DH arrested for drink driving again

[caesar04]

Happened on Sunday after work.
1st conviction 6.5 years ago just before we got married. Was touch and go whether I would go through with wedding. He has a history of alcohol issues prior to 1st conviction, lost a job through drinking, offended friends and family, arrested for drunk and disorderly.
But since that 1st conviction things have been so much better, almost non existent until fairly recently when a few incidents have crept in, drunk at work 3 weeks ago (he works in catering so v long and unsociable hours with drink readily available, also big culture of drinking), one night with family where he was supposed to be looking after DCs so I could have a drink (1st time since dd born) but he got drunk instead.

However those are only instances I know about, I feel sure there are more. After the incident at work (formal warning given) he went to GP and made appointment at alcohol service but had to work so cancelled it.

He rarely drinks at home or in social situations where I am there (watching him like a hawk usually) but it appears to be linked to stress and working, 1st conviction exactly same situation.

I feel I have no choice but to ask him to leave and for us to temporarily separate, we now have 2DCs, DS 2.10 ans DD 5 months.

this isn't what I want really but think this will shock him into getting help and stopping altogether, I have asked him to do this several times but he seems unable to do this.

He is a fantastic father and we generally have a good relationship, together for 12 years, married for 6.5. Have had a very tough 18 months, business went under and we were very nearly bankrupted, managed to settle debts but still owe friends a family thousands. It was hugely stressful but actually payment plans in place and we are, I thought, slowly returning back to normal.
Evidently not.

Has anyone experienced drinking issues like this?
Any advice would be appreciated.

caesar,

re your comment:-

"I don't want to abandon him if he need my help to stop, I love him"

He loves drink more. Your love for him will not cure him here I am sorry to say; love is not enough.

You are not responsible for him.

He does NOT need your help to stop, he has to want to stop ON HIS OWN and without any coercion from you. This is not about "abandonning him" either, this is about showing him that there are consequences for his actions. Where are the direct consequences from you for his actions?.

His drinking does affect others and look where you're at now. He has been more than happy to throw you to the wolves. He has patently not shown you half as much consideration to date with regards to you and family life has he?.

I do not believe my family is broken. And he won't get a prison sentence as alcohol levels not high enough even if is second offence. Spent all day researching it yesterday as this was my immediate thought.

As far as DCs are concerned we have kept this all from them. Hence us still not having discussed it 3 days later. This has not been a problem since they were born until 3 weeks ago.

I am realising that I have perhaps enabled this to go on my policing him and mothering him and yes he def needs to take responsibility for this which is why I am thinking that him moving out would be the best thing.

We/and him would need counselling before he could come home. I can't bear the devastated look on his face when we did very briefly talk today, I know he is totally gutted but have no room for his guilt in my head.

"I do not believe my family is broken.

So what is it then?. How would you describe this now?.

"And he won't get a prison sentence as alcohol levels not high enough even if is second offence. Spent all day researching it yesterday as this was my immediate thought".

So that makes it alright then!. Sheesh!!. Don't think the police see it quite that way.

"As far as DCs are concerned we have kept this all from them. Hence us still not having discussed it 3 days later. This has not been a problem since they were born until 3 weeks ago".

As mentioned before you cannot fully hope to hide this from your children.

"I am realising that I have perhaps enabled this to go on my policing him and mothering him and yes he def needs to take responsibility for this which is why I am thinking that him moving out would be the best thing".

No "perhaps" about it re the first part of your sentence. You have acted as enabler to him which does not help you let alone him. Do not think any more about him moving out, ensure he does.

"We/and him would need counselling before he could come home. I can't bear the devastated look on his face when we did very briefly talk today, I know he is totally gutted but have no room for his guilt in my head"

Al-anon would be helpful for you if you want to talk as would BACP. You know he is totally gutted eh?. Am glad you have no room for his guilt in your head.

You are not the one breaking your family up - your husband is.

He either has an illness which means he needs to drink or he likes drinking and doesn't see why he should stop. If it is the first, he needs to see a doctor. If it is the latter then I suggest you need to see a solicitor.

Attila nowhere did I say that it makes it ok, you said he might go to prison, I responded that through the research I have done he would not get a custodial sentence. Has to be over 100m in breath for that. And over 90 for community service. He was below this.
I do not condone his behaviour, am devastated that he took that gamble with his and others lives. Its so, so stupid and potentially life threatening.

To use the word broken means to me that its is irreparable, at the moment I don't believe that to be the case, damaged yes but not broken. I know it will take work mainly from DH but I am not giving up on us yet.

and yes I do know that he is gutted, he can barely talk to me about without tears. Part of me is fucking furious and want to smack his stupid face but the other part feels desperately sorry for him. Can't help that.

He is going to move out, hopefully somewhere with friends/family so we don't have to pay for a whole house/flat for at least 3 months. Counselling for him and us as a couple is paramount.

And to those posters who, like me, believe in marriage for better or worse, thank you for support.

I grew up without a father and would not want DCs to not have him at home if this can be resolved.

Caesar, sorry, but you are excusing, condoning and hence enabling his drinking in your below post.

But I understand it is hard for you.

My fil died from alcohol abuse when he was just 55, 4 years ago. He was also good at hiding bottles, he was drinking in the day when he was supposed to look after disabled SIL. After he died, my mil found empty and full and half empty bottles in the strangest places around the house. You could not smell much on him, and he did not slur his speech, or stumble or anything, but drunk he was.

Unless your dh has a life insurance with a great payoff even when dying from alcohol related causes, you are not looking after your family and your family finances by allowing his love affair with booze to continue.

x post

caesar,

Do not let your well meaning desire for a two parent family life however override the shame and misery that he is putting you and your family through. He has made choices throughout all this and continues to do so. You write he has a history of alcohol issues and you yourself were in two minds about marrying him in the first place. Marriage vows do state for better or worse but how is he going to actually try and repair all this damage he has himself caused?. Words after all are cheap, its actions that matter.

You write you want to repair this and that aim is admireable but is it actually achievable?. Give yourself a time limit re him and stick to it.
Rebuilding has to be a two way process and only time will tell you whether he is being serious or not here. You cannot rescue a failing marriage on your own.

At the very least he will face a lengthy driving ban.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. That question needs some serious thought.

I agree with waterrat, marriage is for better or worse, in sickness and health.......He doesn't sound like an alcoholic to me, He does sound irresponsible though to risk losing his Job when He has a family to support.
I feel it's unfair to leave him for being an alcoholic, (if you decide that is what this is), but if it is about his irresponsibility as a parent then you need to have this conversation with him.

I have to try and believe that he means what he says, there is a history of issues but these have significantly decreased since 1st conviction and again since DCs were born.

This gives me hope that he can stop altogether.

And I hope that our relationship and what i get out of it will be addressed in counselling, we nearly went when we were almost in bankruptcy but when we escaped it, I thought we were ok again.

Thanks for all responses, DD just woken up so off to feed her.

What happened 3 weeks ago which has made his behaviour get this bad so quickly.

Caesar
I believe in marriage for better and for worse. I would do anything within my power to save my marriage, even accept many things and situations that in earlier life I would not have condoned.

But both spouses need to work together to save a marriage and as long as he is handing you the responsibility for his drinking, and you are taking it, then it is an unequal marriage.

And those who are saying that he does not have an alcohol problems presumably have never lived with an alcoholic.

Alcoholism is not just defined by someone who is obviously drunk all the time. It is affecting your family, he is hiding his drinking and you are altering your behaviour in order to control his drinking.

Unless he can stop drinking altogether, I don't see how you could continue to be with him.

op this may sound harsh ........ but you really take the .

Unfortunately I have experience with alcohol abuse and it just jumps out at me how much the family illness has affected you and it appears you are not going to listen to anyone here ....... so why post in the first place.

Get yourself to Alanon and get yourself better then you will be fit to help him if necessary.

He is an adult (unlike his children) and he is big enough to sort himiself out without having you there to be a crutch to him.

You should not be leaving your children in the care of an alcoholic.

anothermumonhere
I have listened to opinions of others, it has cemented my decision to ask him to leave for a period of time while we try and repair our marriage.
A condition of his return will be stopping drinking with professional help and counselling for us as a couple.

I have also realised thanks to the straight talking of attila and others that my own behaviour has enabled his patterns of drinking. I will stop this immediately.

So cheers for your 'supportive' response. I can only assume your own experiences are colouring your views.

Vicky I have not left my children with an alcoholic. Until very recently I believed DHs drinking to be firmly in control. It has become apparent that it isn't and we are taking steps to hopefully solve this. The children will not be left with him atm.

I am not sure how posters here have deduced that somebody is an alcoholic on the basis of the original post. Sorry but they are just talking out of their arse, just taking a wild guess.
People are being incredibly harsh on this guy on the basis of v v little evidence. And I include the OP in this. Sorry OP but if you really loved this guy you wouldnt be considering leaving him for this. There must be something else at play here.
And what is with all this sanctimonious nonsense about drink driving - get a grip ffs. I have known quite a few people lose their license through drink driving. They werent alcoholics believe it or not, they just made a mistake, having one two many and thinking they would 'chance it' and paid the price. They also werent the demons people on here are trying to make out all drink drivers to be.

bbird
Thank you for that response, I was unsure if asking him to move out was too extreme, hence my op.
The only other things at play is that when he got arrested the first time I said if anything like this ever happened again I would leave.

I feel like I have to do something or where will it stop?

bbird
I would say that a person who risks his job, his life, his marriage and his family by driving when drunk has an alcohol problem. I could not say if this is alcoholism, but it is certainly not normal behaviour.

Getting drunk at work - sackable offence. Definitely a problem.

And yes, I do condemn him for drink driving. It is bloody dangerous and illegal. And he already has a conviction.

Ceasar
You have made the right decision, don't be swayed.

When I read that a person (in this case caesar's DH) has and I quote from the OPs initial post, "has a history of alcohol issues prior to 1st conviction, lost a job through drinking, offended friends and family, arrested for drunk and disorderly" then I am inclined to think that this individual has a problem with alcohol.

A selfish and conscious choice was made to get behind the wheel risking in the process their lives as well as others.

And caeser, getting back to you now - it has happened again but why should you leave?. He is the one that should go. Your conditions for his return if you decide that he comes back I would class as fair. I would also want to see how serious he actually is about getting proper help (you should not play any part in that particular regard) for his problems with alcohol.

Whilst I do think it is unlikely that your DH will receive a custodial sentence, this is actually his second offence within 6.5yrs and repeat offences within a period of 10yrs are dealt with more severely.

This link details that it is very likely your DH will receive community punishment at least, as this is a repeat offence within the 10yr period. It is very likely he will receive a large fine, which will obviously impact on your family life and he will also receive a minimum of a 3yr driving ban.

I urge you to speak to Alanon, as I think you maybe need some help in understanding how severe your DH's problem really is. Someone who receives a warning in work and 2 drink drive convictions in the space of 6.5yrs is, at best, extremely irresponsible and cavalier in his attitude to the safety of others and, at worst, an alcoholic. It certainly appears from what you have wrote, so far, that your DH does indeed have a problem with alcohol. He needs to access treatment for his problem/ addiction, but HE needs to do this - you cannot be the one to force him, it has to be of his own volition.

Attila* Sorry didn't make clear, I said that I would leave him 6 years ago just before we got married if there was re-occurrence of behaviour. Obviously now we have the DCs, he will be the one moving out for 3 months.

And I won't be getting the help for him, to be fair he did go to GP and make appointment with alcohol service off his own back, I didn't tell him/do it for him so he has all the info to do it himself.

I am just so gutted he didn't keep that appointment, maybe that could have been the start of changes

MLindt Not being swayed, is def right decision for us but bbirds post does give an opposite view. And I agree, also not sure if this behaviour makes him an alcoholic but its def not normal, thats what made it hard really. If he was drinking to excess every day, at home, at work etc.. etc... then would be more straightforward.

Spoken to him on phone earlier, said he has found somewhere to stay "if that's what I want". Sounds all meek and feeble, really annoying me. Is prob genuine, he's generally not manipulative person but not doing him any favours.

Although not sure what would not make me cross right now. Just don't even want to speak to him but not had chance to discuss conditions of return but he is off tomorrow night so will speak then and update afterwards.

Thanks everyone x

Well done. This may be the best thing you do to get him to realize how serious this is, and for him to finally get help for his alcohol problems, and in turn save your marriage and your family.

You are incredibly brave and strong.

'And he won't get a prison sentence as alcohol levels not high enough even if is second offence. Spent all day researching it yesterday as this was my immediate thought.'

If you're teetering on the brink of bankrupcy, this isn't going to help. The fine will be huge, plus the costs of it all. Not to mention, he'll have to re-sit all the tests again after the ban is up. And it's not likely he'll get insurance again without paying an absolute fortune.

I hope he's not in a trade, either, or a job where you need to drive for work.

A mate's partner has a DUI, but as a tiler, he can't get any work because all the job's going require a clean, full driving license. Even after his ban is up, he has to resit both parts of the exam AND the road test is 60 minutes rather than 40. Oh, and there's no way any employer will make allowance to insure him, since he stole his boss's car, got drunk and wrecked it.

"Anyone charged with a drink driving offence receives a mandatory 12-month driving ban. Any additional punishment depends on the exact nature of the charge, the circumstances of the incident and the previous record of the convicted driver. In addition to a driving ban, all offences carry a fine, the maximum being £5,000. Some offences also carry a prison sentence, the longest of which is six months. If a driver commits two offences within a 10-year period, is more than two-and-a-half times over the legal limit or refuses to take a blood test, he will be deemed a high-risk offender. These offenders are banned from driving for three years and need to prove they don't have a continuing alcohol problem before re-gaining their licenses."

Read more: UK Drinking & Driving Laws | eHow.com www.ehow.com/list_6763737_uk-drinking-driving-laws.html#ixzz1LJm8cbvw

I separated from my alcoholic husband last September. My children are 9, 6 and 4. It is not easy but I do not regret it. The only thing I regret is not ending the relationship sooner.

Essentially alcoholics are selfish and that is conducive to family life which is evident by you saying you are having to moderate your behaviour to anticipate his drinking.