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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Adult son - need advice

153 replies

hairless · 22/04/2011 13:36

Hi,
My son is 26 years old and although intelligent, is very young for his age. I'm worried that this is my fault, I've done far too much for him over the years. Recently my husband got him a job with his company (abroad) because he couldn't get a job in UK. He did very well at school but since then nothing he has done has lasted more than a few months. He was doing really well at this job but after only a month he got drunk and without going into details he got the sack and was sent home by the company. He is now in our house with very little money and no prospects. I am at the end of my tether (hence my nickname hairless!) and don't know what to do. He has had a drug problem (cannabis) and rinks far too much. I have told him if he has one joint or gets drunk in our house, he's out. I wish he wasn't there to be honest. Will he ever stand on his own 2 feet? Should we be throwing him out for his own sake? My worry is that if we did, he would turn back to drugs. I just don't know what to think. To top all this he has a 2 year old son to his ex girlfriend. :(

OP posts:

AuntieMonica · 01/08/2011 16:25

yes, looking back to see 'how this happened' is pointless and waste of valuable energy right now.

well done for taking the steps in getting him the help he needs.

PM me anytime x

Original poster

hairless · 02/08/2011 08:06

Thank you AuntieMonica xx

OP posts:

pinkytheshrinky · 02/08/2011 08:38

I have only just seen this thread and have read it from the beginning and your OP rang a bell with me. You poor thing, this is a dreadful dreadful time. What did strike a chord with me is that you said your son was 'very young for his age'. IMHO people are not like this because you have 'babied' them, particularly when they have boarded - my Ex was like this and some of the problems he has experienced before and after our relationship (and we had 2 dcs together) have been very similar to your son.

My ex has some sort of mild Autism Spectrum Disorder which now (because untreated when younger) looks very similar to a Borderline Personality Disorder. (I know all this because we have been involved with the courts re. the children)He has suffered from terrible stress, depression and has been at times suicidal and violent and threatening. I hope I am not muddying the waters by sharing this but really, the things you said really really reminded me of him. He has been unable to hold a job done for many and varied reasons. He has gone through stages of major drinking and drug taking when he was younger - he was always unable to just have a dabble with it - it was full on or nothing at all.

This may all be completely irrelevant and if so I apologise it was my absolute first thought when I read your op and before I read how this unfolded.

I am so sorry for you both, this is really scary and you have done everything right for him.

Original poster

hairless · 03/08/2011 12:09

Thanks Jasper. pinkytheshrinky, my son was diagnosed ADHD when he was 9 years old. The psychiatrist reckons he isn't clinically depressed but the drugs and alcohol have made him depressed. He think that when he is completely clean, he will feel better about life. Its early days yet. He is going to the addictive behaviours meeting today.

OP posts:

Maryz · 03/08/2011 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

hairless · 04/08/2011 14:53

Thanks for the support. We had an awful day yesterday - he won't take any anti depressants and isn't sleeping. He has been a horrible person to live with. I have so many other things going on that I haven't mentioned and now my OH is home it is even more stressful. I don't know how much more I can physically take, I'm so ill. My husband was under strict instructions from his doctor to relax when home as his blood pressure is high.

OP posts:

AuntieMonica · 04/08/2011 14:59

hi hairless

i take it he has been prescribed the anti depressants over the past couple of days? i am surprised he has been so quickly tbh, as IME HCPs want the 'illicit' drugs to have subsided before any medicines are adminstered.

i know they aren't everyone's cup of tea, but have you ever contacted Narcotics Anonymous, they may have contacts who will be able to support you locally?

Original poster

hairless · 04/08/2011 17:23

Yes, he has. He hasn't taken anything for 5 days. The GP gave him prozac but the psychiatrist took him off them and now he won't take anything.

I contacted NA days ago - they were the ones who told me to go to the GP.

He has gone to a hotel for a few days with his girlfriend, to take the pressure off us. I'll be worried but at least I won't be shouted at.

OP posts:

Maryz · 04/08/2011 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

hairless · 04/08/2011 18:28

I didn't know that about cannabis. I'll bear that in mind, thanks. His GF enables him to a certain extent, because she is scared of him at times. I had a bit of a row with her today. Not the best thing I've ever done, but I guess they'll both be calling me names tonight. Gives them something to do lol. I'm drinking wine now, the first I've had for ages.

OP posts:

Original poster

hairless · 05/08/2011 17:17

OK he went to a hotel with his girlfriend last night. They both turned their phones off. The crisis centre have been trying to get hold of him to no avail. He just sent me a text saying I have to apologise to her, and that she's leaving him. I think he may be back on the drugs. I'm now at the end of my tether.

OP posts:

AuntieMonica · 05/08/2011 17:27

aw, hairless

you know what? i think you deserve a break from him. is there any way you and DH can go away for a few days to chill and put a bit of space between you and DS?

you have given your utmost support to him, and he's not taking the issue seriously by the sounds of it.

big {{{hugs}} to you

Original poster

hairless · 05/08/2011 17:38

AuntieMonika, I'm feeling so guilty. I know he will blame me for not getting him through the recovery phase. It was me who asked him to go to the hotel as I've been quite ill and I was also worried about my husband. We can't go away because I breed dogs and have a huge litter of puppies here that I have to see to. xx

OP posts:

AuntieMonica · 05/08/2011 17:55

He can blame whoever he likes, it's still his own doing though. I think it's time for you to get tough with him, honestly. He is an adult, and until he is faced with his own 'rock bottom', he will not take this responsibly. He is using YOU as his rock bottom - which is natural. In most settings.

If he had been ripped off financially and you were helping to bail him out, that is acceptable (IMO)

If his relationship had broken down and he was lodging with you until he found his feet, that is acceptable.

But it's not like that is it? He's using illegal drugs, getting out of his tree and then ranting and blaming you for his downfall. You are sheilding him from the harsh reality, and suffering the brunt of his anger. He should be feeling this anger and pain for himself to make HIM want to stop this behaviour.

Sorry if these reads harshly, but i'm sure it's not half as bad as the things he's saying to you down the phone is it?

Has he come home yet?

Original poster

hairless · 05/08/2011 18:08

He just sent a text. He said he is staying with a friend who cares and he's not drinking or taking drugs. He said his girlfriend is leaving him but he doesn't want to talk to anyone. I'm still worried, but its the best I could hope for really. x

OP posts:

Maryz · 05/08/2011 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

hairless · 05/08/2011 18:26

Honest to God, I don't know what I'd have done without this forum. Thanks guys. :)

OP posts:

AuntieMonica · 05/08/2011 18:56

i feel the same about some other posters on this thread, hairless

nest of vipers? right bunch of bitches?

not at all

Maryz · 05/08/2011 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

hairless · 07/08/2011 19:12

Hi vipers
Well, I feel much stronger but unfortunately my son has slid back again. His girlfriend told me he spent £200 on drink and cocaine the other night. He is staying at a friends (the one "who cares" ) and apparently was so drunk we urinated all over his friends clothes. I don't think he is working now. His GF has told me he is in a very dark place in his head and cannot cope without my help. (ie staying in our house) But the crisis team is saying the first steps have to come from him, for him, and he needs to take responsibility himself. He always says he is only doing it for this GF, so she feels responsible if she needs a break from him and he slides. I don't know whether I should be dragging him back here or hope that when he truly hits his rock bottom, he will help himself.

OP posts:

Maryz · 07/08/2011 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AuntieMonica · 07/08/2011 19:28

Hi there

I've been wondering about you today, sorry it's not better news you've shared.
The crisis team are right.
He does have to want to get better and to change, no amount of you 'helping' him right now will help at all.
It will be wasted effort, and believe me, there will be a whole lot of effort needed!
What he has told his g/f about not being able to cope without you is probably the most honest and telling thing...he is 'coping' and therefore does not see the need to change. Yet.
If you really want to help him, I'd keep the offer of a bed and 'mum' care, but insist he has to to stop using before you will do this.

Original poster

hairless · 08/08/2011 08:05

Maryz and AuntieMonica - you're right, he needs to take responsibility. There are no hostels in this area and the only place he would have left to go would be his druggie friends'. So last night he rang, apologising again. He has rang the crisis team and has to ring them again this morning. He slept here last night but he only stays on my conditions - he must be clean and he must speak to or see the crisis team every day. Wish us luck xx

OP posts:

AuntieMonica · 08/08/2011 09:43

Good for you for putting some ground rules in place - it's hard to stick to them at times, and if he finds the only place he has to go is back to his fellow user mates, then he has to be allowed to make that choice.
If he is clean he can stay with you, if he's not it's back to those he knows deep down will not help him. It's easy for us to see, not being in the midst of it all, and when he's on the 'other' side of this, he'll be able to see that too.

Good luck, I know how hard this is. But it is doable.

Let us know how things go today if you can, we are all rooting for you.

Original poster

hairless · 08/08/2011 12:13

The crisis team have just left. They said exactly what you just said AuntieMonica - but they also said I have to completely pull back and not check on him doing whatever he needs to do for his recovery. They said I need to sit with him and decide exactly what boundaries are to be in place - and that if he steps over them ONCE, he must leave and will never be allowed back. They also said I should not be letting him live here rent free and it might be an idea to give him and his GF notice as to when they must leave and get themselves a flat/house. I have to make him look after himself by doing nothing for him really.

OP posts:

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