Dilemma :( PLEASE HELP :(

[crazyhayz]

Ok so here goes...

I am a 23 year old lone parent to my 2.5 year old. His dad is very much on the scene though and has him overnight 3 nights per week and sees him as often as he can in between. We've been seperated for 3 monthsd an and have now met new people. He is in his final year of his Masters degree and I am starting University full-time in 5 months (eek!) Anyway, I basically had an awful 5 years with him, treated me very badly, and i finally cut my ties. I want to go to University and travel for a couple of years (things i had planned when i was younger but then didnt happen cos i met him and got pregant and he promised hed stand byt me and support me but never moved in with me or emoitonally supported me whatsoever, resulting in my PND for the first year of my sons life). I have mentioned this to his dad and he has asked me if he can have our son full-time. My son is very attached to his dad and cries everytime he has to come back to me which is hard for me to deal with but i know this is common with young children when they are particularly close to one parent). I basically dont know what to do and I need some advice...

I want to make something of my life, get a degree and see the world as i have always wanted. But then again, I dont want people to think badly of me that our son is living with his dad as people seem to have this stereotypical view that all children shouyld be with their mums. My ex is an exceptional father so I know my son would be very very happy being with him full time. But obv i'd miss him alot, but i want to travel and and focus on my degree and do the things I have never been able to do.. I loive my son to death and that wouldnt change that, but i know people will talk and thiunk badly of me for it. Its not like id be doing it for a rubbish reason that means nothing. And id have him bak like a shot when i finish my degree and travels.. but i know he may not want to come back by then which is something id have to prepare for i know...

I am just toally stuck. I know I want to go ahead with it but I'm worried how I may look to people, and obv dont want to mess up my sons head in any way. I just dont know what to do and id really, really appreciate any views on this if possible. Thankyou :)

I think you are doing a very good job of persuading yourself that your little boy would be better off living full time with his father

Why don't you just be honest with yourself and accept that you have changed your mind (or your circumstances have changed, verbalise it whichever way you like) and don't wish to take resident responsibility for him ?

yes it is unusual

yes you will probably be judged

trying to convince us (and yourself) that the situation is out of your control and impossible to manage is entirely wrong, though

own your decisions

lots of lone parents manage to study, especially when they have supportive partners and ex-partners who are good and responsible fathers to their own children. Many, many lone parents don't have that kind of network

I, for one, will not tell you it's ok for you to hand over your own son so that you can travel the world, sorry

I agree with the other posters - you sound as though you are losing your self confidence as a mother because of this and think perhaps your son would be better off with his dad. This might be PND? Or it might be your ex taking advantage and putting very unkind and unfair pressure on you. maybe your son cries at his dads for you?

Crazy, is this something that you have been thinking of for sometime or are you having a rough time at the moment and this seems like a way out? I really don't want to judge you and I won't; if you truly feel that this is best for your son to be with his dad and not you then you must do as your conscience tells you to do.

Trouble is, your post has suggested that this is what's best for you and maybe that's why some of the respondants have reacted as they have.

Maybe you need to put some additional effort/get some support for improving your parenting skills to see whether your son can be happier whilst he's with you. He's the innocent in all of this and deserves two loving parents to be around for him. Whether you are together or not, doesn't matter but you need to be around for him.

Yes, I see you did suffer from PND. I really think this is something worth exploring OP.

HI there, I think you have to think about this decision in depth, you can go to University and still have care of your child if you was a stay at home student i.e did not live on campus, you could get help with childcare etc.,

If you give your son to his father for full time care you may never get him back.

You would have to live with that for the rest of your life.

There is nothing to say that he cannot be the primary carer, the mother usually does it but why shouldn't the father?

Sit down and talk to your ex about it, work out how you would maintain contact, how often you could see him.

There is nothing wrong with your ex being the resident parent and you being a good parent who sees as much of her child as her child needs.

I assume a degree will take several years after your year travelling? So your son will be settled and happy and maybe even have started school and you will just want to whip him off, completely unsettle and change his life because it is what you have decided not what is best for your child?

Your child may know who his mother is but you will not be his mummy. That will in all possibility could become your ex's partner who picks him up and cuddles him after he falls over, helps to bath him, is involved reading to him at bed time who he may see as mummy.

Who will pay for your child living with his dad while you go off around the world and get a degree and pop in and see your son when you pop back briefly to the UK?

There is nothing stopping you getting a degree while your son is with you. Maybe you cannot have a worldwide travel experience but you and your son can holiday in fabulous places.

Travelling v a great relationship with your son? I personally think 'travelling' is over rated anyway.

You wanted my opinion.............I think children need their mothers.

What do your parents/family think about it?

I haven't read the rest of the replies, because I read the OP when there were only one or two, and couldn't think what to say. But I've been thinking about this all evening so I wanted to post anyway.

I'm 22 and a single parent to a 2 year old, so in sort of a similar situation. It is hard. It must be hard at any age, but I find it really, really hard to do everything. Sometimes I think I'm not doing well enough for him. There are days that I think if I had someone there, who I trusted 100% to look after him, and I had the option to just leave him and go off and live the life of a normal 22 year old, I would take it in a flash. Usually it's when I speak to friends who have been to uni, or see things that my bf is planning to do, like go on holiday with friends, or have an all night party, or if I just walk through town at 6pm on a Friday night and feeling the start of that going out atmosphere. I'm a part time student at uni and while I love it, I sometimes wish that I could do it properly, not have to worry about DS, be like the other students.

But then if I ever stop to think about it practically, I wouldn't - I don't have the option, but if I did - I wouldn't just be able to relax and enjoy a happy carefree 22 year old existence, I'd be constantly thinking about DS, wondering if I did the right thing, wondering if he was happy. Maybe I'd forget for a bit, but can you imagine being on a night out and suddenly wishing you'd been there that night to tuck them in or read them a bedtime story? Or coming back after a trip away, and suddenly he's changed and he can read or he has developed an obsession with dinosaurs or he can ride a bike, and you missed that?

Yes, sometimes I feel bad that I can't do the things I want to do. Sometimes I wish that I'd had him when I was older, sometimes I even resent him, often I feel guilty about this, and about the way I'm not perfect with him - but that doesn't even compare to how awful I imagine it would feel to know I had given him up - and this is just imagining, so I'm guessing it would feel even worse in reality. When I put it that way... it just seems like a no-brainer. Maybe it's selfish to think in terms of guilt/regrets for yourself, but I don't know.

Practically - you can do uni where you are - you can do a part time course, or an Open University course. Travelling I've pretty much accepted will have to happen once he's grown up and left home, if it happens at all. TBH even if I didn't have DS to think of, I couldn't afford to go travelling anyway, so again, not an option.

This will inevitably "mess with your sons head" and to be honest I think you sound quite selfish. Please please don't abandon your son to go on an extended holiday, and please please don't abandon him so you can spend 3 years getting pissed 5 nights a week at uni. He is your boy and he needs you.

Your son is possibly picking up on your wanderlust and feeling insecure. He already has had to deal with his parents break up, and now you think he will benefit from you disappearing for a year? It's not reality. It will affect him deeply, only he is too young to verbalise it.

I agree with the others who say you can still study whilst being a mum, which is what you are, and need to be. Travel can come later, degrees don't take forever.

Please don't think I'm judging you for feeling the way you do, but a year without his mum will feel like a life time to a three year old.

Bertie that is an amazing post. You sound like a fantastic mother.

OP, please read Bertie's post very, very carefully

I've read this thread and I don't think anyone has mentioned that, if this little boy were left with his dad, he might well cry unconditionally for his mummy.

It's a real possibility.

Bertie's post is lovely and very, very true.

good post bertie - nice to hear from someone in this position. I think OP that you are in a really tough place - and of course its hard being a single mum - of course you want what is best for your son. But what your son needs is his mum around - not another sudden upheaval where his primary carer vanishes. I think you need to talk to someone about your feelings properly.

And id have him bak like a shot when i finish my degree and travels.. but i know he may not want to come back by then

That may not be your decision to make, my friend did something similar with her parents and then when she had got herself back on track wanted her child back and they said no, £8k later they have joint custody, shared school holidays etc, she will never be the only parent in her childs life every decision has to be run past her parents.

I agree that you have to take responsibility for your decision. It doesn't matter what other people think; what do you think is the best thing for you and your son.

You have to weigh it up very carefully. There are two things I think you need to consider - once you have missed those years, you can never get them back. And if you do go and he lives full time with his dad, you can't expect to have him 'back' - that would be very selfish, to simply come back in a few years and expect to up root him all over again. If you go and your ex becomes full time parent, that will be it until your son is old enough to vote with his feet.

I think your son would be happier with a parent who wanted to care for him full time and who didn't end up resentful about the life not lived. But you would be sacrificing an awful lot, so make sure you think it through and weigh up all the pros and cons.

Three months is not long. Early days, too soon to make big decisions. You had PND and 5 years of being treated badly.

Your little boy will settle down with you if you stick around and work at it, and stand up to your ex. You (both) are what your son needs.

Do you know many other young, single mums? They, like bertie, might be able to talk about stuff.

I had PND for the first year of DD1's life....but my fear was being away from her I worked shifts and sometimes didnt see her from lunchtime one day till evening the next day, I couldnt handle it I knew she was being well looked after between myself DH and Dmil but I couldnt get enough of her, I couldnt even entertain the thought of being away from her for a long period of time. I think you are looking for an out here (really dont want to upset you) but perhaps you need to speak to someone, your relationship has broken down and your DS is obv missing his daddy living with him.

Sounds like your ex has made it as tough as possible for you so that he dan get custody of your ds and you will be out of the picture. Not the actions of a good parent.

Go to uni and get your degree but wait until your son is older before going travelling- he will not understand why you have left to go around the world. He should be your priority- not yourself. Grow up.

I had a similar arrangement with my parents when I was a single parent to DD in my teens. I went to university and they looked after him, although I saw him every weekend and throughout the holidays. I was a bit younger than you though, and doing a very intensive degree (medicine) that needed my full focus. I had the chance to travel as well, not for a whole year but during some of the holidays. Those experiences were really valuable as they've influenced my current career direction, so it set up a solid foundation for our lives together.

DD is 14 now and doesn't actually remember ever living with her grandparents during that time. She's doing really well and is secure with me and has never questioned my role as her main carer. I think she benefitted from having a great relationship with my parents (and siblings who lived at home as well). I don't think it's selfish to spend time away from your child; plenty of parents work away from home for long periods and your child needs his mum to be happy and fulfilled.

However, I would be more careful though in your position. I'd be a bit worried about your ex wanting full time residence after a year, especially as your son is so attached to him. That was never a concern in my case, my parents were always very good with boundaries but it may not be possible with your ex.

But jacket that's not what the OP is proposing.

I have no issue with the father being the resident parent, but I really have issue with the OP going off to pursue her ambitions to travel and only maintaining phone contact with her child.

If a man had posted the same, then they would have had a real flaming about the interests of the child to have their father in their life, while the child is resident with the mother.

And I fear that if the OP thinks it's ok to do that and expect her son back afterwards, she's got a horrible shock coming.