Divorce papers served - have I done the right thing?

[Wisedupwoman]

Had to name change again to be on safe side.
Been posting on other thread - hope followers recognise this.

H gone five weeks ago after second affair in 4 years was discovered by me but not before he gave many, many clues and slip-shod attempts to keep it 'secret' from me. H wanted out and would have known my reaction to finding out hence i think he took this way to force my hand. Heartbroken as long, long relationship with both adult and teenage DC's involved.

Today the divorce papers went to court to be served. The therapist I'm seeing commented that this has been quite quick. This has set up train of thought which goes 'was this my fault, am I assuming too much here about what H really wants, is he such a monster........'

Need ongoing support about this please......

Dozer: Years ago, I would have looked like Debbie Harry in stillettoes. Now, I'd probably look like Lily Savage..(although my friends say I look like a younger Twiggy - god I love my friends - even though they should have gone to Specsavers).

If you had to have a photo of WUMS (or mine) ex's knob - please don't stress. The photo would (in my case) fit on a postage stamp, with room for the entire works of Shakespeare around the edge. So fret not.

Just had maudlam thought (maudlam is a cross between bedlam and maudlin - think madness with lots of tissues to mop up tears)

My sense of humour is back. I used to make him laugh alot.

I'll say no more.

Thinking of the entire works of Shakespeare, isn't there a theatre company that does it in about a minute? (leaves that one hanging for other's to dally with)

Yes - there is a theatre group that does that - but I'm thinking of all the plays, sonnets, etc. The sort of thing you could use as a door stop). The thing I lugged around to lots of tutorials for years, that almost dislocated my shoulder...that's what they could fit on a postage stamp with a photo of ex's knob in the middle.

You are making US laugh WUM: And believe me, we are so much more worth it than your EX to be: "He is not worthy" and all that.
X

And yes, of course....entire Shakespeare in a minute...that's a long time to us isn't it WUM? (Winks). Stick the kettle on, foreplay....the act (is it in yet?) a fag afterwards, waits for kettle to boil...LOL!

We tried mediation (as I'm sure I've mentioned before). It didn't get very far because we couldn't agree how to split paying for the second session. Now that's what you call a pointless exercise.

Annie: There is no point in our case either - totally pointless. I want to divorce him asap - wild horses wouldn't stop me - it's as simple as that.

Mediation is supposed to help you work out a reasonable split, assets, DC access etc, without firing loaded solicitors at each other. It's supposed to be the pain-free way of coming to a settlement that can simply be rubber-stamped by the court. Where it falls down badly is in assuming that both parties are reasonable human beings with at least one foot somewhere in the region of Planet Earth. If that were the case most of us wouldn't be getting divorced in the first place, would we.

Annie sorry but that's hilarious!!!

Passes Hedgehog around, followed by St Agur (blue cheese) on little mini cheesy crackers, mozarella/tomato/basil salad - help yourselves...

Any olives Chipping in? And a chipolata for WUM: Just to make her feel at home....

Yes - Kalmata Olives (ny favourite) and some stuffed black ones. No chipolatas in this veggie house.... but I'm guessing a very tiny pickled gherkin would be much the same as what she's used to!

Exactly Annie: If we had men from Planet Earth, then we had been able to talk to them in the first place! We are educated, savvy women, who want the best for our kids - if our kids are happy so are we. I've lived with my husband for 22 years, known him for 24. He is like a stranger to me now - how on God's earth would a mediator help us? I want rid - end of. There is no other option - he isn't the man I married. He's let us all down - so now it's a case of getting shot as soon as possible, with kids and I getting what we deserve. There is not a mediator on earth who could help us - so what's the point? If it goes to Court - so be it. I would rather pay a lawyer more, than to see his smug, self satisfied, fake tanned gob again.

Oh, I just love Kalmata olives.....and runny Brie...oh (drool). LOL at the gerkin comment!

Me too... I had brie last week, a lovely piece.... it was gooooood.

Had to run out to collect DD. now running to catch y'all up. dammit missed the st agur, olives, hedghog, oh feck just sat on the gherkin, it was so teeny-tiny I didn't see it.

Hey Saffysmum i feel exactly the same about mediation. i don't want it, so i'm going to email sol to tell him.

now it's time for bed. am weak from laughing so much.

thanks for a great evening girls, i really enjoyed your company.
xxx

You can tell me off if you like.

I'm just going to write and hopefully will work this one through.

It's about the mediation. Since I said ok to giving it a go yesterday, I can feel the anxiety creeping back.

Much as you know I want to make an entrance and stun him - this is how I think it will be:

I will be an emotional wreck and this could easily derail me in the meetings, regardless of the skill of the mediator.

STBXH is holding out on the divorce papers as a strategy - why is not so important, I don't have to concern myself about this. But he is a strategist and never does anything without having first planned the outcome. I know that the shit he seems to be in financially suggests otherwise but he is a long-term player and arch manipulator. Mediation would, in my mind, be playing his game and it will hurt.

It won't necessarily cost much less than going to court for an interim settlement because I am so dependent on my sol for advice and support so for each mediation, say 4 meetings at £200, a meeting with sol £100 or more, about £1200 plus then getting the thing made legal £? Then he skips off having satisfied himself he's 'done all he can' to make this amicable, absolved himself of everything.

Going to court for the interim order which also forces us both to disclose all our finances, not just those we want to disclose, will cost £3500 to £5000. If I borrow this from my dad, I will have to pay it back out of the equity when the house gets sold in a couple of years, by which time I hopefully will have a better paid job to support myself and get a mortgage which H says he will continue to pay as part of the settlement he is currently offering. Hopefully by then the housing market will have picked up a bit but of course it's all relative. Sol can apply for STBXH to share these costs so I don't bear all of them.

Mediation is designed to take the heat out of divorce and reduce the cost of divorce to the government. If we had both decided our marriage was over without all the betrayal then I would go for it without any doubt - I'm not so stupid that I don't/can't see the financial implications of going the legal route now and I don't have that pot of money to spend. I wish I did.

I want to send a clear, unequivocal message to STBXH that I will never trust him in any way again and can get what I want without having to see or speak to him ever, if I don't want to. And right now, I don't.

I am talking myself out of the mediation option. It's an intensely personal choice I know, but not going for it until we've been to court may expose his 'game' for want of a better word. The way I see it it may even expose his honesty, if there is any. So I would be paying to see whether he is honest and means everything he has said about how he will support us in the future.

God that was long, but i needed to do it here. It woke me up at silly o/c. I won't spend the weekend worrying though.

Why on earth would this warrant a 'telling off'?? Bloody hell... I nearly couldn't read it - I thought you were going to say something like you called him last night and he came home!

It is what I would have said you should do, had you asked :)

Now - decision made! Try to enjoy the weekend!! What are you up to?

Sounds very logical to me! I thought you were going to say he was back to!

I think, given his behaviour over non-signing of the papers, I would want to to go down the forced reveal route too. That way you know exactly where you are and its sends a message about just how much trust is lost.

I still think that it might turn out that, instead of there being some devious plan, he is just a deeply sad fucker who can't live within his means, can't budget, tries to emotional blackmail for control and wants to be adored, and can't face signing.

that's probably just because after all my worries about devious plotting, my bastard ex turned out to be just this useless there was no plot, just a sad fucker

Telling off? only if you had been in touch with him.

Actually as I read through your post, your clarity of thinking is impressive (not only because its early on a Saturday morning ) but it feels like a natural progression in your way of thinking and I get the impression that your instinct is that this is the right thing to do.

Didn't you go through some form of therapy a few years ago and get back together?... Perhaps the reality of that being a sham is in your mind as well and if he can screw you over once and make promises in a controlled environment, he can do it again.

Its been hilarious thinking about making a fab entrance and blowing the waster away with your confidence, but in fact the process of thinking this through has given you the strength to say 'no' to mediation and know in your own mind that this is the right decision. That counts as a result!!

Reading your post tells me that you already want out of all of this and are planning your future, workwise and where you will live, perhaps going through the stress of mediation would hold that up and you now have the power/choice to make that decision and take some control.

I suspect that what Migrating says about her Ex being a sad fucker is more or less the same for you. Take heart that you are getting out of this relationship and not wasting any more years being at the receiving end of his mid-life crisis. Looks like he's been using that excuse for longer than you can remember.

What a lovely way to wake up (for the second time this morning)! Have headache from lack of sleep though.

It is what I would have said you should do, had you asked

I still think that it might turn out that, instead of there being some devious plan, he is just a deeply sad fucker who can't live within his means, can't budget, tries to emotional blackmail for control and wants to be adored, and can't face signing

Blimey!

Will send email to sol with instruction not to go for mediation. Thanks for getting things in perspective.

And you will never hear from me that I have asked him to, or taken him back. It's over.

This weekend it's boring houseworky stuff, trying to get to see my mum, out to dinner tonight, tomorrow DD is playing semi-final footie.

What about you? Something more exciting than ^ hopefully!

O thanks Alldownhill I can't seem to get the hang of the ordering of MN posts so just want to acknowledge your lovely feedback.

For the purposes of letting you all know I mean it, i have just whizzed the emial off to the sol - NO to mediation, YES to court!

email, even

meeting relatives really...catching up on sleep! watching the garden get much needed water.

After the last few weekends, thats as much as I want

Good decision!

I've got a houseworky weekend ahead too but am starting to worry about slipping into old age because I am happy to see rain this morning. The ground here is parched so the garden is really suffering - no longer! I've got birthdays to buy for so am needing ideas - they seem to have everything they need these days, its getting more difficult to think of things.

We're also in exam mode with all three DCs and each one has their own way of coping. Its so hard not to compare them and make comments.

Have a good day!