After 22 years he wants out: How do me and kids cope with this?

[Saffysmum]

Got married 22 years ago - thought it was for keeps.

After 4 kids - now teenagers, he's decided that he no longer loves me and he needs to move on.

Last year he told me that his feelings had changed. I was gobsmacked. He insisted that there was no OW. He said he no longer loved me. I told him to leave, but he than backed down, said we needed to get "reconnected". He made no attempts to do this. We both work hard and long hours although he earns 4 times more than me (I work a couple of nights a week as a Mental Health Nurse).

I didn't work at all whilst bring up 4 kids ( born within 5 years of each other). I went back to work part time when youngest started high school.

My darling younger sis was diagnosed with cancer late last year - and sadly a couple of months ago lost her fight. It didn't bring us closer, he offered no support at all to me. My elderly parents were naturally devastated. He somehow made it all about him, IFYSYIM. He "grieved" alone, like it affected him more than me.

Anyway, two weeks ago, he said that he needed to move out. That he no longer loved me and that my sister's death had made him realise that he had to live his life as he wanted to. I have been reeling from this.

He said that he hopes we can remain friends for the kids sake.

The kids are all teenagers btw, eldest DS has A levels looming, whilst younger daughter has GCSEs in a couple of months. They know nothing of this.

I cannot forgive him - he is like a stranger to me. If I didn't have the kids then I would have thrown him out two weeks ago. I feel absolute contempt.

My parents are still grieving, and they think he is wonderful. Everyone thinks he is.

I think he is going through a mid life crisis - he is obsessed with his appearance, his weight - is constantly working out or running. If I wasn't so gutted I would laugh at him. He is sadly turning into the sad old git we all scoffed at in the nightclubs years ago.

He said it will take him a couple of months to find somewhere else to live - and that by then eldest two will have taken exams.

I want him out now-but also realise that all kids will be devastasted - and that older two need to take exams which are stressful without the added stress of coping with us breaking up.

I have always, and always will put the kids first. I will fight tooth and nail to get them what they deserve. How do I cope with this though?

I have just read this thread tonight (8 hours behind) and I have got to say you are bloody amazing! The barrister inquisition about the dumping of the stuff is inspired. Hope you and your amazing kids have a fantastic weekend as you deserve to.

SSL and LM vs SHL, Saff, BIL, DS, MN community, RL friends and family.....

equals - NO BRAINER!!!!!

Wow - all the lovely messages, thank you I'm really touched by your support.

I also have an ickle bit of a hangover.

Let's see what today brings then - he's supposed to be picking YS and DDs up this afternoon to take them out for a couple of hours.

Thanks again.

And AF - I luff you too!

ok..we want a detailed description of the look on his stupid arrogant face!

Dumb innocence is the way to go. "Who, me? I wasn't even there."

Hey Saffy hope it's raining in his neck of the woods and the pile was too high to bring in last night. Bet he is moaning about the kaky pants as much as the guitar. "Bloody ***, she's damaged my prize guitar, but she couldn't even be bothered to wash my underwear!"
PS I recommended your thread to someone else on here who'd just split up.
I reckon you and Wised up should put together the definitive MN guide on how to move on and move up. I know there is real heartache there but it's so great to see you both coming out the other side.

Have deleted 14 unread texts from Twunt, and have had 4 missed calls on mobile.

Landline just rang: Thought it was my mum - she usually rings for a natter on a Saturday morning.

It was Twunt calling.

Oh, dear, he's not a happy little bunny this morning.

Twunt: "Saffy - it's me. Thank you very much for delivering my stuff, although a little notice would have been useful so that I could arrange storage. As it was, we managed to put everything in the garage, so no harm done."

(Saffys stays silent but wishes he'd talk a bit quieter, as the wine and Bailey's from last night is still sloshing around in her tum tum).

Twunt: "Are you there? - god you're exasperating - anyway, I'll pick the kids up at 3.00 and feed them later, ok?"

Saffy: "Fine".

Twunt hangs up. Saffy hangs up.

(Twunt probably goes off to buy some Ariel bio, and Saffy runs to her little notebook to tell you all about it).

He's very cross indeed. Goes and sits on naughty step. And BIL is still in the spare bed, sleeping off his hangover.

Interesting that he said we have to find somewhere to put it!

Saffysmum you are an inspiration ,have you thought about writing seriously ?

I'm glad the guitar didn't get damaged. Not because he doesn't deserve to have his stuff pulped, but because nice things should not be spoiled, just because they're, you know, nice. Someone more deserving, perhaps even a human being, may get that guitar in years to come and love it dearly. However I'm also glad it put him to some inconvenience. A lesser person than your magnificent self would have been tempted to tell him precisely where he could put his stuff, which would not have been the garage; but actually silence was probably the best response (even if it was because you couldn't speak rather than that you wouldn't).

Annie such inspiration. perhaps even a human being, may get that guitar in years to come.

MInd, now he's got it back he can shit sit and play the blues

in G sharp.
"ma woman gone done me wrong, uh huh huh
Ohhh, ma woman she gone done me wrong (yeah she did)
well she drinkin' like a camel, and she
she showin' me she real done gone (oh lordy she gone!)

Happy to sing that in court to LM if you like.

BTW I have finished the scarf and DD says it looks like it came from Topshop!

So, bought some more wool in different grade and colours and started another.

i love knitting I do.

You are funny Annie and Wisey - poor old guitar - sure it survived a few hours as a flag pole - and they did balance it carefully!

Wisey - yes you can certainly sing that in Court - love it.

He's taken the kids out, shopping then Pizza Hut. I stayed upstairs when he picked them up, heard him talking ok to BIL, then they left. BIL and his crew have finished the attic - plasterers in soon. Spent the afternoon quietly clearing up after all the carnage - I mean builders mess - and sorted out some stuff in the garage, now I can finally get in there!

The attic room btw, is for BIL's DD (my niece) so that she can stay with us more often and have her own space here - taking her out next week to choose her furniture/colour schemes - am so excited! So is she - misses her mum like mad so it'll be nice to be with her mad Aunty Saff more (well, I hope so!).

Anyway, off to cook myself some dinner - strange cooking just for one - but nice too, then a bottle of wine and the knitting, and MN of course!

Glad you're pleased with your scarf Wisey - next step - wrap or shawl. I shall help if I can.

Mrs W - I thought it odd about him saying "we" too - but then I thought maybe he meant his housemates - may have meant SLLSL (stupid low life shitty lawyer) - who cares. Thanks for saying you've enjoyed reading the recent posts - I can honestly say that typing them, and reading everyone's responses got me through what could have been a difficult couple of days.

I love handknitted scarfs < hint hint >

And I love dippy hippy poncho's Almost as much as I love this thread and that of Wiseys!

You are ACE Saffy! You ROCK!

AF - as Saff is already my betrothed she will be knitting my poncho first.

Yes, you will all get a pressie - when I have finished the 13 orders I have to get ready for Christmas (no pressure there then). But Wisey is first in the queue cos we are gonna get married. Cos Wisey said so. So that's that then.

Kids are back from Pizza Hut. Twunt seemed "ok" said eldest DD. Twunt seemed "weird" said Youngest DD. Twunt seemed "well, he's just dad".... said YS.

I never quiz the kids. I made that decision from the start. They would never be a weapon between us. Their relationships with him are their own business - they're all teenagers, the girls in particular are growing up fast.

So I just act neutral, say things like "that's nice" etc.

So DD2 just said, "dad kept asking about you. Kept asking how you were and were you happy and what were you up to".

'Really" say I, knitting away, with one eye on the National Lottery. "Yes, he kept going on and on about what you. I told him that you had lost loads of weight, looked 10 years younger, got a promotion at work, and you were seeing lots and lots of friends. And going to lots of parties."

"Oh right" says I, whilst K1, P1, K2, P2 etc,. and checking the Thunderball at the same time (why do I always get the bloody Thunderball and no other numbers - story of my life).

"So was that ok, mum? What I said".

"Yes love", says I smiling behind my knitting. "That was just fine"

Saff - your kids a brilliant! :o Of course you already know that!

Now now, let's not bicker over knitwear!

What restraint on the phone, saffy.

Making space for your DN is a lovely thing to do.

Your DCs are so cool!

Well, we could all be bridesmaids and wear dippy hippy poncho's and matching scarves. Would look grand in the photo's that would!

And yes, your DC's are fab!

Saffy always knew there was an OW, what a wanker!!
Just been catching up on your thread, and had such a laugh, you sound like your doing so well, I am in awe of you, I wish I had been as strong as you.
Onward and upwards lovely, enjoy your knitting and sending you hugs. xx

I have a mental picture of SLLSL gingerly holding smeggy boxers between thumb and forefinger, while the passion drains from her face as fast as her rain soaked mascara.

Saffy you are genius.

Just read the whole thread Saffy. Am in awe at how this thread has progressed. You and your dcs are fantastic! Loving your last post, but can I ask if you are sitting in a rocking chair too? I have a vision of you rocking, knitting, keeping an eye on the telly and chatting to your dd at the same time!

I also have sat here and read the whole thread from start to finish. Took me nearly three hours. What a journey! Saffy, you are truly amazing. You know when people ask if a book ever changed your life? Well I swear what I've read this evening has been as inspirational as the best of them. I would love to think that I could ever be as strong as you in the face of adversity, but not only that, to think that I could raise kids as fabulous as yours are. You are so clearly part of such a loving and loyal extended family and of course such loyalty must only be a mirror image of what they receive from you.

I will keep watching this thread but shall probably only lurk, as having only been married 2 years I hardly have the advice or wisdom to impart, but just wanted to register my admiration and to wish you a speedy, satisfying divorce and hope you'll have the biggest party to celebrate when it does come through. Let us know when because I'll certainly raise a glass to you.

Saffy, last you told me, your thread was inactive....OMG naughty naughty.... but soooo good.

Glad you told your sols and ES/BIL (if they can keep secrets), but hold onto the info girl, for as long as you can. It's a powerful tool, and you don't know quite when you'll want to use it, but when you do, it will be as powerful as flying dirty boxers over an Eric Clapton guitar. Classic. He really must be besides himself wondering what prompted that....so great!

Sorry for your discovery, though. I kinda wish I could know NOW if there was an OW....but you did your healing before you knew and that's why you're as cool and settled as you are. I really admire the way you've dealt with everything along the way and ESPECIALLY now with the new info....

Not quite - thanks , they're good kids, I'm very lucky to have them.

Dozer - really looking forward to DN staying more, she's so sweet and the image of her mum, same expressions, mannerisms and everything. It's like having a little piece of sis here - and it brings me a lot of comfort.

Time for - yeah, I can just imagine the photos now - Kate Moss eat your heart out - who needs designer gear when me and Wisey can rustle up theknitwear in next to no time. We'll all be on the front cover of "Hello" of course

Thanks Romney - it means a lot to have such wonderful support.

Ani - what a lovely image - especially the rain soaked mascara!

Kando - no, I don't have a rocking chair, I would love one though, may be when I'm old(er) grey, I can sit in one like Grandma Walton! Thanks for your lovely comments.

Reallea - wow, spending 3 hours reading the whole thread! Your comments are really, really touching, thank you. And I hope you're never in the same position as me. My family have helped enormously - more than I can ever have hoped for. We've been through a lot in the past year, and it's made us all get our priorities right, and look out for each other.

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