After 22 years he wants out: How do me and kids cope with this?

[Saffysmum]

Got married 22 years ago - thought it was for keeps.

After 4 kids - now teenagers, he's decided that he no longer loves me and he needs to move on.

Last year he told me that his feelings had changed. I was gobsmacked. He insisted that there was no OW. He said he no longer loved me. I told him to leave, but he than backed down, said we needed to get "reconnected". He made no attempts to do this. We both work hard and long hours although he earns 4 times more than me (I work a couple of nights a week as a Mental Health Nurse).

I didn't work at all whilst bring up 4 kids ( born within 5 years of each other). I went back to work part time when youngest started high school.

My darling younger sis was diagnosed with cancer late last year - and sadly a couple of months ago lost her fight. It didn't bring us closer, he offered no support at all to me. My elderly parents were naturally devastated. He somehow made it all about him, IFYSYIM. He "grieved" alone, like it affected him more than me.

Anyway, two weeks ago, he said that he needed to move out. That he no longer loved me and that my sister's death had made him realise that he had to live his life as he wanted to. I have been reeling from this.

He said that he hopes we can remain friends for the kids sake.

The kids are all teenagers btw, eldest DS has A levels looming, whilst younger daughter has GCSEs in a couple of months. They know nothing of this.

I cannot forgive him - he is like a stranger to me. If I didn't have the kids then I would have thrown him out two weeks ago. I feel absolute contempt.

My parents are still grieving, and they think he is wonderful. Everyone thinks he is.

I think he is going through a mid life crisis - he is obsessed with his appearance, his weight - is constantly working out or running. If I wasn't so gutted I would laugh at him. He is sadly turning into the sad old git we all scoffed at in the nightclubs years ago.

He said it will take him a couple of months to find somewhere else to live - and that by then eldest two will have taken exams.

I want him out now-but also realise that all kids will be devastasted - and that older two need to take exams which are stressful without the added stress of coping with us breaking up.

I have always, and always will put the kids first. I will fight tooth and nail to get them what they deserve. How do I cope with this though?

And sorry if I was a bit insensitive there, using the "S" word

Well shot of him.

read that as 'we'll shoot him'...was a bit at first!

Another thing, is that when all this is done and dusted and he screws over this new woman (and he will), she is in a good position to nail him to the floor. You will be well clear and can just sit back and watch.

PP - no worries, nothing to apologise for.
MC -
Karma - true, hadn't thought of that. Thing is, there won't be much left for her after my SHL does her job on him!

This thread is such a good example for women who suddenly find themselves "rejected" by their partners and husbands after so long. Also, for women like me who are single but need to see examples of women who don't put up with such appalling behaviour. I don't usually comment on these kinds of threads as I don't have any experience in this kind of situation, but I am an addicted lurker and am firmly marking my spot in this thread.

OP I hope your wonderful solicitor absolutely wipes the floor with this contemptible man - I was genuinely shocked to find out about him and his divorce lawyer - surely there must be professional codes of conduct against this kind of thing?

It is the sheer arrogance that gets me. I see it here too.

Saffy you are amazing. Calm, cool and collected. Stay that way.

Twunty needs a lesson taught and then some.

I think SHL will help.

xx

Saff, I?ve been itching to get back to you on this since catching up with the latest development with bleary eyes last night. I know how painful this must be for you but at least certain mysterious events/coincidences/inexplicable behaviour from LM will fall into place, I bet. I suspect you?ll have a few days of slapping yourself on the forehead and going ?that?s why LM did this, said that, sloped off then? etc.

Anyway, a couple of thoughts from me here:

1. If LM is fraternising with his firm?s legal advisor, has appointed her as his private sol and not told his firm, there?s a massive conflict of interest here on both sides. If LM is able to direct his firm?s fee earning work in the direction of OW there is a BIG ISSUE. Obviously this is a double-edged sword - you could cause big trouble by whispering in certain ears but then that could end up causing you big trouble if it impacts his future earnings. Seriously, if I started shagging my external counsel and hadn?t disclosed the conflict so that the law firm and my firm could manage the conflict appropriately this would be a fireable offence. For the purposes of damage limitation (and let?s face it, in the current climate damage limitation is high on the agenda for most firms) my company would probably look to find a new legal firm to advise them and if that happened the partners at OW?s law firm would look to take their revenge on her. Maybe OW has disclosed all and the conflict has been managed but maybe not.

2. If OW is not a family law expert this is massively good news for you. Your SHL will run rings around her so you may want to sit tight and let them hang themselves with their cheap, money-saving rope.

3. Do you really think LM is stupid enough to want OW handling his divorce? I?m just thinking of how my own twunt would behave (he?s in finance and a chartered accountant, so a similar background to LM I think). TCH would not want OW knowing exactly how much he is (or is not ...) worth; it might burst her grasping bubble. I just find it odd that LM would hand over all of this information to OW. And LM seems to be cut from the "knowledge is power" cloth.

4. If OW is driving past your house, she?s worried. I wonder if LM is backing off? I wonder if LM is sending her cooling off signals in some way. That?s not really your problem but you can sit back with a glass of wine and enjoy the fact that something must have spooked her to make her drive past your house. If you ask me that?s an emotional reaction to something. [Evil heh heh smiley.]

In essence I would say take care not to do something that could bounce back negatively on you and your DCs in terms of finances etc.

You are so amazing Saff that this revelation won?t faze you and don?t forget we are all here for you.

Thank you Butwhy.

DrFay - that's exactly how I feel. But it all makes so much sense now. Like last week when the arrogant twunt said that he would drive the pace of the divorce.

Also, I remember WWIFN saying on this thread in the early days, that there is another woman, and she may be guiding him and whispering in his ear.

So I guess they met at least 18 months ago. That explains all the stopovers in her home town, and his detachment etc to me and kids. They decided they would get together, perhaps earlier than this year, but then I lost my sis, and whilst she was ill - he may have thought he'd stay, as kids and I (and him) took it very hard. He may not have planned to go then though - but he certainly seemed during those horrible dark few months that there was always somewhere else he wanted to be, and he was doing us all a huge favour by being here.

Then he says in the Spring he's going late Summer. As you know, I kicked him out earlier. So now, she's available.

She specialises in financial company law. That's how he knows her, through his work. He probably thinks she's the cat's whiskers, so a little thing like a divorce (when he's used to handling million's of pounds of powerful clients money a day) will be a walk in the park for both of them. He saves legal costs. They have a right old laugh at my expense. And they've both been massaging his ego.

How lovely for them both.

But I have a little SHL dynamo on my side, and she wipes the floor with Family Law sols with really good reputations. She'll sort these two out - like a huge tiger flicking away a fly.

Bring it on.

ES is home now, and going to give a hand to BIL and "his crew" (who have demolished a plate of bacon sandwiches and a whole packet of hobnobs and a pack of Tetley's since 8.00) a hand finishing the attic. I have told BIL not to say anything to him.

BUT - they are going to stick all Twunts stuff from the garage on BIL's truck this afternoon, and drop it off and leave it on his lawn.

He can stick that in his pipe and smoke it.

Feel better now - thanks everyone - don't know where I'd be without you lot.

Thank you B&A. You speak such sense. I won't do anything to affect me and kids settlement. This could work out quite well for us, I agree. I'll leave it up to SHL to advise me.

I keep wondering why she was driving past; we live in a secluded cul-de-sac, so we don't get many cars around, and it's not like you drive past ours to get to another road. May be she just wanted to have a nose. But that's what google earth is for, I thought.

Oh well, it'll all come out in the wash.

Off to get more tea....

Has your SHL commented on all this yet?

Well there's nothing to stop you rocking the boat AFTER everything's settled and signed in LMs blood... By then The Guardian will have run out of scoops because the MPs, bankers and media moguls will have all been suitably humiliated so maybe the spotlight can be turned to shine elsewhere ... (I really do need that evil heh heh smiley, preferably stroking a white cat).

Saffysmum, have read this entire thread this morning in one sitting. Just wanted to tell you that I think you are bloody brilliant, I cheered when you said you had thrown him out! You've raised fabulous kids, and I can only hope that my kids will grow up to be such wonderful, caring individuals.

The capacity of some people for selfishness and idiocy seems to be infinite sometimes, no? I will definitely be following in future to see how the twunt gets his come-uppance!

The reason she drove past your house was to check that your H wasn't there. DH's OW drove past our house on a number of occasions to check up on him (after he had moved in with her). Don't forget they know that they have hooked up with lying, deceiving rats . DH's OW looked on me as the OW in her warped head.

I think you are going to be in for an interesting and revealing time . Be prepared ......

Saffysmum, I've been lurking on this thread since it started and wanted to chime in and say that you and your children are brilliant. I'm sorry that your STBX turned into such a profoundly self-absorbed person, but I think the way you have behaved has been admirable. As Butwhy said above, it is very good for women to see examples like this so we don't normalise fuckwittage unreasonable behaviour from partners.

This latest news makes me wonder if the reason he was dragging his heels on the financial disclosure was because he is reluctant for her to see his finances - in which case, why not just hire an independent lawyer? Bloody stupid all round. And if he is really so idiotic and selfish to risk both of their professional reputations by using her as a lawyer just to save money, then you are well shot of him - but you knew that already.

cant beleive it saffysmum! (well actually i can). another woman, who'd of thought it?? I know my story pales compared to yours but i love reading your thread to gear me up and give me a boost to keep on going and not cave/submit to dh and his controlling/arrogant/self serving ways.

Why do all men have to find an 'alternative' before they do the dirty instead of wasting the time of the wives and children. Have the balls to go out there on your own so we dont have to put up with your whining miserable selves for years. Dont know if my dh 'alternative' is still around but i no longer care, i have seen the light...none of this is my fault. Plan A better work for you mate because this chapter of your life is well and truly closed.

Good on you saffysmum, you are amazing, I'l keep on reading for more inspiration. i've not got to the divorce stage yet and so havent got a clue what it entails or how bad it will be. Everyone (his family) keeps telling me he will get nasty if doesnt go his way, no idea what that means, whats he going to do thats not going to affect his kids too...loser!.

x

PP - no haven't heard from SHL yet, she's in Court today, hope to hear from her early next week.

B&A - - yes a white cat is definitely required. I have a couple of tabbies if that's any good!

Rosie - wow, you read the whole thing in one sitting, very impressive! Thank you so much for your kind comments - really helps me.

Counting - yes, of course you're right, it never occurred to me that she was checking up on him. Actually, he was here both times! I almost mentioned it to him, because I registered the car because a friend of mine has a similar one, and it was only when I saw the driver/reg plate I realised it wasn't friend. And because we don't get many people drive down here, I thought she was popping in to see us! How funny - the OW checking up to see if the OM is at home with wifey! What a bloody pair.

Fair - thank you. I too can't make out why on earth he is using her as his sol., the only thing I can think of is that he underestimated what would be involved, and also I did cause him a huge shock by filing for divorce so quickly. And when he didn't respond to SHL's letter asking him to appoint a sol, she quickly threatened him with Court, informing him that he could pay my costs as well. Perhaps they panicked a bit?

Dizzy - thank you hun! Hope you are ok.

Well, the truck is loaded up with all his stuff from the garage, and is now on it's way to his current address. Perhaps he'll go mad, perhaps he'll have to phone his sol!! Perhaps she'll phone mine! Perhaps mine will phone me!!

the truck is loaded ... on its way to his current address

Saff, you are pure class.

Wow, just caught up.

Am v sorry saffy. Hugs. You sound strong and together, as always.

Even setting aside his dispicable treatment of you, why is he not thinking about his kids' reactions? Idiot.

She sounds like an idiot too. And an unprofessional one.

Can't wait to hear your SHL's views on the matter!

Yes, love the truck, he deserved it long ago! Hope the "lovely people" he lives with appreciate it!

Only just read this thread. OP...you sound ACE. And the kids are a total credit to you, wow.

Don't let on to him you know his sol is the OW. Let your sol keep it up her sleeve - more powerful that way. He must be BONKERS, though, not having a proper family lawyer as a sol. Phewf. And she sounds quite stalkery.

Thanks B&A and Dozer, your support has always been amazing.
Thanks LT - my kids are wonderful, and the reason why I get up, and stick a smile on my face every morning.

Well, the truck load has been deposited. Both BIL and ES returned grinning and laughing their heads off. There's loads of stuff on the lawn in a pile, and they've stuck his acoustic guitar standing upright on top of it. Shortly after Twunt left, I found a load of his clothes in the washing basket. I refused to wash them, and stuck it all in a bin liner (so it's been there about 5 months).

The guitar has a mast - a pair of his boxers!!

Oh, to be a fly on the wall - I may have to take a leaf out of OW's book, and keep driving s-l-o-w-l-y past.

Do feel sorry for the people he's sharing with, but not much.

Oh My God, I think that's the best post I've read on MN! Can just imagine this prized guitar standing on top of a massive pile of crap, flying a flag of filthy boxers. Excellent work.

And this is what I think these selfish, self-absorbed men forget - THEY may treat their wives like worthless crap but OTHER PEOPLE see how wonderful these women are and stick by them. Saffy you are so lucky to have such a wonderful family around you.

Thank you Butwhy.

We are all sitting here after dinner giggling our heads off; kids keep asking what's the joke, and we say "oh nothing" act sensibly, then erupt again.

My mobile is on silent, his number keeps flashing. BIL's mobile the same, and his keeps flashing, and ES has turned his off. Daughters are out, so can innocently say they know nothing, and YS is out with his mates, left his mobile at home (no change there).

BIL and his DD are staying overnight, so that a) he can relax and have a drink or two, and b) in case twunt comes round and kicks off. (He won't hasn't got the guts).

X

oh for a camera video of that!!!!

pure genius!

Oh, laughing my head off at the vision! Well done! :o