DH arrested for drink driving again

[caesar04]

Happened on Sunday after work.
1st conviction 6.5 years ago just before we got married. Was touch and go whether I would go through with wedding. He has a history of alcohol issues prior to 1st conviction, lost a job through drinking, offended friends and family, arrested for drunk and disorderly.
But since that 1st conviction things have been so much better, almost non existent until fairly recently when a few incidents have crept in, drunk at work 3 weeks ago (he works in catering so v long and unsociable hours with drink readily available, also big culture of drinking), one night with family where he was supposed to be looking after DCs so I could have a drink (1st time since dd born) but he got drunk instead.

However those are only instances I know about, I feel sure there are more. After the incident at work (formal warning given) he went to GP and made appointment at alcohol service but had to work so cancelled it.

He rarely drinks at home or in social situations where I am there (watching him like a hawk usually) but it appears to be linked to stress and working, 1st conviction exactly same situation.

I feel I have no choice but to ask him to leave and for us to temporarily separate, we now have 2DCs, DS 2.10 ans DD 5 months.

this isn't what I want really but think this will shock him into getting help and stopping altogether, I have asked him to do this several times but he seems unable to do this.

He is a fantastic father and we generally have a good relationship, together for 12 years, married for 6.5. Have had a very tough 18 months, business went under and we were very nearly bankrupted, managed to settle debts but still owe friends a family thousands. It was hugely stressful but actually payment plans in place and we are, I thought, slowly returning back to normal.
Evidently not.

Has anyone experienced drinking issues like this?
Any advice would be appreciated.

Attempts made to try and muddy the waters does the OP no favours at all.

Alcoholism is a family disease and the whole family need help and support, not just the alcoholic.

Kicking him out might just give him the impetus he needs to quit drinking but it may equally not do this. It is his choice ultimately just as it was his choice to actually try and drive whilst drunk. OP is not responsible for her H, what else is she supposed to be doing or try now?. Enabling him as she has done has clearly not helped anyone, least of all her H. When it comes to alcoholism there are no guarantees here.

Things clearly cannot go on as they are; the alcohol is a long standing problem as evidenced by OPs initial post regarding his behaviour both before and during his marriage. His problems are affecting the whole family; they are currently being dragged down with him.

caesar

I hope you do go on to make contact with Al-anon because I feel they could really help you here.

Yes to Mme Lindt I have to hold my hands up and say that bbird is right, I let fly at her/him good and proper, I'm afraid (although in reply to being called names myself).

My point of view comes from the same simple common-sense viewpoint as everyone else here, but my anger came in part from the fact that 20 years ago, I lost a very close family member thanks to the fact that a person who I don't know, never met, got in the car when they shouldn't have, thinking 'oh well I'm sure it'll be fine.' Just like OP's DH.

Nothing to do with alcohol OR speeding, incidentally - someone driving against medical advice... who had a blackout at the wheel.

Changed our family forever. Damaged so many lives in a most horrible way, and took one life away completely. Everything changed on one little decision that must have passed in an instant and seemed so insignificant.

So there you go, bbird - take down your straw man - it doesn't matter what factor makes you unable to drive safely - doesn't matter shit - the effects are the same. I'm rabid at the thought of someone who thinks it's ok to drink and drive because I know only too well the hideous situation that can arise when a thoughtless person decides they can take a chance, when they're not safe to drive. Because a mistake can kill.

I'm sure there are people who OP's DH works with who, like you, will be quick to offer sympathy and excuses, to point out that other people do much worse, justify justify. They're probably the same people who laughed and told him he'd be fine the other night, he'd just had a couple, naah, go on drive, a taxi'll be a pain, etc.

They, like you, are part of the problem. What I see here is, contrary to what you say, the OP having the sense to see that sympathy, excuses, another weak promise not to do it again, would be the worst kind of 'support' she could give her DH - and by extension her entire family. Tough love, as they say. I'm saddened to see the OP's update on his drinking last night but that just underlines it - this isn't a 'mistake' - it's a problem that is getting the better of him.

I hope this post isn't seen as more thread derailing - apologies to all that at some level this is a 'reply' to bbird - it's meant to be more than that - to bring this back to the issue the OP is facing with an anecdote of my own which I hope helps to underline the message from almost everyone here - that his actions are utterly reprehensible. If he'd been a bit less lucky on Sunday, he wouldn't be facing a ban, he'd have a death on his conscience. Just luck.

OP there have been several really practical suggestions re. help and advice for the coming weeks, I hope they prove useful to you. Best of luck.

I'm sorry for your loss Shouty. And the same for everyone else who's suffered such meaningless, futile bereavements.

Thanks Cinnabar. And I should apologise to bbird for my rudeness yesterday - I really lost my cool and shouldn't have flung insults like that. And to OP for helping derail the thread. Such an emotive topic, it just highlights how awful all this must be for her.

How are things today, OP?

Hi Caesar
I have been through a very similar situation and really feel for you. DH received his 2nd drink-driving ban three years ago and has only just got his licence back. He also works in catering and has had a history of drinking far too much (only just got sorted in the last year or so). It is impossibly worrying to be monitoring and trying to control someone else's drinking 24-7, which is what I was doing, and I found he had hidden the reality from me a few times.
The turning point for us came when his lawyer advised him to completely give up drinking for 6 months, before his court appearance to receive his licence back- as they perform medical tests to check alcohol consumption/possible dependency and you need to clear your system out. He relied on his licence for his work and this gave him a definite incentive to stop drinking altogether, which he did with ease. Since he has got his licence back he is no longer completely abistinent- but I layed down the rules that I didn't want him to drink more than 2 days a week- and explained I couldn't imagine going back to a situation where he was drinking every day again. Only when he had been sober for this period could he appreciate how difficult it was for me.
The important thing is not to sweep the issue under the carpet, as I had in the past. Be firm in what you are asking from him and let him know the possible consequences if he does not stick with your demands- and explain what an affect his current behaviour has on you (and presumably your DCs).
Ultimately, he has to want to change, and he has to decide to impose rules on himself- whether that be limiting his drinking or stopping altogether.
When you are in a relationship with an alcoholic or someone dependent on alcohol, there are three of you in the relationship- he cannot put your or your DC's needs first when he is in this relationship with the bottle.
It is difficult to initiate his decision to change. Perhaps seeing a counsellor could help him, if that's something he might agree to.
He is using drink as a means of escape for anxiety and stress, and he needs to find something to replace this coping mechanism with. It was the same with my DH who does suffer from anxiety. Finding another means of release at stressful times will help- maybe a hobby or sport.
But the decision for change needs to come from him. Maybe your decision to leave until he gets himself sorted could be the turning point. But don't make threats. Always be prepared to carry them out, and assure him that you are still there to love and support him- but the first change needs to come from him. THings can definitley change, you need to be firm but fair, and do think about yourself and don't forget about your own needs!
Really hope this helps in some way. Good luck.

Hi all

Mimiholls Thank you for sharing your story, wow really similar, feels good to know someone else has gone through it. I've done a bit of research and people who work in catering have a much higher proportion of alcoholism, pub landlords are highest for liver cirohiss (sp??).

Well things here ground to a bit of a halt, DH ended up working last night, avoiding me and the situation I think but he admitted to being drunk the night before as I suspected.

We have spoken on the phone and I have made it clear that I expect him to arrange his own help, GP etc and I won't be doing it for him. Also said that I know my behaviour has not helped him, just babied and policed his drinking, he needs to take responsibility.

Not much from him in terms of talking but has agreed he needs to stop drinking.

Is supposed to be moving out on Sunday, I'm away this weekend, original place he had has fallen through but I have told him he needs to find somewhere over the weekend even if its just someone's sofa.
He agreed.

So time will tell.

Been happily distracted by a job interview tomorrow so focusing on that, just finished presentation and off to bed. Hoping DD gives me at least 4 hours without waking tonight,co-sleeping much easier with DH in spare room.

Thanks for all you support, will update next week. x

Great you are focussing on yourself, very important to put your needs first sometimes.
It is a really big problem in the industry. Scary and really sad. I hope that he does stop. It won't be an easy road, but it is possible to turn it around if he really wants to.
Let us know what happens xx

How are things going, OP?

Hi OP I don't know how much help I'll be but I'll try.

My DP Has also been caught drink driving twice. Both last year and it was these two incidents that lead us (Me and his family) to question if he had a drink problem. He is now off the road for 4 years which is very hard as we live in an area where there is absolutely no public transport so he relies on everyone else for lifts.

It all came to a head last October when he had been drinking at my cousins birthday party quite a lot more then I realized and we had a blazing row and he slapped me. I immediately finished the relationship and started to make plans for myself and my ds to move to England to be with my mother. This gave him the push he needed to seek help. He has spent time in hospital and attends AA meetings 3 times a week sometimes more if he is able. He is a completely different person now and we are slowly getting our lives back together. I'm still moving and if things go well he will be joining us.

I'm not saying that everyone can change or that alcohol should be blamed for everything and I do not regret leaving him when I did but I believe now he has taken positive steps towards helping himself and hasn't drank in 5 months.

I really wish you the best of luck and I really hope you DH gets help xxx

Hi Caesar, sorry to hear you are going through this. Similar situation for me, but no actual proof of his drink driving, just suspicion. The turning point for me was he got drunk when in charge of ds, and I did kick him out, at the beginning of March. He swore he would change and I allowed him to come back after a few days (although what I really wanted was as you have said, to have counselling etc and a longer break).
He is now on anti-depressants and has made big efforts to stay off the booze, but has not had total success, and does not really have a recovery programme in place (hates AA, after about 10 meetings - came back drunk after one of them!) GP has told him his blood results show no abnormalities, (in fact he has been really chuffed that his cholesterol is so low when everyone he works with seems to have high cholesterol!) so no kick up the bum from that, and he would never take time off work to attend alcohol service/counselling as he is freelance and he would lose a lot of money!
It's all about boundaries for me, and he knows that mine are NO DRINKING AROUND THE CHILDREN. I accept he will still drink (at least until he decides he really wants to stop altogether and finds some strategy for doing that) and I cannot control that, but the rules are he stays away if he wants to drink.
You set a boundary of if 'anything like this happens again'...so I would say you have to stick by that.
Good luck.

Oh and I meant to add, he is never allowed to be in charge of the dc now, except when I know he is totally sober and I want to go to an al-anon meeting! When I want to do something at the weekend I take the dc to my mum's, or she comes up. (an hour and a half journey, but at least I have peace of mind)
He does not collect them from school or after-school club.
I do not rely on him re: the dc and will not until many months of sobriety with proper recovery in place.

Thank you for sharing your stories with me, it really does help.

Update - DH been in court today has a 3 year ban, which was the min I expected and has to attend probation and go on a course (not the normal drink driving one). I think he's probably on some kind of order as he was only given court costs not a fine so just £85.

From what I have read you can't have an order/community service etc.. and a fine, its one or the other.

So he's a proper criminal but glad we haven't got to find hundreds of £s for a fine.

Have only just spoken to him briefly on the phone so no further details till he gets back.

Since I last posted he has seen the GP and had an assessment at the alcohol advisory service, both have diagnosed him with stress and anxiety and that he is abusing alcohol to deal with it. Both said he is not alcohol dependent but has issues with abusing alcohol as a coping mechanism.

He is attending a weekly stress management/addiction course for 4 weeks starting next week and also going a group session weekly. GP suggested Relate but its £40 per session and at the moment we just do not have the money. So we are hopefully going to access counselling at the GPs surgery.

He is sort of living at home, he has spent a few nights on friends sofas but not found anywhere longer term unless he gets his own place properly, we cannot afford this, I am on SMP till July.
His family live in a different city so there really is nowhere.

I have decided to take things slowly and not throw him out on the street, the diagnosis of stress and anxiety have made me re-think how I want to proceed, he has also asked me outright to support him through giving up drinking.

We will not share a bed though and I am still very angry and upset but as long as he continues not drink, to go to meetings and attend the courses then I am ok with him staying at home for now.

Still feeling all over the place really but glad to have court out of the way and can start to deal with it properly.

Good to hear from you. I'm glad your DH didn't get a fine, and that he's addressing his problems head on. All the very best to you.

Thanks for your update. I am also glad he did not get a fine. I am hoping all this makes him reassess his life. I hope you pull through. Will he get problems in his work place from this?

Do you drive? When do you return to work?

Glad to hear that Caesar. Don't forget to look after you, too. Can you get a friend/neighbour to babysit while you go to an Al Anon meeting or do something you enjoy?

Hello.

Quick update.

DH doing ok, still at home. He's attending 2 group meetings per week and a weekly SMART recovery course through an alcohol support charity.

Its going well so far, he came home after the first meeting and as we were talking he cried when telling me about it. He was so affected by the people and their stories and said over and over how he didn't want to lose us and was so sorry for his actions.

I was worrying this weekend as he had a wedding at work, the kind of event where he would usually have had a drink and I knew it would be a real test. But thankfully he didn't give in. I could tell the next day that he hadn't been drinking. We discussed it beforehand and he talked about it at his group so was prepared and had strategies ready. Was proud of him, can't have been easy.

We are still in separate rooms and am not sure how to resolve the deeper problems between us, have looked at Relate, its £50 per session and we just do not have that kind of money at the moment although I'm back at work in July so things will be easier money wise then.

He has just phoned me to ask if I want to go to theatre on Weds, can get tickets for the ballet (I danced for many years so love it). He said he wanted to ask me first in case I didn't want to go with him but that he had spoken to my sister and she would either babysit or come with me if that's what I wanted.

He said to her that he just wanted me to have a nice night out as things been so crap and at first I said I did want to go but not especially with him but am not sure now. All I know is that I would love to see the ballet!!

But he is making the effort.

Thanks again for all the support, it really helped me focus at a time when I was all over the place.