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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Adult son - need advice

153 replies

hairless · 22/04/2011 13:36

Hi,
My son is 26 years old and although intelligent, is very young for his age. I'm worried that this is my fault, I've done far too much for him over the years. Recently my husband got him a job with his company (abroad) because he couldn't get a job in UK. He did very well at school but since then nothing he has done has lasted more than a few months. He was doing really well at this job but after only a month he got drunk and without going into details he got the sack and was sent home by the company. He is now in our house with very little money and no prospects. I am at the end of my tether (hence my nickname hairless!) and don't know what to do. He has had a drug problem (cannabis) and rinks far too much. I have told him if he has one joint or gets drunk in our house, he's out. I wish he wasn't there to be honest. Will he ever stand on his own 2 feet? Should we be throwing him out for his own sake? My worry is that if we did, he would turn back to drugs. I just don't know what to think. To top all this he has a 2 year old son to his ex girlfriend. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
hairless · 25/04/2011 01:41

If I knew he could get a flat rather than living on the streets it would be a lot easier.......

OP posts:
Tortington · 25/04/2011 02:04

maybe he needs to present himself as homeless at the council and see what options present themselves

garlicbutter · 25/04/2011 11:38

Homeless is not good for a single person. People with children get priority, followed by the disabled. However ... If he signs on and rents a flat (let's say you put up the deposit & rent in advance, hairless) and THEN applies for housing benefit & council tax relief, that should work. Bear in mind you have to go for a pretty modest flat so it will be covered - and he'll probably have to lie to the letting agent, as very few will knowingly accept tenants on benefits. When I did this, I put myself down as self-employed.

garlicbutter · 25/04/2011 11:39

... or you could employ him, as poperty maintenance! Presumably your house & garden will still need looking after :)

Original poster
hairless · 25/04/2011 11:47

garlicbutter, thats what I have suggested. There is a flat nearby who have said 'will consider dss' so I'm telling him to go for that, explaining that he has been abroad and will hopefully have a job soon. He can still do our garden (its quite big) so we could pay him for that (although he owes us so much money he probably wouldn't take it) which might help a little bit. I do believe now that he will not move forward whilst in our house and getting things easy.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/04/2011 15:37

Hairless,

Your son is undoubtedly sliding and he is mainly responsible for that state of affairs but you yourself are not entirely without blame here. He likely blames everyone but himself for his problems; I note he blames his ex for making his son "soft" - what a ridiculous notion that is.

Has he ever had to take any responsibility for his actions?. You've enabled him more than enough and its got you nowhere with him. He also treats you with contempt.

I hate to say it but you are partly responsible for the unedifying mess that has been created here just as my inlaws are for their son (who is pushing 50) who lives in their home and shows no sign of wanting to leave. He also has no job and no money. They both enabled him to the hilt and its really coming to bite them on the bum now as it has with yourself.

He may equally not turn his life around now; you have made it far too easy for him. Your initial post should act as a warning to others who may well do the same with their sons in the future.

garlicbutter · 25/04/2011 16:12

Oh, look, there's a whole website about this increasingly common problem! www.adultchildrenlivingathome.com/blog/category/statistics/

Original poster
hairless · 25/04/2011 16:34

Cheers ATM, lots of constructive help there. Confused

...moving on, he has rang me and want to join AA. He now knows drink is a big problem for him. He is looking for flats and has asked for the details of a few. He actually said to me he wants to try and be forward looking, and is grateful for being given every opportunity. Now I've said he has to go, it has hit him. I don't think he ever thought I would say it and mean it.

I think I have been scared for too long. He tried to commit suicide a while ago (when his ex threw him out) and I think the fear of that has made me protect him for too long.

OP posts:
Xenia · 25/04/2011 16:37

Perhaps he could look after his child during the days so its mother can work. Perhaps he could do a lot more around your house for pay.
What about those housesitting jobs you can get which come with accommodation? There are agencies devoted to them.

If he's given up drugs and most drink and does the garden that's better than it might be. Perhaps he just needs a prod in the direction of what work he might do. If you had spare money and were happy with it you could pay for him to go on a course which might help him with a particular career.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/04/2011 16:41

What do you want people to say?. I'm only telling you of my experience here and its not at all pretty from where I am sitting. If you don't like it then that is your perogative but I see many parallels between their situation and yours now.

So you've only just told him that he now has to go?. He likely thought he could stay there forever, you never seemingly gave him a date to leave. Both you and your H are partly responsible here for your son's behaviour now towards you both.

Do you actually accept that you yourself are partly responsible here?.
You need to stop enabling him as you have done or you will end up where my ILs are now with their son.

Earlybird · 25/04/2011 16:50

What sorts of jobs is he qualified to do?

What sorts of jobs would he like to do?

Is he being realistic?

Asking because many of my friends have older children (out of college, or about to be) who, having lived privileged lives when supported by their parents, are now completely unrealistic about their work prospects.

They think they should be starting at high salaries (otherwise, not worth the 'trouble' of working), don't know what it means to work hard, and don't understand the concept of 'paying their dues' or working their way 'up the ladder'. They also expect a high standard of living that is simply not possible on the salaries they would be earning. It is quite paralysing for them and their parents.

I don't know what the solution is.

By the way - you hardly mention your dh. What is his opinion and position on this situation?

garlicbutter · 25/04/2011 17:00

Attila, you've described your BIL on othr threads as an overbearing bully with a personality disorder. It seems a bit harsh to assume the same of OP's son from what we know. (It must surely be debatable whether your PIL's putting their feet down would have averted disaster anyway?)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/04/2011 17:14

Hi garlicbutter,

I am not assuming that at all, besides which this thread is not about my BIL.

I am looking at this from another point of view, namely the enabling aspect shown by the parents to their son.

garlicbutter · 25/04/2011 17:42

Point taken, Attila. Good to see he's said he wants to go to AA then :)

Meatspin · 25/04/2011 17:46

Sounds like he might be suffering from some for of depression.

Original poster
hairless · 25/04/2011 20:09

ATM, yes, I know I have been an awful mother. I'm trying to sort things out now and I think I'm getting somewhere.

Earlybird, hes a quality civil inspector in construction. He's also a taper and jointer, also construction.

He wasn't realistic, but he is now. He's applying for anything and everything (shops, warehouses, anywhere) but he doesn't trust himself to do bar work. He told me that today.

My dh is not his father. He left me when I was pregnant.

He said drink is not going to be part of his life any more, he has to be like a recovering alcoholic and completely abstain. I hope that notion sticks in his head.

Meatspin, why do you say that?

OP posts:
Original poster
hairless · 30/07/2011 22:51

He's gone back over. I found cannabis and went mad and said he had to promise me he would see someone or he is out. He went online looking for help but there doesn't seem to be anything for cannabis only. Then today has been out drinking all day (he went to the races with friends) and I picked him up wandering down the middle of a dual carriageway, out of his head. I got him home and bundled him into his bedroom. I made him a sandwich and when I took it to his room he was sniffing cocaine. I tried to get it from him but no chance. I came back downstairs and he followed me. He is totally incoherent. I took him back upstairs and noticed a caplet in his hand. I asked him what it was and he shoved it straight into his mouth and swallowed it. He said it is a sleeping tablet and he needed it otherwise the coke would keep him up all night. He needs professional help. I'm totally out of my depth.

OP posts:
lavenderbongo · 30/07/2011 23:20

Hi Hairless
I have just read the whole thread and wanted to post as you could have been talking about my brother a couple of years ago. He however left school with little of no qualifications and after a trial period of living in various shared houses and trying make a go of it whilst working in various jobs he ended up back home with my Mum and Dad.

He would stay in bed most of the day and stay up most of the night. He was rude and manipulative with my parents. He lived soley off them as he refused to sign on and was just a horrible person to be around. He however did not have a problem with drink or drugs but he did apparently threaten or attempt suicide in his early twenties. This left my parents terrified and so they gave him almost everything he demanded!

Eventually after much complaining and pulling of hair by me and my sister my parents got tough. Gave him a date he had to be out by and stuck to it and stopped giving him anymore money. Two years later he is now renting his own flat, has held down a job for over two years and has a very nice girlfriend. He is also now a much nicer person to be around.

I think your son has a few more problems that my brother and undoubtedly the drink and drugs need to be dealt with before anything else. Where is he getting money from to go to the races and buy the drink and drugs? Surely you are not still giving him money? If its from job seekers that you need to start charging him an increased rent. I just wanted to post this so that you can see there is light at the end of the tunnel and having spoken to lots of people about my brother, it appears that it is quite a common problem these days.

Original poster
hairless · 31/07/2011 00:05

Hi lavenderbongo,
He is working, and his boss took him to the races along with all the other lads who are on his job. He has absolutely no control when he is drunk.
I phoned NHS Direct and told them what happened. They sent an ambulance. They have just left. It took them 15-20 mins to wake him up and then he started shouting and swearing and refused to go to the hospital. His heart etc was ok and I have to monitor him tonight. I'm terrified.

OP posts:
barbiegrows · 31/07/2011 01:14

You need to be straight with him.
Tell him he needs to move out and you will help him do that.
Tell him he needs to work out what he wants to do.
Tell him he needs to work out how to get there and you will help him on his path.

Don't get him to do the laundry or let him think he's doing you a favour. If he wants to do housework he can get £15 an hour for it!

The drink and drugs are most likely a way for him to cope with his situation. He will be thinking about his son, even though he's not with him or supporting his ex. Show him how to be a proud father so you can be a proud grandparent. He's young - he'll survive.

Original poster
hairless · 31/07/2011 07:56

He woke up at 6am. I haven't slept at all. He is very erratic and scary. I'm totally out of my depth. I just want to get through today until the drugs/drink are out of his system then go from there.

OP posts:
AuntieMonica · 31/07/2011 08:14

hi hairless

my adult DS has had substance abuse issues in the past, and he also lives with me, my DH and our DD, so i totally know where you are coming from.

it's so difficult to treat your adult child as an adult when they are acting like a child, IYGWIM. i know you want to try to make him 'better' but now is the time you have to step right back.

what are YOUR views on drug use?
i had to totally re-examine my own stance on things if i wanted to play 'fair' with my own DS. a lot of people are a bit 'meh' about it, until it actually affects them, i certainly was. i had to draw a line, and stick to my boundaries.

are you in UK now, OP?

FabbyChic · 31/07/2011 13:32

You said he is working? Then give him notice to leave your house four weeks, he needs a month in advance and a months deposit offer to pay it.

You don't need this shit anymore you have been a good parent and helped him as much as you can, there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough. He is 26 not 18, I'd never say kick an 18 year old out that would be horrific, but 26? had enough warnings.

Do it.

Original poster
hairless · 31/07/2011 19:51

I'd love to put him out. BUT - he left the house today and went up the hills with a piece of rope to hang himself. His girlfriend stopped him. This is the second time - last time he was in hospital for 5 days on a drip cos he took so many tablets. This is my worry now. He has been like a looney today cos I've thrown out more weed I found. He drank 8 cans of lager in 15 mins. I'm trying to get him to go to the docs tomorrow. He's like 2 people right now. Very aggressive. If he won't go to the doc, I'm wondering if I can have him sectioned, for his own safety?

OP posts:
Original poster
hairless · 31/07/2011 19:54

AuntieMonika, yes I'm in UK, and I HATE drugs, but I do drink occasionally. (although I haven't had a drink since being home because I don't want him to see anyone drink). I recently found out he managed to get cannabis when he was in Saudi. He could have been jailed for a long time (at best) if caught.

OP posts: