After 22 years he wants out: How do me and kids cope with this?

[Saffysmum]

Got married 22 years ago - thought it was for keeps.

After 4 kids - now teenagers, he's decided that he no longer loves me and he needs to move on.

Last year he told me that his feelings had changed. I was gobsmacked. He insisted that there was no OW. He said he no longer loved me. I told him to leave, but he than backed down, said we needed to get "reconnected". He made no attempts to do this. We both work hard and long hours although he earns 4 times more than me (I work a couple of nights a week as a Mental Health Nurse).

I didn't work at all whilst bring up 4 kids ( born within 5 years of each other). I went back to work part time when youngest started high school.

My darling younger sis was diagnosed with cancer late last year - and sadly a couple of months ago lost her fight. It didn't bring us closer, he offered no support at all to me. My elderly parents were naturally devastated. He somehow made it all about him, IFYSYIM. He "grieved" alone, like it affected him more than me.

Anyway, two weeks ago, he said that he needed to move out. That he no longer loved me and that my sister's death had made him realise that he had to live his life as he wanted to. I have been reeling from this.

He said that he hopes we can remain friends for the kids sake.

The kids are all teenagers btw, eldest DS has A levels looming, whilst younger daughter has GCSEs in a couple of months. They know nothing of this.

I cannot forgive him - he is like a stranger to me. If I didn't have the kids then I would have thrown him out two weeks ago. I feel absolute contempt.

My parents are still grieving, and they think he is wonderful. Everyone thinks he is.

I think he is going through a mid life crisis - he is obsessed with his appearance, his weight - is constantly working out or running. If I wasn't so gutted I would laugh at him. He is sadly turning into the sad old git we all scoffed at in the nightclubs years ago.

He said it will take him a couple of months to find somewhere else to live - and that by then eldest two will have taken exams.

I want him out now-but also realise that all kids will be devastasted - and that older two need to take exams which are stressful without the added stress of coping with us breaking up.

I have always, and always will put the kids first. I will fight tooth and nail to get them what they deserve. How do I cope with this though?

If you threw him out before he was ready to go, that suggests that the OW was not yet ready to make the jump herself i.e. is married with DCs. She could be stalling this for her own reasons.....as well as trying to feather her own nest with the settlement. It's just so wrong on so many levels. It means that the OW has seen everything you've written on the divorce petition (although that might actually be a good thing) .....

Now that you've got a name, might be worth doing a bit of detecting on the net - usual stuff - FB, Friends Reunited, Google, 192.com. Knowledge is power and you might even have some fun with this.

Take comfort that you've got one over on him yet again. After so long on the back foot, this is just another example of him not knowing what's about to hit him.

Try LinkedIn too - lots of professional people are on there.

windsor - thank you, you've touched on the thing that I just don't get: the list of unreasonable behaviour (I gave my sol a lot of examples - she picked out the five she wanted to cite) are damning. Why would he want OW to read these? Are they both having a laugh at my expense?

It does make sense that OW wasn't ready to make the jump herself in April. He always said he would leave late July/August. He said it would take him until then to find somewhere. And now it's August, and he's spending a lot of time in her home town.

Thanks for the website NotQuite.

I can't get my head around this at all.

< speechless but not particularly surprised >

sorry, saffy, this must be a fucking headspinner but do take your own advice and do not raise this with him

speak to your solicitor

I am interested to see what she says around the issue of "conflict of interests"

this may actually turn out out to be his stupidest move yet (and the bar is set v v high)

Oh Saffy......sorry sorry sorry..

This is just terrible. A new shitty thing to get your head round. But things make sense now don't they? When I found out ABCKF had been shagging KK since March last year, a whole piggy bank of pennies dropped.

But I am sure you can cope with this. You are so strong and wise.

XXX

My. Jaw. Is. On. The. Floor.

Saff I am honestly speechless with shock. Let me go away for a few minutes and think.

Massive, massive hugs to you in the meantime. So sorry I've been so up my own arse this last few days and missed this one.

Getting a cup of coffee and thoughts together.....

Really, there should be a special cage in the zoo for these men!!! I am totally .

I am particularly shocked that OW (as well as having the affair with a married man) is now demeaning herself further by getting so completely mixed up in the shit. Why would she do that???? Has she no self respect????

Big MN hug and do let us know what your sol says...

Is he trying to save a bob or two this way???

In which case he has seriously underestimated you and your sol...surely! OW has no divorce law expertise and is handling the case for him...bloody hell.

Right.

What a fucking arsehole he is and look at the piece of shit he's dropped on your doorstep, Mini coupe and law certificate or not.

What an outrageous example of fuckwittery, it's breathtaking.

So, you're on the ball though - I'm no expert but ffs, at the very least this must be a serious conflict of interest, not to mention breaking rules of confidentiality similar to Caldicott guidelines Saff. Then there's the ethical dimension - handling a divorce that she has had a hand in instigating - I wonder what the law society would have to say about that. Driving past your house, shows intention and the end result of their relationship shows that the intention was to do harm.

Fuck! I can't believe it! Yet I so can! Are you OK? You sound together and calm thank fuck you weren't still holding on to any love for him because he simply. does. not. deserve. any.

he is a stupid, stupid, man. Really stupid Saff.

I'm off all next week. I'll come up to Norwich if you need some hand-holding. Seriously.

windsortides has a goodd suggestion there! It could be very powerful for you to dig deeper.

Take care though, don't loose yourself in the anger of it all. Put your own health first.

You will probably find there are all sorts of rules and regulations regarding this sort of thing. If he was already an existing client, her firm would/will probably take a very dim view of her behaviour (hence his reasons for delaying moving).

The truth will always out and all becomes clear . My DH was a gambler and ran off with the cashier from the local bookies - you couldn't make it up. OW lost her job as she omitted to tell her employers that she was shagging their most profitable client , she also thought he was loaded - er no love, he was spending it all the in the bookies as you well knew (stupid bint).

Try and keep calm, sit back and watch them squirm. You may actually enjoy the fallout for them [evil emotion].

Good luck.

Thanks everyone.

BIL is here at the mo, working on the house, (he's a builder). I told him, his jaw hit the floor too. He hardly sees Twunt anymore, they keep in touch but are not nearly as close as they were.

He had a cuppa, rolled a fag, had a think, then said that he agrees she is defo OW. But I have no actually proof they are having a relationship, it could just be that they are close friends (although we both think otherwise). Therefore telling my solicitor will get the same response - "Where's the proof?"

Just phoned SHL - she's in Court all day, but her legal exec said if I email her anything, she'll respond on Monday.

I don't know whether to tell her or not. Should I tell ES? He's at girlfriend's but will be home at lunch time?

I feel such a muppet. Something else clicked, but I might be reading too much here - when I saw my SHL (when Twunt was in Italy for a couple of weeks), she said that his sol hadn't responded, but she was away on holiday!

I feel they're both having a right giggle at my expense...BIL wants another cuppa, so off to do a brew.

definately tell your sol...its up to her to then decide what could be done. definately!

Saff is this woman fresh out of uni or something, you know, a bit wet behind the ears, easily impressed by lycra?

Cos, actually the other's are right, SHL will wipe the floor with them both, even with no proof since he's made the most stupid choice for a lawyer - no wonder she's not doing the paperwork, she probably has to ask some bloke down the pub how to fill it in!!

(am beginning to see the utter wankery now, you gotta at such idiocy)

agreed wisey, this man shows utter contempt, arrogance and complete stupitidy. He clearly sees the divorce as a simple paper exercise that needs no particular skill and can be left to suckered OW to sort for him, like he's swatting a fly away. A grade knobbery in the extreme. He deserves total shafting.

Breath taking.

Just joined in, after lurking for a while and admiring your stoicism and humour, Saff.

You have to tell your solicitor, even if you only have suspicions. There are very strict codes of conduct about this as others have said and this is, if true will mean he has to engage a new solicitor at the very least - in fact I think (don't quote me) your solicitor may be able to ask for someone else in the practice to handle it even if its unfounded.

And the new solicitor will be able to drive things forward, ergo its over and done with sooner.

Its possible that, if true, it will have a huge impact on OW career. Isn't that a nice little by product - and without being drawn into a spiral of revenge, it would be rather sweet to be able to pull something that lets Twunt know you are fully in the drivers seat, whatever he thinks or wants.

I wouldn't have thought there was anything to be gained by not telling your solicitor.

No, you don't have any evidence beyond the circumstantial, and the situation might not breach guidelines (only she can tell you that), but there's no harm in letting her know that the 'professional' she's dealing with could have more interest in the case than the prospect of a fat fee.

If nothing else it'll add a prize specimen to her (no doubt bursting) bag of examples of astounding male duplicity.

Thank you everyone (Wisey you are such a sweetie for offering to come and hold my hand).

Migrating: You've hit the nail on the head: it's his arrogance and ego. He thinks he can sort this himself and his "lady" who specialises in financial law is all he needs to just do a little bit of paperwork for him.

I've just emailed SHL. Said that I think ex may be very friendly with his sol, and then briefly gave examples. Said I thought she should know, and I would leave it to her to get in touch with me about it.

BIL has had 4 cuppas of "builder's brew" and is now playing rugby with YS in the garden. And he has an attic to finish off today. Well if it's not done, I'm not cooking him the roast I promised him this evening!

Think the way I'm going I'll be up there next week, "the mad woman in the attic" - think Jane Eyre.

Have you ever read 'The wide sargasso sea' by jean Rhys?? It explains why the woman in the the attic went mad and how Rochester drove her to it....

I always had a lot more sympathy for the story after reading that one!!

Yes Migrating, did that novel as part of my BA; loved it. Rhys wanted to give the Creole woman a voice, which Bronte never did. Loved J E too.

Anyway, have decided not to tell ES yet, he has enough on his mind, stewing about his A Level results next week. He keeps dreaming that the papers get mixed up or lost - bless him.

I disliked J E until I read Wide sargasso sea. It sort of made the original novel whole. I think the mad woman did deserve that voice.

good call about ES

Hi Saffysmum,

I think you are right to tell your solicitor. She can't do the best job for you if she isn't in possession of all the facts.

Besides all the very good reasons regarding conflict of interest, and OW potentially feathering her own nest at your expense, it also seems very unfair for your ex to be getting free legal help because he's seeing his solicitor. If he has to get another one, then at least he'll have to pay the legal bills. It might encourage him to get his arse into gear with the divorce.

If there is no legal conflict of interest and he is allowed to keep OW as his solicitor, your own solicitor might believe this is good for you on the grounds that she is not a family law expert and so your own lawyer will walk all over her.

Agree strongly that you should not let ex know that you know.

Hope you are okay - this must have been a dreadful shock.

Hello Saffysmum. I'm (very)late to the party as usual...I happened upon your thread and I'm really glad I did as I've seen it mentioned a couple of times. Can I just say that your posts in April and May were so moving. THE post, where you spoke to your amazing children and chucked him out had me in a right wet-eyed dither.

Anyway, I have just read the whole thing

Thank you Karma and PP x

I'm ok. Just feel a bit floored by it all. I knew there was someone else, but he always denied it and said it was me being paranoid.

What a piece of work he is. Well shot of him. She's welcome to him.