After 22 years he wants out: How do me and kids cope with this?

[Saffysmum]

Got married 22 years ago - thought it was for keeps.

After 4 kids - now teenagers, he's decided that he no longer loves me and he needs to move on.

Last year he told me that his feelings had changed. I was gobsmacked. He insisted that there was no OW. He said he no longer loved me. I told him to leave, but he than backed down, said we needed to get "reconnected". He made no attempts to do this. We both work hard and long hours although he earns 4 times more than me (I work a couple of nights a week as a Mental Health Nurse).

I didn't work at all whilst bring up 4 kids ( born within 5 years of each other). I went back to work part time when youngest started high school.

My darling younger sis was diagnosed with cancer late last year - and sadly a couple of months ago lost her fight. It didn't bring us closer, he offered no support at all to me. My elderly parents were naturally devastated. He somehow made it all about him, IFYSYIM. He "grieved" alone, like it affected him more than me.

Anyway, two weeks ago, he said that he needed to move out. That he no longer loved me and that my sister's death had made him realise that he had to live his life as he wanted to. I have been reeling from this.

He said that he hopes we can remain friends for the kids sake.

The kids are all teenagers btw, eldest DS has A levels looming, whilst younger daughter has GCSEs in a couple of months. They know nothing of this.

I cannot forgive him - he is like a stranger to me. If I didn't have the kids then I would have thrown him out two weeks ago. I feel absolute contempt.

My parents are still grieving, and they think he is wonderful. Everyone thinks he is.

I think he is going through a mid life crisis - he is obsessed with his appearance, his weight - is constantly working out or running. If I wasn't so gutted I would laugh at him. He is sadly turning into the sad old git we all scoffed at in the nightclubs years ago.

He said it will take him a couple of months to find somewhere else to live - and that by then eldest two will have taken exams.

I want him out now-but also realise that all kids will be devastasted - and that older two need to take exams which are stressful without the added stress of coping with us breaking up.

I have always, and always will put the kids first. I will fight tooth and nail to get them what they deserve. How do I cope with this though?

I think you deserve large pat on back and congrats too for holding family together and enabling him to do his best at his exams. One DC launched into big wide world with the benefit of a solid upbringing by his mum who has enabled him to have maturity to know who puts him first in his life.
Sod Cameron et al for attacking single parents, you and he are brill.
Toss coins for big bedroom or arrange a friendly pillow fight ...

Wonderful news Saffy and Catsrus.

What great news, congratulations, good on him (and you)!

Bet visiting him for the odd meal out, sightseeing etc will be fun once he's settled in. I went to uni about 60 miles away from home and it was ideal, far enough away to feel independent, but cheap and quick to get back home to see family and friends.

Well I'll go to the foot of our stairs!!!

What blinding news! Well done to ES and what an achievement, Cambridge eh?

So, so pleased for you and your ES. This is surely something big to celebrate, what better way for you to hold your chin up and thrust, yes thrust your tits out than this.

Stars, all of you. Well done

Fabulous news Saffysmum, you too catsrus!

Actually, I guess technically that should be congrats to your DCs. ;)

Congratulations to proud ES and proud Saff on CAMBRIDGE.

What an example to the world you set. ES did the work but you, Saff, were the tower of strength that provided the environment to give him the peace of mind to do that work. xx

Bloody hell saffy - I have a manic weekend and few days at work and your life stories and escapades have spawned enough material for at least 6 months of corrie/ eastenders !! OW welcome to LM scraps and stuff IMO - you are well rid of who he is now ( and it does make sense of other thngs doesnt it) - my god you are a class act saffy and as I said on the other thread I want to be like you when I grow up ( gave up on the marrying as WUW and AF at the front of the queue!!) Your son is clearly a product of his mums good genes and he has done fantastically well - you must be bursting with pride. How lucky you are to have the love that surrounds you and how lucky they all are to have your love - Twunty LM left out in siberia whilst you all glow is how I see it xxxxxxxxxxx Long may you reign queen saffy xx

I am another who has just read this thread in awe.

Saffy your strength is inspiring.

whilst reading it however, i couldn't help but wonder what kind of posts Mr Twunt might be making if he had an equivalent "mumsnet" forum to post on. I was thinking perhaps www.dadsnet.com however clearly that is not appropriate given number of good dads out there so i therefore thought he probably posts on www.pricksnet.com

would love to know what he would post.......

suggestions....

first post i am a magnificent beast. behold me as i thrust my flag into the land of manliness and wonder

lastest post i'm a squeaky little cunt with a flag of made of pants. simper

ps i've had a couple of glasses of wine so if this is spectacularly unfunny ( as the cold light of day often reveals) please excuse me.

ps massive congrats to your ES - an amazing achievement.

Splendid news about your ES. Bloody good for him.

Thank you for your kind posts

Happygomummy - love the suggestions, yes there should definitely be a "Twuntnet" forum, where he could post all his "all I've done for her" woes.

Arf at Twuntnet.

PTM would post as 'how do I get my Tuesday sock back from Wisey, life isn't the same without it'

hahahahha couldnt resist Twuntnet posts from my ex PS3_Man...

5 weeks ago " I am entitled to more sex "

today "sex on my own in this green ( now brown) grass is crap < stamps toddler like foot> I want to go home now"

ahhhhh thanks feel better now x

Hi Saffys Mum,
Read your entire thread yesterday, you had me in tears of sadness & laughter. You are an inspiration (am currently there - 24 years,1DS, bitch of an OW, how do I cope?!) but just the humour and strength that came out of your thread has really given me a positive boost.
The advice from your posters and the general support is so great, we women really have to take some shit but boy we stick together!!
Keep strong, Your DCs are a credit to you!!!

Have glorious Twuntnet post for LM a la guardian crossword anagram:

Yesterday I looked like Saffy's David Tenant. Today I look like T' Tanned Diva!

Arf at own humour

Good luck with your first day in the new job tomorrow Saff, hope it goes really well.

Hi Wisey - thanks! Actually started Friday - worked Friday night and last night, so been sleeping during the day, and busy with kids etc., rest of time.

It's going well, being a Psych Nurse on A&E is very different to working in the MH Unit. But I did my training at the University Hospital I'm in now, and it's huge, but at least it's not too unfamiliar. Friday night was ok, last night was incredibly busy, didn't get a proper break in 12 hours, so absolutely knackered. Came home to find out that our gorgeous, misunderstood tom cat (who already has an ASBO) had beaten up the local "princess" big time - tom cat snoozing on the sofa, not a mark on him, and "princess" at vet's having his claw removed from her head! And her owner wants to see me about costs -yeah, right!

Thanks to everyone else for their lovely supportive messages. X

Work sounds full-on! Hope you get lots of sleep.

Naughty cat, maybe you could point the other cat's owner in stbxh direction!

Job sounds great! Nothing like something really full on to get your mind focussed on other things. I am finding that for sure.

Take care and enjoy it!

(above msg to self too.. )

Cats fight. the only way to prevent it is for your neighbour to not let their cat out. Can't believe they really think you are going to contribute towards their vets bills. How do they even know it was your cat that did it?

I must be really naive because I am constantly astounded by the cheek of some people.

Karma - it was definitely Otis - he's the neighbourhood thug, and always in trouble. ES was an eye witness, and the noise was incredible and woke him up, he went outside and there he was, our huge black thug, beating the living day lights out of the Persian Princess. In her garden. He just thinks he owns all the neighbourhood. We frequently have to go and get him from neighbour's drives, as he sits outside cat flaps (like a bouncer), and won't let the resident cat in or out. And he hisses at the owners, me and the kids are the only people he loves - he's like a big soft teddy bear with us. And PP returned from the vets after having an inbedded claw removed from her head. And guess who's got a claw missing?

But neighbour just grumbled and nodded when I saw her earlier, hasn't mentioned the bill again. Twunt can pay it if she does. And I love Otis - when Twunt parks in the drive to pick up the kids, he always pees up his car.

Ahh, even your SHL would have a hard time claiming your cat is innocent then.

PMSL at the thought of him peeing up your ex's car.

Saffy,

Just back from family hols. I'm so thrilled for you - your DS's results are amazing and huge congratulations to you and your family on his success. Its a life-changing achievement. You must be bursting with pride.

Good Luck with your new job. I like the sound of it - challenging but with lovely colleagues. If you really enjoy your work, the other things in your life at the moment will always feel less stressful. You will have so many other positive things on your mind.

LM still seems to be playing the B*ard game and its amusing to read how your DCs are dealing with him. They are almost playing with him. He has lost so much from his life. You wonder when he'll wake up and realise this.

Sorry to hear about the cat story. Our dog is the sweetest thing in the house and with the family, but is the opposite when he's out and about. He's just sensitive... honest!

Have just found this thread massive congratulations to ds for his results , well done

We've got two ragdoll cats, they're babies still and live indoors but they're huge. When they fight upstairs in their my bedroom it sounds like a herd of elephants. But they're lovely and cuddly and behave more like puppies than cats. PTM used to hate them, the female took to peeing on his side of the bed when she was tiny - she must have sensed he was up to no good, coz she's never done it since he went, clever girl