After 22 years he wants out: How do me and kids cope with this?

[Saffysmum]

Got married 22 years ago - thought it was for keeps.

After 4 kids - now teenagers, he's decided that he no longer loves me and he needs to move on.

Last year he told me that his feelings had changed. I was gobsmacked. He insisted that there was no OW. He said he no longer loved me. I told him to leave, but he than backed down, said we needed to get "reconnected". He made no attempts to do this. We both work hard and long hours although he earns 4 times more than me (I work a couple of nights a week as a Mental Health Nurse).

I didn't work at all whilst bring up 4 kids ( born within 5 years of each other). I went back to work part time when youngest started high school.

My darling younger sis was diagnosed with cancer late last year - and sadly a couple of months ago lost her fight. It didn't bring us closer, he offered no support at all to me. My elderly parents were naturally devastated. He somehow made it all about him, IFYSYIM. He "grieved" alone, like it affected him more than me.

Anyway, two weeks ago, he said that he needed to move out. That he no longer loved me and that my sister's death had made him realise that he had to live his life as he wanted to. I have been reeling from this.

He said that he hopes we can remain friends for the kids sake.

The kids are all teenagers btw, eldest DS has A levels looming, whilst younger daughter has GCSEs in a couple of months. They know nothing of this.

I cannot forgive him - he is like a stranger to me. If I didn't have the kids then I would have thrown him out two weeks ago. I feel absolute contempt.

My parents are still grieving, and they think he is wonderful. Everyone thinks he is.

I think he is going through a mid life crisis - he is obsessed with his appearance, his weight - is constantly working out or running. If I wasn't so gutted I would laugh at him. He is sadly turning into the sad old git we all scoffed at in the nightclubs years ago.

He said it will take him a couple of months to find somewhere else to live - and that by then eldest two will have taken exams.

I want him out now-but also realise that all kids will be devastasted - and that older two need to take exams which are stressful without the added stress of coping with us breaking up.

I have always, and always will put the kids first. I will fight tooth and nail to get them what they deserve. How do I cope with this though?

Thanks Dozer, Chipping and Karma - I will tell the lawyer everything - then she will have the full picture.

I do agree that in his daft never-never-land world that he now lives in, he really does think that he is the most important person in the universe, and that the kids will be happy if HE is happy. He has no concept of reality - of seeing things as they really are. He cannot see things from the kids perspective at all. What sort of man really thinks that he can do what he has done, and then two weeks after he leaves without even a goodbye, expects a 15 year old to want to see his new home, and more to the point, be happy for him? And remember, this is the first time he's seen her...what an idiot.

Thanks everyone.

Saffy another one here who thinks your DCs are amazing. The thing is that they are coming to these conclusions themselves - they haven't been pressurised to think one way or another. They see things as they truly are and I hope your DD's text has really hit home and made him feel ashamed.

From what I understand, you need very little to petition for unreasonable behaviour and as far as I can see, you've got more than enough to go on. The initial declaration of loss of feelings and the withdrawal from the marriage over the next year, followed by his more recent pronouncement, would be regarded by any sane person as unreasonable, in that no-one can be expected to continue a marriage with someone who says his feelings have departed and who intends to withdraw permanently from the marriage. I very much doubt that your DDs would have to testify about the porn use, but porn consumption on the family computer, used in preference to a marital relationship, would also be regarded as unreasonable behaviour in its own right.

I think people are saying you're doing well and that you look better because you are no longer living a lie. Having to pretend is an enormous strain on anyone and given the sadness and turmoil of the past year, it is no wonder there is such a sense of relief.

I think at some point, there might be some sadness and tears, perhaps for the man he used to be - but that's to be expected and if you know it might come, forewarned is forearmed. For now though, just press on with the solicitors and getting the divorce in motion.

Have you got any holiday plans for you and the DCs once the exams. are over? That might be something to look forward to, if finances allow - and it will also be a good milestone, to have a family holiday without him.

Thanks WWIFN: It is reassuring to know that I should be able to divorce him on his UB; the thought of waiting two years is unbearable. It is lovely not to live a lie, and the sense of relief is wonderful. The atmosphere at home is so much healthier.

He texted back to DD a little while ago; said that he would never have another family to replace the one he had, and that where he was living now was no substitute; but that he hoped he could see her, and her siblings, when things "had settled down". He hasn't addressed her comments about the porn, about him distancing himself from me and them, about his lack of kindness following his SIL's death, at all. Just completed ignored it. She says she's going to ignore his texts for as long as she needs to, and have no contact with him. It is great in one sense that the older kids have seen him in his true colours, with no input from me - it validates all my reasons for chucking him out. On the other hand, I am seething that he could put himself before them. He even took DD shopping today (she told me earlier) and said he needed to get some bed linen, etc., for his new home! Then he told her about the lovely dog they had, and how he was looking forward to taking it for walks. She said she felt so hurt by this, that he seemed to think that she should be happy for him, after what she's seen over the last year.

Anyway, he's made his bed, he can lie in it - new duvet and dog hair and all.

You're right that I might get upset about the man he was - I'm surprised that apart from one lousy day shortly after he went, when I was weepy, I haven't cried at all. Still, I did enough of that when he was here and I was putting on a front. But I do accept that there may will be days that I feel upset again - right now, I just feel relief, and concern (as always) for the kids. But they are ok - and if they are - then I am.

Solicitor on Wed is what I am focusing on now. Thanks.

Meant to add: No plans for a holiday yet - perhaps will try to book a last minute deal for the school holidays - depends on finances.

saffysmum I have just read through all this (I will admit mostly just your posts sorry). Can I just say how amazing your children are? When I read how your son sat you down before you told you STBXH to leave and talked to you about how he was treating you I (stupidly) welled up with pride for a stranger's son - he behaved like such an admirable man! Throughout this, I've been struck by the dignity you have behaved with - I can't even begin to know how I'd react. Especially how you've managed to let your DC make their own choice about contact and keeping it open - a hard thing to do I imagine.

Good luck for Wednesday - hooray for shithot lawyer

Thank you springbok.

Saffy, your H sounds so like my exH it's almost a deja vu experience for me. The self-absorbtion is mind-boggling though. exH wanted the DCs to come and help hm find another place to live -- he invited them to do this right after telling them he would be moving out, as he drove them all to school after the Christmas break a few years ago. Then he left them on the curb outside the school and drove off.

If you can, limit the contact your H has with the DD. Get her another phone, tell the H she is not interested in seeing him (be a go-between in other words) if she can't refuse to see him herself. It is really painful for a child to think there is some way she will penetrate the teflon and have her father take on board the reality of what he has done and the effects of his terrible behaviour on his children, when in fact this kind of personality is impervious to criticism or empathy of any kind. If she is hoping he will have some sort of epiphany and apologise to her, she is probably sorely mistaken -- best to scotch any hope of such an eventuality sooner rather than later. The only thing you can be sure of here is that your H will hurt the DCs and the more contact he has with them the more likelihood there is of wounds being inflicted.

Thanks Mathanx: I'm sorry my is experience echos yours - you too have been through a horrible time. I am going to tell the solicitor everything tomorrow - absolutely everything. You are right - he is, like your X completely incapable of seeng anybody else's point of view - even his kids. His behaviour is cruel, and I will do all I can to protect them. I have spoken to both daughters again, and told them that they don't have to see him unless they want to, that this might take, days - weeks - months - years - it is only up to them. Older daughter (who discovered the porn) says that she doesn't miss him at all, and that upsets her - she feels she should miss her dad! Bless her - honestly I could wring the stupid self-satisfied git's neck. I have suggested counselling for her - and she said she'll see how she feels - she needs to offload how she feels - her disgust, the fact that she can't bear to think of him looking at those degrading images...and although she talks to me, and I encourage this - I think she is protecting me. So counselling is on the table for her and the others.

I think she thinks, as you say, that he will have a lightbulb moment, and come to his senses. I've told her this is unlikely and that there is no way on earth that I will ever have him back. She says if he ever did come back to live here, she would leave home - doesn't that say it all? What a horrible man he is - I cannot believe he has changed so much.

I just want to get the best financial deal I can, and cut him out of my life. My kids will make up their own minds, with my total support and protection.

Thanks

Seen Shit Hot Lawyer! She certainly lives up to her reputation, and is fast becoming my new best friend!

To cut a long story short - papers for divorce, on grounds of unreasonable behaviour (apparently, I have more than enough) will be served by this time next week.

And she's got me legal aid!

Am really glad you got legal aid Saffysmum. That really is excellent news. She sounds very on-the-ball, which is exactly what you need.

I think the counselling for your daughter is also an excellent idea. Agree that she probably holds back a bit when she is talking to you and it would be good for her to express what she's feeling without worrying that she might upset you.

Thank you karma - yes I think counselling for daughter would be positive, and agree with you that she probably is holding back to protect me. I think that because she kept her discovery to herself for a couple of weeks before telling me proves that. I am so angry at him, and his reaction to her, saying all men do it to justify himself is appalling. I told SHL (shit hot lawyer) everything and she rolled her eyes and said "firstly NOT all men do it, and secondly, they are not so careless as to leave links open on a family computer". Then rubbed her hands together, and started going on about his income and pension.....lol.

She is going to nail him to the floor. Nice to see someone so happy in their work

Wow, you're moving fast. Good for you. I love your lawyer even from here.

Hugs to your DD.

Oh that is good news Saffy. A relief too, given the questions you posed at the weekend. I'm really glad the solicitor observed that not all men use porn, too. It's one of my pet hates on Mumsnet when some posters seem to find it incomprehensible that there are actually more evolved and political men out there, who detest porn.

Some counselling for DD sounds good too. Although what she found will have been traumatising for her, especially having to keep it a secret, the positive side of this is that as a young woman, she will be very clear about her boundaries and what she will find acceptable in relationships. The fact that her older brother is such an emotionally intelligent young man (plus of course her Uncle too) means that fortunately, she does have some good male role models around her. Together with your brilliant parenting skills, I feel sure she will be fine, but might just need to discharge some righteous anger and disappointment, in what she feels will be a safe space.

Another hurdle negotiated! Well done.

Thanks Karma, MathAnx and WWIFN. Yes, daughter does have some excellent role models around her, and a lovely boyfriend and male friends. She is very special, as all our kids are. She texted me as I was on way to solicitors to wish me luck and to tell me to tell the solicitor everything, and added that she would sign anything, or even see to solicitor herself to confirm the porn stuff, if necessary. Bless her - I almost cried. X

Hi Saffysmum you're doing great!

SHL's are worth their weight in gold, aren't they, and come second only to fantastic DC's and yours sound amazing, a credit to their mum.

I'll be watching and learning from your thread to see how your SHL deals with XH over the coming weeks - we can compare notes!

Saffy - EXCELLENT news re Legal Aid & the fact that she's so onto it!!! Brilliant.

As for STBXH - completely stupid fuckwit. He really is bloody dim isn't he? What man thinks 'Oh I've really upset my DD, I've behaved like a shit to her Mum and she's seen my 'porn', I haven't seen her in a while - I know, I'll really rub her nose in it and take her shopping for things I need in my new home and tell her about the lovely people and dog'

Shit for brains.

As for your DD - she's amazing- all of them are, a total credit to you and to themselves
x

You're going to hate me for saying this but he sounds like a selfish, self-obsessed wanker. Any one who can see that your loss is going to effect you more, that its a difficult time for your kids with their exams and finds working out - of all things - more important then putting all his energy into HIs family needs to get his backside out! You need to make sure he goes whilst protecting yourself financially. Don't play games with him just pack his stuff and leave it in the street. I know from experience one decent mentally healthy parent is better for children than two who battle constantly. What a prick!

ChippingIn: You've hit the nail on the head, he is completely selfish, and his treatment of daughter last week, "rubbing her nose in it" as you so aptly put, has resulted in her ignoring his texts all week, and still saying she doesn't want to see him. He picked YS up earlier today, and daughter couldn't even be bothered to say hello to him. His fault, he can live with it. He is on a totally different planet to everyone else. A close friend came round this morning for a cuppa, and she said I looked 10 years younger! Bless her! I feel so much better it's unreal. Spent the rest of the morning sorting out tax credits, and am pleased and surprised at how much we qualify for.

So many people (lots in the family) have said that they always thought he had a huge ego, and that he was self absorbed and up himself. They also said that I should have chucked him out a year ago, after he first said he didn't love me anymore. Well, better late than never.

Thomas - I don't hate you for saying what you said - he is as you say he is! He has taken his stuff, and the rest is in the garage. I told him in the week that I wanted it all cleared out and he said he hasn't got space yet. Well tough, I've decided that if he hasn't collected it by end of May, my friend with a van will help me dump the lot of it on the front garden of his new home!

Thanks everyone, and enjoy the weekend. X

Much as I like the idea of dumping all his stuff in his front garden, I would check with the SHL first. I think that if your husband owns half your house, then you might not be able to just dump all his stuff. I might be wrong though. Otoh, you might want to do it anyway, but I'd definitely check to see if he would have any legal comeback. He sounds like the kind of chump who'd go down that route.

Yes Karma, I'll run it past SHL first - you're right! Perhaps I could flog it all on ebay and then say we was robbed! (Joke!)

Tempting

Giving him until the end of May is generous - surely the lovely people he is living with would be happy to find space for all of his crap? As they're so lovely.

I'm pleased the tax credits are being kind to you. It's always nice to know that your tax ££ is going somewhere worthwhile - it makes paying it that much less awful :)

How fantastic to be told you look 10 years younger!! It's amazing what losing 80 kilos can do to you

Just thought I'd post an update: It was three weeks today that I chucked him out - and I can honestly say that I am so much happier - home is better, the kids are fine. Neither of the girls want to see him at the moment and are rarely responding to his frequent texts.

Older son has deleted him from his phone, and is being a massive support to me and his younger siblings.

Youngest son sees his D once or twice a week, but is settled and seems fine, really fine. His Head of Year is keeping a close eye on him, and has reassured me that he's ok at school.

I have as little contact with STBXH as possible. The less I have the happier I am. SHL is preparing the paperwork and he should receive a letter of my intention to divorce within the next few days. He has told older daughter(via text) that he is "coping", that "he has back problems" but that "he is ok, if she is ok". This is the daughter who is undergoing counselling for finding the disgusting teen porn on the family computer! And this is the so called "father" who walked out on her without a word.

My family and friends have been wonderfully supportive, as have all you lovely Mnetters. The resounding message has been "how on earth did you tolerate him for over a year... you should have thrown him out a year ago".

My mum told me today that she feels as though she's finally got me back - the real me. And she has. I am so much happier and at peace than I could ever dream of. It makes me realise how unhappy and downtrodden I was.

Everyone tells me that at some point he will want to come back. My biggest fear is that I get home one day and find him moved back in. That's why I want to get things moving re divorce asap. I wouldn't, as my dear departed nan said years ago, have him back if his arse was stuffed with gold.

Thanks again. X

Wonderful update Saffysmum. I am so happy for you. You keep up the good work x