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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Adult son - need advice

153 replies

hairless · 22/04/2011 13:36

Hi,
My son is 26 years old and although intelligent, is very young for his age. I'm worried that this is my fault, I've done far too much for him over the years. Recently my husband got him a job with his company (abroad) because he couldn't get a job in UK. He did very well at school but since then nothing he has done has lasted more than a few months. He was doing really well at this job but after only a month he got drunk and without going into details he got the sack and was sent home by the company. He is now in our house with very little money and no prospects. I am at the end of my tether (hence my nickname hairless!) and don't know what to do. He has had a drug problem (cannabis) and rinks far too much. I have told him if he has one joint or gets drunk in our house, he's out. I wish he wasn't there to be honest. Will he ever stand on his own 2 feet? Should we be throwing him out for his own sake? My worry is that if we did, he would turn back to drugs. I just don't know what to think. To top all this he has a 2 year old son to his ex girlfriend. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
hairless · 22/04/2011 20:04

squeakytoy, I don't want to get into a discussion about the rights and wrongs of boarding school, Suffice to say the kids he was hanging round with are now all either in jail or just got out of jail. I tried every school I could find but couldn't get him in anywhere else.

I agree he probably feels suffocated at times.

Yes he sees his son regularly.

OP posts:
Original poster
hairless · 22/04/2011 20:06

OkeeDoeKee, I just think he hadn't thought of it (I must admit neither had I) and has been looking mostly online for jobs.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 22/04/2011 20:10

Thats fair enough, I was just saying it as an example as to how I would feel myself and the experiences that friends have mentioned.

Your son probably feels he has let you down, and that you are disappointed in him. But not everyone can be a high flyer, if that was the case, there would be a huge gap in the job market.

I certainly hung around with the wrong crowd, it didnt feel that way at the time, but looking back now I can see how much stress I must have caused for my parents. As I say, we all make mistakes, but we do grow up eventually. Boys are always a bit behind the girls in that, and it really is a very difficult job market right now, so he is going to have to take anything he can for the moment. He needs to tart his CV up, I would never advocate lying, but tailor the cv towards the job every time he applies. There are jobs out there for the right people, and employers can afford to be very choosy at the moment.

Original poster
hairless · 22/04/2011 20:15

He does feel like he has let us down I'm sure - and he has. But I would be happy if he was a road sweeper, as long as he was happy and independent. Yes he knows about tailoring his CV. I guess there's a lot of stuff I know and you don't that would give a clearer picture. But I do feel like I've been steered in the right direction, I will make a plan with him and most of all push him into getting a job. So thanks for that everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
hairless · 22/04/2011 20:17

sorry I meant push him into applying for jobs. No-one can be sure of a job in these times, although he will be contacting temping agencies. :)

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 22/04/2011 20:23

Hairless, I have a stepson who is now the same age as your son, and he lived with us from his early teens.. and was no angel by any stretch of the imagination. I reckon I could have a pretty good idea of the other stuff, (unfortunately).

If it helps though, he did turn his life around, and is no longer the prat he was 5 years ago (most of the time anyway!). They do eventually see the light.

My last bit of advice would be, wipe a clean slate, dont drag up his past misdemeanours, agree to all start fresh. If he messes up, dont remind him of all the other times he has let you and himself down. Its hard, and you do find you are biting your tongue, but we found that this approach did work and our relationship with stepson is much better than the one he has with his mother, who just never lets him forget how much he did wrong, how bad he was, how he broke her heart...... so he pretty much avoids telling her anything now, and she is the last person he would tell if anything happens in his life.

squeakytoy · 22/04/2011 20:28

The best agencies to go for are the biggest ones. Reed are fairly good, and cover all types of work from cleaning jobs to high end professional. They will expect someone to be reliable, presentable and well mannered, and will also ask him to go in with ID and then they can put him on their books. They pay weekly, and if you get on with them, they can keep you in regular work, as they will always pick their reliable temps when the jobs come in.

If the area you live in has seasonal summer jobs, then now is the best time to apply, before the students finish their exams and grab them all.

Would he do bar work? Its usually long hours and basic pay, but it is a job, and a social life too.

Original poster
hairless · 22/04/2011 21:31

Thanks for the advice squeakytoy, will do. I've sent him links to Reed and a couple of others. I'm not sure about the summer jobs but there are a couple of bars nearby, he has done bar work befor. :)

OP posts:
InMyPrime · 22/04/2011 21:57

Good to hear that you'll sit down with him and make out a plan, hairless. I think that's the main thing to work with him on getting his problem solved.

If you just nag him or bring up his past failures, he'll get demoralised but if you show him that you're in this together by making a plan to sort things out that you're both happy with, then he may be more inclined to realise that you're doing this for him, not just to get him out of your (rapidly thinning) hair Grin.

garlicbutter · 22/04/2011 22:23

I'm glad your thread's taken a more positive turn, hairless, and am liking squeakytoy's reasonable approach. I just wanted to encourage you to stay reasonable and on his side.

There are a lot of posters who don't seem to have noticed the logical error in their inspirational tales of finding steady temp work if you just buckle down and don't be choosy ... like the highly-qualified professionals of their acquaintance! If the warehouse jobs are being taken by out-of-work barristers, how is that good news for a peripatetic lad in his twenties? Confused

I'm NOT trying to sound negative! Just highlighting that we're in a slow (stopped) economy, which means extra patience and lateral thinking for everyone.

Original poster
hairless · 22/04/2011 22:47

Thanks everyone. One thing that did spring to mind is - I think the reason he hasn't signed on is because he never paid a crisis loan he got before he came out here. I guess he thought he could 'do a bunk'. Sigh.

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 23/04/2011 07:08

They'll take it back at a few quid a week. They won't send him to prison or anything!

Original poster
hairless · 23/04/2011 07:39

I think that because he hasn't paid it, it has gone up and up and up. I'll talk to him about it and see what he says.

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squeakytoy · 23/04/2011 08:06

Morning Hairless. :)

I just googled for you, and a crisis loan is interest free, so all he will owe is the actual amount he originally borrowed, and thats only if it hasnt been written off.

Original poster
hairless · 23/04/2011 21:50

Thank you squeakytoy thats very kind of you. Unfortunately its not interest apparently, but sort of a 'fine' for not paying by a certain date. It was a couple of hundred and now its nearly a grand. :)

OP posts:
Original poster
hairless · 24/04/2011 22:21

aarghhh I need to calm down. I just rang him - and he was slurring. He wasn't drunk, as such - but he had definitely been drinking. He completely denied drinking anything. We talked about jobs and I told him I had contacted a few people out here. He said he didn't want to leave his son again because his ex has turned him 'soft'. He said he wants to have more input into his upbringing, which is of course admirable, but I pointed out to him that when he is working full time, he won't be able to spend huge amounts of time with him anyway. I just have the feeling he's sliding. Am I panicking for no reason? :(

ps - the smiley at the end of my last post was supposed to be a :( not a :)

OP posts:
SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 24/04/2011 22:26

Can I suggest that he goes around bars, pubs and restaurants with a sheaf of CVs? He will get something....this is what my DH had to do...he got a job within 2 days.

Is your son being a bit picky about what he applies for?

squeakytoy · 24/04/2011 22:43

Its half past ten on Easter Sunday night, plenty lads his age will have had a few drinks tonight, and its probably not the best time of day to discuss jobs.

He probably isnt sliding, it would be more worrying if it was 10.30 in the morning (which is probably a better time to ring him and discuss what his plans for the week are).

Original poster
hairless · 24/04/2011 23:44

SFBB, he hasn't been round bars etc like you've suggested. I'll be suggesting that tomorrow. Squeakytoy, I know its Easter but he shouldn't even be using any money he has on drink IMO. He's supposed to be keeping it for interviews etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
hairless · 25/04/2011 00:17

Just found out he has one of his no hoper mates there with him!!! So much for a fresh start.... Angry

OP posts:
Tortington · 25/04/2011 00:31

there...? where? i thought he lived with you - im confused!

Original poster
hairless · 25/04/2011 00:51

I live abroad most of the tome. He is in my house in UK.

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Tortington · 25/04/2011 00:56

so - im 26 yr old man, parents away - no bills to find - i have a house to myself and i don't have to pay out anything apart from food. i can come and go as i please and any money i get wfrom anywhere is mine to spend as i like.

there are low paid shit part time jobs out there. there is no reason this man shouldn't be working.

Tortington · 25/04/2011 01:00

thats not helpful in the least.

i chucked my eldest son out. he was eighteen at the time and had many chances.

i firmly believe that it gave my other two children a better house to live in - however this didn't turn him into a deternimed man who made somethng of himself becuase he HAD to or any bollocks like that.

your kid is 3 and has a kid - i think its about time he sorted his shit out - and whatever way life takes him - let liife take him that way - you shouldn't me ~MANAGING~ the situation - which is what you are doing - you are trying to control the situation of a 26 yr old man. At what age does he just become very very .....sad? is it in 5 years when he is 31 and living in his parents house ?

Tortington · 25/04/2011 01:01

is 26 that should read - not 3