Emotional abuse

[NosyRosie]

I am an educated, fairly intelligent woman but I only recently discovered that I have been living in an emotionally abusive marriage.

I thought it was just the way he was and that I had to be understanding and try to keep him calm and happy in order to live a half normal life.

I never dreamed of telling my friends or family what he was really like because it was important to me that they liked him.

The last straw came on 15th April (his birthday incidentally) when his behaviour was so shocking that it was the last straw. I genuinely thought I was going mad (seeds sown by him) and phoned my HV in a state. She asked me if I was being harmed and mentioned Women's Aid.

In my mind Women's Aid = domestic violence = physical abuse. I have since found out that emotional abuse can be more damaging than physical abuse.

I feel so stupid. How can I have not realised what was going on? Why have I not been aware of the dangers of emotional abuse? So much is said about DV but it always seems to refer to the physical attacks and I always told myself "at least he doesn't hit me".

Does this sound familiar to anyone? I really feel the need to sit down and talk to other people who have been through the same thing and tried to get hold of a local support group but no one got back to me.

How easy would it be to start an awareness campaign? I keep thinking about how many other women could be going through the same thing without realising the damage it's doing.

Thanks if you're still here!

buster'smummy, oh yeah, my x is very nice when he's getting his own way. problem was, his way was to treat me like an unpaid slave, feed off me emotionally and financially like a vulture for 8 years and for me not to ever challege that, assert myself, ask for a compromise, ask for help with the children.....

bitsnbobs, I will never ever ignore that voice now. In fact I may be too connected to it. A shop keeper was saying some really alarm bell things when I was in a shop recently and I was very sharp in reply to him. BUT he is nothing to do with me. He is a shopkeeper in a shop I rarely go into. So I might need to turn the volume down on the voice now!!

It sounds really daft now, but for a long time I had in my bag a list of the warning signs (of an abusive relationship) and I had ticked the ones he did to me, which was about two thirds of them. It really helped remind me that I wasn't going crazy. I was using that bag again recently and found the old list and I remembered how it gave me the certainty that no I was not being 'cold', ruthless, a bitch, breaking up a family on a whim etc etc and all the other nonsense he tried to make me believe (and his family do believe it).

I apologise for this hijack, I have posted in relationships under the title of 'struggling with the effects of dh's stress' and could really do with some advice, as nobody has replied.
Given what I have read here I can't possibly compare with what some of you ladies have experienced, but I need some perspective. sorry again

Something to bear in mind if you are living with an emotional abuser is: they often tell you that everyone else thinks they are wonderful and you are a mad bitch, and everyone will side with the abuser if you leave.
This is almost always NOT TRUE. People are not wanting to interfere, or they are putting up with the abuser because they don't want to be on the wrong end of his bullying. But abusers are horrible people and most other people do tend to detect that, or at least detect there is something not quite right about the abuser, that his public face is a bit phoney, or they cuaght him doing something unpleasant at some point (being rude to a receptionist or something like that).

Allalone, I had a weird feeling from the start as well. Looking back I got together with XP just 3 months after I split from my boyfriend before him, at the time I thought I was really sorted and that I'd had a long enough break but I really hadn't. Things weren't quite right from very early on but I just kept thinking about how hard it had been to break up with ex-bf (as I still loved him) and I didn't think I could bring myself to end it with XP, I thought it would just break me, so I stuck with it and hoped things would get better. My mum just kept telling him I had to love the person he was and also that you can change a person's behaviour by the way you react to them.

Isla I'll go and have a look :) please don't worry about "not being bad enough" - the only acceptable level of abuse is NONE.

snaildoodle - what makes you think he'd be able to take the kids away?

You're their primary carer, so you're waaaay ahead of him there already.

More often than not, the ex's abusiveness will become self-evident during the glare and microscope of court - there are many, many posters who will confirm this.

In my own case, at the first court hearing my ex showed herself to be very together and mature by way of being told off four times by the court / judge, sucking on a lollypop (no, really), and walking out before the judge gave her decision, saying (quietly but audibly) fuck this...

She got a little better at presenting herself in court after that, but still managed to tell obvious lie after obvious lie before she'd finally tell the truth, just as she does at any other time.

It's part of the script, innit. Your children will be taken away because you are such a bad mother, as witness the fact you are a bad spouse and mad to boot. After all, only a loony could want to leave them, so fabulous as they are, right?

Fortunately, in most cases, wrong.

Hello all.

I've just had a missed call from my old best friend (male) who I lost as a result of being with H. A mutual friend has told him I've recently split with H and now he obviously wants to see if I'm ok. I'm suddenly feeling very emotional about it all and so grateful that he wants to contact me.

It was in losing this friend that I should have seen it coming. Like several other posters I had a niggling feeling all along which started with H stopping me from having contact with a number of my close male friends.

We were at a wedding once before we were married and I was having a really good chat with this old male friend. H didn't like it and started calling me names. This was the first time the name calling had happened and I was very upset and got very pissed. We got separated when all the taxis were taking us home and I was so angry with him I went back to the hotel alone. When he finally got back himself he grabbed my hair and pulled me across the bed.

That was the first of only two occasions he has hurt me physically. Two months later he proposed and I stupidly said yes. He knew I wanted to get married. Looking back if I'm completely honest (and I'm not sure I'd ever be able to admit this in RL) I think I just wanted to be married and have a wedding. The fact that he was the man in my life at the time when all my friends were settling down meant that he was the one I'd marry IYSWIM. I thought that if I didn't marry him it would take ages to find someone else and I was so desperate for a family. He said he proposed because he knew that he'd lose me if he didn't marry me and he couldn't bear that.

I've no doubt many of my friends still remember that wedding and wonder why on earth I stayed with him.

Nosy -

I ended up with hardly any friends left, and the few I did have left were very precious.

All our socialising ended up being done with his friends and colleagues, where I felt under pressure to "conform" and play wifey

It's so different now, I can't explain it except to say that the old me is back and I feel like I've had a ton weight lifted off my shoulders.

buster I've been using the same expression - the weight's been lifted. I've never lived near my friends (went to boarding school so we're all spread out) so regular socialising was never an option anyway.

H always banged on about the fact that we didn't need friends because we had each other. We NEVER went out as a couple. He would always find excuses not to go somewhere. When one of my bridesmaids got married I had to lie to her about him having to work and I went on my own. He HATES my friends. Luckily for me they're a stubborn bunch and haven't given up on me.

Nosy - we never ever went out.

One of my lightbulb moments was going to my friend's wedding on my own.

She really bullied me into it- I wasn't going to go because he was having a strop about me going - he wouldn't go but damned if I was going to be "allowed" to go

Actually, it was very empowering - I did it on my own, my friends were lovely and I had a great time.

My best times were always when he wasn't there.

I had the best night - I was just relaxed and silly (and I was driving and I don't really drink anyway so I wasn't drunk)

And even driving home an hour and a half, leaving at 2am, I was singing and silly the whole way, until I got nearer and nearer to home.

He has never ever asked me if I had a good night.

I've just spoken to my wonderful old best male friend. He was incredible. I told him so much that I haven't told other people. He was very honest about how he's always felt about H and I'm grateful for that honesty.

He's invited me to a MASSIVE party at his parents' MASSIVE house where all my old friends will be! I can't stop smiling!!

(H never asked me if I'd had a good time either and he'd shut me up if I went on about it too much)

Oh god, if only I'd had access to the red flag list when dating XH. All the isolating from friends and family (not always successful, but I let him get away with far too much) and the throwing a huge strop if I were looking in any way comfortable in the same room as a male person... he even threw a massive strop on our wedding night and we then had to spend the night on a single camp bed (long story) while trying not to touch each other, which wasn't easy. Everyone thought I was either hung over or well shagged in the morning because I looked so peaky... I thought the poor lamb was insecure.

Better stop thinking about it tbh, it makes me so . Like the OP, I feel so stupid. At least I'm in very good company. (I heard tell, friend of a friend sort of thing, of a clinical psychologist who helped abused women, who suddenly realised she'd been emotionally abused in her own home for twelve years without making the connection. There's a lot of it about.)

Hope you have a great time at the party, NosyRosie, and make sure you update your address book.

SundayRose10, my x abused me financially in the following ways

1. co-erced me into giving up my job
2. transfered a tiny amount of money into my account each month - no joint account
3. I had to put groceries on a credit card in MY name which he then pored over each month and I had to defend every expenditure
4. he wouldn't get a mortgage with me 'because [he] could borrow more alone'
5. I had to use up my savings because he wouldn't give me any money 6)He had me paying the council tax and contributing towards work to the house from my savings even though the house was HIS

Now that I've left him he would chop his own hands off before he would give us any money.

mine never got stroppy about me seeing friends or tried to stop me- so I thought this 'trying to isolate me' didnt apply--but the same as you guys, he would never go anywhere with me- never visit friends or come to parties or weddings etc. I dont mind doing stuff on my own, but it used to get really humiliating to continually make excuses where I was by myself. A friend remarked recently that in the 6 years we have known each other, my dh has never accepted an invitation to their house

I'm so grateful for this thread. I still read the relationship section of MN every day in an effort to understand what happened to me.

Ex p was so supposey laid back but that was merely code for 'checked out of living years ago'

The anger at him totally ignoring, dismissing and often ridicouling (sp) me is only just coming to the surface now.

Also, whenever there was anything to be paid for he would make sure to weasel out of it so I was left paying for the majority of our food, holidays, entertainment, extra bills was paid by me.

Yet I'm still worrying about making sure all is fair for him now we've split (returning half the rented house deposit where I still live etc)

Not to mention the constant whining and coercion where sex was concerned.

It's only through the help of MN I've learned that im not obliged to keep a man happy sexual or otherwise as this seems to have been branded on my psyche from birth.

Men are more important, their needs come first, women are weak and feeble, not to mention illogical incapable of rational argument and over emotional.

Thank heavens im finally able to question and reject that sort of bullshit.

Sorry for the lengthy rant, my experience certainly isn't anywhere near as bad most posters here - hats off to you all!!

Bibi I think you've put that so well and it certainly rings bells with me.

I seem to have hit the brick wall that I was expecting. I knew the adrenaline (or whatever has been keeping me going these last 4 weeks) would run out at some point and now I think it's happened.

I've been replaying the conversation I had last night with my old male friend. He witnessed the behaviour that should have rung alarm bells 6 years ago. He knew exactly what H was up to and has apparently been making his feelings clear to our other friends for ages.

Now my head is swimming:

-why didn't my friends shake me at the time and make me see what was going on years ago?

-if they could see it, why couldn't I?

-will the shame and embrarrassment ever end and will I actually be able to relax in their company without thinking that they think badly of me in some way for being such a prat?

How do I keep going?

Thanks for the link btw valium

Good point about it being branded into our psyches to 'please'.

So there we were, bending over so far backwards to please that our backs were breaking and yet, the 'partners' will only notice the other stuff we could also be doing for them, and berate us for not doing that for them too!!

ALL the compromise is one way. All the support is one way. All the 'pleasing' is one way. And even when it is going one way only, the 'partners' will be accutely aware of what you're not doing for them. They don't recognise or notice what is done for them because they take that for granted. That is their 'due'. So they will never appreciate you turning yourself into a vacuum for them.

It's a hell of a conjurers trick we play on ourselves at times NosyRosie.

Think it's incredibly difficult for friends and outsiders to tell you you're being mistreated, especially when there have been no 'pointers' or openers into a conversation that would allow an outsider to comment.

I recently had experience of this with a friend of mine whose husband has been emotionally abusing her since they got married over 10 years ago.

Since I've had my own wake up call to the behaviours of these sorts of men (through MN) I tried to tell her what I was seeing her husband doing to her.

She didn't take it well at all, in fact ended up really angry at me. We parted as friends still and I sent her off with my copy of the Lundy Bancroft book but not sure any of it's having an impact.

I'm waffling and not explaining very well, sorry. I bet you any money your friends have been worrying and caring about your situation for years but just felt helpless in what to do.

Denial can be very strong - sometimes I feel that I'm only just really admitting to myself just how much I was 'duped' for want of a better word by the last ex. It's understandable to a degree I guess since it feels like we have so much invested in our relationships.

"-will the shame and embrarrassment ever end and will I actually be able to relax in their company without thinking that they think badly of me in some way for being such a prat?"

There's no way they'll be thinking any of that, if they're good friends they'll just be so happy that you're out of that situation.

The shame and embarassment can and hopefully will turn into knowledge and therefore new strength for you.

It wasn't your fault, you're a good person who tried to do the best she could with the knowledge you had available to you at the time.

Keep reading up and posting on here for a start, I find it really helpful and eye opening.

I found cognitive dissonance a very interesting concept, explaining why we put up with such things and even persuade ourselves we like it.

I too would get defensive of XH if other people started having a go. Nowadays I get in first with the boot because I don't reckon anyone else has as much right to slag him off as I do! I measure the healing process by the decreasing number of times I feel the need to say anything about him at all. Unfortunately MN stirs up far too many memories so it's probably not all that good for me.

Oh absolutely, because friends will sense if their friends bf/husband is supportive of them and their happiness or if that man is just feeding off them like a vulture.

There can be an acknowledgment sometimes that you're not my kind of person and i'm not you're kind of person (!) but I can see that you do love your wife, and you can see that I am a good friend to your wife.

I put so much effort into pretending my x was a normal man and that the relationship was normal but it turns out that I had not fooled anybody afterall. I put so much effort into covering for him, begging him to attend such and such an event, hoping he wouldn't say something nasty/weird/inappropriate so that people wouldn't 'know' how weird he was. But they knew anyway!! so the energies I put into maintaining that facade were for nothing. I should have channelled those energies into starting again sooner.