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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional abuse

227 replies

NosyRosie · 09/05/2011 20:38

I am an educated, fairly intelligent woman but I only recently discovered that I have been living in an emotionally abusive marriage.

I thought it was just the way he was and that I had to be understanding and try to keep him calm and happy in order to live a half normal life.

I never dreamed of telling my friends or family what he was really like because it was important to me that they liked him.

The last straw came on 15th April (his birthday incidentally) when his behaviour was so shocking that it was the last straw. I genuinely thought I was going mad (seeds sown by him) and phoned my HV in a state. She asked me if I was being harmed and mentioned Women's Aid.

In my mind Women's Aid = domestic violence = physical abuse. I have since found out that emotional abuse can be more damaging than physical abuse.

I feel so stupid. How can I have not realised what was going on? Why have I not been aware of the dangers of emotional abuse? So much is said about DV but it always seems to refer to the physical attacks and I always told myself "at least he doesn't hit me".

Does this sound familiar to anyone? I really feel the need to sit down and talk to other people who have been through the same thing and tried to get hold of a local support group but no one got back to me.

How easy would it be to start an awareness campaign? I keep thinking about how many other women could be going through the same thing without realising the damage it's doing.

Thanks if you're still here!

OP posts:
Original poster
NosyRosie · 09/05/2011 21:41

Good point Simple

OP posts:
SimpleSingleDad · 09/05/2011 21:42

millie30 - have you spoken to CAFCASS about the possibility of moving to indirect contact? It's horrendous that you still have to put up with his abuse. Or at very least, can you DS be taken to the contact centre by someone else so that you don't have to deal with him?

macdoodle · 09/05/2011 21:42

God bejeezus, exactly the same here, I am clawing my way out of debt from his failed business, his new cars, his flat in Spain, his daily pub trips. All in my name. I feel so stupid, no idea how I let him do it.
He has swanned away scot free and wants to know what I spent all the money on. We are going to court on Friday finally 4yrs down the line, am shit scared.

Original poster
NosyRosie · 09/05/2011 21:45

I'm on my 3rd glass of Wine since starting this thread (Blush)

I'm so grateful for your responses. I've doubted myself a lot since I left him, wondering if I imagined it or if people would think I was over reacting when I told them what had happened.

My dad came with me to a solicitor the other day. She asked me to explain in detail what his 'unreasonable behaviour' was. I had to ask my dad to leave the room because I couldn't bear for him to hear what had been going on. He's half the siz of H but I know he'd swing for him if he heard what I had to say.

My family are all 3+ hours away and they worry about me. They dont' want me to protect them by keeping things to myself but it's so hard to tell the people who love you the most what someone else has done.

OP posts:
Original poster
NosyRosie · 09/05/2011 21:47

siz? That'll be the Wine!

OP posts:
bustersmummy · 09/05/2011 21:47

And Nosy, so much of it is insidious confidence sapping stuff that is like drip drip water torture.

Have a

And I don't care if it's un-MNetty so there!

Original poster
NosyRosie · 09/05/2011 21:48

Drip drip is exactly the phrase I used the other day.

All un-MN hugs gratefully received!

OP posts:
bustersmummy · 09/05/2011 21:49

It'll be two years on the 12th of this month since I left.

bejeezus · 09/05/2011 21:49

lol...when you see it written down, it seems ludicris to have put up with it!! but it says alot i think about how good they are at fooling us- to do it again and again.

My husband wants his share of the house equity before he will moves out Shock Hmm Confused Angry Wine

really really good luck in court on friday macdoddle- i will be thinking of you.

BertieBotts · 09/05/2011 21:50

Oh buster, that's so true! Such a big part of how you lose friends. I don't think I considered that, actually, I also found I just didn't have the emotional energy to support friends who were going through crises, I was upset by my inability to deal with this, but I'm ashamed to say I just avoided them. Luckily some of them understood later on, but some never came back and I don't blame them at all. And this was not even considering all the subtle ways XP would discourage me from seeing my friends.

Financial abuse - XP used to refuse to buy food because we "couldn't afford it" and "they don't send bailiffs round if you go without food" but then would magically get £30 from a job he'd done and buy us a takeaway. So I'd be sitting in the house while pregnant with no food all day waiting for him to get home. Also things like we had a joint account which I had the card, but he had the PIN, supposed to mean that we only ever spent that money on joint things, but then he used to take the card to work with him and spend it. He used to insist I made an equal contribution to bills when I wasn't earning as much as him, and even when I was on maternity allowance (well, he had to relent then, as half of the bills was more than I had)

However he wasn't that bad for financial abuse, I've heard of a lot worse cases. My friend used to have to beg her P for deodorant in the supermarket :( and he refused her money for things like new bras when hers didn't fit any more, and things like if he gave her some money to spend on a day out she'd go out and buy something and be really chuffed and show him and he'd say "That's stupid, what did you spend your money on that for?" It used to break my heart, she'd go around really carefully portioning out this miserly £10 or whatever he'd deemed appropriate, and buy something for her and always something nice for her DS because she felt guilty about spending on herself, and then he would just go and ruin any pleasure she got out of it :( He didn't even work either so I don't know why he got to call the shots! He also used to fritter their money away on alcohol and then be really miserly about the rest of it saying they couldn't afford to waste it. Their DS was on semi skimmed milk from 1 year because he said that full cream tasted shit and he wasn't buying it Hmm

millie30 · 09/05/2011 21:51

Hi SimpleSingleDad, I requested indirect contact at our last hearing but funding was found for the one to one supervision. I have been told that I need to be present because often I have to take my DS into the room and get him settled because he gets very upset.

I actually posted here a couple of months ago, as I had to spend the entire 2 hours in the room with them whilst my ex kept asking me questions about my personal life, tried to take photos of me(!) and kept calling me babe. He also passes on gifts and cards through the staff which he has been asked not to do, but says they are fron DS and I am being churlish to refuse them.

The staff said that if I didn't help accomodate the contact it could reflect badly on me, as they can only get DS in the room with my help, but today I ended up in tears with the director of the centre and I am hoping they will start to realise how difficult it is. I am physically sick before I attend, and am losing clumps of hair from the stress. I wish I had the guts to refuse to comply any more, but I am very intimidated by the court process and not very assertive.

valiumbandwitch · 09/05/2011 21:53

My financial abuse situation was that I was bullied into giving up my job. Then I used up all my savings when I was on maternity leave. Then I had to put all the groceries etc on a credit card in my name which he pored over before paying each month.

When i was working I paid the council tax and for the groceries on his house, he wouldn't get a joint mortgage with me because i earnt 'too little' and he reckoned he could borrow more on his own (not sure about that).

So when I did leave, I left with nothing. No share of the house, no savings, no income or pension because I'd been bullied into giving up my job. AND a debt on my credit card for food I'd bought cooking him dinners.

So he completely financially screwed me, fed off me. I made ALL the sacrifices for parenthood and he made NONe AND YET he thought I should be grateful to him for putting a roof over my head, as though I were a liability.

BUT,.,,,,,, I have recovered. I have saved some money. I will bounce back. I will buy a house one day.

bustersmummy · 09/05/2011 21:53
valiumbandwitch · 09/05/2011 21:54

I know, when you type it out you can't believe you tolerated it.

bejeezus · 09/05/2011 21:55

i really relate to what people are saying about having created a facade...i'm so scared I wont be able to return to being myself again. but I guess that takes time. I feel so angry to think thta I have been almost retarded by my relationship - what a waste.

Another overwhelming feeling is guilt-- for the kids- for giving them such a horrid dad and for giving them a broken home.

I also still feel guilty for him Confused- i STILL feel thta I could have done things differently and sad for him that he has to leave his home and his kids. Which is fecking ridiculous because he never spends anytime in his home or with his kids anyway. Arrrrr...maybe I am actually mental

Original poster
NosyRosie · 09/05/2011 21:56

Millie I really feel for you, it must be so hard. I'm afraid I have no advice, but have a big instead.

OP posts:
macdoodle · 09/05/2011 21:58

Dont worry I felt sorry and guilty for him for years after he left. In fact I continued to pay his mortgage and bills for 2 years Shock
And even now I get the odd pang of guilt, but it doesnt last long anymore :)

millie30 · 09/05/2011 21:58

Thankyou NosyRosie, it is actually quite therapeutic to write it all down, and get it out of my head a bit!

Original poster
NosyRosie · 09/05/2011 21:59

Lots of guilt here too bejeezus, although I've no idea why.

I worry I'm going to suddenly hit a brick wall. I feel like I've had such a weight lifted from my shoulders, loads of people say I'm like a different person. What if that's just a temporary reaction? Will the adrenalin fade? Will I suddenly crumple? I'm not sure I'm strong enough to cope with any kind of breakdown.

OP posts:
notoriginal · 09/05/2011 22:01

Thanks to all posting here, it's amazing how many have shared the same experiences and go through same emotions.

Once you're out, not saying it's easy but never as bad as living with the abuse.

SimpleSingleDad · 09/05/2011 22:02

Oh, millie.

What the staff say is technically correct, but is there anyway that they would be willing to write a report about what is happening?

Especially with the effect the contact is having on you and most importantly on your DS?

valiumbandwitch · 09/05/2011 22:02

bejeezus, I think you will be able to return to your old self. I feel like me again now. I think it took me over two years though.

I feel that guilt that my children's father is a mean bully too. He is like the guy who wouldn't pay for nappies. He literally would set money on fire before he'd give a penny to me for the children.

nosierosie, i know what you mean. My dad was baffled, horrified and appalled that somebody could have treated a woman so badly, and that 'woman' was his daughter. Very hard for them. Even when we are adults.

Original poster
NosyRosie · 09/05/2011 22:02

I gave a third of my life to him. I've done just 2 things in that time that I'm actually proud of and that I did for myself: 1. became a teacher, 2. had DD.

Does anyone else ever look back at the moment they met their X and wish they'd never taken that next step? Part of me wishes I'd never gone near him, but if I hadn't I wouldn't have DD who is just the most amazing thing on this earth.

I find that very hard to deal with.

OP posts:
millie30 · 09/05/2011 22:04

Absolutely, notoriginal. I can remember my first night at the refuge. I was sleeping on the bottom of a very uncomfortable bunkbed, with my DS in a borrowed travel cot, with just a few possessions in a bin bag. And it was the most relaxed and peaceful I could remember feeling in years!

bejeezus · 09/05/2011 22:04

im actually having quite a strange reaction from my mum...which has made it really hard for me to go through with the divorce.

she seems to have taken his side--she really pities my 'd'h and blames me for his behaviour- it has been very confusing and i have no idea why she feels like this