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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Emotional abuse

227 replies

NosyRosie · 09/05/2011 20:38

I am an educated, fairly intelligent woman but I only recently discovered that I have been living in an emotionally abusive marriage.

I thought it was just the way he was and that I had to be understanding and try to keep him calm and happy in order to live a half normal life.

I never dreamed of telling my friends or family what he was really like because it was important to me that they liked him.

The last straw came on 15th April (his birthday incidentally) when his behaviour was so shocking that it was the last straw. I genuinely thought I was going mad (seeds sown by him) and phoned my HV in a state. She asked me if I was being harmed and mentioned Women's Aid.

In my mind Women's Aid = domestic violence = physical abuse. I have since found out that emotional abuse can be more damaging than physical abuse.

I feel so stupid. How can I have not realised what was going on? Why have I not been aware of the dangers of emotional abuse? So much is said about DV but it always seems to refer to the physical attacks and I always told myself "at least he doesn't hit me".

Does this sound familiar to anyone? I really feel the need to sit down and talk to other people who have been through the same thing and tried to get hold of a local support group but no one got back to me.

How easy would it be to start an awareness campaign? I keep thinking about how many other women could be going through the same thing without realising the damage it's doing.

Thanks if you're still here!

OP posts:

notoriginal · 09/05/2011 22:05

I daydream I could go back and warn my 19yo self.

I cope by telling myself my lovely dc would have been who they are with any dad.

macdoodle · 09/05/2011 22:06

So many times very early on, my spider sense was tingling, telling me to walk away. But gradually he sucked me in, until I thought it was all normal, and it was all me.
I can pin point the exact moment I should have walked away.
But then I look at my 2 daughters, and I have them because of him, inspite of him. So I look back at that moment, and I don't regret not walking away.

bustersmummy · 09/05/2011 22:06

My Mum and Dad I don't see anymore - lots of reasons, but a lot to do with them believing him. And I was the "scapegoat" in the family growing up, and I think I replicated that with XH, if that makes any sense?

valiumbandwitch · 09/05/2011 22:08

NosyRosie, I think it's wise to realise that it's going to be a journey. You'll feel elation and then confusion and anger and a million other things before you wake up one day and think to yourself, I will never forget that but I am over it.

In my opinion understand it is key. It just helps you realise that it was never about you. Google narcissist personality disorder sites and see what strikes a chord. There are some really good sites.

Original poster

NosyRosie · 09/05/2011 22:08

bejeezus and buster I'm sorry. I don't know what I'd do without my parents now. Relationships have been strained over the years but they're coming through for me now in the most amazing way. I'm very lucky in that sense.

OP posts:

Original poster

NosyRosie · 09/05/2011 22:10

Thanks valium, I'll look into it, and I'll also get the book.

I promised myself a really early night and I haven't quite managed it so I think I might go now. Hopefully we'll still be here tomorrow evening though.

Thanks all and good luck to those still struggling with it.

It's nice to know we're not alone...

OP posts:

valiumbandwitch · 09/05/2011 22:11

yeah macdoodle, my spidey senses were tingling early on too. But like you I have two children who I wouldn't be without, so the earliest point I can go back to and say to myself I should definitely have left then was when I was 9 weeks pregnant with dc2 and x attacked me and pulled a clump of my hair out. I should have left then. I left 19 months later. So now I can kind of live with that. Nineteen wasted months.

bustersmummy · 09/05/2011 22:11

I second what valium says.

Oh it's not that bad - I can do this on my own, I am doing it

I am going to find a text DP/BF sent me when we first got together - I look at it often it's very affiriming... hold on....

valiumbandwitch · 09/05/2011 22:12

NO problem NosyRosie, I'm going to go and look for some of the excellent sites that really helped me, and I'll link them in.

to you on your journey to a new life!

bejeezus · 09/05/2011 22:13

night nosey

millie30 · 09/05/2011 22:13

SimpleSingleDad, yes they do write reports for the court and they have reflected me very well in them so far. There is a clause in the order for us to return to court if the contact isn't working, and as strange as it sounds I'm relunctant in some ways to take that step. It's a bit like the guilt that other posters are describing, I have issues about stopping my DS seeing his father, and also vice versa.

We are back at court in a few months anyway, and they may well stop the contact then, as the funding is limited and this was "last chance saloon" for him. I feel I could probably deal with it better if a judge stopped the contact in the end based on evidence, rather than me based on my feelings. That probably sounds crazy and not very rational, it's hard to describe when you hate and fear someone, yet also have emotions of guilt and pity aswell.

valiumbandwitch · 09/05/2011 22:14

bustersmummy, I remember really early on when my x seemed to be angry with me when I was ill. But I couldn't process it. I thought that can't be right. He can't be angry with me. Not because I'm ill! But he was!!

BertieBotts · 09/05/2011 22:16

It's so weird though - I can hardly remember it now. I know what happened, but mainly because I posted about it at the time and reading back through it triggers the memories off, or helps me remember other things that happened. But I found a picture of myself pregnant the other day and it was really really strange, I just couldn't remember how that felt, even. Just feels like a big chunk of my life never happened, although obviously I have DS now.

notoriginal · 09/05/2011 22:17

Yes millie the guilt does stop us doing stuff to them sometimes. I let my ex nearly drive me to suicide before I involved the police because of fear and guilt, I was terrified of him going to prison, blaming me etc. Oddly, now it's happened I don't feel guilty, I'm glad he will get to now what fear and confinement feel like.

circlehead · 09/05/2011 22:17

Since leaving XP 3 months ago, I am only just now starting to feel angry at letting him treat me the way he did. I am taking it as a positive though, that I am actually starting to feel some emotion again! I guess I am learning to be myself again, that it's ok now to feel and express my emotions, after keeping them suppressed for so long for fear of rocking the boat.

I count myself lucky though, our relationship was only 2 years in total. From what I have read (Lundy, MN, etc) it could have got a hell of a lot worse. When I read Why does he do that, my X was basically showing all the warning signs (along with a fair few other traits). That was enough for me though. I just thought he was a dick. Well, he is, but you know what I mean.

valiumbandwitch · 09/05/2011 22:18

interesting article about recovering from life with a nark

I'll link more stuff in tomorrow.

bustersmummy · 09/05/2011 22:19

Here's the text - it makes me cry in a good way

(Sorry if this isn't appropriate but I want to share it)

"Bustersmummy you are without a doubt the smartest, kindest, sexiest and most thoughtful person I know. With the best ass. You are a damn sight kinder and better than you think or ever give yourself credit for. You are always giving and caring for other people. It's OK to say sometimes you just need a cuddle. No one has every supported you. They've never said well done, you're brilliant. You never heard it as a kid or a wife. But you are. If it takes the rest of my life you will know that you are smart, kind, strong, sexy and funny."

BertieBotts · 09/05/2011 22:20

XP was always angry when I was ill as well. And yet he actually seemed to make people ill. I remember him saying to my mum when I was ill on holiday "Why do all my girlfriends get ill?" - my cousin after staying with us for a few days and being the victim of completely undeserved vitriol for those few days, came down with a fluey thing that nobody else ever got, and had to go home early where she recovered very quickly. Even his friend who he worked with for a while (and completely screwed over) said that the stress of working with XP made him ill constantly. He was fine once he left.

bustersmummy · 09/05/2011 22:21

I was worn down and tired and I felt ill all the time.

I had this constant tired and weepy thing.

Funny, I'm hardly ever sick anymore.

millie30 · 09/05/2011 22:21

Yes notoriginal. I tried to leave when I was pregnant, but the guilt of taking his unborn child away stopped me. He had a terrible childhood and would use this as emotional blackmail, and regularly turn on the tears. In the end, I called the police because he became violent whilst I was holding 4 week old DS and tore him from my arms. My love for DS far outweighed any feelings I had for this man, and that gave me the strength to leave.

bejeezus · 09/05/2011 22:22

bustersmummy

is that from your dp?

notoriginal · 09/05/2011 22:23

Bustersmummy that's lovely :) it's so good to know that someone has found someone nice.

bustersmummy · 09/05/2011 22:23

Bejeezus - yes - just when we got together - we were friends first

I think he likes me

bustersmummy · 09/05/2011 22:24

I so still struggle sometimes with why someone who is a good looking and funny and and and as he is would want to be with me.

That's the residue of the years of being told I wasn't good enough

bejeezus · 09/05/2011 22:25

thats lovely

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