' now for the future.. that's such a good thing.

Coincidentally, we're discussing the effects on DC tomorrow, at WA. I'll come back and tell you what they say.

My exP used to accuse me of having sex with every man within a 10 mile radius, and then go on about how he had been chatting up other women and how he could have easily fucked them if he'd wanted to because they were well up for it. He also used to pressure me into sex when I really didn't want to. I once said I didn't want to have sex because I had thrush, and that resulted in a major "episode" as he refused to believe that I could have got thrush without catching it from someone - the "evidence" he needed that I had been sleeping around. This culminated in him chasing me out of his house, but then following me and dragging me back and making me sleep in my car outside his house where he could watch me from his window. He had the keys. Still, he never actually hit me...

JellyKat -I'd be really interested thank you

I contacted WA but they didn't return my call for quite a few days. When they did, they said they were short staffed and apologised. (I was really desperate for immediate help at that time) It just added to my feelings of being worthless or that I 'was making it up' and not a priority. I applied to the Freedom Programme but had to be referred by a social worker. The social worker was lovely but also didn't chase me up (very busy). The FP was only available in daytimes and there was no childcare so a working mum could not go. I chased her and in the end gave up, feeling like I was malingering or wasting everyone's time because he didn't hit me much and it had been quite a few yrs since he had. The police (who had attended a recent threatening episode) left me contact numbers... I rang and ...answer machine. When I left my details they called back and left a message on my answer machine saying this is *** police domestic violence unit responding to your message. I nearly vomited at the thought I wouldn't have been the person to pick this up.

All these things stopped me getting help. Sorry if this puts anyone else off getting help but I often read advice suggesting people get help and the lack of easily available help, reinforced the fact I was on my own with this.

I was holding down a professional job and trying to pretend this wasn't happening. I think police and WA could have coped had I been regularly beaten and not a 'professsional'. I needed to keep my job and I guess because I managed to get away from him without their help, you could argue their resources were better distributed. I'd rather they were honest in their publicity though. Expecting help and not getting it made me feel fraudulent and doubt my abuse. I can't even say what he did, for the shame of sticking around through it.

Betty we seem to have much in common. I too contacted WA. They took me through their risk assessment questions and as I was answering I thought "they're not going to take this seriously, it doesn't sound that bad". They said someone would get back to me regarding a support group but nothing happened.

Then I picked up a leaflet at our HV clinic and called the local number for Against Domestic Violence and Abuse. They took me through a similar risk assessment and told me I came out as 'high risk'. I'm now waiting for an outreach worker to contact me.

I'm terrified my DD will make my mistakes. Mine's only 1 but I too have these fears. I don't know how to tell her the warning signs without having to tell her what happened to me. I have no idea where her father is at the moment but I know he's going to want to see her growing up. If she grows up thinking he's wonderful I'm not sure how I'll cope with that.

Tell her the truth. Tell her he's wonderful in short doses but not to live with. And that some people are better at being fathers than at being partners.

Good advice Annie

Hi all

Just been catching up on the last few pages.
Simplesingledad:I think H would try to take the children, because I really want to move back to the part of the UK where my family and friends are, which is far enough away from where currently live (and technically in a different country!) that in order to visit, he'd probably have to catch a plane. Sorry, I'm being deliberately vague because I'm paranoid he'll figure out who I am on here.

I contacted woman's aid once, a few years back, after H had thrown his dinner across the room at me (it missed and hit the wall, could never get the stain out even after re-painting!), and then dragged me into the hall by my arm. My arm was all bruised from his fingers. He was cross because I asked for the car to go to a physiotherapy appointment. I told them what had happened, but because I'd tried to push him off me and I think even hit his face (I was really scared, i don't really remember), they said it was my fault too, for being violent towards him? I was mortified, I've never ever hit anyone in my life before, I don't know what came over me, kind of sheer panic really. Then I felt so ashamed (still do re-telling this) because I thought she must be picturing me like some poor woman off jeremy kyle.....

I ended up leaving him the same day, putting our children (then a baby and a toddler) in the car and just driving. I thought about going back to family, but I was too ashamed because I'd lashed out, so instead I drove about 40 miles, booked into a holiday inn for the night, and tried to think.did phone H to say we were OK, in a safe place, and would be back in the morning. It was awful! Went back the next day and he was sobbing and so, so sorry, and swore it would never happen again.

Admittedly, he has never physically abused me since; other than a couple of times during sex when he has been rough or persistently tried things I've told him i don't enjoy. Sometimes it feels as if he is not being loving but is 'marking his territory'. Does that make sense? Sorry if it's tmi!!

'marking his territory'; yes Snaildoodle, I understand that, if H had been away the first thing he wanted to do when he came in the door was have sex. Another mate of mine said her H did this and she felt like he was a dog pissing on her to mark his spot!

It's bedtime, so I'll be brief and be back

snail - if you mean you're concerned he'll abduct them if he gets wind that you're off, google Reunite - they have excellent advice (or pm me and I'll try to precis their info for you).

If you're concern is more the free-floating anxiety that his emotional abuse has caused, then try your best to see it as that - he wouldn't just get the kids because you're moving, you're their primary carer.

You have to be (extremely) dangerously rubbish as a parent and / or extremely obstructive of contact for him to get residency (custody as was) of the kids.

Betty Nosy and snaildoodle Your encounters with WA are beyond comprehension! - Referred by a social worker? not returning calls?

The FP is a 'rolling programme' so even if they couldn't book you in at that time, they should've offered you a place for the next!

Our WA building is a womens' drop in centre too, so anyone can turn up and have an immediate 1:1. I have stayed behind twice now for extra advice.

I'm so sorry you all had no support from them, on top of everything else.

We were given a survey today to complete, re. what improvements could be made to the service, do you mind if i show them this thread? maybe they can relay your experiences higher up?

Re. children - The main thing is that once out of the abusive household, children who have witnessed the abuse, can be helped, by turning around what they have come to think of as normal behaviour.
This can be achieved by -

1. Promoting emotional security be dependable, talk and act so that children feel safe and comfortable expressing themselves.
2. Provide physical security monitor safety, maintain a family routine.
3. Provide discipline be consistent, be clear about limits and expectations.
4. Give time participate in your childs' lives, include them in your activities, reveal who you are to your children.
5. Give affection express lots of verbal and physical affection, especially when they are hurting.
6. Care for yourself keep yourself healthy, maintain friendships, accept love.
7. Trust and respect acknowledge childrens' rights to have own feelings,friends and opinions, allow for privacy, believe your children, respect feelings for other parent.

Some of it is obvious, some like 'love yourself' tricky but if we don't do it, i guess we're not being positive role models.It's all about counteracting.

Hope it makes sense. x

snail i moved 4 hrs drive away,with the courts permission and an existing weekend contact order in place, to be nearer family. If you can establish the move is in the interest of your children, there really shouldn't be a problem.

JK I don't mind WA seeing my remarks. At the time it really did make things worse for me. I know the WA people are both busy and have their own lives but I felt really vulnerable at the time and making any contact felt dangerous. One woman at WA took all my details down (scary over the phone when you don't know who is seeing it).

She was obviously in a walk in centre and I heard her talking to the clients there with her (using their names) and wondered if they were reading what she'd written about me. They could obviously hear her side of the conversation. Having taken lots of personal info (benefits that I'm on - none? but keen to know this....drugs? etc) she then said I would be called back. I find being called back very difficult to manage because I'm either with my DC or at work - not a lot of private time is possible. I need to call them when I can snatch private time. If I'd known they'd take my info and arrange to call back I might never have left it. Anyway they didn't call back for over 7 days and then rang when I was at work with a colleague listening right next to me.

I was gutted and asked them to remove my details from their system. It felt like an utter betrayal and clumsily managed.

I don't understand, i have never been asked personal stuff like that.. surely calling back could be placing the victim in further danger?

That really was badly handled to say the least!

It must have been a really horrible experience for you Betty, and should never ever have happened.

Have you had any other form of help since, like Counselling?

I was told that asking all this personal stuff meant they were best able to see how they could help me because abusive men try and find your weakest spots so they find out what that might be first?

To do it over the phone at first contact was not 'ideal' from my pov.

To then end the call having gathered all that with a we'll get back to you.... well I felt gutted.

I saw my GP for counselling. He said there was a waiting list and it was probably 5 weeks before they called to triage me.

I did find all this very hard to bear and wondered if I was just 'demanding' and it added to the mental turmoil of questioning whether he was right all along. Validated him and made me feel worse.

That was last year. I have moved on with good friends and would never ever go back to WA. I'm sure they are good. I'm rural and suspect the local set up is just 'unique'

Jelly I don't mind either. I'm sure there was a good explanation or maybe I was being too impatient, but as you might have gathered from my posts I've really felt the need to communicate with someone who understands and I just felt a bit let down.

I've just spent the morning tidying and cleaning like a mad thing. DD and I are off to my parents' for a couple of nights and the minute we get back on Sunday morning H will be here to see DD.

It's pathetic but I've been imagining him looking critically around the house to check that I'm keeping it clean enough for DD (he verged on OCD with being clean).

She's also got the remains of a massive shiner where she head butted the door frame last weekend and I'm panicking about him noticing it and grilling me about what happened (he threathened to report me to the HV/SS when I caught her finger whislt cutting her nails once).

When will I emerge from his spell and not care what he thinks?