Page 5 | Emotional abuse

NosyRosie · 2011-05-09T19:38:16+00:00

I am an educated, fairly intelligent woman but I only recently discovered that I have been living in an emotionally abusive marriage. I thought it was just the way he was and that I had to be understanding and try to keep him calm and happy in order to live a half normal life. I never dreamed of telling my friends or family what he was really like because it was important to me that they liked him. The last straw came on 15th April (his birthday incidentally) when his behaviour was so shocking that it was the last straw. I genuinely thought I was going mad (seeds sown by him) and phoned my HV in a state. She asked me if I was being harmed and mentioned Women's Aid. In my mind Women's Aid = domestic violence = physical abuse. I have since found out that emotional abuse can be more damaging than physical abuse. I feel so stupid. How can I have not realised what was going on? Why have I not been aware of the dangers of emotional abuse? So much is said about DV but it always seems to refer to the physical attacks and I always told myself "at least he doesn't hit me". Does this sound familiar to anyone? I really feel the need to sit down and talk to other people who have been through the same thing and tried to get hold of a local support group but no one got back to me. How easy would it be to start an awareness campaign? I keep thinking about how many other women could be going through the same thing without realising the damage it's doing. Thanks if you're still here!

notoriginal · 09/05/2011 22:25

So true millie, for all I had put up with, when he hit my dd that was it for me. Well done, good luck with the court stuff I really hope they stop the contact and you can live in peace with dc.

bejeezus · 09/05/2011 22:26

i cant imagine ever being with anyone ever again

bustersmummy · 09/05/2011 22:27

Beejeezus - I thought that too but DP kind of snuck in under all my defences

notoriginal · 09/05/2011 22:28

Me neither bejeezus but I'm starting uni in September, I'm determined he hasn't ruined my life.

circlehead · 09/05/2011 22:30

macdoodle - I can pinpoint the (first) exact moment that I should have walked out of his flat without a second glance. Of course, there were plenty more after that. Never again though! In fact, I regularly fantasise about walking out on a date with someone when I spot a red flag!!

bustersmummy · 09/05/2011 22:31

good for you Notoriginal

SimpleSingleDad · 09/05/2011 22:36

Millie - I pm'd you, and now realise we've kinda cross posted... d'oh. I get what you're saying about guilt - you might as well see the process through, if for no other reason than you can hold your head high with your DS and say you did all that was asked of you and the creature was just too damaged and ill to be able to be part of his life.

mamas12 · 09/05/2011 22:39

wow yes I too asked the mw at the hospital if I could stay. I even said said I won't eat much, just some toast every now and again and I was serious.

She just thought it was 'the baby blues' talking sigh.
Also had the anger directed at me for being ill, I mean hospitalised illness. Demanding I answer a question immediately and storming off because I didn't... I was mid retch and physically couldn't speak. Bastard, I don't know how and why but as others have said I have two gorgeous dcs now and they are beginning to suss him out alright.

Ladymaryjane · 09/05/2011 22:42

.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 09/05/2011 22:45

Millie: that's awful. Speak to Women's AId and the local DV unit and any source of advice you can, to say that this man is still abusing you. Refuse all the gifts - tell the centre staff to give them to charity. You should be able to argue that as the contact is so distressing for both you and your DS that it should be stopped for the moment: this man is using contact to harass you and you should not be compelled to see or speak to him at all if you don't want to.

bustersmummy · 09/05/2011 22:46

SCGB - good advice

millie30 · 09/05/2011 22:51

Thanks Springchicken, it's a very difficult situation to be in, I feel like I have to balance my sanity with legal implications and my DS's right to see his father. I think it may well do me some good to have a bit of support from Women's Aid again so I will take that advice.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 09/05/2011 22:57

Millie: I just looked at your other thread. I really don't think you would get into trouble for putting a stop to contact given how much harassment this man has put you through and the fact that he can't be trusted to behave around DS. He sounds completely nuts, so it shouldn't be too difficult to get him pretty much out of your lives. There are a couple of other posters on here who have crazy XPs who they are able to keep at some distance, because the men are too nuts to behave themselves even in front of a judge, therefore helpfully providing good evidence that they should not be accommodated.

millie30 · 09/05/2011 23:05

SpringChicken yes he is nuts, I've been reassured that he will not get unsupervised contact, but I get the impression from the courts that as long as contact is supervised it is safe and not causing damage. I don't want to hijack the thread, I'm just genuinely unsure what to do or how to cope with it. He has lost his temper in front of the judge a couple of times, and has made some ridiculous and irrational demands in court that haven't gone down well. In some ways I should be grateful that it is supervised and I don't have to send DS off to his house every other weekend, but its a bit raw today and I'm feeling sorry for myself!

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 10/05/2011 00:41

Millie: but the contact is causing damage, because it is distressing your son and allowing this man to buse you. Given that the contact centre people have written records of the man's abusive behaviour and incompetence at parenting, you should be able to push harder for a reduced level of contact and even cutting him right out of your lives because he is an abusive wanker. How can it be seen as 'good' for your DS to have to spend time with a nutter who can't care for him properly?
Honestly, men like your XP may squeal about their 'rights' but all the professionals will back you up on saying that this man has forfetied his rights by his own behaviour, and that contact with him is detrimental to DS - and your rights not to have anything to do with the man matter too.

bejeezus · 10/05/2011 11:45

morning ladies. I was wondering if any of you can relate to these feelings;

The 'abuse' that I have received has not really been violent and quite subtle, as I said.

Sometimes I am sure I have been abused and other times, I think I am exagerating and I have just been in a very tedious and dysfunctional/ unhappy marriage for so long that it ust FEELS like abuse. I havent behaved impecably myself- I have screamed and shouted and name called. And I used to thump him in the arm when he came home drunk (I did get slapped around the head for this. I did also get my hair pulled and kicked when I was pregnant, but I feel like I provoked this with my banshee type wailing). He would never seek me out to fight me. Even the verbal/emotional abuse only really happened if I challenged him on his selfish behaviours.

I mean, clearly it is toxic and horrid, but have I actually been ABUSED? wasnt I equally to blame for what has happened? I didnt communicate in a very constructive way etc etc.

I have got LB book and his personality does fit a profile (I forget what its called now--the entitled 1) but sometimes I think this is just a coincidence. We are culturally different too and sometimes I wonder if that is a contributory factor

Allalone0 · 10/05/2011 13:47

NosyRosie You are definitely not alone. I had been abused for years, and didn't realise it, although my gut instinct was VERY VERY strong that something wasn't right.
I felt right from the beginning of our marriage that 'This is NOT how it should be'.

Sad to say I was right, but I just didn't know what I could do or where i could turn to?
I also didn't want to let my mum down, aswell as the fact that i was pregnant 3mths into marriage (which was on his insistance, as i wanted to wait).
I felt trapped, when i just wanted to be free, i went on to live with him for 13 years and have 3 kids, in total with him.

I took all the shit he gave me, made feel like absolute crap!
i thought i was mad, and 'JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH'. My mum would side with him in arguments, which made matters worse as I trusted her judgement, and thought that if she is siding with him over me, then there MUST be something wrong with ME.

She would also say, that 'at least he doesn't hit you, and at least he's not as bad as your dad.' and 'He does give you money doesn't he'.

Seems I was being abused by him AND my mum, without knowing it!! :(

He would play alot of 'mind games'.
These type of men are VERY clever, they are able to abuse you in this way without you even realising whats happeneing.

I was staying with him for the 'sake of the kids', I didnt want to take them away from their dad. And although I was isolated and completely miserable, I was prepared to stay with him.
Just until they were old enough, and they began their own lives, and didnt need me anymore. I would fantasise about the day I could get a flat somewhere and move out and live in peace.

The last straw was when I began to suspect something wasn't right about him and our only dd. I felt strong suspicions that he was abusing her, and spoke to relevant organisations regarding this. and then decided that although I was prepared to put up with whatever he does to me.
I CANNOT tolerate him hurting my babies.

So he left me with No choice but to leave him, and so I separated almost 2 years ago. He had and is still trying to get me to Ignore my better judgment and listen to him, in other words 'get back with him'.

He has tried to convince me with words, threats, violence and with gifts etc....
I think he feels he's losing control and so is becoming desperate and resorts to whatever he thinks may work.
I have tried to stand my ground and as I feel alot better off without him, I say no. But its hard when I still see him , every other day as he comes to see the kids.
But i do think I also won't be able to have a 'normal' relationship with anyone, it feels hard to trust again. :(
He doesn't want me to be with anyone else, even if I'm not with him.
It's hard but it takes a VERY VERY l;ong time as I had been treated like this for a very long time, so its prob gonna take as long to get back some sort of normality.

Hang on in there OP, just reaslising that 'WE CAN'T CHANGE THEM, BUT WE CAN CHANGE THE FACT THAT WE ARE IN THAT SITUATION' does help somewhat.

bustersmummy · 10/05/2011 13:52

Allalone0 - that's exactly what it was like for me, except I was pregnant when i got married. I always knew it should be different.

Allalone0 · 10/05/2011 13:56