DH arrested for drink driving again

[caesar04]

Happened on Sunday after work.
1st conviction 6.5 years ago just before we got married. Was touch and go whether I would go through with wedding. He has a history of alcohol issues prior to 1st conviction, lost a job through drinking, offended friends and family, arrested for drunk and disorderly.
But since that 1st conviction things have been so much better, almost non existent until fairly recently when a few incidents have crept in, drunk at work 3 weeks ago (he works in catering so v long and unsociable hours with drink readily available, also big culture of drinking), one night with family where he was supposed to be looking after DCs so I could have a drink (1st time since dd born) but he got drunk instead.

However those are only instances I know about, I feel sure there are more. After the incident at work (formal warning given) he went to GP and made appointment at alcohol service but had to work so cancelled it.

He rarely drinks at home or in social situations where I am there (watching him like a hawk usually) but it appears to be linked to stress and working, 1st conviction exactly same situation.

I feel I have no choice but to ask him to leave and for us to temporarily separate, we now have 2DCs, DS 2.10 ans DD 5 months.

this isn't what I want really but think this will shock him into getting help and stopping altogether, I have asked him to do this several times but he seems unable to do this.

He is a fantastic father and we generally have a good relationship, together for 12 years, married for 6.5. Have had a very tough 18 months, business went under and we were very nearly bankrupted, managed to settle debts but still owe friends a family thousands. It was hugely stressful but actually payment plans in place and we are, I thought, slowly returning back to normal.
Evidently not.

Has anyone experienced drinking issues like this?
Any advice would be appreciated.

If he's lashed senseless when you are not with him, to the point of being warned at work and arrested because he had put other people's children's lives in danger, then he is not a good father.

My Dad was (and I imagine is) a pisshead. He was a crap dad as well.

(btw, dp worked in catering when I met him, do not blame the "drinking culture", blame the person who can't say no)

If you want to stay with him, he needs to get help. And you need to make him.

I don't have any direct experience but didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

My stepdad is an alcoholic, although he's been dry for the past 20 years (before I knew him).

We've spoken about alcoholism several times, and I think he would say to you:

• it's not your fault, you can't control his drinking and you can't make him see that he's got a problem
• until he sees that he's got a problem no-one can help him and he can't help himself
• many alcoholics need to reach rock bottom before the truth hits them and they get to a place where they can seek help. You separating might be just the kick up the bum he needs
• your children will be affected by what they witness of his drinking.

If you can manage it, get in contact with AlAnon.

Very best wishes to you.

Agree with Bucharest.

I know lots of people who work in catering, it is no excuse.

For me this would be a deal breaker.

How can he drive when he is drunk? What if he crashed the car - killed someone - killed a child? How could he live with himself is he did that?

I expect these are questions you have already asked him.

Is he willing to get help for his drinking problem - and it is a problem if you feel that you have to be there to stop him drinking to excess - that he is not able to control his drinking himself.

Thank you CinnebarR for kind words.

He has admitted he has a problem, this morning when we briefly discussed what to do next and says he does need help so that will happen this time but we have been here before. Never seems to take the next step as he will not drink for 6 months after something has happened and then it creeps back in.

And bucharest point taken about his ability to be a father if he behaves like this but I meant when he was with the children he is fab, always does his share of bed/bath/story etc..
He has always had DS 2 days a week while I was at work and will have both children when I go back in July (that was the plan anyway)

If we didn't have DCs I would leave him no question.

But if there's a chance to work it out I want to but I think the deal breaker is that he stops drinking forever.

Am concerned that if he's not in the house, how will I know if he's drinking or not?

OP Im sorry about your situation but one thing I've got to say ... you cant threatened or scare an alcoholic into getting help ........ he/she must want to stop drinking and going by what has been said ....... that is not in your hubby's head.

And for yourself I would do as suggested above and try and get yourself to Alanon. I am so so sure there is so much more going to come out in this event.

Good Luck.

That is the problem though, isn't it? It has to be his decision and he has to take responsibility for his life.

He has to re-earn your respect and your trust. You cannot be checking up on him all the time, or worrying that he is drinking when you are not with him.

Have barely spoken to him since it happened, he's been at work, fortunately they don't know, I am sure he would be sacked if they found out as it was on his way home.

And I know that his job is not an excuse, I said the same to him today but wanted to clarify where he works as both arrests happened after work in early hours of the morning not at 6pm after being in an office all day.
But def not an excuse.

Sorry, best friend at 14 was killed by a drunk driver who hit her whilst she was walking over a zebra crossing. It is a miracle that your DH has not done the same.

He has to think about what his drinking is doing and take responsibility. He is making excuses by saying he works in a culture of drinking.

If you want to leave him that maybe the trigger he needs to take a good long look at what he is doing. But he has to want it, you cannot force him into rehab.

Good luck. There are alcoholics in my family and its tough to live with.

Think about what you want.

I am often worried that he is drinking when I am not there.

In fact feeling upset as I think he drove home to hide the fact that he had a drink, obv if he gets a taxi I know why and there have been a few rows recently about him getting cabs home

Feeling so shit about it all.

My husband drinks too much at times, but I would never consider leaving him in the circumstances you describe OP.

I am not sure that your husband is an alcoholic, but he does seem to be someone who cant handle a drink when he does have one.

You say he rarely drinks, and 3 incidents in 12 years is very few I would say.

We have all made fuck ups in life, and drink driving is a big fuck up too, but I think to break your family up over it is way over the top.

You are his wife, not his mother and you should not have to police him when out to make sure he doesn't drink.

He has broken the law. Is that not enough of a deal breaker considering he could have killed an innocent person or himself?

Actions speak louder than words; all your DH has done is give you words re his drinking. Such talk means nothing to someone with an ongoing alcohol problem.

You cannot make him stop drinking, he has to want to do that for his own self and at present he is showing no signs of wanting to stop. Two drink driving convictions haven't stopped him and made him really sit up and take note. He may never stop drinking; you need to realise that. There are no guarantees here when it comes to alcoholism.

Working stuff out is a two way process and you could be waiting a long time for his epiphany that may not happen anyway. In the meantime you and the children become further harmed as a result of his alcoholism.

The only person you can now help here is you. All he is now doing is dragging you and the children down with him. You write yourself you would leave if it was not for the children, why is it therefore okay for them to have to put up with all this inherent dysfunction his actions create?. He is certainly neither a good dad nor a fantastic father to them btw, I do not think as adults they would regard him as either. Many women write such comments when they themselves have nothing at all positive to write about their man.

Is this the type of relationship model you want your children to have?. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; what are you both teaching them here?.

There are often elements of codependency within these types of relationships and I would suggest you read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Davies.

I would also suggest you contact Al-anon as they are helpful with regards to family members of problem drinkers.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this (policing his drinking as you have is a waste of effort on your part)
You cannot cure this

SqueakyToy
I would consider leaving my husband if he drove drunk - and he has been caught twice. There may have been many other times he has driven when over the limit.

FAB that is exactly what I said to my brother was that its like having another child, very draining. I can't really relax when we're out together with friends as I am constantly watching his intake.
But I do not want to break the family up.

squeaky part of me agrees with you but I don't want it to get worse as DCs get older.
There is a financial factor too, we are struggling as it is, I don't think we could mange to keep the house if we separate. The whole reason we avoided bankruptcy was to keep the bloody house.

I agree MmeLindt.

3 incidents of this magnitude (and 2 in just the space of the past 3 weeks) is a massive deal, and more than just a fuck-up.

He has "only" been caught twice. You know he has a drink problem. You know he does not have the "moral breaks" that prevents most people from driving when drunk. What is to stop him from drinking in the day when looking after your children? What is to stop him from taking them for a drive? He got drunk in public when he was supposed to stay sober so you could have a drink. He knew he was supposed to be the responsible adult in charge of children, but he still got drunk.

I am sorry, but for me, this would be a deal breaker. Sod the house, your childrens life and welfare is more important!

caesar,

re your comments:-

" I can't really relax when we're out together with friends as I am constantly watching his intake".

You cannot police his intake; that is one of the 3cs re alcoholism and a common mistake to make as well.

"But I do not want to break the family up".
What is your family now if not broken?. What is your reasoning behind your sentence?. Your family is already broken by his actions. He could now go to prison for this second offence.

Your children are becoming older and are becoming increasingly aware of what is happening. They see how unhappy you are and react to your unhappiness; you cannot shield them fully from the harsh realities here.

I think he does want to stop the excess but can't be a normal drinker. I believe the only solution is to stop forever. Its hard to see him described as an alcoholic, I have been in AA's website and various others about drinking and he barely fits the criteria. the 2 main ones being his drinking affecting others and the driving convictions.

The DCs have never seen him drunk, its always when they and me are not there/able to find out. He hides it very well from all of us which makes me wonder how bad it really is. And our relationship is fine outside of alcohol which means that when there have been months of not drinking at all everything is fine. He has stopped going out and drinking at home since DS was born.

I don't want to abandon him if he need my help to stop, I love him.

He always does his share of bath/bed/story...

Ask him how he'd feel if he couldn't do that for one of them ever again, because they'd been killed by someone just like him who thought 'yes, I will get in the car'.

It's happened to plenty of people.

He may be a decent person overall, but twice is not a mistake. He allows himself to do this - and how many times has he done is and not got caught?

Your best move for the whole family would be to take decisive action - maybe as you say making him move out until he does get help - he desperately needs that help. You can't do it for him, but you can make him see, unequivocally, what he is about to lose if he doesn't. Not only his family, but possibly his freedom and his peace of mind for the rest of his life if the unthinkable happened.

Hiding his intake is another massive red flag.

FWIW, I don't think that you can put equal weight on all the points of an "Am I an alcoholic?" style checklist.

His drinking is having a big effect on you. It will have a big effect on your children as they get older. And to have 2 DD convictions is terrible. The vast majority of people will never even have one, so to have 2 shows that he hasn't learned anything from the first time.

Marriage is for better and for worse - I think some posters here are being unnecesarily harsh. Yes you have to take a very tough line here - perhaps asking him to leave while you work out what to do next. But he has a problem and yes, you should be looking at how to help him. While of course accepting that you can't make him stop.

But number one - he needs to put his family and you above drinking. What is he saying about the incident?

done IT

Can he move in with friends or family for the time being?