After 22 years he wants out: How do me and kids cope with this?

[Saffysmum]

Got married 22 years ago - thought it was for keeps.

After 4 kids - now teenagers, he's decided that he no longer loves me and he needs to move on.

Last year he told me that his feelings had changed. I was gobsmacked. He insisted that there was no OW. He said he no longer loved me. I told him to leave, but he than backed down, said we needed to get "reconnected". He made no attempts to do this. We both work hard and long hours although he earns 4 times more than me (I work a couple of nights a week as a Mental Health Nurse).

I didn't work at all whilst bring up 4 kids ( born within 5 years of each other). I went back to work part time when youngest started high school.

My darling younger sis was diagnosed with cancer late last year - and sadly a couple of months ago lost her fight. It didn't bring us closer, he offered no support at all to me. My elderly parents were naturally devastated. He somehow made it all about him, IFYSYIM. He "grieved" alone, like it affected him more than me.

Anyway, two weeks ago, he said that he needed to move out. That he no longer loved me and that my sister's death had made him realise that he had to live his life as he wanted to. I have been reeling from this.

He said that he hopes we can remain friends for the kids sake.

The kids are all teenagers btw, eldest DS has A levels looming, whilst younger daughter has GCSEs in a couple of months. They know nothing of this.

I cannot forgive him - he is like a stranger to me. If I didn't have the kids then I would have thrown him out two weeks ago. I feel absolute contempt.

My parents are still grieving, and they think he is wonderful. Everyone thinks he is.

I think he is going through a mid life crisis - he is obsessed with his appearance, his weight - is constantly working out or running. If I wasn't so gutted I would laugh at him. He is sadly turning into the sad old git we all scoffed at in the nightclubs years ago.

He said it will take him a couple of months to find somewhere else to live - and that by then eldest two will have taken exams.

I want him out now-but also realise that all kids will be devastasted - and that older two need to take exams which are stressful without the added stress of coping with us breaking up.

I have always, and always will put the kids first. I will fight tooth and nail to get them what they deserve. How do I cope with this though?

Hi Saff. Your new job sounds seriously challenging - good luck to you in your first full week. xx

Saff - just wanted to add my voice to all of those saying how amazing you and your fabulous kids are.

Been following this thread for ages, and also want to add my congrats to your DS, and say a big 'you're fab' to you xxxxx
stupid twunts

Saffy

WOW! Well done you and DS. I've not checked in here for a while so reading your news has really made me smile.

You have worked so very hard to keep your family together, well done you. I hope that you can look at your DCs and know in your heart that YOU are their constant, YOU are there for them no matter what.

Massive hugs to you xx

Saff it has been suggested that your DS and my DD may be a match made on MN - she has stunning GCSE results!!!!!

Can you wear the hat though? I don't look good in hats, I resemble Sideshow Bob if I don a titfer........

Massive congrats to your ES! LOL at your beloved cat peeing up stbxh's car - that made me really chuckle! I fear if your cat were round our way, my cat would be his girlfriend - she's a a great big scaredy cat but would still invite your cat in to eat all her food, and she'd just sit there and watch him! Good luck with your job too, it sounds great if a "little" knackering! Keep smiling, you really are an inspiration xx

Hi

Thank you all so much for your supportive and lovely messages since I last posted - you have no idea how much they mean to me - they really lift me up.

Wisey LOL at Sideshow Bob - I'm ok with hats - I often "do" the Stevie Nicks look - but it has to be the right hat of course, and poor lighting.

Yes - have texted ES and told him to dump gorgeous GF of 2 years, because we have a MN match made in heaven. Like all my texts to him, he will ignore, or humour me, or ask me for my credit card no.

Right - down to business.

SHL emailed me earlier.

Twunt hasn't responded to recent correspondence, she has today issued court petition.

She was then informed this afternoon, that Twunt has a new solicitor, and the new solicitor would like a week's grace to catch up with proceedings.

SHL has responded that if she was handling Twunt's affairs she could catch up in hours rather than days, and that she was not going to retract court petition.

Game on Twunt.

Woo hooo to SHL!

I am wondering what the next phase will be for me when ABCKF returns from overseas.

Saffy you sound cool and detached. Mucho impressed!

trying to absorb via screen Saffy's amazing qualities

We do all like SHL.

Hope work going well.

Drfayray, you too have lots of great qualities, you can handle it!

Hang on, he has a new solicitor? So he's not using the one he's shagging anymore? How come?

Maybe Saffy isn't the only one who found out.

I don't know why he has a new sol! I just hope the new one gets on with things, and I can finally get free of him! X

"game on twunt"

Catching up here.

Well, well, well. So he's got a new sol. I hope she/he gets on with it but i also hope (and as you've chosen so well, fully expect) your SHL runs rings around them too.

I believe that what goes around comes around and Twunt is getting his, in spades. You, on the other hand, are brilliant, and he's lost much more than he can ever hope to gain from twuntiness of the highest order .

Bloody good for you Saff. Now, must get on with the day.....

You are doing so well!!! A complete and utter inspiration for others in the same boat (not to mention your wonderful DC) - need to harness some of that fearless spirit! .

Hope all is going well in new job. And good on the SHL......why should you sit back and take up the slack whilst his mob play catch-up...???!! Seriously hope that your ex is getting a big old fat dose of realisation that the grass aint all that green where he is now - not that you will care. Keep going my dear!

Dx

Met any fit paramedics yet?

Any nice FY2's?

Consultants?

You gotta have a fantasy life Saff, even if it's just a dreeeeeammmm!!!!

Don't you just love August and beating getting the FY1's into shape.
I must be getting old as they now all look young enough to be my kids (then again I do work in Great Yarmouth so that wouldn't be unusual.....)

Thanks for your messages - I've been very busy and worked the last two nights so am v tired.

Have met some lovely new colleagues but no one has really grabbed my attention! (Not looking though - thought terrifies me!)

The FY1's - aah yes, they're great aren't they Vole? One commented on the way I set up a drip Saturday night - he got the icy stare which froze him solid. Another one is very sweet though. The way they creep round and try to impress our consultant is cringeworthy. Job is very full on - Saturday night's are unbelievable, but am enjoying the pace and buzz of it all.

Meanwhile, Twunt has taken to popping round a lot, saying he needs to see kids/sort out YS computer etc. And he's sending me texts, which I ignore, wishing me luck in the job, asking me if I'm ok.....silly sod. I ignore them all.

ES and GF due back from a very muddy Reading Fest later - so have to super charge up the washing machine and cook a huge hot meal. Can't wait to have him home.

Oo-er Saff. Sounds like Twunt could be having an oo-er moment.

Shoot him an icy stare.

I have to say I do agree with Wisey. Do you think he wants to ditch his lycra and come back now he's realised OW is a shit solicitor or is he just buttering you up ahead of the financial arguments?

Haven't a clue B&A, just haven't a clue.

He spent Bank Hol Mon with OW - aka SSLS (stupid shit lawyer slut) in her home town. He was chatting to DD on the phone and told her that he'd been horse riding (ha, ha, ha, - just the image is enough to have me reaching for a pack of tena's). Anyway, DD kept pushing him as to who he went with, and he said SSLS's first name and DD said is she your girlfriend then? And he said, "Oh god no, she's just a friend" - usual rubbish.

Twunt on a horse. In Lycra. Kept a grin on my face all night.

Off to bed, just home after a gruelling night shift.

Catch up later - yes Wisey - the icy stare is on stand by.

Maybe he even has jodhpurs (?) for riding, urgh!

Think you should practice a pitying stare too.

Why is he still lying to the DC? Grrr. Stupid.

Sleep well!

I'm sure your DD is thrilled she's got such a cool Dad.

By way of consolation, he would have had a terrible pain in the arse yesterday (how appropriate, you might think).

Ah, horse riding. All part of the 'this is the new me and my fabulous new lifestyle'. PTM's is canoeing.

Said it before. Pre-dic-ta-ble.