Dilemma :( PLEASE HELP :(

[crazyhayz]

Ok so here goes...

I am a 23 year old lone parent to my 2.5 year old. His dad is very much on the scene though and has him overnight 3 nights per week and sees him as often as he can in between. We've been seperated for 3 monthsd an and have now met new people. He is in his final year of his Masters degree and I am starting University full-time in 5 months (eek!) Anyway, I basically had an awful 5 years with him, treated me very badly, and i finally cut my ties. I want to go to University and travel for a couple of years (things i had planned when i was younger but then didnt happen cos i met him and got pregant and he promised hed stand byt me and support me but never moved in with me or emoitonally supported me whatsoever, resulting in my PND for the first year of my sons life). I have mentioned this to his dad and he has asked me if he can have our son full-time. My son is very attached to his dad and cries everytime he has to come back to me which is hard for me to deal with but i know this is common with young children when they are particularly close to one parent). I basically dont know what to do and I need some advice...

I want to make something of my life, get a degree and see the world as i have always wanted. But then again, I dont want people to think badly of me that our son is living with his dad as people seem to have this stereotypical view that all children shouyld be with their mums. My ex is an exceptional father so I know my son would be very very happy being with him full time. But obv i'd miss him alot, but i want to travel and and focus on my degree and do the things I have never been able to do.. I loive my son to death and that wouldnt change that, but i know people will talk and thiunk badly of me for it. Its not like id be doing it for a rubbish reason that means nothing. And id have him bak like a shot when i finish my degree and travels.. but i know he may not want to come back by then which is something id have to prepare for i know...

I am just toally stuck. I know I want to go ahead with it but I'm worried how I may look to people, and obv dont want to mess up my sons head in any way. I just dont know what to do and id really, really appreciate any views on this if possible. Thankyou :)

OK so look at it another way.
You are a single parent, Your ex normally takes your dc 3 days a week and is a good and supportive parent. The time when ex has your dc allows you to catch up with the rest of your life, friends and work.
And then they announce they are going travelling for a year...

Yes, they'll 'phone every day' and 'have him back like a shot when they return but you both know that what is really happening is they are leaving you with all the work and removing all the support. So how would you feel if ex did this to you?

Another example: my SIL had a baby when living abroad. She brought the baby home to her mum and returned abroad to 'finish' her job there, leaving her dd with her mother. She stayed abroad another year and when she came home her dd didn't recognise her of course, When her dd cried she didn't know how to comfort her. She panicked when left alone with her and the bond never came back. Now SIL's dd is 19 and there is still no bond between the two of them. I know she found motherhood tough but I am 100% sure that if she had stuck it out and stayed with her dd when she was little then she would have built a better relationship with her over time. Instead it was pretty fucked up for life

Many parents feel like you do , i did , its not unusual . I think 2 and a half is a bit of a rotton age to be honest , they will cry and scream over anything , mine would scream for hours because the dog looked at him . He will be totally differant in a year.

You sound like youve lost confidence in yourself as a parent , which isnt surprising with his dad keep asking to have him full time . Im afraid i dont agree with your description of him being this fantastic dad , good dads support their pregnant partner , they dont neglect them while theyre suffering from pnd . Tell him No , its not up for discussion and have a discussion about this crying . You keep saying hes a brilliant dad but im really concerned about whats actually going on here , for a start he wants to take his son away from his mother , which is not in your sons best interests. And he has his parents support on this doesnt he .

When its time for your son to come home what is he saying ? Is he saying " Oh ds , youve got to go back to mummys house , you wont see me for days ill miss you so much , daddy will be so sad , fuss fuss drama drama " . Because really your ex should be saying " Woo ds , its time to go to mummys now , and you can play with your loveley toys , maybe mummy will take you to the park ect ect , how exciting ".

Unless you are beating your son with a stick this is not a normal reaction and is possible a REaction to something your ex is saying or doing . What has your ex done to resolve this problem ? Was he previously emotionally abusive to you Op ? Because men who Ea their partners will often Ea theyre children too to upset their mothers . ( Nobody needs to go off on a tangent , but its worth ruling out )

Your really young , and its really really hard , but you can do this . You can still go travelling , in short bursts when hes a little older . Tell this fucker that No , hes not having him full time , that if he continues to come home upset youll have to decrease contact . When your Ds does come home screaming and snotting as they all do , remember he is 2 , screaming is their hobby . Ignore the screaming , be excited to see him , swing him round and chuck him about , be fun and exciting .

Youve lost confidance , start beleiving in yourself ( flexes arms in a shera type fashion )

I agree with Bertie and Diggs.

I'm really trying not to judge. Really am. But making those kinds of sacrifices is what being a mum is... we've all got ambitions, and dreams and stuff that will never happen now after dc. But that's what you sign up for.

I'm a lone parent that works full time, and I cannot conceive of leaving my children for a year.

where is OP ?

Very very good post Diggs.

OP, don't lose confidence. The transitions from one parents to the other are the hardest part of shared parenting - for parents and child. My DD used to sob and sob when I dropped her off at her dad's. But he stuck with it, and now she just tells me to get lost when I drop her off!

Hang on in there. There is still lots of time for fun and being a twentysomething when your DS is at his dad's. As another poster said, travelling is overrated anyway.

PS I wouldn't judge you for a minute. It is HARD HARD HARD even for a hard-bitten woman of the world like me, and you are quite young, and still getting over PND.

thanks everyone, I didn't think it was that good. I cried a bit writing it, though I've been crying loads at the moment. It made me think too. Have been a bit down/stressed lately and wondering what life would be like without DS in it but I'm glad I thought about it - having a life without him but missing him would be far far worse than struggling with him but missing all the "other" bits. There will be more time for that, when he's older. I wish I had someone to babysit more often though, or overnight - that would be amazing. If it's hard though, it's just hard. The thing that would magically make it easier is always out of reach. You just have to keep on through it and know it isn't forever.

OP, if you have the funds to go travelling, could you do it with your son in tow? This is something I'd absolutely love to do, but it's a pipe dream really since I will never have the money to do it before he gets into the more serious parts of school. If you do have the means to do it, now or in the next few years would be the time, and the experience would be fantastic for him.

Op the more i think about it , the more i beleive that he is emotionally abusing you , and its had the desired affect hasnt it . He looks the great fantastic dad while your not coping and wanting to effectiveley run away . I actually dont think your wanting to run away from your son , but to run away from the situation , and the ex who is pressurizing you to hand your son over .

You are young , you have a baby , hes treated you like shit for years , youve had pnd and a major break up , who wouldnt be feeling down and overwhelmed ?

Threatening to take a child away from its mother is a well known form of abuse that often happens after a split to punish the mother . Some men do this directly by employing soliciters , others work on the child and interefere with the mother / child bond causing the mother to feel like a failure . Its insidious and nasty , and designed to upset you and punish you and make you feel like a failure . Theres lots written about it , and it can easily happen , even to a child as young as yours .

www.brainwashingchildren.com/category/divorce/

Consider it . Also consider that this great guy is NOT acting in his sons best interest in wanting to take him away from you .

Theres a very good book called Divorce Poisen that you might want to read . Ive got it , for obvious reasons.

People have made massive assumptions on this thread (unless I'm missing something) about the ex. I can't see anything that even hints he could be abusing/manipulating.

I agree hairylights , the op said it was she who mentioned travelling to her ex, and then he asked if he could have ds.

Why does the ex always have to be a bastard?

Agreed.

the OP said the ex was always asking if he could have the boy full time - and she also mentioned that she had a very hard time while she was with him - from him. she also said she had PND. so I think its valid to question whether the ex is making her feel bad about her parenting - or contributing to her low self esteem.

You know.... without wishing to sound unsympathetic, it just sounds to me like the OP is bored with being a parent and wants to fuck off out of it for a year.

Sorry, but that's how it reads to me. Her ex sounds a great dad, but she's had enough and wants out for a while. I personally think the PND is kind of irrelevant.

Me , you mean. And i havent assumed , ive said its worth considering . And i really hope its not the case .

I can see plenty to suggest hes not the nicest person . He promised the op he would stand by her and support her , hes done neither , but has treated her like shit for the last 5 years . He did not support her when she had pnd , but is now dad of the year . He claims he can not bear to hand the boy over as it distresses him so much but apears to have done nothing to ease his sons distress . He wants for the child to be away from his mother , which is NOT in his sons best interests .

I am divorced . I cant stand my ex , but my dcs love him . I have done everything i can to encourage their relationship because i know how important it is to them , it would devestate me if he stopped seeing them . Nearly every woman who divorces has one main fear , the relationship between the dcs and the nrp suffering . Nearly all of us do all we can to encourage that . We dont try to take them away and encourage our exes to go off abroad and to not be in their lives , because we want whats best for our kids . And being away from your mum is in no childs interest unless there are serious problems.

What on earth makes you think you would ever get him back after your degree A degree "and travels" takes more than three years...by which time your son will be in school and he will have spent most of his life with his Dad.

It is unlikely you will "get him back"

No it wasn't a comment at any one poster there are a few posts which IMO make massive assumptions . If wanted to pick up on an individual I would name them.

diggs "he wants his son to be away from his mother which is not in his best interests". How on earth do you know that? not all children need their mother more than their father. They need a good, consistent parent who will provide the necessary love and care.

In fact the op has stated very clearly that she wants to be away from her son .

I'm usually quite biased towards mothers but I agree with Hairylights. The OPs entire first post was about all of the things she wants to do because she thinks she's missing out, and justifying to herself that it is acceptable to leave her child to follow her dreams.

well quite, mary

but it seems she expects to just walk back into her son's life when she has "found herself" and pick up where she left off

I can't even see how the travelling and leaving the ds is of relevance if the op starts her uni course in five months, unless that is overseas. Surely concentrating on her new course, new lover and her young child is enough to be going on with.

The over riding sense I got from the first post was that the break up was not so devastating because the ex had treated her like 'shit', rather that he let her down on promises of living together and support. She isn't so damaged by it that she has sworn off men. Neither has the ex. So I can't help but take the post at face value, it's about her wanting to break free, more than the ex wanting to screw her life up.

I do wonder how the OP's new "partner" feels about this child

that hasn't been mentioned

In fact the op has stated very clearly that she wants to be away from her son .

She has , and im confused as to why that is hence the questions . If my ex was feeling like a shit dad , was distressed by crying and losing confidence , suggesting going abroad and only having phone contact , i would offer him some support and get to the bottom of it . I dont want him to go abroad , i want him to be in my kids life because its in their best interests to have him in it.

Your right about children needing consistent love and care and the sex of that parent isnt that important , being loving and caring means encouraging a relationship with the other parent because it is in the childs best interest .

I dont think people should be critical of the Op here - she has suffered PND and is now doubting her parenting ability - in the face of her son having a hard time adjusting to life between two parents. She has come here for support - OP - I think you need to consider what it would really feel like to lose you rson, and try to get some good real life support.

Should have said where its in the childs best interests.