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Original poster

Dilemma :( PLEASE HELP :(

113 replies

crazyhayz · 26/04/2011 14:43

Ok so here goes...

I am a 23 year old lone parent to my 2.5 year old. His dad is very much on the scene though and has him overnight 3 nights per week and sees him as often as he can in between. We've been seperated for 3 monthsd an and have now met new people. He is in his final year of his Masters degree and I am starting University full-time in 5 months (eek!) Anyway, I basically had an awful 5 years with him, treated me very badly, and i finally cut my ties. I want to go to University and travel for a couple of years (things i had planned when i was younger but then didnt happen cos i met him and got pregant and he promised hed stand byt me and support me but never moved in with me or emoitonally supported me whatsoever, resulting in my PND for the first year of my sons life). I have mentioned this to his dad and he has asked me if he can have our son full-time. My son is very attached to his dad and cries everytime he has to come back to me which is hard for me to deal with but i know this is common with young children when they are particularly close to one parent). I basically dont know what to do and I need some advice...

I want to make something of my life, get a degree and see the world as i have always wanted. But then again, I dont want people to think badly of me that our son is living with his dad as people seem to have this stereotypical view that all children shouyld be with their mums. My ex is an exceptional father so I know my son would be very very happy being with him full time. But obv i'd miss him alot, but i want to travel and and focus on my degree and do the things I have never been able to do.. I loive my son to death and that wouldnt change that, but i know people will talk and thiunk badly of me for it. Its not like id be doing it for a rubbish reason that means nothing. And id have him bak like a shot when i finish my degree and travels.. but i know he may not want to come back by then which is something id have to prepare for i know...

I am just toally stuck. I know I want to go ahead with it but I'm worried how I may look to people, and obv dont want to mess up my sons head in any way. I just dont know what to do and id really, really appreciate any views on this if possible. Thankyou :)

OP posts:
said · 26/04/2011 19:32

You say you've both met new people - how would you feel about your son becoming attached to your ex's new partner whilst you were travelling?

said · 26/04/2011 19:33

Btw, I'd post this in Relationships where you are likely to get more responses, I think.

Original poster
crazyhayz · 26/04/2011 20:37

I would speak to him very regularly and when I return to the UK briefly I will see him ion the meantime. I am going to find it so hard though. But I know it is for a good reason and if/when he returns to be with me after i finish University then I will be able to provide him with a good life which is all i ever wanted. He may get attached to her but then that can happen to anyone who has kids with a new partner. He will know who his mum is and speak to me all the time. I just dont know what to do, I dont want to spend the next 16 years of my life miserable and wishing I had done these things, you know.. I just hate the fact that he promised me hed stick by me and support me and we'd live together and get married etc etc, then didnt live up to one thing he said.. now i have a full time child and cant do the things i always wanted to do before i stupidly fell pregnant and went ahead with it because of what he promised me :(

OP posts:
hairylights · 26/04/2011 20:57

Odd post. You are worried about what people will think of you, but you haven't mentioned the welfare of your son?

I have no issue with the father having residency but you can't opt out of your sons life like that.

You have given up your chance to travel for a good long while By having a child.

It is entirely possible to be a parent and study.

Original poster
crazyhayz · 26/04/2011 21:00

He cries so much every time he comes back from his dads and its getting really hard to deal with, seeing him so upset and wanting daddy all the time. My ex has said he cant bear handing him over anymore cos he just cries so much, and then even when hes gone he wont just forget about it, he literally will beg me to take him to daddys house, its just awful. I dont understand i really dont. Even if i decide not to travel but still do Uni, yes I could do that whilst being a mum of course, but it still doesnt change the fact that he wants to be with his dad and not me..

OP posts:
Original poster
crazyhayz · 26/04/2011 21:02

Of course his welfare is important to me but its not an issue cos my ex is an exceptional father and my son is so happy whenever hes around him. So I have no concern about his welfare. I probably wont do the travelling bit as i am worried about the amount of time id have away from him if i did... although some people ive spoke to have said its only a year and hes only 2.5 years old, i should travel and do as much as i can..

OP posts:
ohgawdherewegoagain · 26/04/2011 21:05

You judge your ex P for not standing by you and supporting you. You've had a child and now you're contemplating doing the same to the child because you want to travel and educate yourself?

I know some fathers that have been exceptional and equally as effective at parenting as mums so maybe you are making the right decision for your child.

Just say one thing to you though, you won't be able to get these years back so do think carefully before you make these decisions. Given the choice of whether I can flick through pictures of far flung places or stare at my degree on the wall, or remember the first step, remember those first words, I know what sticks in my mind.

Original poster
crazyhayz · 26/04/2011 21:08

I agree with last post, thanks for that. I see exactly what you are saying. He is 100% as effective as I am, I have always thought education and doing well are very important, and I couldnt get older knowing I had not fulfilled those aspirations. I have experienced his first words and first steps etc etc, he will be 3 in october, so hes not a little baby, but I see what you are saying. I just never wanted my life to be this way :(

OP posts:
kormachameleon · 26/04/2011 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

millie30 · 26/04/2011 21:09

I'm a lone parent and my DS (2) lives with me full time. I'm doing a degree at the moment so it is perfectly possible. It would be even easier for you I imagine, because your ex shares care and you can use the time your son is with his father to study. To be honest, I think your urge to go off travelling is self indulgent, you are not an 18 year old on a gap year, but a woman in her 20s with responsibilities. I didn't get to go off travelling, there are plenty of places I'd like to visit, but when my degree has got me a better job I'll take my DS on some lovely holidays and do it that way.

hairylights · 26/04/2011 21:10

I have no issue with his dad having residence. I have an issue with you thinking phone contact from you is enough thereafter.

said · 26/04/2011 21:10

Could you not travel with your son when he is little older? Do you think you are missing out on the child-free years or is it the studying and travelling you think you've missed out on?

Original poster
crazyhayz · 26/04/2011 21:14

Ok so take away the fact that I want to go to uni/travelling etc..

What are your thoughts on the fact that he really wants to be with his dad all the time, like literally all the time. Never wants to be apart from him. And that he cries continuously once hes dropped him off to me, and having to deal with that, and see him go through that each time, aswell as myself and ex-partner finding it deeply upsetting to see/hear... Just that alone is hard enough.. How do I deal with that??

OP posts:
HooverTheHamaBeads · 26/04/2011 21:15

I agree with korma

Original poster
crazyhayz · 26/04/2011 21:15

Probably a bit of both Said.

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 26/04/2011 21:17

I think you'll have to prepare yourself for a fight to get your son back after a year. Things can change, people can change and your son would be, presumably, happy and settled with his dad - please bear this in mind before you make any decisions.

It is unfair that society judges mothers who are NRP much much more than NRP Fathers. But that is the way it is, I know that the few men I know (and young boys) who have grown up with their dad's are very angry at their mums. This is only my experience though, and this is probably down to the fact that society judges women so very harshly anyway, IYKWIM? But I do feel it is worth considering.

I also think that you are suffering a little bit with some grief for how you expected your life to turn out, and the way it is. This is normal after the end of a relationship of any sort, and I would strongly urge you not to make any major decisions for at least a year after the break up. This is standard bereavement counselling by the way.

hairylights · 26/04/2011 21:17

Sorry but I have to say this. Lots of us never wanted our lives to be the way they are. But as adults, we have to live with that, do the best we can, and most of all do right by the children we are privelidged to have. You sound like you need to grow up a bit and take responsibility. It doesn't mean abandoning all your ambitions ... You may have to postpone some of them.

Original poster
crazyhayz · 26/04/2011 21:17

My ex has asked me countless times whether he can have him full-time. But i've always said no. But the more I think about the whole situation, with how much he prefers being with his dad and also that I want to get my degree and travel.. I just dont know. I know I sound awful, I love my son so much which is why it is so hard. I want whats best for him, and the thing thats hard to accept is that I know he'd be happier with his dad... :(

OP posts:
davidtennantsmistress · 26/04/2011 21:19

it is hard crazy - and my DS was the same a tthis age - lord knows the amount of times i've sat sobbing with him in my arms cos he's been screaming the house down for his daddy come bed time. or rung my mum in tears cos he's wanted his dad.

it does get easier as they get older & start to realize who it is that's there and actually does stuff with/for them.

davidtennantsmistress · 26/04/2011 21:20

are you sure your ex isn't putting the idea to your son & suggesting it?

ShirleyKnot · 26/04/2011 21:20

I think you will regret it greatly if you make this decision now. You may need help in how to deal with your boy, did you say you had PND earlier (or did I imagine that bit?)

waterrat · 26/04/2011 21:21

crazy - I think you are being too hard on yourself about him crying for his dad - it may be a phase, he may be feeling unsettled by the handover/ the situation changing so often. Is it possible that your feelings about this are making you want to run away/ get away?

Your son needs you. Even if he is clingy/ crying at the moment - he is a small child and needs his mother. Of course you are entitled to your dreams - but from what you say, your child is already feeling unsettled - what he needs is more security not less. It is difficult to see this - I recommed a good book called they fuck you up by Oliver James - about the impact that early care has on children. for example - if you suddenly went away - that would have a HUGE impact on your son - it really would. What would your son learn from that?
He would learn that people you love abandon you - that might sound extreme, but as Oliver James shows, a lot of research has been done on children who lose a parent/ whose parent is away a lot at a young age...

I think you need to take responsibility and accept that even if your son cries a lot, he is a small baby who does not get to decide where he lives! He needs you both - stay calm and remember you are his mother and he needs your love.

No - im sorry to say, you simply cannot just walk away and leave him because you are finding this challenging. You dont get to go travelling now, you have a child who needs you. You may well be finding it difficult and upsetting - but you have to be there for him. What about some counselling for you to help deal with this and to allow you to support your son properly?

waterrat · 26/04/2011 21:22

It sounds to me like your ex is emotionally pressuring you into thinking you should go away and leave your son. I think you need to pull back, be calm and remember that your son needs you. seriously - please do not leave him with your ex full time.

millie30 · 26/04/2011 21:23

Is there any reason why he wants to be with his Dad all the time? I don't want to upset you, but is it possible that he senses some resentment or unhappiness from you which could lead to him preferring to be with his Dad at the moment?

Would it not be better to try to work on your relationship with your son now rather than give him up because you're feeling low, which could mean that you lose him for good?

davidtennantsmistress · 26/04/2011 21:23

sk - yes, and not sure about the other posteres but PND for me meant sitting int he doctors surgery admitting I wanted my son to live else where. perhaps this has come back - and if it has for you OP it's no reason I don't feel for your X to take your son - he needs his mother - he needs you.