Adult son - need advice

[hairless]

Hi,
My son is 26 years old and although intelligent, is very young for his age. I'm worried that this is my fault, I've done far too much for him over the years. Recently my husband got him a job with his company (abroad) because he couldn't get a job in UK. He did very well at school but since then nothing he has done has lasted more than a few months. He was doing really well at this job but after only a month he got drunk and without going into details he got the sack and was sent home by the company. He is now in our house with very little money and no prospects. I am at the end of my tether (hence my nickname hairless!) and don't know what to do. He has had a drug problem (cannabis) and rinks far too much. I have told him if he has one joint or gets drunk in our house, he's out. I wish he wasn't there to be honest. Will he ever stand on his own 2 feet? Should we be throwing him out for his own sake? My worry is that if we did, he would turn back to drugs. I just don't know what to think. To top all this he has a 2 year old son to his ex girlfriend. :(

Why would anyone throw someone without a job out? As long s he contributes something while he looks and gets himself sorted then I think as a parent if you can afford it you should support him a bit. You will feel awful if you just throw him out I know several people in their 20s trying everything to get a job/flat and it is so difficult now to do those basics. I don't know what is going to happen to this generation they seem to be born in an age when a home and a job is a luxury!

Thanks naoko, I feel much better about things now. I'm glad I asked on here. :)

I suppose at least he is keeping an eye on your house and maintaining the garden. i think you sound like a good mum and mine are teenagers but I think we are helicopter parents. I think I would do the same as you.

he sounds like he has done well to kick the drug habit and at least he trying to get back on track.

noddyholder, I think I was panicking because when he split with his ex, he lived in our house, was on JSA and spent it all on drugs, cigarettes and alcohol. Then we brought him out here He never applied for a job. I don't want him to go back to that no-hoper.

Fair enough. Apologies for responding to the situation as you described it in your OP, where your son has no prospects, drinks far too much, has had a drug problem and you wish he wasn't there because you are at the end of your tether.

Now it seems he has stopped all drugs, only has the odd drink, is applying for jobs and respects your house, doing general maintenance that you are not there to do yourselves.

OK - he WAS doing drugs and drinking too much. NOT he IS. If I didn't make myself clear enough for you it is because I am very worried, at the end of my tether with worry, that he will go back to all that.

TheCowardlyLion - did you read my reply to Noddyholder? Or did you just want to have a go so not bother???

Just some advice based on my parents' experience: nip this situation in the bud ASAP. If you want your son to leave, start planning for that NOW as it could take up to a year for him to find a job, a place of his own and save up some money. Don't dither and think about how nice it is to have him around: make up your mind on when / whether you want him out and then set a timeframe for that.

Sit down with your son and discuss what his options are, ground-rules for him living at home in the meantime (e.g. contributing costs, telling you what jobs he's applied for etc) and then, with his input, make a plan together for the next 3, 6 and 12 months.

Whatever you do, don't let this drag on and give him the impression that your house is always open to him and he's always welcome there because he will just take the proverbial if you do.

Sorry if I sound harsh but my parents made the fatal mistake with my older brother of letting him back home to live after he dropped out of his PhD when he was 25. He was always clingy and a homebird, coming home in all of his summer holidays at college. He was also very arrogant about his intellect and assumed that any job other than college professor was beneath him. My parents indulged him a bit too much (my mother would buy him his favourite food, cook him meals etc initially although she doesn't do that now) and never set a deadline for him to leave. This was the key problem because it meant my brother just felt he could stay there forever. Like with you, my parents were very worried about cutting him loose and him ending up homeless or not being able to cope. Unfortunately this has backfired on them as now they are in their 70s, retired, and my brother is 41 (!!!) and still living at home. It has ruined my parents' retirement and made them so unhappy to see how he has wasted his life and having to watch him keep on wasting it under their noses every day.

So you need to make a firm decision now: where do you want to be in 20 years? What's your worst case scenario? It's unpleasant to think about and I know how hard it is, from my own family's experience, but the sooner you make a decision and enforce it, the better. At least if you push hard now, there is a chance that in 20 years your son could be a happy, productive man who has learnt to stand on his own two feet in the end. If you let the situation drag on and don't take charge of it, it will definitely not change.

I didn't want to have a go. I just don't see the point of posting that the situation is one thing, getting advice on that, and then saying that it is something else. Why waste your time and everyone else's? Basically, you didn't like the fact that the replies you were getting suggested you were going to have to practise some tough love so you shifted the goalposts. But don't start having a go at me because of that.

Thanks InMyPrime, I'll make a plan with him next time I'm home. :)

Here are the relevant bits of my OP thecowardlylion: "He has had a drug problem (cannabis) and drinks far too much. I have told him if he has one joint or gets drunk in our house, he's out

My worry is that if we did, he would turn back to drugs."

I believe apart from the drinking bit, I did say that it WAS a problem, not IS. You need to read things properly.

If it wasn't still a problem, you wouldn't worry that he would turn back to drugs. And even I know enough about drugs to know that someone who has HAD a problem with them can be clean for ten years and still have a problem with them.

I can read just fine, thank you. You need to express things properly.

This bit sticks out to me:

I've just written to him saying that staying in our house comes with conditions - one of which is letting me know every day what he has applied for

That IS treating him like a child. He isnt, he is an adult. He shouldnt have to report back to you on a daily basis like this really.

He doesnt sound that bad a bloke, and is in the same situation as many his age at the moment. There is not a lot of work about, and there are lots of applicants going for every job. Even temp work, especially at this time of year is inundated with student who want to work during their summer breaks, or overseas students coming here for work too. His age group and limited experience will severely impact the jobs available to him, as there will be a lot more his age, but with a better CV.

Lots of lads his age make a fuck up at some point, due to drinking too much, and it rarely means they have an alcohol problem, and lots also dabble with recreational drugs, but dont go on to become totally dependant on it too.

If he is being a considerate "tenant" and looking after the house, then that is something. I know of plenty who would abuse that freedom, and it sounds like he does respect your home.

Help him with his job hunt, but dont be too controlling over it, or he will get arsey, you will get frustrated, and it will end up in a battle that will not help the situation.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, and he will find something, but everyone is struggling right now. :)

hm, yes I suppose it is treating him like a child squeakytoy, but I don't think I trust him enough to just let him get on with it. If he lets me know every day then at least I'm sure he's trying......

Have you enabled him over the years? Why did he not go to university and get a job straight out of education?

The job market is horrendous and those with no work history or qualifications will not be able to find work.

There are a 100 applicants per job.

If he needs money to eat he can sign on.

Dont kick him out but tell him he does have to help himself or he end up forty years old with nothing to show for it and does he really want that?

He can study free whilst on benefits.

He just wouldn't go. He said he'd had enough of education. (he went to a private boarding school) He moved out at 17 for a year and was dealing drugs. We brought him out here for 6 months, then sent him on a working holiday to Australia for a year to get him away from his lifestyle. He didn't work much in Oz. I am going to have a long talk with him. He always has good intentions but then doesn't seem to get anywhere. I have to push him now methinks.

Is he an only child?

Yes, my only child. My husband has 2 grown up children from his previous marriage.

Can I please say this without you being offended. You seem to have been absent from his life for many of his formative years. Obviously your work may have made it necessary for him to be at boarding school, but perhaps some of his behaviour has been a cry for help, and "packing him off to Australia", also made him feel a bit rejected.

Now you are thinking of ways to kick him out of your house.

I sense there may be deeper problems than what appears on the surface, and he needs some parental attention of a caring kind, rather than money, or being told to "get a job or get out".

Sorry, I dont want to sound harsh, but it does sound like he is possibly a confused man, who feels a bit unwanted by his parents, and finds it hard to form relationships too.

I may be reading too much into this, but he does sound as if he could be lonely too if he is on his own again now.

Can you give more details on why 'nothing he has done has lasted more than a few months'? Why is that?

How did he react when he got the sack? How did you/your dh respond?

Are you and your dh abroad indefinitely? Does he have relatives/godparents etc 'back home' who could support him, or is he truly along back in the UK?

Does he have friends, and if so, are they employed?

truly alone

Yes it probably looks that way. When he was at school I was not abroad. I went to see him twice a week and picked him up from school every Saturday morning and took him back sunday night. No other parent in that school had their child at home as much as I did - but I lived too far away for him to be a day boy and couldn't afford to move. The school he was destined for had a success rate of 3% at GCSE and his friend at school was twoc'ing cars at the age of 10. Australia was the best time of his life, he says. He loved every minute of it. He is constantly telling me that he wishes I'd had more kids because I love him too much and if there had been more I would have shared the love out lol.

Nothing has lasted for various reasons - he hated the job, the contract ended, the firm went bankrupt, etc. He does work hard when he's in work but seems very unlucky.

He was devastated when he got the sack. He just kept saying sorry. We were devastated too.

We reckon we'll retire in 5 years time. He has used up his relatives and friends when he was younger.No-one will have him. They are all still friends, have him round for tea, socialise with him etc., but he can't stay anywhere else.

All his friends are no-hopers. He hasn't seen them since he has been home. He has (another) ex girlfriend who he sees regularly as a friend. She's lovely and has a lot of time for him, although there's nno future for them as an item.

Please dont think for a moment I am saying you dont love him. I am certainly not at all. I also think in a roundabout way, he is telling you that he IS lonely by that statement of wishing you had other kids, but also feels suffocated, or under immense pressure to "please" you. I was an only child, and remember that feeling too. My parents adored me, but the pressure to be a high achiever, was too much, and I did rebel big time in my teens.

I will be honest, I dont understand, or agree with boarding school, but that is my personal view, and I am simply saying how I know I would have felt inside if I had been sent to one. The few people who I know that did go to boarding school did have difficulties with a closesness to their parents as they grew up, and did feel as if they were abandoned. An "excellent" education is not always better than going home to your mum every night, and I also think boys suffer more than girls too, but are scared to admit it as it doesnt seem "manly" to confess to.

Does your son have access to his daughter/your grandaughter?

Why has he not gone to a temping agency to look for a job??

When my highly qualified 40 year old DP was made redundant he went to a temping agency and was never out of employment for the whole three years he was without a 'proper' job (which he did finally get). He did everything you can think of including working in warehouses and call centres. It wasn't very pleasant at times (esp. the warehouse) as he got a lot of verbal abuse (his nickname was 'gay boy) apparently because he talked 'posh' and preferred to read the Independent than look at the pictures in the Star.

Also as an employer myself we have a lot of temps, again quite often over qualified (think trained barristers working basic admin jobs) but they learn work based skills as well having a bit of direction. Some of the temps have actually managed to obtain permanent jobs because we've been so impressed so there are plus points on all sides.

I'm quite sure your son could get a foot on the ladder this way and get back a bit of self respect.