Dilemma :( PLEASE HELP :(

[crazyhayz]

Ok so here goes...

I am a 23 year old lone parent to my 2.5 year old. His dad is very much on the scene though and has him overnight 3 nights per week and sees him as often as he can in between. We've been seperated for 3 monthsd an and have now met new people. He is in his final year of his Masters degree and I am starting University full-time in 5 months (eek!) Anyway, I basically had an awful 5 years with him, treated me very badly, and i finally cut my ties. I want to go to University and travel for a couple of years (things i had planned when i was younger but then didnt happen cos i met him and got pregant and he promised hed stand byt me and support me but never moved in with me or emoitonally supported me whatsoever, resulting in my PND for the first year of my sons life). I have mentioned this to his dad and he has asked me if he can have our son full-time. My son is very attached to his dad and cries everytime he has to come back to me which is hard for me to deal with but i know this is common with young children when they are particularly close to one parent). I basically dont know what to do and I need some advice...

I want to make something of my life, get a degree and see the world as i have always wanted. But then again, I dont want people to think badly of me that our son is living with his dad as people seem to have this stereotypical view that all children shouyld be with their mums. My ex is an exceptional father so I know my son would be very very happy being with him full time. But obv i'd miss him alot, but i want to travel and and focus on my degree and do the things I have never been able to do.. I loive my son to death and that wouldnt change that, but i know people will talk and thiunk badly of me for it. Its not like id be doing it for a rubbish reason that means nothing. And id have him bak like a shot when i finish my degree and travels.. but i know he may not want to come back by then which is something id have to prepare for i know...

I am just toally stuck. I know I want to go ahead with it but I'm worried how I may look to people, and obv dont want to mess up my sons head in any way. I just dont know what to do and id really, really appreciate any views on this if possible. Thankyou :)

Where has she questioned her parenting ability and stated that she's lost confidence? All I can see is she wants the young free life she feels she's missing out on. The op was full of what she wants for herself, and worry that people would judge her for pursuing it.

But Diggs, she isn't presenting it that she wants to go abroad and only have phone contact because she is distressed. She is saying she wants to go abroad because she didn't get the chance when she was younger and she's always wanted to do it. What else is her ex supposed to say then, other than that he'll care for their DS?

It sounds like you are using the fact your son cries when leaving his Dad as a justification for abandonning him into your ex's full time care. I guess if your ex is alright with that then it is up to you - there is no reason you should have to see your son more than, say, every second weekend (usual custody agreement for a father's visitations). It is unorthadox, but if the father is willing and able to offer a safe, loving and most importantly PERMANENT home than I guess that is your right. I find it hard to comprehend being able to do that, though.

But you said in your OP your ex didn't support you like he said he would when you had full custody. So what makes you think he will keep looking after your son once the excitement of being the favourite wears off?

My final point - my DD was a total daddy's girl until she was 18 months when Daddy had to go away for 4 months. It was very little time before she had completely converted to being a Mummy's girl and she was happy living with me. Maybe the almost even split of childcare is confusing your son?

Don't think that because he cries when leaving Daddy that he doesn't want to be with you and doesn't love you to, and don't use it to justify separating yourself from him.

Hairy - it seemed to me reading the Ops comments, that she is finding her sons distress at leaving his dad very upsetting. She also said she had a hard time with her ex and had PND. She is young and her desire to go travelling seems tied up with her feelings of worry for her son and the thought that perhaps he would be happier with his father. She has come on here asking for thoughts - and I think that its healthy for people to try to work out whether insecurities and fears about herself are lying underneath her desire to travel.

This isn't AIBU its a section where people can seek reasoned advice. Of course a father can be just as good at doing all the parenting - nobody is denying that. But giving your child up because you are worried you arent making them as happy as the father could - when the child is 2 and a half - is a HUGE decision - and the OP needs help picking apart her motives.

So thats what we are trying to do - help her examine whether there is more to this than a simple desire to go travelling. As Bertie explains, being a single young mum, fresh out of a hard painful relationship is bloody tough - and wanting to run away might be a sign of depression or other problems.

The op even specifically stated that she worries, regardless of the desire to go travelling, whether her son should be with the dad - so I think she needs to be careful about her own insecurities playing a big role in this thought. And - yes, we can assume that someone who has suffered PND can be described as having low self esteem....and a lack of belief in her own parenting.

Im not really willing to debate the ops thoughts or intentions as i do not know them , but to me she sounds like a young mum struggling with all the usual hurdles of being a single parent , something none of us want , a horrible split and a history of pnd .

I assume she has lost confidence in her parenting as she assumes her son would be better off with his dad , a dad whos treated her badly and failed to support her previously . These men dont tend to make great dads as most of us know .I know the only time i have thought my dcs would be better off somewhere else is when i was seriously depressed .

I think some of these posts are actually really harsh and critical . The op is not abusing her son in any way , she has come here for support and is having her doubts confirmed , that yes , her son would be better off living elsewhere . Ive seen kinder posts towards ops who sit back and allow their dcs to be abused by their Hs .

Come on , some of this is a bit much . If this young woman was your grown up daughter would you be half as critical ? And as for travelling , my arse , since when can students afford to travel ? Havent we all at some point looked at our 2 year old screaming bully and wished things were differant ?

Diggs I must be reading a different thread from you, I can't see a lot of the harsh criticism you talk of, confirming her son would be better off living 'elsewhere', which is a rather odd way of saying, with his own father anyway.

What do you mean by ' as for travelling, my arse'? That the op never meant it?

I meant i dont see how its possible while shes at uni and even after that i dont think shes thought it through. Traveling sounds glamouress and interesting until you find yourself picking rotton fruit for 50p an hour with the only veiw being your fellow students arse . It sounds fab until you start to consider youll possibly have to give up your home and your belongings and potentially have no home or job to come back to unless your very lucky .

Then theres the issue of maintenance that shell have to pay , presumable she would want to provide financially for her son , how will she do that while shes travelling ? I might be wrong , but to me it just sounds like escapism , it just doesnt sound realistic.

But maryz if a non resident father decided to leave to travel for a year, only able to phone his child and not able to pay maintenance, would you support that?

Would that, or what the op is actually proposing, be in the child's best interest?

But maryz if a non resident father decided to leave to travel for a year, only able to phone his child and not able to pay maintenance, would you support that?

Would that, or what the op is actually proposing, be in the child's best interest?

Wow, there's a lot of hypocrisy going on here. OP, I am sorry people have been so dickish. Reassure yourself that it is pure misogyny, and if you swapped your gender on the post, and placed it in the future, as a non-resident father who had stayed in touch with his child by phone and now wanted more contact, people would be all over how evil the woman was for stopping you seeing him more. I don't see how it's different just because you're a woman- if his dad is able to care for him, then there's no reason why you should feel obliged to be the resident parent if it's not working for any of you. Non-resident parents love their children just as much and still play an important role in their lives.

I would be worried about being away for longer than a few weeks at his age now, but if you went to uni first, and e.g. saw him every weekend, and after that thought again about travelling for short periods (maybe even taking him- I think lots of kids would love to go travelling), I don't see why it couldn't work. It's completey unfair for people to say you have to give up your dreams because you've had a child- you're still a human being and you still need to try and fulfil your ambitions, just with more planning and maybe more support to let you do so while taking care of another person too. It's bad for children to hold this stupid punitive 'you shouldn't have had kids if you want to do anything else interesting ever again' nonsense ideology- kids do sense parental resentment (I know this from my own upbringing), and really there's no reason parents can't travel or do anything else non-parents can.

Good luck to you and your son!

who said she had to "give up all her dreams" ?

I actually think people have been very restrained on this thread, and are trying to make this silly young woman realise that there are potentially some very awful consequences to her trying to fool herself that what she is proposing to do is in the best interests of her child

it isn't, IMO

and I would say the same to a father who decided that study and travelling (involving leaving a very young child for long periods of time by choice ) took a higher priority than building sound connections with said child at such a crucial age

telephone contact ? when you have a choice ?

I would call such a dad a "deadbeat dad" tbqh

and before anyone jumps on me, I am excluding those in the Armed Forces etc who have no choice in the matter

this girl sounds like she is just resentful that she is missing out on her youth and wishing she had the opportunities that others of her age have

she wants it...and she wants it now rather than accepting she made a choice when she went through with the pg that such plans were still possible but that she might have to wait a few years

I would also bet a considerable amount of money that this "new partner" (who no-one else has referred to) has something to do with her plans too

it's academic now anyway, since Op appears to have done a runner..

I sort of know how you feel. Before I met my hubby I worked abroad and travelled alot from when I left uni to when I met him. I miss it so much and long to do it again. I crave the independance and carefree life sometimes. I have also suffered with clinical depression for a good few years and although it is kept under control by meds and I usually feel fine in myself these days I still get days when I feel down.
However whenever I have contemplated my daughter it has stopped there. I dont think I could ever bring mysef to leave her even if I had a partner like your own who seems so devoting. My DD is 18 months now. Its hard being a mum, its almost as if you become a nobody sometimes and being stuck at home all day with a toddler is not always fun ...............on the other hand the days I spent abroad were often also lonely, especially being in a country where you don't know the language well.
There is a song which I often thought of its called 'never been to me' by Charlene - have a listen!
If your depression being treated? If it is not you might be finding it difficult to make the same decsions as you might with not being depressed - remember that. Also I went to Uni a few years later and there were a lot of mature students around then. Rememeber you still have plenty of time and it might be better to wait until your little one is at school.

Sorry, not read a huge amount of the posts here but just thought I would add my experience as I sympathise greatly.

I'm a 28 year old single parent to an 11 year old. I left his father at 10 months old due to DV and went back to my parents for a while. From then on I worked at trying to rebuild my life into something vaguely worthwhile and close to what I had hoped for before becoming pregnant. I did it with a hell of a lot of support from my parents but if your ex is supportive with looking after your DS that's half the battle. The sense of grief I felt through my early twenties was immense - it was gauling to look at all my friends going through uni having a whale of a time and being free to live their lives how they choose. I'm not going to lie - it was hard and pretty lonely and I went through periods of depression - I always felt I was destined for greater things!! However - in retrospect, having my DS around helped me to succeed and gave me increased motvation to exceed expectations. I actually think my career has (eventually) benefitted from the experience of bringing him up alone and working/ studying.

I also always dreamed of travelling, in fact I hadn't ever wanted children - I just wanted to travel the world. I still do - but I know it will happen when DS is grown up and one benefit of having him so young is that I will still be young too - as will you! Plus I will have the career and financial stability to be able to support it. Which means I will no doubt enjoy it more.

What I'm saying it that it is totally possible to have your DS stay with you and achieve your dreams. You may have to rethink exactly how it is achieved - and alter it every time a curveball is thrown your way but you can make it happen. Your DS may just be going through a phase. There's also, I think, a mental realignmet to realise DS is part of your dream. It took a while for me to properly realise he was something amazing and actually I was in a very privilieged position.

Sorry for the long post but the OP just really struck a chord. Good luck!

Never give up your DS OP. I've seen 2 men who were 'left' by their mothers and although both reacted very differently, it has scarred the pair of them. One is paralysed, unable to be an adult, can't even sustain an erection, is a total non-man and never will be able to have a relationship with anyone.

The other is ridiculous to the extreme about giving his DD the best, to the point of not allowing her to grow up, spoiling her and trying to make up for what he didn't have.

Your DS is 2.5, he won't remember your reasons, valid or otherwise, and your X will poison his mind against you, he already is, all your son will think is that HE wasn't important enough for YOU to stay with him. You pissing off around the world without him will fuck him up for life. You'll never get him back. Your Ex is trying to manipulate his son, that is clear. Healthy relationships don't produce this. Either that or he is playing Uncle Dad, and letting him have non-stop fun with no boring stuff. That's not fair and not realistic.

If you want to further your education, may I suggest a Degree in Common Sense Seriously though, you can study and still be a mother, and that is what you have to do.

My X is shit. always was, always will be. I've never had any support, and only been abused and downtrodden for the last decade. OK so I am technically old enough to be your mother, even though my DS is 5, but there is no way on earth I want to go anywhere around the world without my DS. I can't wait til he's old enough to go on a mega road trip or camping in Yellowstone - well camping, erm perhaps not THAT extreme, but you get the drift. We are going to North Wales and then Ireland this summer and I am so excited.

We used to live abroad, so I am not itching to get back on a plane anytime soon, but one day he and I will go exploring together, all the places X stopped me from seeing.

why haylooo, HerHissyness

how the devil are you ?

You are looking SOOOOO good!

And you are NOT orange!

Regal suits you dahling,

I have may hat for Friday, dahling

how about you ?

Got my flag ready, and Simpkins has tidied the Moat, and even polished the drawbridge!

Oh yes, forgot this...

[cwink]

Most people on here will tell you to keep your child period! Unfortunately life isn't that easy. No matter how much it hurts you have to think bluntly, If your ex wants your ds more than you do then he would probably be better with him full time, You can still be a big part of his life without being the main carer and you will have to thicken your skin because you will be questioned etc by people.
HOWEVER, travelling would realistically be withdrawing from his life altogether and to think that you would be able to just plop yourself back into his life when you return ISN'T realistic.
So you need to think about exactly want you want from this not only now but in the future because your decision now will determine your relationship with your ds for the rest of your life.

I am saying this impartially as personally I would and could never hand my ds over (who is 2 nxt month) regardless of the things I haven't done in my life that I wanted to. But everone if differnet we cannot all be as maternal as others.

PLEASE BE CAREFUL WHAT ADVICE YOU TAKE FROM THESE PAGES AS WE ARE NOT PROFESSIONALS AND WHAT SOME SAY ON HERE CAN BE VERY DAMAGING TO VULNERABLE PEOPLE, THIS ALSO INCLUDES FRIENDS / FAMILY. YOU REALLY NEED TO BE SPEAKING TO A QUALIFIED COUNCELLOR ABOUT A DECISION SO SERIOUS.

At one time I gave serious consideration to my ex's proposal that he have DD Mon-Fri and I have her just at weekends. It was just after our split, and I was feeling overwhelmed by the practical aspects of managing work and DD. I'm so, so glad that some people managed to talk me out of it. (To show you how bad my judgement was: it was the staff at the refuge where I'd gone due to DV who talked me out of it). It would have been a horrible mistake. My ex wasn't being "nice" at all, he had sensed my moment of weakness and doubt and was trying to take over DD. I don't know if it's because of his abandonment issues with his own mother, but my ex has always seen DD as a competition to be won.

I don't want to project my situation onto you, but let me say this: your son needs you. I think it's a good idea to study - you can certainly do so while having shared residence. As for travel, I have done quite a lot, and I honestly think that short bursts are the way to go. You have long summer holidays from your studies - there's nothing to stop you going away for two weeks at the start of the summer, two weeks at the end and having your son in the middle. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

At the very least, don't agree to your ex being the resident parent until after you've started your studies, and you can see that you really can make it work.

Actually WibblyBibble if a man came on here and said he wanted to dump his kid, feck off abroad and phone occasionally, not pay any maintenance and then come back and take the kid away from the parent that had been there for him all the time I would say he was a selfish wanker who didn't deserve anything.

I put it a little more politely for the OP no misogyny at all.

I think he can tell he isn't your priority You are. He would be better off with his dad but you still need to be his mum and be available. Youa re young and tbh when you are older and less selfish you will probably regret it but that is not a good enough reason to keep custody as reading your posts that could take years

Three separate issues here:

1. Who would be best placed to have primary care of your DS as things stand right now - you or your XP.

1. Whether it's sensible and appropriate for you to go to Uni and study.

1. Whether it's sensible and appropriate for you to go travelling.

My answer to 2 is absolutely, to 3 is absolutely not, and I don't have enough information to answer 1.