After 22 years he wants out: How do me and kids cope with this?

[Saffysmum]

Got married 22 years ago - thought it was for keeps.

After 4 kids - now teenagers, he's decided that he no longer loves me and he needs to move on.

Last year he told me that his feelings had changed. I was gobsmacked. He insisted that there was no OW. He said he no longer loved me. I told him to leave, but he than backed down, said we needed to get "reconnected". He made no attempts to do this. We both work hard and long hours although he earns 4 times more than me (I work a couple of nights a week as a Mental Health Nurse).

I didn't work at all whilst bring up 4 kids ( born within 5 years of each other). I went back to work part time when youngest started high school.

My darling younger sis was diagnosed with cancer late last year - and sadly a couple of months ago lost her fight. It didn't bring us closer, he offered no support at all to me. My elderly parents were naturally devastated. He somehow made it all about him, IFYSYIM. He "grieved" alone, like it affected him more than me.

Anyway, two weeks ago, he said that he needed to move out. That he no longer loved me and that my sister's death had made him realise that he had to live his life as he wanted to. I have been reeling from this.

He said that he hopes we can remain friends for the kids sake.

The kids are all teenagers btw, eldest DS has A levels looming, whilst younger daughter has GCSEs in a couple of months. They know nothing of this.

I cannot forgive him - he is like a stranger to me. If I didn't have the kids then I would have thrown him out two weeks ago. I feel absolute contempt.

My parents are still grieving, and they think he is wonderful. Everyone thinks he is.

I think he is going through a mid life crisis - he is obsessed with his appearance, his weight - is constantly working out or running. If I wasn't so gutted I would laugh at him. He is sadly turning into the sad old git we all scoffed at in the nightclubs years ago.

He said it will take him a couple of months to find somewhere else to live - and that by then eldest two will have taken exams.

I want him out now-but also realise that all kids will be devastasted - and that older two need to take exams which are stressful without the added stress of coping with us breaking up.

I have always, and always will put the kids first. I will fight tooth and nail to get them what they deserve. How do I cope with this though?

Thanks Dozer and Wisey.

Yes, my SHL is great - really on the ball, and I love her "here we go again, silly boys" laid back but is always one step ahead attitude.

He may well be having second, third, fourth thoughts. When I saw BIL a few days ago, he said that ex is very subdued and a shadow of his former self. BIL told him of my promotion, and how well I was, and ex said apparently, "good - she's a wonderful person" WTF?

But after 24 years together, and married for 22, he knows me well enough to realise that the day he went, was the day I would divorce him and push ahead, and nothing would change my mind. So, either he's trying to get his own back by dictating the pace and take control, or he's been so self absorbed and living on a different planet that he's forgetten about how I am and really thinks that if he gives it time, he'll come back and we'll welcome him back with open arms.

My SHL knows me (after two meetings and a few texts) to know that I will not have him back, and is being a real star, predicting his next move and being ready to react and push him back in his corner. How he can't, as a clever, professional accountant see this is baffling.

"he feels everything is moving too fast for his liking, and that whilst he continues to pay bills, etc, there should be no pressure to rush things."

His ego should receive a medal, it really should. Perhaps you should ring him up and apologise for upsetting him with the consequences of his actions?!

Thank goodness you have someone on your side SHL who isn't afraid to kick ass. Good on you, Saffy, your strength is a bright light in a difficult situation. I might be wrong, but to me that line just screams out "I left HER, why aren't things going my way?"

God Saff you are one amazing woman, you really are .

He must be wondering exactly what truck has just hit him, full force, right where it hurst the most - his ego.

So, so well done you. To draw such a definitive line, and mean it, shows the world you are a woman to be reckoned with when the chips are down.

I have been asked this, and now I'm asking you - will you marry me?

Thanks PJF - LOL at "his ego deserves a medal" - when I phoned my mum to update her last night she said much the same: "Who the hell does he think he is - arrogant sod" - exact words.

Wisey - yes - course I will, thought you'd never ask!

Hi Saffysmum, so glad your SHL is good and can anticipate his every move. He sounds like the sort of man who will exploit any bit of leeway he gets, so it is good that you and your SHL won't give him any. The sooner you get everything properly separated from him, the better.

Can't believe he thinks he should get some kind of special treatment because he is paying the bills. Surely it's in his best interests too, not to default on a mortgage. Not to mention supporting the family that he chose to leave.

You are doing very well Saffy, in the face of a very annoying man. Well done on the work front too.

Not only does he want it all, he actually thinks he can have it all as well.

Thanks Karma.

He thinks that he can dictate the pace, because he is still paying everything as he did when he was here. So from his point of view, nothings changed, just his address! This of course, he thinks, allows him time to decide what he wants. Because he assumes the sun shines out of his own backside, he may well assume that we will all welcome him home with open arms. It has been a massive dent in his massive ego to see that I am coping (thriving) without him.

It also gives him control against me because he knows it will piss me off to be stalled like this. He's used to wheeling dealing at work and being a hot shot, handling millions (literally) of other people's money. So to him, 'The Ego Has Landed and he's wearing Lycra" - this is something he can handle in his sleep because he sees the financial side (his territory) as a business deal.

He will play ball, because he has no choice. He may be God's gift to planet earth, but he is not above the law. But even if he can stall for a few months and do everything just a minute before court proceedings start - he did this when he first got the letter instructing him to get a solicitor - he will get satisfaction from this. Because he's used to controlling - at work and with me.

At some point the silly sod will realise that there is no going back. My SHL has him weighed up - she'd eat him for breakfast. I really don't care...in my head we were divorced the day he left. The rest is just paperwork.

Exactly Scared - that's it in a nutshell.

Don't tell me a professional accountant needs two months to draw up a teensy little financial disclosure. How many offshore accounts has he lost track of? One to file under "pull the other one" methinks.

Saff.

You are a very naughty (funny) girl!

Moi?

Hi Saffysmum - just wanted to say I have now read all of your thread so appriased of your situation. You have been bloody fantastic about the whole thing and really inspire me. Losing darling sis must have felt like the end of the world without dealing with your resident f88kwit. I hope my kids grow up to be as fantastic as yours and finally huge thanks and respect to you for all of the support you have given to me and I will follow how you go now I have the thread x I have a gift for you - we clearly now have two candidates so we need more fish xxxx

fish not wish !!

Oui - you.

How very cosmopolitan we are!

I don't know if things are the same in England, but in California, my friend went through a similar situation and....turns out that the money that she got from her stbxh was not taxable to her as long as they were married. It didn't start becoming taxable as income until they were divorced and it was officially alimony. The stbxh dragged things out for quite awhile and my friend was quite upset until her lawyer explained to her about the tax implications (clearly stbxh's lawyer had not given him the same explanation), the savings went a long way to making up for her stbxh's idiotic behavior and her need to have a proper separation. Hope you manage to have a similar discovery in the uk.

You are so not going to believe this. I honestly don't know whether to laugh or cry.

There is another woman (no surprise).

But sit down and brace yourselves.....

he's shagging his divorce solicitor.

Yes.

Really.

This is how I found out. A months ago,(before I threw him out) a woman kept driving past our house, looked about my age, dark short hair (me long blonde hair - he always liked blondes - ha!). This happened a couple of times.

She was driving past slowly, and looking at the house.First time, I saw her from the bedroom window. Next time, I was out the front, watering the plants; I registered her, and the car (mini coupe). Thought nothing more of it, but it stuck, if you know what I mean.

Today, Solicitor forwarded me an email Twunt's solicitor had sent her about the progress of our divorce. Her name rang a bell, I couldn't place her. Then I saw where her office was (a place about 80 miles away, where Twunt often went to regarding legal meetings involving work).

Then daughter (what a coincidence) texts dad tonight to ask for a lift to her boyfriend's house. Twunt responds that he can't taxi her, because he's staying in (place 80 miles away).

Penny drops.

I do a search on solicitors, find her company, find her - and there we go - the woman with dark short hair (who drives a mini coupe).

What a twunt!

Saffy have you asked him about this latest development?

No Jasper, I've literally just found out.

And I'm strictly no contact with him - only text/email about the kids.

Thought it was odd when he appointed a sol who wasn't a family law sol, but a sol who worked in the same area as him (finance). Now it all makes sense.

Think I might tell my sol - what do you think? Is this ethical?

Blimey, I have no idea. it is a real laugh or cry moment though, eh?

I suppose there is no proof , but circumstantial evidence is strong .
But there is no proof and there MIGHT be an explanation other than the obvious.

I would sit on this piece of info for a bit. I'm very much of the "when in doubt do nothing - yet" persuasion .

I don't know whether it's ethical.I don't know if it really makes a difference.

How do you feel about it?

I have a friend from school days who moved away , got married, got divorced, and married her divorce solicitor. I don't know anything about the order of events in terms of when the relationship with the solicitor began

Thanks Jasper.

I always thought there was someone else, although he's always denied it.

I really don't care, because we are through, and there's no going back at all.

For the last couple of years (since he became "distant" towards me) he has spent a lot of time where this solicitor is based, including overnight stops, which is odd, because when he's worked further away, he's always driven back home. Her company also has offices near where he is based locally. I thought it odd that he visited the area 80 miles away so often, as it didn't always relate to his work. But I knew he had dealings with financial lawyers, so I let it go. But her name has been mentioned over the last couple of years (along with other colleagues/associates).

I also know, via a mutual friend, that the project he is currently working on is locally based, yet tonight (when daughter texted him) he said he is staying over in the place where this sol is based.

And she is defo the woman I saw driving past our house a few months ago.

So, he has his OW handling our divorce.

Yet he's stalling on our divorce, putting every obstacle in the way - trying to delay everything.

Is this some kind of ego thing? A power trip?

I think I'll take my own advice and just ignore it.

If I were you Saffy, I'd mention it to your own lawyer and see what she says. I think there is a Legal board on here and it might be worth posting there to see whether this would be a justifiable complaint to the Law Society. It might also be one of those things whereby once you tell your solicitor, she is duty bound to report it. She also needs to know about it, because his OW/solicitor could be stalling for her own reasons and it is just this sort of conflict of interest for which such rules apply.

Glad you had your suspicions confirmed. It explains so much.

Have only just joined the thread, but how weird. Is it ethical to be the OW and represented him? Hope it gets sorted soon.

If it's true and he has been having an affair with her...you couldn't make it up, really, could you?

And the stalling ...what on earth is that about?

I am really sorry this is just one more thing for you to ponder / mess with your head.

I have often wished my brain was like an etch -a-sketch and I could just hang my head upside down, give it a good shake and start with a fresh clean screen, free of all the tangled nonsense that goes on in there .

Fancy joining me in a glass of wine? Or even just a cup of tea?

seriously, I am off to raise a glass to you

windsorTides: thanks, I think I will email my sol in morning, and tell her everything I know (as I posted here) then it's up to her whether to take it further.

I'm not going to talk to him about it. I'll just carry on as I have been with him.

curly: I can't imagine that it's ethical. I know he deals with lawyers, legal people, and lots of them on a daily basis, and he has a large network of professionals who he mixes with. But surely this is at least a conflict of interest? This all feels totally surreal right now.

I'll see what my sol says. She's gonna love this....

Thanks Jasper - a cuppa would be great (I only have wine at weekends, have enough to cope with without the morning after feeling!).

I'm not going to let it mess with my head - just going to focus on divorce, tell my sol and let her deal with it.

So much is making sense now though. Youngest daughter glanced over his shoulder a week before he left and he was reading a text that ending with her first name initial and a kiss. He realised daughter was there and quickly closed down phone.

He knows loads of lawyers so she never registered with me, until I saw where her office was based. That, coupled with him engaging a financial lawyer to handle his divorce made me dig deeper. And now it all seems so obvious.