DH arrested for drink driving again

[caesar04]

Happened on Sunday after work.
1st conviction 6.5 years ago just before we got married. Was touch and go whether I would go through with wedding. He has a history of alcohol issues prior to 1st conviction, lost a job through drinking, offended friends and family, arrested for drunk and disorderly.
But since that 1st conviction things have been so much better, almost non existent until fairly recently when a few incidents have crept in, drunk at work 3 weeks ago (he works in catering so v long and unsociable hours with drink readily available, also big culture of drinking), one night with family where he was supposed to be looking after DCs so I could have a drink (1st time since dd born) but he got drunk instead.

However those are only instances I know about, I feel sure there are more. After the incident at work (formal warning given) he went to GP and made appointment at alcohol service but had to work so cancelled it.

He rarely drinks at home or in social situations where I am there (watching him like a hawk usually) but it appears to be linked to stress and working, 1st conviction exactly same situation.

I feel I have no choice but to ask him to leave and for us to temporarily separate, we now have 2DCs, DS 2.10 ans DD 5 months.

this isn't what I want really but think this will shock him into getting help and stopping altogether, I have asked him to do this several times but he seems unable to do this.

He is a fantastic father and we generally have a good relationship, together for 12 years, married for 6.5. Have had a very tough 18 months, business went under and we were very nearly bankrupted, managed to settle debts but still owe friends a family thousands. It was hugely stressful but actually payment plans in place and we are, I thought, slowly returning back to normal.
Evidently not.

Has anyone experienced drinking issues like this?
Any advice would be appreciated.

For the OP, have a look at the "Brave Babes" threads. An alcoholic is someone who cannot control their drinking and I'm afraid your DH's behaviour sounds so much like so many of their stories. Getting kicked out/potentially losing jobs and family seems to be a factor in a lot of their desicions to clean up their act. I think you are doing the right thing in telling your DH to move out until he's sorted himself out, and I also think you are doing the right thing in supporting him while he does so. I wish you good luck, and great strength to both of you for the difficult times ahead of you.

bbird - A person who drives drunk (or otherwise impaired, I have made decision not to drive when I knew I was tired, for example) has made a decision that their need to take their own car is more important than the lives of their family (who potentially will lose the drunk driver or get killed if they are in the car too) the lives of anyone they might hit and injure/kill, their victim's families who will have to deal with the consequesces. Not to mention their own mental health since they'll have to live with the guilt afterwards. If that's not utterly stupid, selfish and self absorbed, what do you call it? It's hardly a minor mistake is it? If that sounds harsh to you, tough. They made the bad call, no-one made it for them.

ShoutyHamster - put a sock in it you tedious, pointless person.
Regarding my message generally, I think people have misunderstood me. The point I was making was that the real danger to our roads is speeding. The stats back this up - check if you dont believe me. There are thousands of accidents each day on UK roads and the vast, vast majority are caused by - more often than not - daft men driving way too fast. So why dont we demonise speeders like we do drink drivers? Why dont airheads like ShoutyHamster start calling all speeders scum etc?
Before people jump down my throat again, let me make myself clear: I think drink driving and speeding are BOTH out of order. Just dont see why people get so irrational when talking about one and not the other.

bbird1 - surely the point here is that we know that the OP's DH is a drink driver. We have no idea whether he also speeds. Speeding is irrelevant to this thread.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Straw_man

Backtrack away!

A good dad should be making sure that his home is a happy, secure, peaceful place so that you as a new mum can take pleasure in the joy that is a five month old baby. That's where both your attention should be focused, and on your toddler. He should be looking after you, not the other way around. Failing that you can look after you and your babies but not him too. Best wishes and strength to you x

CinnabarRedWed - sure, speeding is irrelevant but I was using it to highlight that, when it comes to drink driving, people just start talking irrationally and get overly emotional. There are people posting on here who have lost loved ones through drink driving - which is awful - but how could they possibly provide the OP with objective advice?

I think people that drink & drive are behaving dispicably but I bet there are some people posting here that use their mobile phone while driving. Statistically this is at least as dangerous and I am equally disgusted when I see someone on their mobile while driving as I would be if I saw someone with a can of Special Brew in their hand. Just a thought.

But that's just it, bbird.

It's not irrational to get highly emotional about the fact that your husband thinks it's ok to risk his life and that of others.

In fact it is the most rational, sensible response I can think of.

As you can see from the rest of the posts here, others are in agreement.

And why on earth do you think that those who have lost loved ones aren't able to give advice?

I would disagree and say that they're some of the best placed people to do so.

They are living the hell that the OP's husband is risking for himself and her and his children. Everyone thinks it won't happen to them. Truth is, sometimes it does. What on earth is the point of taking the line that well, it'll probably be fine? It's not even as if there is any positive aspect of drink driving that some might judge worth a 'risk'. None at all. It is an entirely negative thing to do.

You're in a minority of one here. That should tell you something.

...or we can turn it around that working in catering is so perfect for him, as he is surrounded by alcohol daily, Fabby.

I think you need to look for ways your dh can change his career! He should not be surrounded by food and drink and party spirit daily!

Could we please all agree that:

1. Drink driving is a bad thing, which is not to belittle or minimse other bad things such as speeding and using a mobile phone while driving, but we don't know whether the OP's DH indulges in those or not.

1. The OP's DH has two drink driving convictions. Two convictions for drink driving is two more than the vast majority of the population and is therefore indicative of a drinking problem.

1. The OP and her DH both acknowledge that he has a drinking problem and so any posters suggesting that he doesn't are missing the point.

Everything else is irrelevant, and not helpful to the OP.

bbird
First, you are very rude. No one has called you names, but you continue to berate those who dare oppose you.

Second, this is the first time that you have mentioned speeding and it is totally irrelevant to this thread. The OP's husband was not caught speeding, he was caught driving while under the influence.

Third, there are always going to be graduations - rape is bad, but murder is worse. Does that mean that rape is not so bad after all, and that we should not call a rapist scum?

Both are illegal acts, just as speeding and drink driving are. All of these acts are terrible ones and no one gets to decide which is worse.

Fourth, I would say that those who have lost friends and family due to an accident caused by a drunk driver are exactly the right people to give advice. They know the consequences of drink driving better than anyone else.

cesar- i havent read all the posts so might already have been said- I have been in a similar situation. You need to stop thinking about the help your dh needs to get or not get. You need to think about the support thta you need. I would really recommend that you go to an Al-Anon and you will find the support you need to make whatever decision is best for you, and to then live with it

MmeLindt - I will refer you to one of ShoutyHamster's early posters to see who started the name-calling.
ShoutyHamster - just because I am in the majority of one does not invalidate my viewpoint.
Regarding people who have lost loved ones through drink driving, well I will say it again, how the hell can they be objective? They will always - understandably - suggest throwing the book at convicted drink drivers. Likewise, in this instance, they are hardly going to suggest the OP gives her other half the benefit of the doubt. Yet if I were the OP I would want people to offer me independent, non-partisan advice.
CinnabarRed - are you judge and jury on all of this OR WHAT???

No, I'm just trying to keep the thread relevant and helpful to the OP.

What are you trying to do?

bbird. How can you talk about benefit of doubt? IS there any doubt to the findings of Breathalyzers? If you think drink driving is fine, and people should be able to enjoy a pint or five and get in the car, with or without their family, and drive home, then say so! If you think fatally injuring somebody on the roads is an acceptable risk anybody has to take in life, say so! But dont go sprouting shit at people who experienced this, it makes you seem both ignorant, and well, even more ignorant.

Do you habitually drive under the influence, is this what this is all about?

Funnily enough, people who like to drive over the speed limit claim the police should concentrate on real dangerous driving practices such as, er, driving over the alcohol limit. In fact someone once told me in all seriousness that it's people who keep to the legal speed limit who cause accidents, because they make other drivers frustrated so they have to drive aggressively, overtake riskily etc .

It's always someone else doing something worse who's really to blame. How about zero tolerance for all dangerous behaviour on the roads, rather then let this one alone because they're not doing something quite as homicidally stupid as that one (in your opinion)?

Exactly Cinnabar .

Why talk about things that are not in the equation - totally irrelevant !!

As far as I can make our bbird1 is just out to cause distraction from the REAL problem.

Keep up the good work all you other MNers.

Hello, just popping on while DCs are napping, although DD due to wake anytime.

Thank you for all your support, particularly CinnabarRed for trying to keep the thread relevant. I do appreciate it. If I wanted it to kick off I would have posted in AIBU!

And CinnabarRed thank you for the offer of a chat from your stepdad and mum. I'd feel at bit weird ringing atm but the offer is very much appreciated.

Well things pretty much the same, DH at work again so still not had a chance to speak to him, I think he's off tonight so will see how that goes.
He knows I want him to leave and has arranged somewhere to stay.

I am fairly sure he was drunk last night

Heard him come home and go in spare room. Making a bloody racket opening and closing doors. Then while I was feeding DD in the night I heard him talking and groaning in his sleep, he only ever does this when he's had a drink.

Then no car to be seen on the road this morning (amazingly you are allowed to drive until convicted in court).
I asked him if he was drunk the night before, he said no. That was the only words we spoke apart from him telling me he was leaving. Although in his mind he prob thinks he wasn't, just had a few beers.

I looked out of the window and saw him on his phone straight away, presumably ringing a taxi.

Sent him a text saying I was sure he was drunk but no reply as yet although he is working and there is limited signal where he is.
Was initially upset but then reflected that it proves that I am definitely doing the right thing and will stick to my guns no matter what.

Also met up with friends today so feeling better, RL girls are marvellous, known them all for years and very supportive. Going to my brothers this weekend too so won't be here while he moves out.

Will update soon.

Thank you all x

I am fairly sure he was drunk last night

:(

you know its a 3 year ban if second offence?

Glad you have some RL support, Caesar. Sorry to hear that he was drinking last night. What an idiot. At least it helps you stay strong in your resolve though. Well done for not giving in.

QuintessentialPains - no I do not habitually drive under the influence.
I am not trying to distract from OP with talk of speeding, either, just making a point about how society - and the OP in this instance - seem to view two equally repellant acts (drink driving and speeding) through completely different eyes. Put another way, if he had been caught speeding I dont think the OP would be telling him to pack his bags. Would you OP?
I actually wish the OP's hubby good luck in all this. At a time when he needs her support she boots him out - with a load of self-rightous MNers who, of course, probably never made a mistake in their frigging lives egging her on. Well done OP - just hope if you ever make a mistake in your life your partner is equally 'supportive.'

bbird, she boots him out so he can get help.

Speeding is as dangerous as driving under the influence. But speeding does not take over and permeate all aspects of your life, and your familys life, the same as alcoholism does. Speeding is not an illness. Alcoholism is.

I would suggest that the OP approaches an organization such as her local drugs and alcohol advisory service (assuming there is such a thing) to get some objective advice about the alcohol issues. I had very helpful, entirely non-judgemental support from my local advisory service which was extremely valuable.