After 22 years he wants out: How do me and kids cope with this?

[Saffysmum]

Got married 22 years ago - thought it was for keeps.

After 4 kids - now teenagers, he's decided that he no longer loves me and he needs to move on.

Last year he told me that his feelings had changed. I was gobsmacked. He insisted that there was no OW. He said he no longer loved me. I told him to leave, but he than backed down, said we needed to get "reconnected". He made no attempts to do this. We both work hard and long hours although he earns 4 times more than me (I work a couple of nights a week as a Mental Health Nurse).

I didn't work at all whilst bring up 4 kids ( born within 5 years of each other). I went back to work part time when youngest started high school.

My darling younger sis was diagnosed with cancer late last year - and sadly a couple of months ago lost her fight. It didn't bring us closer, he offered no support at all to me. My elderly parents were naturally devastated. He somehow made it all about him, IFYSYIM. He "grieved" alone, like it affected him more than me.

Anyway, two weeks ago, he said that he needed to move out. That he no longer loved me and that my sister's death had made him realise that he had to live his life as he wanted to. I have been reeling from this.

He said that he hopes we can remain friends for the kids sake.

The kids are all teenagers btw, eldest DS has A levels looming, whilst younger daughter has GCSEs in a couple of months. They know nothing of this.

I cannot forgive him - he is like a stranger to me. If I didn't have the kids then I would have thrown him out two weeks ago. I feel absolute contempt.

My parents are still grieving, and they think he is wonderful. Everyone thinks he is.

I think he is going through a mid life crisis - he is obsessed with his appearance, his weight - is constantly working out or running. If I wasn't so gutted I would laugh at him. He is sadly turning into the sad old git we all scoffed at in the nightclubs years ago.

He said it will take him a couple of months to find somewhere else to live - and that by then eldest two will have taken exams.

I want him out now-but also realise that all kids will be devastasted - and that older two need to take exams which are stressful without the added stress of coping with us breaking up.

I have always, and always will put the kids first. I will fight tooth and nail to get them what they deserve. How do I cope with this though?

Good way to get rid of his stinking stuff.

I must say, i had not seen this thread before, I just read the OP and was going to say I was 100% sure there was an OW as the "symptoms" all add up.

Then realising the date, reading on, and finding it was true.

no surprises.

there is something sad in the predictability of it all.

This thread is useful for many women, as it helps us to finetune our intuition, IYSWIM. It could happen to us too after all...

I hope you stay strong, and go for the "don't get mad, get everything"-approach (to quote Ivana Trump). You have so much support.

Just finished reading the post, took a few hours between feeding dc and getting them to bed.
Saffy - you are great, should be a pin up for other women going through this. Your family sound amazing, BIL included.
Posting so I can get updates

After a dreadful evening with my DH, your post made me really giggle. Honestly, I am still.chuckling as I write this.

You have been been through so much, and lots ahead of you. But you will come out the other side, with your wonderful children by your side.

Thinking of you. Xxxx

Thank you so much to all the kind posters who have contributed since I last posted.

The landline is ringing off the hook - we've turned it down. He's texting us now.

I have ignored mine, but BIL read his out: "Was this anything to do with you? I'm taking it Saffy's behind this. How bloody childish and typical of her, when I've tried so hard to be decent through all this".

Great, isn't he?

Me and BIL then cracked up again.

We are now imagining Court scenarios:

Barrister: "Did you, or did you not, Mrs Saffysmum, orchestrate a delivery of your husband's goods to his address on the afternoon of August 12th?"

Saffy: "I did, M'lud"

Barrister: "And are you aware, that as Mr Twunt was at the time still paying all the bills and the mortgage on the joint property, he was entitled to keep his goods, including his acoustic guitar (signed by Eric Clapton) and his skanky boxers there for as long as he intended to."

Saffy: "I am, M'lud"

Barrister: "So, for the benefit of the Court would you please state your reasons for your actions - I'm sure we're all intrigued as to how you could behave in such an irresponsible way." (Coughs and looks round court room through his gold rimmed specs, and adjusts his wig).

Saffy: (Flicks back straightened hair, Miss Piggy style) and fixes Barrister with her steely glare.)

"Because the previous night, I found out he was shagging his divorce solicitor".

(All eyes turn to said divorce solicitor, who is rummaging through her Primark bag to find the keys to her stupid little car).

oh saffy, you have got me laughing so hard!!!

I know I've harped on about it, but I really do think you should change the locks. Dumping his stuff on the lawn will be seen as a declaration of war that he can't pretend hasn't happened and I don't think you can entirely predict his next actions, especially as he will no longer feel in charge of the situation. It's all spiralling out of his control and if your shl does say that him humping his lawyer contravenes some kind of legal guideline, he is going to be spitting mad at you.

Think it would help if your house was properly secured from him, just in case.

Oh Saff, you are cooking on gas girl! I am crying with laughter.

The guitar/boxers modern art installation is pure genius. Beers all round for the boys with the truck and the artistic bent.

Thanks Karma - locks were changed a month or so ago, when YS lost his keys (thought this was a perfect excuse).

I don't think he'll come round, because he hates confrontation, and he knows I've got brilliant support, neighbours are great - there's always lots of people here - including his kids. He'd hate a scene, see it as beneath him.

MC - glad you're having a giggle. We are too - getting a bit silly now - talking about his sol being his brief(s), and her being good at soliciting, etc.

bet ud love to be a fly on his wall tonite.lol. u go girl.

Was it really signed by Eric Clapton? That makes the story a hundred times better!

Yes Roxy, it was. Years ago I worked in PR and through some jingle work I arranged I got friendly with a session player who knew Clapton well. Twunt was (is) a huge fan, and as a favour the session player got the guitar signed.

That's a relief x

I think i might have been tempted to embellish the signature a bit

Who were his boxers signed by?

Apologies for trivializing, but your account of events has cheered me up no end. I'm going to show it to DH as an Awful Warning.

Roxy - they were signed by, 'P.L.easewashme' Whoever that is!

Saffy, have I ever told you I Fucking Love You ?

Saff - I know you are going through a shit time, but you are an inspiration.

I have read the whole from start to finish..... damn fine person you are.

Saffy - i have only lurked on your thread. Never had anything to contribute really, so many other ladies have said what I wanted to say to you.
But I think I have a girl crush on you - you are fucking awesome!
And I love your DC even more.
What a fantastic example you are setting them.

Oh my gawd!

Saff your SHL should be paying you!!!!

Your brilliance only highlights LM's twuntyness even more.

If I could make a wish it would be to turn into a fly on the wall of LM's pad - which will soon need padding on the walls when he loses it totally.

Serves the fucker right

Baaaaaahahahahahaah!!!!! Fantastic! :-D

Just doing a quick skim of MN before bed, had to log in specially to add my cheers and giggles to the above. Could absolutely hear a barrister saying "Mr Twunt" in serious court voice. A total classic.

I know what emoticon we need now. A little boat one, with a mast and flag, representing The Heap.

Teeheehee.

Saffy, you are wasted in your current occupation and must become a script-writer!

Stbxh clearly doesn't know you know, even he couldn't deem shagging his sol to be "decent" behaviour!

OW shall be named SSL (shit, stupid, lawyer).

Love the image of your two lovely men, ds and bil, dumping the stuff and giggling, then snickering round your table!

WOW!

Ummm can I please be added to the list of people who want to marry you?

You are amazing; that was amazing!

I can see that installation in my mind's eye...with dirty pants flying (surely not as dirty?) over Clapton's signed Geeetarrr!

Haha! Love it!

Well done DS and BIL