After 22 years he wants out: How do me and kids cope with this?

[Saffysmum]

Got married 22 years ago - thought it was for keeps.

After 4 kids - now teenagers, he's decided that he no longer loves me and he needs to move on.

Last year he told me that his feelings had changed. I was gobsmacked. He insisted that there was no OW. He said he no longer loved me. I told him to leave, but he than backed down, said we needed to get "reconnected". He made no attempts to do this. We both work hard and long hours although he earns 4 times more than me (I work a couple of nights a week as a Mental Health Nurse).

I didn't work at all whilst bring up 4 kids ( born within 5 years of each other). I went back to work part time when youngest started high school.

My darling younger sis was diagnosed with cancer late last year - and sadly a couple of months ago lost her fight. It didn't bring us closer, he offered no support at all to me. My elderly parents were naturally devastated. He somehow made it all about him, IFYSYIM. He "grieved" alone, like it affected him more than me.

Anyway, two weeks ago, he said that he needed to move out. That he no longer loved me and that my sister's death had made him realise that he had to live his life as he wanted to. I have been reeling from this.

He said that he hopes we can remain friends for the kids sake.

The kids are all teenagers btw, eldest DS has A levels looming, whilst younger daughter has GCSEs in a couple of months. They know nothing of this.

I cannot forgive him - he is like a stranger to me. If I didn't have the kids then I would have thrown him out two weeks ago. I feel absolute contempt.

My parents are still grieving, and they think he is wonderful. Everyone thinks he is.

I think he is going through a mid life crisis - he is obsessed with his appearance, his weight - is constantly working out or running. If I wasn't so gutted I would laugh at him. He is sadly turning into the sad old git we all scoffed at in the nightclubs years ago.

He said it will take him a couple of months to find somewhere else to live - and that by then eldest two will have taken exams.

I want him out now-but also realise that all kids will be devastasted - and that older two need to take exams which are stressful without the added stress of coping with us breaking up.

I have always, and always will put the kids first. I will fight tooth and nail to get them what they deserve. How do I cope with this though?

He's lonely, he misses his kids, and this whole thing is not going as he envisioned. Oh, dear!

yes, boo fecking hoo, eh ?

saffy, your sis sounds wonderful, I am very sorry she is no longer with you (physically, that is)

Saffy, you are doing so well. Your children sound wonderful - a credit to you x

Saffy - I have just read your whole thread (only your posts and one or two replies).... I was shouting 'throw him out NOW'.... then you had!!

Your kids are amazing!! They clearly take after you!!

Have you told your youngest that this is permanent yet? Originally you told him it was for a little while, until he knows it's permanent he's going to keep wanting his Dad to come back, at least once he knows it's permanent he can start to deal with that :( He will be fine, he has you and his lovely big brother & sisters.

As for your STBXH - I hope that one day he does realise what he's lost. Sadly I don't think he will ever realise just how much he has hurt you and the children. Selfish bastards rarely do.

Thanks.

HansieMom: He definitely misses the kids - well he has only himself to blame, as AF says, boo fecking hoo!

AF - my sister was wonderful - now she's my angel watching over us - she will always be with me. Our maternal grandmother (died years ago, but I miss her every day) was our inspiration. A strong lady who had endured so much. I had a vivid dream about her last night. It was me and her about 20 years ago, when my uncle had left my aunt for another woman. We were talking about how he would probably come crawling back with his tail between his legs. I said to her, "should she take him back? Would you nan?" And she said, "I wouldn't have him back if his arse was stuffed with gold". I'd forgotten this, until my dream. I woke up thinking "thanks nan" !!

Thank you Karma - I have wonderful kids, they are my world. Thanks.

Chipping in:Thank you - I have told youngest that dad won't be coming back, but constantly reiterated that he will always be his dad, and always be there for him. He seems ok. Big bro is taking care of him - has taken him bowling tonight! Big bro has been amazing - they all have.

I don't know if H will ever, as you say, know what he's lost. The sad thing is that I don't think he ever realised what he had. If he did, he'd be here and none of this would have happened. His loss, but incredibly sad.

Thanks all - I know I keep saying this - but you have all been a wonderful support and comfort to me.

XX

Saffy

Misses the kids... really? It's not like he did much for/with them when he was there!

I like your Nan

It is sad when you know it could have been good if only they'd appreciated what they had at the time. It's very sad so many relationships go this way, there's nothing wrong except lack of appreciation for what you have [puts guilty hand up].

Oh - that's going to sound like I did what your H did. I didn't!! I just didn't appreciate someone I had until it was too late and we'd both neglected each other until it was beyond repair :(

Hey Saffysmum

I can only echo "don't forget the lurkers too, who will be gaining strength from reading how things can be done out of such a shitty situation" and i didn't say that myself but how true! (and i am in awe of the way you have handled everything).

You have done everything so well and so right for you and your DC's.

It will feel wobbly sometimes, but keep hold of your conviction that this is the right thing (and you know this anyway) and you will gain so much.

You are a credit to yourself and your DC's and he is the sad loser - but that is already apparent too. Keep at it. and hugs

Hi Saffy'smum- have only just read through your thread tonight and it sounds as though you are doing brilliantly. And your children are amazing, no wonder you are proud of them. Top marks to DS1 for moving his father's stuff to the garage, and for looking out for his siblings. Not sure whether you've said how old he is, but he's much more of a man than his father is capable of being right now.

Might it be worth looking into some counselling, so that your daughters can discuss their feelings about what they saw on the computers? It seems as though they were distressed by it, but they perhaps don't want to upset you further by discussing it any further with you. I don't know whether raising this via school/GP might flag it as a child protection issue though, which is probably not the route they and you want to to go down, but other posters might have better suggestions about how they can work through their feelings with a neutral counsellor.

I suspect that when your H was hovering about when he came to your house the other day, he was hoping that somebody might plead with him to stay. I don't think he was expecting the "don't let the door bang your arse on the way out" reaction that he actually got.

Your nan sounds brilliant, it's lovely that you are able to take inspiration now from the time you had with her.

Thanks for your messages since I last posted, support on here has been a godsend.

Inertia: Eldest son is 18 - finishes A Levels soon, then off to Uni - wants to be an English Teacher. Girls - eldest 16, then one 15, and youngest son 13. All are brilliant!! (Yes, I'm their mum so I'm biased but they are!)

H popped round again last night to collect some stuff. I was watching TV and heard him try to get his key in the front door - but I'd locked it from the inside and left the key in - it was great him ringing the bell and waiting on the doorstep, like the Avon lady! Petty I know, but I enjoyed it. And it took me sooo long to get to the door to open it - funny that! Anyway he popped in, grabbed a few bits and went out again. Girls upstairs, DSs out - only I know he was here. I ignored him completely. What a stupid man.

Anyway, have a good day everyone.
X

Saffy

Next time, tell him to take all of his stuff - tell him you don't want him in & out of the house as if he still lived here!

Avon calling............

Hi

Just an update - then a few questions (any advice very gratefully received).

Kids and me are fine. That's the important stuff. Eldest son has deleted dad from his mobile, and wants no contact with him at all. I don't know if this will change - and have told him that it's up to him. He is studying hard for A Levels, and when he's not he's enjoying time with his lovely girlfriend, and supporting me (and he's been brilliant).

Eldest daughter (who found the porn) has sent a few responses to the many texts she gets from dad, but doesn't want to see him.

Younger daughter spent a few hours with him today, and seems ok. First time she's seen him properly since the split, and is fine.

Youngest son is OK. His Head of Year rang me upon receipt of the letter I sent to the school, and said he has emailed his tutors, and has kept a close eye on him - and he seems ok. He spent a few hours with STBXH yesterday, and was ok when he got home.

We have all had a relaxed lovely day, and I'm cooking about 9 of us a roast for later.

My parents are ok - mum says she wants to kill him for what he's done, but I guess she's working through her anger, etc.

I'm good too - so many people have said that that I seem as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and they're right.

X has left B&B and is renting a room in a huge house about a mile away from here. He has a new mobile, and texted all the kids his new number, which eldest son promptly deleted. I don't have, or want, the new number.

SO - I am seeing a recommended "shit hot" lawyer on Wed. She has sent me a lot of paperwork, which I have filled in and returned, so "we can get down to business" without filling in forms on Wed. She has told me what to take in - so I'm good to go.

What I want to know, is have I grounds for unreasonable behaviour? Like so many of you wise mumsnetters, I think there is OW. But I have no proof. So do I go for UB? If so, do I mention the porn stuff my daughter found (which really was the final straw?) I hate to think that if this turns nasty, she might have to testify....just me doing my protective mums thing, but it is worrying me.

Also, how quickly can sol. serve papers?

Thanks everyone in advance.

I'm cooking about 9 of us a roast for later why - do you have Giants coming for dinner at yours??

LOL Chipping! And me with a BA hons in Lit. Syntax was never my strong point! "I am cooking a roast dinner for about 9 people". Is that ok? LOL

Good news that the kids all seem to be handling it OK in their own ways.

I think you should have the new number just in case of an emergency with one of the kids - you would want to tell him if one of them had to go to hospital or something wouldn't you?

Shit hot lawyer is great news :) and it's fab she's so onto it already with the paperwork etc and not wasting your time together on that.

I don't know if you have legal grounds for 'unreasonable behaviour' - but she will know, that's why you are going to see her. Tell her everything... let her guide you on the best way forward.

They seem to be able to serve them pretty much straight away if they know where they are (take a photo of him with you >>>> and not one you have drawn all over!!).

Oh - that's not quite so interesting, but I'm quite pleased you wont be part of tomorrow nights 'cold meat & chips' dinner

Hi Chipping - I have his address and will take a photo with me in case. Thanks for that.

Things have moved on...younger daughter (who just spent the day with him, and said all was ok) just told me, (after the roast dinner!) that he said, on the way to dropping her off, "would you like to see where I'm living". She said, she didn't care - so as it was on the way to ours, he drove into the drive of his new home. He then asked her if she wanted to come in and meet the lovely people he now lived with. She said, no. He said, ok, and drove her home.

She's just gone mad about him - "how dare he think that I would want to meet the new people he lives with", sort of stuff. Me and ES told her that she did the right thing, and that she must do what she wants to do, at her speed, in her own time. Then she went upstairs, 10 minutes later returned, and showed me and eldest bro her text: telling her dad that she needed space, that she couldn't believe that he had thought for one moment that she would want to meet these people, these people that he know called lovely. Yes, she knew mum threw him out - but only because he had pushed her too far. Then she added that watching teen porn was disgusting, and that she had seen this on his I Phone in Malta two years ago (when she was 13). She said that was why her older sis wanted nothing to do with him. She added, (for good measure) that they were all disgusted that he hadn't put him arm around me at my sister's/their aunts funeral. Then she said you're having the worst mid life crisis ever, or you're seeing some one else.

This was an hour ago, and he hasn't responded.

I told her that she must do whatever she feels comfortable with - if she needs space, then that's good. But she's fuming. She said how could he ask me to see his new home - when his real home and family are here?

What do I do to help her?

Jesus christ kiddo you have amazing kids... I love each and every one of them!!! They are a total credit to YOU.

What do you do to help her. I honestly don't think there is much you can or need to do. She's pretty much got a handle on it! You can't take the pain away, all you can do it keep doing what you are doing and empowering her to do what she feels is right. Amazing kid, she really is.

The one thing I would do, when she has calmed down a bit, would be to explain that his home is not and will never be, with you again.

Thanks Chipping - you have no idea how much it helps to hear that people think my kids are great. I KNOW they are, but having this endorsed is lovely and really boosts me.

She herself has said that she never wants him here again - I think she was talking retrospectively if you see what I mean. From her perspective, she's seen her dad leave, no, he actually crept out, (less than two weeks ago) and then she's had him asking her if she wants to meet the people he now calls lovely, and lives with. So, in her head, she's thinking, but you lived with lovely people and ME and now you're asking ME to meet these strangers? It is unbelievable.

It does make me wonder WTF is going on in that stupid head of his. He has never said sorry (apart from a half hearted text) to the kids. It is as if he is on another planet, where everything revolves around him.

How awful! Poor dd. Agree with the others that all the kids sound amazing.

Congrats about being a size 12 again!

Ex-h really needs to sort himself out, idiot.

Your eldest ds reminds me of my dh (met him when we were 18), his dad left and he really stood up for his mum and family. Was and is more of a man than his dad could ever be. Sadly his mum died soon afterwards (illness none of them knew about), at which point he kind of forgave his dad because he only had one parent left and was scared of losing him too. But some of the anger towards his dad remained and got buried and came out big-style 10 years later in the run-up to our wedding, getting married kind of triggered it.

Hope the lawyer lives up to her reputation!

I think it's good that the kids are telling him how they feel - isn't good to bury this stuff (have seen the long-term effects of this on dh), and some things need to be said at the time, or the moment passes and it can become socially unacceptable to vent / tell the person how angry you are and why, and the wronged person is stuck with the anger.

Maybe in his screwed up head he thinks that she is worried about him and would be happy to know he's living with nice people, in a nice house... fuckwit.

I think a lot of men people don't understand how devastating it is for teenagers. All of your children, but especially the girls, will find it very hard to trust their boyfriends (girlfriends) - if your Dad can do this, any man can :(

I think it's amazing that your kids have had the balls to speak to their Dad like that - you have brought them up well, they have been respectful towards him, but haven't shied away from being frank with him.

Really pleased that you are seeing the lawyer. Agree that you should tell her everything, because she can only represent you properly if she has all the facts.

You and your DC are coping with all this so well and it must be so difficult for you all.