After 22 years he wants out: How do me and kids cope with this?

[Saffysmum]

Got married 22 years ago - thought it was for keeps.

After 4 kids - now teenagers, he's decided that he no longer loves me and he needs to move on.

Last year he told me that his feelings had changed. I was gobsmacked. He insisted that there was no OW. He said he no longer loved me. I told him to leave, but he than backed down, said we needed to get "reconnected". He made no attempts to do this. We both work hard and long hours although he earns 4 times more than me (I work a couple of nights a week as a Mental Health Nurse).

I didn't work at all whilst bring up 4 kids ( born within 5 years of each other). I went back to work part time when youngest started high school.

My darling younger sis was diagnosed with cancer late last year - and sadly a couple of months ago lost her fight. It didn't bring us closer, he offered no support at all to me. My elderly parents were naturally devastated. He somehow made it all about him, IFYSYIM. He "grieved" alone, like it affected him more than me.

Anyway, two weeks ago, he said that he needed to move out. That he no longer loved me and that my sister's death had made him realise that he had to live his life as he wanted to. I have been reeling from this.

He said that he hopes we can remain friends for the kids sake.

The kids are all teenagers btw, eldest DS has A levels looming, whilst younger daughter has GCSEs in a couple of months. They know nothing of this.

I cannot forgive him - he is like a stranger to me. If I didn't have the kids then I would have thrown him out two weeks ago. I feel absolute contempt.

My parents are still grieving, and they think he is wonderful. Everyone thinks he is.

I think he is going through a mid life crisis - he is obsessed with his appearance, his weight - is constantly working out or running. If I wasn't so gutted I would laugh at him. He is sadly turning into the sad old git we all scoffed at in the nightclubs years ago.

He said it will take him a couple of months to find somewhere else to live - and that by then eldest two will have taken exams.

I want him out now-but also realise that all kids will be devastasted - and that older two need to take exams which are stressful without the added stress of coping with us breaking up.

I have always, and always will put the kids first. I will fight tooth and nail to get them what they deserve. How do I cope with this though?

Rousing chorus everyone:

"And so you're back from outer space,
I just walked in to find you there with that sad look upon your face;
I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key,
If I knew for one second you'd be back to bother me..."

You are certainly on top form lately Annie your posts are fab!

Saffy, just been reading through your thread and just wanted to say that I think you're fab. Your children are extremely lucky to have such an amazing role model for a mum. Clearly this explains why they are handling this all so well.

I wish you so much luck with your new life and have no doubt that you will be all the happier for it.

Xx

Glad things're going well! Not long til the summer.

Hey, I didn't write that song y'know!

Saffy if you really are worried that he'll turn up one day, then I think you ought to change the locks. Really, you don't want him having access to your home as and when he sees fit.

At the moment, I think he might be seeing this as temporary, a storm in a teacup. He seems to have very little real understanding of the damage he's done, so I think he might be 'humouring' you at the moment by tolerating living somewhere else. On some level, he thinks this is going to go away.

Once he starts getting paperwork for a divorce and it becomes real to him, he may well change his strategy and you could come home and find him sitting on the sofa. Then you'll find it hard to get rid and he'll be causing all sorts of upheaval to your DC who are doing so well.

Please get the locksmith out tomorrow x

Thanks all for your lovely messages since I last posted.

karma - I don't think it's legal for me to change the locks, but you're right, I don't want him here unless I'm here. I don't think he would move himself back in - I guess what I was saying was that I already prefer life without him, and the thought of being with him turns my stomach. He wanted this - this was his goal - although I think I caught him on the hop, because he didn't have "the couple of months" he wanted to find somewhere. He certainly has very little understanding of what he's done, and his texts to the kids confirm this. Perhaps reality is hitting a bit, because they aren't weeping and wailing and knocking on his door - he is hardly mentioned now at home - and every one from family to friends who visit say that the atmosphere is so much better.

He is extremely egotistical - everything revolves around him - so he will find it hard that we are coping without him, but I doubt he will ever see himself as others see him. If he now realises (or in the future realises) what he's lost - then it's tough.

If the worse thing happened, and he moved himself back in, then I can get at least half a dozen big fellas round here within five minutes - including eldest son and his mates. When they've chucked him out, then I will change the locks!

I don't know or care about how he reacts when he gets the papers - it doesn't bother me at all, because he's history, it's over, and if he wasn't father to my kids, then I would happily never see or speak to him again. And that is set in stone. I just want him to know that I want shot. What he wants is irrelevant.

A fellow colleague (doctor in mental health) predicts that shortly H will have a crisis - a breakdown, due to the realisation and impact of what's happened, and what he's lost - if so, I don't care. I simply don't care. I'm ok - kids are ok, and in my world, that's fantastic.

Thanks everyone.

Just caught back up with this thread! My god saffy, read your OP and your latest post and see the transformation you have gone through.

What an awesome woman you are! More power and strength to you. Well Done!

You are doing amazingly well, and as MaybeTomorrow said, it's clear to see where your kids get it from!!

He is a completely deluded fuckwit who has NO idea what he's put his kids through - none at all.... YET.

I'd like to see the silly fucker try to move back in - if I were him I'd be more scared of your two DD's than any Big Blokes!!

My first visit to this thread, and just wanted to add my voice to all the support. You should be so proud of both yourself and your children in the way you have all handled it. There will be good days and bad days, but the relief to leave behind someone who has withdrawn emotionally some time ago, I know exactly how that feels

Thank you HerHissyness, Chip and letitlie - I am very proud of my kids. I am getting so much support in RL now, and it's so helpful, also of course the support on here has been invaluable - thank you all again. Chips - you're right about the DDs! My God, they're a force to be reckoned with! X

You've done a good job with them!! :)

Hi

Just a quick update: SHL sent me the draft letter to H yesterday (God, she's good!) which I approved by email, she then sent it to him yesterday.

She also sent me the initial paperwork for the petition, and says she will start preparing that next week. I've spent most of the morning filling in information etc., but have just posted it all off. So things are now moving.

STBXH picked up YS this morning, and I told him to take all his post and packages (more designer too young for him crap from Ebay), and that I wouldn't be signing for anything else, so he'd better get his change of address sorted. He looked terrible and was very quiet and sheepish...perhaps the letter arrived this morning?

We are all fine, younger daughter barely acknowledged him, older son completely blanked him, and eldest daughter couldn't be bothered to drag herself away from watching Friends in her bedroom to say hello. YS now back and is absolutely fine.

X

The penny might be dropping with him then. Am really glad your SHL is so good.

Wow what a thread. I have just read every word and am so impressed by how you and your lovely children have coped.

Marvellous!! She's good isn't she!

Poor little darling looked terrible & sheepish did he - awww bless He probably just ripped one on his new fluro shirts or something - not sure he has enough awareness for it to be anything as deep as the letter arriving.

Has YS been to the new 'lovely house with lovely people' yet?

I wish W could get legal aid & your SOL too!

Thanks Karma, empire and Chips!

No YS hasn't shown any inclination to visit the 'lovely house with the lovely family' - but ES did ask DD who visited (well got as far as the drive before she insisted on coming home) a couple of weeks ago whether it had a lovely front lawn. When she said "yes" he said "good....cos me and a few mates are hiring a van and dumping all his stuff there over half term if he hasn't picked it up" - that really made me laugh.

Yes I wish W could get legal aid and my SHL too - I am very lucky to have her on my side.

Hi

STBXH picked daughters up from a party last night (I told them to get a taxi and I'd pay this end, but they insisted that I save my money!). Anyway, he was very quiet and subdued. Actually asked how they both were! They said, fine, then he asked them about their exams, they said fine - very short responses - both felt uncomfortable with him. Then he asked how I was, and they said, predictably, fine. Then he turned to his favourite subject in the world - himself. After just two weeks "in the lovely new home with the lovely new family with the lovely dog" he's unhappy there. He says he feels that it isn't right. Girls said he was very down.

The grass certainly isn't greener over there is it? It's so predictable, it's laughable.

Sounds like he's angling to come back. Are you sure you don't want to change the locks?

I'll change the locks if I have to, but there's no way on this earth I'd have him back, if he tried to get in he'd soon get turfed out again. I think the solicitor's letter has shaken him a bit - reality is starting to hit perhaps.
Thanks

< lurks >

Hope that he can improve his relationships with all of the DCs in the future (if that's what they want of course). Would be really sad (for them) if not. Does he have anyone sensible in his life who can give him a kick up the bum about how he's been and the pain he's caused; and tell him what he can do to begin to make amends? (Not in a coming-back way, but in a being-a-better-father way).

< offers HHN a swig out of her hipflask >

I'm not sure what else to say other than HAHAHAHA! What was he expecting? He still has to eat, work, wash his socks -'seems that reality has fallen short of his expectations.