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Dilemma :( PLEASE HELP :(

113 replies

crazyhayz · 26/04/2011 14:43

Ok so here goes...

I am a 23 year old lone parent to my 2.5 year old. His dad is very much on the scene though and has him overnight 3 nights per week and sees him as often as he can in between. We've been seperated for 3 monthsd an and have now met new people. He is in his final year of his Masters degree and I am starting University full-time in 5 months (eek!) Anyway, I basically had an awful 5 years with him, treated me very badly, and i finally cut my ties. I want to go to University and travel for a couple of years (things i had planned when i was younger but then didnt happen cos i met him and got pregant and he promised hed stand byt me and support me but never moved in with me or emoitonally supported me whatsoever, resulting in my PND for the first year of my sons life). I have mentioned this to his dad and he has asked me if he can have our son full-time. My son is very attached to his dad and cries everytime he has to come back to me which is hard for me to deal with but i know this is common with young children when they are particularly close to one parent). I basically dont know what to do and I need some advice...

I want to make something of my life, get a degree and see the world as i have always wanted. But then again, I dont want people to think badly of me that our son is living with his dad as people seem to have this stereotypical view that all children shouyld be with their mums. My ex is an exceptional father so I know my son would be very very happy being with him full time. But obv i'd miss him alot, but i want to travel and and focus on my degree and do the things I have never been able to do.. I loive my son to death and that wouldnt change that, but i know people will talk and thiunk badly of me for it. Its not like id be doing it for a rubbish reason that means nothing. And id have him bak like a shot when i finish my degree and travels.. but i know he may not want to come back by then which is something id have to prepare for i know...

I am just toally stuck. I know I want to go ahead with it but I'm worried how I may look to people, and obv dont want to mess up my sons head in any way. I just dont know what to do and id really, really appreciate any views on this if possible. Thankyou :)

OP posts:
Baggypussy · 27/04/2011 16:46

Would I judge you for pissing off travelling and leaving your son behind? Yes, I most certainly would.

Since when did making something of your life equate to travelling? The big wide world will still be there once your son has grown up. His formative years are far more important than your desire to travel IMHO.

As another poster said, it's totally possible to study at the same time as being a Mum.

Incidentally, I would also judge your partner in the same way if the boot were on the other foot.

hairylights · 27/04/2011 16:55

I love your name baggy

TheOriginalFAB · 27/04/2011 17:09

Just in case the OP does come back.

You have to separate your issues.

Do you still have depression? If so get yourself to the GP and get help/support/medication.

Once your mental health is well you will be in a better frame of mind to make such a huge decision.

Your degree - do you have the option to defer/study at home?

What are you doing for money now and what will you do when you are doing your degree and off travelling?

It feels like you have made your decision and that is to leave your son with his father. If that is the case and you are 100% sure it is the right one, then have the courage of your convictions and say you wish you had not had your son as it hasn't turned out as you thought and right now you want time for yourself.

Bearslikehoneyintheirtummy · 27/04/2011 20:17

Remember all this travelling and study is going to cost a lot of money. Would you work abroad or is it just going for holidays? Even when you go and work abroad when you come back to the UK you are usually worse off than when you started out. Going to uni and paying for course fees is also very expensive. I am not sure what your financial situation is and you may well get help but consider the fact that most grads come out of uni now with a £20.000 + debt - that should not put you off doing what you really want to do, but you need to keep costs in mind.

vickylou2004 · 27/04/2011 21:12

I CANNOT believe this post!!
Why on earth did you have a child, because it certainly sounds as though you didn't want one??

I can't understand how someone can not naturally want to be with their child and bugger off for A YEAR??

Some people are unable to concieve. You don't deserve to have your son. And why do you suppose that your son never wants to leave his Dad? Because he senses your lack of wanting to bond with him.

Take responsibilty for your son and be his Mum. This will effect how he eventually will feel about you and how he will percieve other people.

Get a grip. Coming from a mother of 2 this has raged me intensely.

babylann · 27/04/2011 21:15

OP, I can somewhat sympathise with you because I too am 23 and have an unplanned DD. Me and the dad are still together, which is a big difference, but I am in a similar situation regarding university. I found out I was pregnant a week before I was due to move to uni and start the exciting life of partying and self-discovery.

Firstly, I would say you should stop blaming your ex for the situation you are in. When you were pregnant, it was your decision to make, and whatever promises he made shouldn't have factored into your choice. You either have the baby because you want it, or you have an abortion. DP made a lot of promises and sacrifices for me, but truthfully it wouldn't have mattered anyway - I knew I wanted the baby and would never have felt right with a termination, so I kept her. When I first got pregnant, even though I was already engaged with DP and deeply in love, I had to ask myself: "If this all goes wrong and DP leaves me, will I be able to cope?" And I decided I could, or that I'd give it my very best shot at least. You can't blame anyone but yourself for the position you are in now.

Secondly, though my DD is only almost 12 months, I know how heartbreaking it can be to think she doesn't love me as much as she loves everyone else. She screams bloody murder when she comes home from her weekly visit to her grandparents. When DP first gets home, she clings on to him and cries whenever he hands her back to me. But I always know if it was the other way around, and I was the one who she only saw for a few hours a day/week, she would be the same for me. She just doesn't have to express her love for me, because she knows I'll always be there. If I leave the room, she knows I'll be back within minutes. I think your DS is just struggling with saying goodbye to his dad, who he knows he won't see again for a few days. He will adjust to it in time, I'm sure of it, just as I believe my DD will when she understands better that she can't have everyone she loves around her 24/7.

Thirdly, I completely understand the urge and desperation to reclaim the life you think you're missing out on - the life you always believed you were destined to have. I went back to college at 19, spent two very isolated years in a sixth form where everybody was 3 years younger than me (and thought I was a weirdo) JUST so I could get the big prize of university at the end of it. I got good grades in my A Levels, got a place at a brilliant university in a big city where I could fulfil my dreams of getting pissed every night and sleeping until whatever time I wanted, and it was snatched away from me. And it is a horrible thing to have to come to terms with. And it doesn't hit home until you're not pregnant anymore, or caring for a brand new special newborn anymore. As soon as the novelty and excitement of parenting wears off, you're bound to go through a period of mourning for what could have been. It's difficult but you have to accept it.

I think you may still have PND, or a different form of depression. When I had (yet to be realised) PND, I actually managed to convince myself and even DP that it would be for the best that I moved away to uni and came back at weekends to visit. Deep down, I knew I didn't want to even come back at weekends. I loved DD, I loved DP, but I was utterly miserable. It wasn't the real me talking. The real me would never have wanted to abandon my lovely little family in the attempt to live the life of a single girl. Luckily, I quickly came to realise that wasn't the life I planned. I didn't go through nine dreadful months of pregnancy and 3 days of labour so I could hand her over to someone else and forget about her for 3 years.

Think of it this way. The first few years are the hardest. You did those years. You went through the teething, the night terrors, the scary fevers, the tantrums, the dangerous crawling towards plug sockets. Why stop now?

I think that once you've accepted responsibility for your situation, and realised that your son does love you and is just a child who cries when he has to say goodbye to his dad, you will probably feel very differently about university and travelling. I think you may be in denial about a few things.

I agree with an above poster that, if you're serious about this, you should talk to a professional about it. And potentially visit your GP regarding depression as, in all honesty, I think you just want to run away and are perhaps making excuses for yourself whether you realise it or not.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk, and sorry for the essay.

Diggs · 27/04/2011 22:14

Op , if your still about i hope youve found someone to talk things over with in real life , its not a good idea to make life changing decisions just after a split , it sounds like you were very young when you got together and hes obviously hasnt treated you well . Give yourself some time to recover before from all this before you decide anything .

fireblademum · 27/04/2011 22:39

not read whole thread, but i went travelling in my 30's ( i left it late for various reasons, but not due to kids) ans i can say i got loads more out of it than the 20 somethings i met. i had a career, lots of skills and id got over the urge to party long before i travelled. i saw lots of the younger ones have to go home early because theyd partied their money away and had no bankable skills. you dont need to travel now, leave it 10 years at least.

roadrunnerbeepbeep · 28/04/2011 00:07

hi Crazy

My DD is about the same age and has been going through a major dad only phase - we are together so its not an issue but I think you should be wary about giving up residency just because its a phase - and you don't know how much he might miss you if you weren't there every night.

And for the travelling thing, as someone else said, why not just take him with you in a couple of years. I travelled loads with my parents from about the age of 5 and loved every minute of it.

welliesandpyjamas · 28/04/2011 07:35

OP has been separated from ex for only 3 months - this surely has to be a major reason for the ds crying and feeling clingy, whatever he/his dad are saying it is about. Going off travelling will break his little heart and things will never be the same again. OP cannot blame ex for her disappointment - yes, he broke his promises but at least he didn't move in and settle down against his will, making for a worse family environment for all concerned.

So...

  • postpone the travelling or take him with you, it's the perfect age for that, he will marvel in all the new places and people but not miss out on schooling (I have done this, it works!)
  • go to uni, what's to stop you? Howvery different is it from working full time, anyway?
  • move on from the past and become the Grown Up Woman you always wanted to be and enjoy who you are.
CinnabarRed · 28/04/2011 09:07

Babylann - what an inspiring post. Smile

frazzle26 · 28/04/2011 09:58

OP, I am in exactly the same position as you. I a 28 year old single mum with an 8 year old son. I look longingly at my friends and my sister when they go off travelling to far flung places and I am stuck at home having not even been abroad for 8 years. My son and I have had 1 holiday since he was born.

However, I would never do what you are contemplating doing. I am currently in my 3rd year at uni so it is possible to study with a child. I wouldn't miss being with him for anything. There are millions of women who can't even have children who have probably done all the things that I long to do yet they probably envy me for having a child. It's swings and roundabouts.

Remember, the world will still be there when your child is grown up. Your child is only a child once. That is what I tell myself when I think of the fun I'm going to have travelling when he's all grown up!!

waterrat · 28/04/2011 11:51

lovely post babylann. hope you are still reading here OP.

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