After 22 years he wants out: How do me and kids cope with this?

[Saffysmum]

Got married 22 years ago - thought it was for keeps.

After 4 kids - now teenagers, he's decided that he no longer loves me and he needs to move on.

Last year he told me that his feelings had changed. I was gobsmacked. He insisted that there was no OW. He said he no longer loved me. I told him to leave, but he than backed down, said we needed to get "reconnected". He made no attempts to do this. We both work hard and long hours although he earns 4 times more than me (I work a couple of nights a week as a Mental Health Nurse).

I didn't work at all whilst bring up 4 kids ( born within 5 years of each other). I went back to work part time when youngest started high school.

My darling younger sis was diagnosed with cancer late last year - and sadly a couple of months ago lost her fight. It didn't bring us closer, he offered no support at all to me. My elderly parents were naturally devastated. He somehow made it all about him, IFYSYIM. He "grieved" alone, like it affected him more than me.

Anyway, two weeks ago, he said that he needed to move out. That he no longer loved me and that my sister's death had made him realise that he had to live his life as he wanted to. I have been reeling from this.

He said that he hopes we can remain friends for the kids sake.

The kids are all teenagers btw, eldest DS has A levels looming, whilst younger daughter has GCSEs in a couple of months. They know nothing of this.

I cannot forgive him - he is like a stranger to me. If I didn't have the kids then I would have thrown him out two weeks ago. I feel absolute contempt.

My parents are still grieving, and they think he is wonderful. Everyone thinks he is.

I think he is going through a mid life crisis - he is obsessed with his appearance, his weight - is constantly working out or running. If I wasn't so gutted I would laugh at him. He is sadly turning into the sad old git we all scoffed at in the nightclubs years ago.

He said it will take him a couple of months to find somewhere else to live - and that by then eldest two will have taken exams.

I want him out now-but also realise that all kids will be devastasted - and that older two need to take exams which are stressful without the added stress of coping with us breaking up.

I have always, and always will put the kids first. I will fight tooth and nail to get them what they deserve. How do I cope with this though?

AF: Don't be shy with that hipflask hon!

Dozer: I too hope he is able to get to the stage where he can have a good relationship with his kids.

So far, YS is the only one who sees him regularly, and he never mentions him in between times, he seems absolutely fine, friends round a lot, etc. Daughters - both feel uncomfortable, and neither want to see him at all. There are text messages, but they have both said they are so much happier at home (and home is so much better) without him around. Which speaks volumes. They will decide when they are ready what sort of future they have with their dad.

ES is the one I think that H has lost, and this is sad. But ES has been the most astute over the last year or so, and has been appalled at H's behaviour, not only to me, but to him, and his younger siblings. ES is very much like my dad, a rock, a strong man. Right now, he has no time for his dad, and as he's eighteen with a lovely long term girlfriend, and off to Uni in October, I can't really see him needing his dad. And dad hasn't been "there" for any of us for at least two years. Not only did he let me down, he let them down big time, by distancing himself from all of us.

The one person who has given him a kick up the bum is my dear BIL, who, despite his grief and dealing with a young daughter, has been extremely supportive of me and the kids. H always thought that they were best mates, and I think it's pulled him up a bit to see that when the chips are down, blood is thicker than water, and BIL has supported us. BIL told me that H is making the biggest mistake of his life, and he must live with the consequences, then he said he's happy to meet up with him for a beer now and then, but his priority is us.

The other person, of course, who has given him a wake up call, is my SHL - well, so be it. He told me repeatedly he doesn't love me anymore, and he wanted out. So he's got what he wanted. We are all good, and life is better without him.

Geeklove: Yes, reality has fallen short of his expectations. I anticipate now that he will move again, and realise that he's not happy (or in with the elusive OW). At some point, he may wake up and realise that he is the problem and not the people around him. By then, we will have moved on even further. If he never realises this, then no matter. We are still better off without him.

Hey, Saffy you are doing so WELL! Gimme some!

See exactly what you mean about our STBXH's - they're from the same mould. More's the pity our sol's ain't.

Never mind though, we're getting there, and it's going to be great .

Thanks Wisey, we are getting there and it will be better than great, I promise, for both of us!

saffy, coming late to this thread I just want to say a bit well done to you and your totally fab kids (but with a mum like you this is to be expected!)

you have done bloody great and what a credit to you your kids are

you just sound so lovely and have brought up a secure, strong little group, with virtually no support and no love from their dick of a father

you are well rid, honey, well rid

big not bit!

Thanks ssd for the kind things you've said - made me blush!

I meant every word!

and just wanted to say again, what a great bunch of kids you have brought up, you should be patting yourself on the back right now

Hi! Just an update.

Went to mediation yesterday, because it's the law. Had the initial session by myself, and both I and mediator agreed it wasn't for me - so referred it back to solicitor. She's prepared the divorce petition for my approval, and I should receive it tomorrow. All moving quickly which is great. Life is good, much better now, and kids fine - youngest sees his dad frequently, others haven't seen him or show any signs of wanting to.

I am having no contact with him at all - and this is working well for me.

Thanks again for all your support.

X

Welcome back Saffysmum! I was beginning to wonder if I should worry about you, but clearly not!

Great to hear you have some clarity and you've laid down some firm boundaries for you and your DC's.

Won't be long before your STBXH will wonder what hit him - oh yeah, it's you and your SHL!!!!!!!!!!

thats great news, and fantastic that the mediator didnt force you to go through the motions to appease the system.
Best of luck
No contact is fantastic, isnt it!

Hi Wisey! No need to worry about me, but thanks...have been working extra night shifts and kids on half term, so mega busy. Yes my SHL and me will hit him soon! For some bizarre reason STBXH texted a photo to the kids this morning of him with the "lovely" dog in the "lovely" house. He said "meet my new best friend.." and there he was with this stupid dog. So daughter texted back, "yeah, mum's got a new best friend too - she's a rotwieller and she'll see you in court soon"!! I thought that was sooo funny!!

Nettle: Good that mediator didn't force me to go through the system - I agree, my SHL had briefed her that I probably wouldn't proceed with mediation, so it was all quick and easy.

Yes, no contact is the only way to go in my book - otherwise I think it's like having a scab that's nearly healed, then picking away at it and opening up the wound again, IYSWIM.

Im so sorry to read this saffysmum, I wouldn't worry about being 'strong for the kids', there comes a point when its good for them to see that their parents are only human it helps them to become more helpful, less selfish.
Good luck

Saffy - well, that's all good then isn't it :)

Love DD's text - she's a star she is!!

Sounds like the kids are quite strong enough by themselves. Wonderful comeback about the Rottweiler!

Glad to hear that you and the DC are well. I think you are right not to see him - he doesn't bring anything good to your life.

Hi - just an update...

got an email from SHL today: STBXH has not responded to her letter, (dated 20th May, when she asked for either him or his legal representative to get back to her within 14 days).

I have tried mediation, because I had too, and have bounced the case back to SHL, both mediator, SHL and me agree that it won't work. I can't sit in the same room as him, and I trust my SHL, and mediator didn't fill me with confidence at all.

SHL now suggesting we go straight to court, because STBXH isn't playing ball.

I don't get this: he wanted out, he knew I would divorce him - I told him this looking him straight in the eye when he said he wanted to leave. Why is he stalling? I'm giving him what he wanted - a quick divorce. So what's he up to?

Hi Saffy,
I have been following yours and Wisey's posts. I am in a very similar situation as you. I have been married 20 years. Discovered my H having an affair 4 years ago. Tried to make it work - thought he was a good, loving, decent family man - wrong!! He's a deceiptful, lying, cheating man.

I have 4 children also doing exams. They don't yet know that I have started divorce proceedings. Luckily I don't see H much as he works away so have been able to keep it from the kids until the exams are over (won't be long now). My H was pretending he cared about me. Wanted us to be a family etc. All the time he has been sneaking off to the ow. i kept asking him to just be honest. If he wanted her then be with her but don't lie to me anymore. He chose to lie.

My H has also ignored the letters from my lawyer. We have quite a bit of money so I think he was stringing me along as he doesn't want to lose his money. I am hoping my L is as good as your SHL. She hasn't mentioned mediation to me yet. I have told her now that although I hoped we could be amicable I now think that will not be the case. He hasn't spoke to or seen the kids for over a week now. I really don't understand the man. Ok don't contact me but be decent enough to keep in touch with the kids. I have never stopped him seeing them. I let him come here to spend time with them etc. I told him when I discovered his latest lies and cheating that it was up to him now. He has to make his relationship with the kids work. He can't expect me to do it for him.

He is burying his head in the sand. I don't think he has contacted his own L. He is just being bloody minded. He said he wouldn't respond to any L letters.
Aghhh. They make you so angry don't they.

Thank you for posting your story. It has helped me so much. I haven't posted because I am always scared someone will recognise me. Silly I know.

The funny thing is my H has been having an affair with the same woman for 4 years. I'm fairly sure now that he is seeing more than one woman. I'm sure that because of the money women are chasing him and he thinks he's god's gift. I hate that he is spending our family money on other women. I want this divorce to be over asap. I sometimes feel so humiliated by him. I really was a loving wife. I stupidly put him first and look where that got me.

Sorry for the long post. Take care.

I don't get this: he wanted out, he knew I would divorce him - I told him this looking him straight in the eye when he said he wanted to leave. Why is he stalling? I'm giving him what he wanted - a quick divorce. So what's he up to?

Good god, Saffy are you sure we really aren't married to the same man? I have said those exact words many, many times in the last few weeks and I still don't know for sure. I've even considered posting on dadsnet for some views from men ( I still might and if I get something useful I'll let you know). The bloke I work with says it's an avoidant strategy (my stbx has lived a life like that), but somehow it doesn't stop the 'but it doesn't make sense' thing.

Perhaps it's about the money it'll cost him to run two households? That's the best answer I can come up with - if it were about not wanting this after all, then you'd expect a different sort of sign of some sort, wouldn't you? I don't know, but it's mind-fucky all the same and perhaps indicative of his state of mind despite the tangoed tan and what he is saying.

It just looks like it's going to be left for you (us) to see it through because what's the alternative?

Hi mumonline - glad this thread has helped you, but sorry you are in a similar position to me. The audacity of these "men" (and I use that term loosely) is astounding isn't it? Mine made my life hell for almost two years, he told me he didn't love me anymore, became cruel, detached, snidey, sneering, sarcastic, critical...then after things came to a head, he sneaked out of the door, without even talking to the kids. He wanted out - he got out. And now he's stalling.

I think there are many reasons for this - 1, he didn't think I would cope without him, he thought I would crumble, because he had reduced me to a former shadow of my old fiesty self - that I haven't is a huge dent in his ego, so he's "punishing" me by not playing ball. 2, He wanted to keep his options open (this is backed up by him not getting his address changed, or taking anymore stuff from the house), and I stuffed that up by filing for divorce immediately. He thinks I won't see it through the courts and will back down - so he's pushing me into a corner. Well, he's got a shock coming, because I will divorce him, come hell or high water. 3, there is another OW (which I'm still not sure about), and she's changed her mind - perhaps because he's no longer a dirty little secret, and she's seen him, warts and all. 4 - other woman is in a relationship/marriage - and now it's all become real, she isn't going to leave her hubby for mine. 5 - He's going through the biggest mid life crisis ever known, and the grass is not only less greener than he imagined, it's full of weeds and crap, and he's stuffed, because he's got to live with the effects of his actions. So again, he's punishing me. 6, it's a power game - he likes the control, and he's spat his dummy out and decided that he's not happy, so I won't be.

I could go on forever, but the bottom line is I'm divorcing him - I'm now writing to lawyer to say go through the courts, do whatever it takes. He needs to know I'm serious - he needs to be accountable for his actions and all the lives he's disrupted.

I think I'm right mumonline, that after so many attempts to contact with no response, the courts assume consent on the respondent. I think that's where I'll end up, possibly you to.

Look after yourself, and keep posting.

Wisey - yep definitely twins separated at birth our two!! Yes, you would think that if it wasn't what they wanted, they would indicate this to us, the women they shared so many years together with. Although I wouldn't have mine back under any circumstances, you'd think he might at least suggest a meeting, or even text me to say that he's having second thoughts...but no, stupid pride, ego, whatever won't let him.

A good friend says he's probably waking up to the biggest mistake of his life, so burying his head in the sand is his way of not accepting it. Silly prat. He's made his bed, etc. etc.

Keep strong ladies - I will!!
X

Punishment Saffy, yes I relate to that. Before I blocked contact I asked PTM if he was done punishing me and he had a huge email-eppy in response to such an outrageous suggestion. That's a no then, not done yet.

The thing I'm telling myself about this is that whilst he was once a loving and devoted family man, all his actions now are information about other aspects of him that he kept more or less hidden but they were always potentially there. So this is the man I sometimes miss, sometimes love still, sometimes wish would back down - but he's not a man I'd want to spend my life with now.

We'll get there in the end.

Saffy

I agree with your reasons for the H's stalling.

1. I too think my H believes I couldn't cope without him. My life is actually easier now as I did a lot for our business, all the childcare, school runs, all housework, the garden, diy etc. (he spent a lot of his spare time in the pub)Now I don't have to do anything for him and life is simpler. (i was crumbly for a long time though, ashamed to say I was quite pathetic and tried to be the perfect wife to get him back )
2. Definately keeping his options open.
3. Unfortunately the OW in my case was happy to be treated badly and has never given up.

4.NA 5.Love your description of the mid life crisis and the grass being full of crap. I think he is def having some sort of major mid life crisis. My H likes going to all night raves and wears ridiculous T shirts that teenage boys wear.

H came to see the kids last night. We managed to keep it together for the kids but he then said so you want to be amicable blah blah. He tells me he didn't even open the letters from my L until the other day and unfortunately I saw red and had a major outburst of telling him how arrogant he is and how can we be amicable when he has lied through his teeth to me.

Wisey - your last paragraph is so true
"The thing I'm telling myself about this is that whilst he was once a loving and devoted family man, all his actions now are information about other aspects of him that he kept more or less hidden but they were always potentially there. So this is the man I sometimes miss, sometimes love still, sometimes wish would back down - but he's not a man I'd want to spend my life with now."
Although if i'm honest with myself many aspects of him weren't really hidden I just chose to ignore them.

I just don't know how to do this bloody divorce thing.

mumonline I don't think any of us know how to do this divorce thing, so you're in good company!

mumonline: So your husband goes to all night raves and wears ridiculous T shirts. Mine has stopped listening to "proper" music (always a bit of music snob) and now listens to R&B pop stuff - the sort of stuff he derided years ago. He has also taken to wearing too small, too trendy tops...do they not realise how daft they look?

I so agree about those aspects being there, but we used to choose to ignore them too - I'm guilty of this - if he was rude to one of my family, I would cover it up, say he'd had a busy day, was stressed about work....all crap, he was just rude, full stop! I too have far less to do around the home. And what I find is my attitude has changed about the chores - I would be running around all weekend doing the ironing, shopping, cleaning, etc, whilst he laid around watching Sky sports back to back, or playing on the XBox (yes, really). So I would be seething with resentment. I would then ask him to help, he would accuse me of nagging, and storm off. Now, there is no resentment, and I no longer mind doing the housework (and because he did nothing, but caused a lot of ironing/washing etc., there's less to do anyway!

I don't know how to do this divorce thing either! Thank God I have a SHL who can do it with her eyes shut. I do know that detaching and absolute no/limited contact is the key for me though. Also, you lot on here are so supportive (round of applause for Wisey!) and my RL friends and family have been amazing.

Yesterday spoke to BIL, he saw STBXH for a beer at the weekend. STBXH said nothing about a divorce pending, and the impression BIL got was that we may well reconcile!! After I picked myself up of the floor, after collapsing in hysterical laughter, I soon put BIL right! He was gobsmacked - he really had no idea from STBXH that this was the case!

Take care

Just a post to tell you what happened to my friend. Her background story a bit like yours married 23 years, H has affair, goes off moves in with OW is vile to wife, who sues for divorce, H drags his feet.
They Divorce....all over bar the financial settlement.
I went with her to the Court the day of the financial settlement. Lawyers had difficulty coming to agreement.

His lawyer then appears and says "this is a bit strange but Mr M has said he is adamant he wants a reconciliation"

When the full financial reality of his actions hit home he suddenly decided that he really loved his wife!!!!

She however by that stage had decided otherwise

Stay strong LadiesX