FF - I do agree with everyone here on letting it out. Grieving is a process that keeps unfolding like the skin of an onion, many, many layers. The grief you are feeling as Aloha alluded to, may be a combination of many lossesthis being the most recent and brutal for you.
You know you will not be alone for the rest of your lifeit is just not possible for this sexy, funny, spontaneous ff to stay alone it usually happens when you give up and know you are alright on your own--you will see!
You know that you are not a failure, look at all of the success you have in your life! You are a wonderful Mum, even if you won't admit it! You care very much for your boys--I can see this in your posts and I have only been here for a month or so.
You know that you are lovable right? Come on now....you do know it,you can see it in the eyes of your boys, can't you? And even if you can't see it in the mirror right now, you will.
You are clear that this is not your fault, right? Yes you did participate and yes you did allow some things that in others judgement, maybe you should not have allowed---BUT it does not make the fact that the relationship has ended your fault.
Somehow, someway, it would be really great if you could see that this was a gift (now if this was a gift, who needs gifts right?). There is some learning here that was very important for you to have and gain for your future. Very hard to see that right now, I am sure, but I hope you will see it when you are ready.
I have gone through these assessments, believe me. I went through a horrible divorce where I felt so betrayed and rejected and crapped on--I did some horrible acting out over it and it is behind me. I was afraid I didn't even know how to have a "normal" relationship. I go on forever, don't I?
Most importantly, Hugs from across the ocean!