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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Adult son - need advice

153 replies

hairless · 22/04/2011 13:36

Hi,
My son is 26 years old and although intelligent, is very young for his age. I'm worried that this is my fault, I've done far too much for him over the years. Recently my husband got him a job with his company (abroad) because he couldn't get a job in UK. He did very well at school but since then nothing he has done has lasted more than a few months. He was doing really well at this job but after only a month he got drunk and without going into details he got the sack and was sent home by the company. He is now in our house with very little money and no prospects. I am at the end of my tether (hence my nickname hairless!) and don't know what to do. He has had a drug problem (cannabis) and rinks far too much. I have told him if he has one joint or gets drunk in our house, he's out. I wish he wasn't there to be honest. Will he ever stand on his own 2 feet? Should we be throwing him out for his own sake? My worry is that if we did, he would turn back to drugs. I just don't know what to think. To top all this he has a 2 year old son to his ex girlfriend. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
hairless · 31/07/2011 19:55

Please read my post re: sectioning. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
AuntieMonica · 31/07/2011 19:56

i have PM'ed you, hairless

Tenacity · 31/07/2011 19:59

I am sorry you are going through this. I cannot imagine the pain a mother must go through watching their child like this.

He will stop when he wants to stop. He will need to want to stop.

If he doesn't want to, no amount of threats or cajoling will make him stop this destructive behaviour.

This has also made me think that perhaps he is self medicating with drugs and alcohol for some reason. Has he been through some trauma or something? Is there something deeper that is going on in his psyche?

Perhaps he could benefit from some counselling? Usually such destructive behaviours have roots in something.

Low self-worth, guilt, depression, history of abuse etcetera can make people self destruct, and use drugs and alcohol in such a manner. He might benefit immensely from counselling or other therapies.

Tenacity · 31/07/2011 20:04

I posted the above before I read about him going with a rope.

Sectioning is most likely an option as he is threat to himself. And it is paramount to prioritise his safety above all at this point in time.

AuntieMonica · 31/07/2011 21:11

are you ok, hairless?

you don't have to go into massive details, but let us know you are ok please?

Original poster
hairless · 31/07/2011 21:21

Tenacity, he just broke down and said he has been like this since he split with his son's mother. (when the first suicide attempt was)

Hes sobbing then aggressive. He says he hates himself.

Can I section him with a phone call? Doesn't a doctor have to do it?

I'm hiding inn my bedroom most of the time, just going down to check on him.

OP posts:
AuntieMonica · 31/07/2011 21:24

did you see your PM, hairless?

Original poster
hairless · 31/07/2011 21:28

Yes, just PM'd back.

OP posts:
Tenacity · 31/07/2011 22:13

I believe you can get someone sectioned via the GP or the Police route.

NHS direct on 0845 4647 (24 hour service) should get the ball rolling and be able to advice on what to do about the current situation Sad.

I hope you are ok hairless

Original poster
hairless · 31/07/2011 22:22

Thanks x

OP posts:
Original poster
hairless · 31/07/2011 22:44

His girlfriend told him she would come over and now she's not answering her phone or texts. Its been ages, she should have been here before now. Now he's panicking and saying he's going to hang himself if she doesn't turn up! Then he said he's going to stay with a friend for a few days. I'm demented here.

OP posts:
Original poster
hairless · 31/07/2011 22:53

He just caught me ringing the NHS and went berserk. He was screaming and shouting. I'm so scared, I'm at my wits end.

OP posts:
Cathycat · 31/07/2011 23:31

I hope everything is ok?

Original poster
hairless · 31/07/2011 23:36

Lots of screaming and threats but nothing else.

OP posts:
Original poster
hairless · 01/08/2011 07:46

I'm ringing the doc at 8am. I have to get him seen today, I can't take any more.

OP posts:
jasper · 01/08/2011 09:17

are you alone at home with your son or is your husband with you?
Have you spoken to the doc?

AuntieMonica · 01/08/2011 10:36

hairless

i am so sorry you're going through this, please keep posting for support for you.

hoping the GP's call will be productive in getting your son the help he needs

x

Seabright · 01/08/2011 11:14

Try the charity SANE too. www.sane.org.uk/. They will have come across many similar cases and will be able to help you

Original poster
hairless · 01/08/2011 11:48

The doctor was great. She is sending a crisis team to see him today and referring him to the drug and alcohol services. He was vomiting the whole time we were there because he found 6 of my tramadol and took them last night. They've given him prozac to help his depression. I feel like things are finally moving.

OP posts:
lastonetoleaveturnoutthelights · 01/08/2011 13:09

My goodness, you poor thing. I can't believe how quickly your son's situation has deteriorated. Do you have support while you're back in the UK?
Can your DH come and support you?

Also can you speak with your son's girlfriend and her family, and the mother of his son, without your son being present?

His whole circle (girlfriend, mother of his son, family) need to be aware of what is happening and to be united in support and approach to dealing with him. (Although on second thoughts, will your son's drug addiction may affect his custody agreement - I don't know anything about that though).

I really really wish you all well through this terrible time.

AuntieMonica · 01/08/2011 14:24

sending much love and best wishes your way hairless, i know how hard it is to stay strong.

x

Original poster
hairless · 01/08/2011 14:52

My husband flew in yesterday - he can'#t believe how bad my son is now. The trouble with speaking to his ex's family is that they are very judgmental and nasty when it comes to mental illness. When he was in hospital she didn't go to see him but just sent him a text to say he was a selfish b*stard. My family weren't much better, all they said was how it would affect them if he had died. I was the only one who wanted help for him. Everyone just thinks he should pull himself together. None of his friends support him - they are all habituate weed smokers. His new girlfriend will help in any way she can.

The crisis team have been - they were great. They are sending him to a psychiatrist tomorrow and will see him every day. I feel like we are getting somewhere. I don't think it will be easy but I'm home for another 6 weeks and will stay longer if he needs me to.

Than you for all your support. xx

OP posts:
oldwomaninashoe · 01/08/2011 14:59

I wonder if you've "babied" him too much always finding solutions to his problems and not letting him make his own mistakes.You got him a job, given him a bolt hole, and then wonder why he has no sense of self responsibility.

I do sympathise I have four grown sons all living at home but they all have jobs, and want to move out, but we live in the South East!

Original poster
hairless · 01/08/2011 15:23

Yes thats probably true. Ive beaten myself up enough about it though. I have to look ahead now.

OP posts:
jasper · 01/08/2011 16:13

well done Hairless. So glad to hear things are moving in the right direction.

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